If you’re asking yourself, “Am I the problem in my relationship?”, you probably know that some of your relationship behaviors are problematic.
Maybe you shouted at your partner and said hurtful things you didn’t mean, and now you’re full of regret.
You might be urged to punish your partner and catch yourself planning how to do that best.
Asking yourself the question, “am I the problem in my relationship?”, is actually a good thing because it means you’re willing to reflect and want to do better.
Everyone can be dysfunctional sometimes – most of us have said hurtful things to our partner that we later regretted and behaved in ways that weren’t helpful.
But when this becomes a trend, and your behavior impacts your partner’s self-esteem and well-being, then that’s a serious problem.
That’s not to say the relationship is doomed and you’re beyond help – practicing self-awareness and realizing that you might be the problem (or at least part of it) is a step in the right direction.
And anyway, it’s rarely one person who’s the problem; it’s usually the dynamic between two people, so just because you’re the problem, doesn’t mean your partner is innocent.
The point of this article is to identify what’s going on and find solutions, it’s not about blame. However, when you’re reading through the information, you need to be really honest with yourself.
Am I The Problem In My Relationship?
You might be aware of some of your problematic behaviors, but others may not have occurred to you yet.
When you’re reading through the signs, take a moment to reflect and ask yourself honestly: am I guilty of this?
Reflect on your own behaviors and how they might be impacting the relationship. Have an open, non-judgmental talk with your partner about the issues from both of your perspectives.
Listen, validate, and try to understand where they are coming from too. The goal is compromise and solutions, not blame or accusations.
Codependency
Do you put your partner’s needs before your own? Does it make you feel resentful? When you feel your partner doesn’t need you, does that make you feel depressed or purposeless? Does saying no fill you with anxiety and guilt?
Codependent relationships are, by definition, unhealthy.
The codependent person gives and gives and never asks for their needs to be met. But they want their needs to be met and act in passive-aggressive ways when they don’t feel appreciated and valued.
They expect their partner to take on their unsolicited advice and sulk if they don’t. Because they want to feel needed, they (unconsciously) encourage their partner to become dependent on them.
Codependent individuals tend to believe that their partner is the problem and that they do everything for the relationship. But in reality, their behavior is also problematic and damaging.
Insecure Attachment Style
Do you push your partner away? Is independence the most important thing to you? Do relationships make you feel suffocated? Or, conversely, are you obsessed with the relationship? Are you constantly looking for signs of rejection? Do you need other people’s approval to feel good about yourself?
Attachment styles can have a significant impact on the health of relationships.
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you put a lot of importance on your independence which can mean you push your partner away and avoid commitment. You might look for problems and reasons to end the relationship, especially when things are going well.
If you have an anxious attachment style, you can become very dependent on your partner and the relationship. You look for signs of rejection, which makes you overly sensitive to criticism.
The fear and anxiety you experience at the prospect of someone leaving or not loving you, makes you behave in ways that make it more likely that your partner will pull away (e.g., clinginess, constantly seeking reassurance).
If you have a disorganized attachment style, you sway between anxious and avoidant behaviors. Sometimes, you push your partner away, and sometimes, you cling to them. Your behavior is inconsistent, and this can be very confusing to your partner, who doesn’t really know how to act.
You think people are purposefully trying to hurt you, and this can lead to passive-aggressive and directly aggressive behavior and emotional outbursts.
Understanding your attachment style can shed some light on why some of your relationship behaviors are problematic.
Your attachment style develops in childhood, so it’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility to heal your attachment insecurities (if you want healthier relationships).
Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Do you communicate openly and honestly with your partner or make them feel bad by being passive-aggressive?
Sarcasm, giving someone the silent treatment, and withholding affection and sex are just a few examples of passive-aggressive behavior that can be unhealthy for communication and relationships over time.
Sarcasm is a bit of a grey area. It can be playful and humorous and can even ease tension in some cases. For example, instead of shouting at your partner if they haven’t cleaned up, you say, “Oh, I love it when the house is decorated with your clothes.”
It becomes problematic when you use it to belittle someone or to avoid real communication.
Stonewalling someone, i.e., ignoring and turning away from them, is never really a productive strategy, and neither is withholding your affection.
Even when you’re annoyed at someone, you should tell them, “I need a time out” or “I need a moment to myself” instead of shutting them out abruptly and making them feel like you hate them.
If you’ve got a problem, say so – passive aggressiveness isn’t helpful.
Communication Issues
Do you shout at your partner? Do you threaten them? Is your tone belittling and sarcastic during arguments? Are you a good listener, or do you interrupt your partner when they’re speaking? Do you make sweeping statements like “You never do anything around the house”?
Your style of communication has a very big impact on your relationship.
Being verbally abusive is problematic, and you’re very rarely entitled to shout, threaten, or belittle your partner (I say rarely because if your partner did something awful, a bit of shouting might be legitimate).
Communication is helpful when you’re focusing on the solution and want to find a way that works for everyone involved. It’s unhelpful when you focus on the problem, blame, and want to make the other person feel bad.
Do you frequently criticize your partner’s financial decisions, parenting style, career choices or other things they feel are unfair oversteps? Judging too harshly can degrade loving feelings.
If you avoid communication and block your partner’s attempts at connecting and working through issues, that’s problematic. Not listening, interrupting, not letting your partner make their point, and impatiently wanting to make your point is also problematic.
Always Looking for Arguments and Conflict
Have you been accused of always looking for arguments and conflict? Do you often focus on the problems instead of wanting to find a resolution? During an argument, do you try to catch your partner out, or do you expect the best of them?
Some people cause fights because they crave attention but don’t know how to ask for it in a healthy way. Others don’t know how to express their feelings, so they get angry. And for some, conflict is a way to feel something because they’re bored when everything is just smooth sailing.
But constantly arguing isn’t healthy for you or your relationship and it increases emotional distance rather than bringing you closer together.
If you notice that you often cause arguments, especially over small things that don’t really matter, you might be the problem in your relationship.
Similarly, if you get defensive, always focus on being right, withdraw, stonewall, and make hurtful comments during an argument, that’s also an indication that you’re the problem.
Selfish and Stubborn Behavior
Are your needs more important than your partner’s? Do you think it’s your partner’s job to make you happy but not vice versa? Is it your way or the highway? Do you apologize and make the first move to make up? Or is that your partner’s job?
Selfish and stubborn behaviors and attitudes in a relationship are not helpful.
Is your partner just there to make you happy? If they don’t do what you say, do you get angry and feel like you want to break up? If yes, then that could be a problem.
Relationships are about compromise, working things out together, making joint decisions, and finding solutions and ways to manage conflict. Relationships are not about always putting your own needs first and having it your way every time. Sometimes, doing things just to make your partner happy goes a long way.
Distrust and Jealousy
Do you distrust your partner? Do you think they have bad intentions? Are you very jealous?
It’s rather normal to experience some jealousy in relationships, especially if your partner is giving you a reason to feel jealous.
However, if your partner has never given you a reason to distrust them or be so jealous, then what’s going on?
Acting this way and constantly accusing your partner of doing this is unhealthy for a relationship. If your jealousy and distrust are out of control, then maybe the way forward is to work on your insecurities.
Lack of Effort or Disengagement
Does your partner complain about you not putting any effort into the relationship? Have you been accused of taking them for granted? Do you only do what you want to do rather than making plans together?
For a relationship to work, everyone involved must put in some effort. Hollywood likes to make us think that relationships are either perfect or doomed, but in reality, they need work and commitment.
As the vow goes, “in good times and in bad, in sickness and health.”
If you’re not into your partner and the relationship anymore, and you’ve tried everything to make it better, maybe it’s not a good fit, and you’re better off going your separate ways.
But maybe it just needs some work. Is it possible that you have stopped putting in effort and are just focusing on yourself? It might be your attitude that’s the problem!
If your partner annoys you or you notice that you don’t really like your partner, you may think that means your partner is the problem. But if you stay with them and don’t communicate about your feelings, then that actually makes you the problem.
Playing Mind Games
Do you blame your partner a lot and avoid taking responsibility? Do you say “I’m fine” when you’re actually annoyed? Do you expect your partner to read your mind instead of just telling him/ her what’s going on?
Mind games are a form of manipulation and passive-aggressive behavior. People who play them are trying to avoid direct communication, conflict, and accountability.
If you play mind games, you’re trying to get what you want by being underhanded, and that’s a problem.
Gaslighting is a big one. We probably engage in accidental gaslighting sometimes, like when we tell our partner, “It’s not that bad,” when they’re upset about something.
However, if it’s your go-to strategy and you do it to manipulate your partner, that’s problematic.
For example, it’s a problem if you:
- Cheat and deny it by saying, “You’re just paranoid/ crazy.”
- Blame your poor behavior on your partner, “I only did that because you provoked me.”
- Shut down your partner, “Not this again” or “Oh my god, you’re so annoying, why do you always have to bring that up – who cares?”
Playing mind games is bad for relationships, and you should stop playing them if you want a healthy relationship. There’s really no benefit to playing games with your partner and his/her feelings.
Cheating and Unfaithfulness
Do you cheat on your partner? Do you gossip and put them down behind their back? Do you lie to them a lot?
It goes without saying that cheating and being unfaithful are not good for a relationship.
Have you made up excuses for sleeping with other people and lying to your partner about it? We tend to justify our actions in all sorts of ways, but that doesn’t make it any better.
If you want to open up the relationship, you should speak to your partner about that – otherwise, why not just be single?
It’s probably normal to speak to your friends about your relationship and complain about certain things but you should be saying those things to your partner as well.
You should have their back and protect them. If you turn it around and imagine your partner saying those things about you to his/her friends, how would you feel?
Emotional, mental, and physical infidelity is problematic.
So, Are You the Problem?
If several, many, or all of the above signs apply to you, then your relationship behavior is a little, somewhat, or very problematic.
As mentioned, doing some of these things sometimes is not necessarily a problem. It becomes a problem when it’s a pattern of behavior (i.e., you behave in this way a lot) and affects your partner’s mental health and self-esteem.
Many of these behaviors come from being insecure and having low self-esteem. In some cases, they’re a sign of having narcissistic or otherwise toxic traits.
But if you’re reading this article, then you clearly have enough introspection to know that the way you behave is problematic to some extent, and you want to do something about it.
How to Be Less Problematic in Relationships
To explore how you can manage your own toxicity and problematic behaviors in relationships, let’s look at the good behaviors and skills for a relationship.
Communication
- Practice open and honest communication
- Develop your active listening skills
- Tell your partner when you need a time out instead of stonewalling them.
- Speak your mind truthfully and tell your partner directly when you are upset about something or they did something wrong – avoid mind games at all cost
- Be kind and respectful in your communication
- Express appreciation, and don’t be shy with compliments and kind words
Conflict Resolution
- Focus on solutions rather than problems
- Listen and take feedback on board
- Expect the best of your partner and encourage them to be the best version of themselves
- Compromise and try to see things from your partner’s perspective
- Remember that having arguments sometimes is normal – how you deal with the conflict is the important part
Intimacy
- Ask for attention, intimacy, and understanding rather than creating conflict and expecting your partner to know what you need
- Take an interest in your partner’s interests
- Do things just to make your partner happy, e.g., watch a film that your partner likes even when you don’t or go to a sports event even if you hate watching sports
- Make decisions together
- Do things that are fun and exciting
- Work on your sex life
Trust
- Stay emotionally and physically faithful
- Talk about your fears and dreams
- Make an effort, work on things, don’t give up as soon as the road gets a bit rocky
How do you achieve that? Here’s a bit of advice:
- Work on your insecurities and build confidence
- Nurture the relationship you have with yourself
- Find out what your attachment style is and how to heal attachment insecurities
- Set boundaries and teach each other how you want to be loved
- Free yourself of narcissistic traits
- Work on your empathy and put yourself in your partner’s position before you get angry or upset
- Go to individual and/or couples therapy
