Preoccupied attachment describes an individual who feels insecure and anxious in their relationships with others. Preoccupied individuals may have a particularly strong need to belong, to fit in, or to feel accepted.
This stems from attachment theory, proposed by John Bowlby in the 1950s, who argued that childhood attachment to a primary caregiver could affect relationships in later life. Bowlby explained that the attachment style you develop as an infant would translate into the same attachment style as an adult.
Intimate adult relationships differ greatly from those between infant and caregiver; however, the core principles of attachment theory can still be applied to these relationships.
What Is Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment?
Anxious-preoccupied attachment is an adult attachment style (also called ambivalent when referring to infant attachment) characterized by a negative view of self and a positive view of others (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2003).
Individuals with this attachment style crave intimacy but often feel anxious about whether partners will meet their emotional needs.
They are prone to relationship anxiety, hypervigilance to rejection, and distress when others’ responsiveness seems insufficient.
Their attachment system tends to hyperactivate under stress, leading to amplified emotions and overdependence on partners. Preoccupied individuals fall in love easily but believe lasting love is elusive (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).
It’s not all doom and gloom
While the anxious-preoccupied attachment style is often viewed as insecure, it’s important to recognize this attachment pattern also carries certain strengths.
Through the lens of positive psychology, which focuses on human potential, this style can be seen to endow individuals with heightened attunement to others’ needs, intense capability for closeness, and an exceptional investment in relationships.
Anxious-preoccupied adults are also typically accepting, cooperative, and able to detect threats early.
Reframing insecure attachment as a difference rather than deficiency can help identify the unique abilities it brings in various contexts, from workplace vigilance to relationship caretaking.
Viewing anxious-preoccupied attachment from this empowering perspective allows a deeper appreciation of the adaptive skills it can foster.
Signs Of Anxious Preoccupied Attachment in Adults
It may not be easy to spot an anxious preoccupied attachment style in adults. Some of the key traits of this attachment style include:
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A constant need for closeness and intimacy
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Negative self-worth
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Overly dependent on relationships
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A constant fear of rejection
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Fear of being abandoned
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Problems with trusting others
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A constant need to please others
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Needing constant reassurance
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Hypersensitivity to other’s actions and needs
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Search for external validation
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May be highly emotional
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Lack impulse control
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Can be unpredictable and moody
Anxious preoccupied adults may have issues with regulating their emotions.
They may show more intense reactions to perceived threats, see situations as more threatening than they are, and experience more distress. They may seek support through indirect ways, such as crying.
Thus, adults with an anxious preoccupied attachment may be at an increased risk of developing anxiety disorders such as generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder.
Those who suffer from panic attacks often have a history of childhood separation anxiety – the sudden arousal of social separation can result in panic attacks.
Reflection Questions
- Do you recognize any of these traits in yourself or your behaviors? Which ones stand out most?
- How do you typically respond when a partner doesn’t text back right away? Do you notice any attachment-related thoughts or feelings arising?
- Can you think of times when your attachment style has created challenges in your relationships or work life?
What Causes Anxious Preoccupied Attachment?
While it may not always be clear why someone may develop an anxious preoccupied attachment style, it is often a result of the parenting by the caregivers as a child.
Some of the possible ways in which parenting styles can cause an anxious preoccupied attachment style include the following:
Inconsistent parenting
One of the main reasons why a child may develop an anxious preoccupied attachment style is inconsistent parenting.
Parenting is inconsistent when there are times of support and responsiveness to the child’s needs, but not at other times. Sometimes, the caregiver may be cold, insensitive, or emotionally unavailable.
The child may become confused about their relationship with a caregiver who is always sending them mixed signals.
This inconsistency can make it difficult for the child to predict what their parent’s behavior is going to be at any given time, resulting in elevated insecurity and anxiety.
Emotional distance
A caregiver who is emotionally distant or neglectful can leave a child feeling insecure and unstable. If a caregiver is not meeting the child’s emotional needs, especially when they are distressed or anxious, these feelings are likely to worsen.
If a caregiver neglects a child’s needs, the child will likely develop an insecure attachment style.
Intrusive parenting
An intrusive caregiver is one who gives intrusive attention to their child.
They have poor emotional boundaries, intrude on the child’s state of mind, and can be overbearing. The child may feel smothered by the caregiver and do not have enough room to grow or be themselves.
Intrusive parenting can also include mirroring the child. This is where the caregiver reflects on how the child feels, amplifying the child’s negative reaction rather than soothing it. For instance, if a child is anxious, the caregiver becomes anxious; when the child cries, the caregiver also cries.
Caregiver’s ‘emotional hunger’
When caregivers seek emotional or physical closeness with the child for the purpose of satisfying their own needs, this is known as fulfilling their ‘emotional hunger.’
If the caregiver is using the child to satisfy their own needs, they may be neglecting the child’s emotional and physical needs. These types of caregivers can also appear intrusive and preoccupied with their child’s life.
They may also replace the actual love and affection for their child with using the child to feed their own needs.
The child, therefore, does not get their needs met and may go on to put everyone else’s needs above their own as they get older since this is what they have been used to doing.
Anxious preoccupied caregivers
It is likely that if a child has an anxious preoccupied attachment style, their caregiver also has this attachment style.
This is not likely due to genetic reasons; rather, it is a continuation of behavioral patterns repeated throughout generations.
Without addressing the insecure attachment of the child, they may grow up to have their own child who is also anxious-preoccupied.
Though these parenting styles may lead to attachment insecurity, they can also equip children with heightened attunement to others’ emotions and needs.
What Are Relationships With Anxious Preoccupied People Like?
Romantic relationships with anxious preoccupied adults can be intense and stressful for both the anxious person and their partner.
Often, it is not uncommon for people with an anxious attachment style to form relationships with those with an avoidant attachment style. Those with an avoidant attachment struggle to commit and can feed into the worries that anxious preoccupied people have.
According to Dr. Julie Smith, a clinical psychologist, these are the signs of an anxious attachment style in adult relationships:
- You find it hard to trust them, so you constantly seek reassurance. However, your partner sometimes perceives this as controlling or clingy.
- You feel dependent on your partner. Therefore, when you don’t have full access to them, it can trigger feelings of anxiety or even jealousy.
- You have a low opinion of yourself and sometimes feel worthless. In contrast, you perceive your partner in a much more positive light.
- You feel adequate only when your partner shows you approval. As a result, you’re always striving to meet their expectations.
- You tolerate unhealthy behaviors that you acknowledge as toxic because you’re afraid that the end of the relationship would confirm your deep-seated belief that you’re somehow worthless or unlovable.
Below are some ways in which an anxious preoccupied attachment can affect a relationship:
Worried about the relationship
A person with an anxious preoccupied attachment may have a lot of difficulties feeling secure in their relationships.
They may be constantly worried that the relationship is in trouble and be anxious that their partner will leave them at any time.
They often have a strong fear of abandonment and rejection, catastrophizing situations to reinforce these fears. For instance, unresponsiveness from a partner, such as not responding to texts straight away, can increase worries of abandonment.
Clinginess
Due to their deeply insecure feelings, someone with an anxious preoccupied attachment may behave in ways that appear clingy, controlling, possessive, or jealous. Acting in this way can have the opposite effect and can put a strain on the relationship.
They may become very preoccupied with the relationship and fall in love easily to the point where they become ‘obsessed’ with their partner.
Moreover, they fear being apart from their partner, which can be overbearing for the other person. For this reason, someone with an anxious preoccupied attachment would probably not cope well with a long-distance relationship.
Attuned to partner’s needs
Someone with an anxious preoccupied attachment style tends to hold their partner in high regard. They may be very attuned to their partner’s needs and may put a lot of effort into making sure their partner’s needs are met.
While this may come with its downfalls, being attuned to a partner’s needs is also a strength of people with an anxious preoccupied attachment. These adults tend to be caring, thoughtful, and highly invested in romantic relationships.
This ability to understand a partner’s needs and nurture the relationship may be a special strength.
Emotional ups and downs
Being in a relationship with someone who has an anxious preoccupied attachment can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. Their partner may not know what to expect from one moment to another.
The relationship can feel very unstable, with lots of anxiety, stress, and even unhappiness for both involved. A partner may have low relationship satisfaction if the anxious preoccupied partner cannot offer them emotional stability.
The anxious preoccupied person may act on their needs rather than communicate them. This can be displayed as intense emotions such as crying or shouting, requiring their partner to soothe them. This can become a vicious cycle of their partner feeling frustrated and exhausted.
Conflicts
Attachment styles can affect how someone deals with conflict. Conflicts for those with an anxious preoccupied attachment may arise due to feeling insecure, having negative beliefs, and being hypersensitive to a partner’s moods and actions.
During a conflict, someone with an anxious preoccupied attachment may choose to continue arguments to elicit the response they want from their partner. They may feel unable to calm down until their partner has met their need for assurance.
Combined with their tendency for high emotions, conflicts with a partner can become intense and cause a lot of upset.
How To Deal With Anxious Preoccupied Attachment
While you cannot change the attachment style you developed as a child, you can learn to manage or overcome it and move from anxious attachment to secure.
Understand your attachment style
It is useful to educate yourself on the different attachment styles and consider which one best suits you.
Consider how you behave in your relationships with others and how your relationship was with your primary caregiver as a child. Gaining an understanding of your attachment style can help you learn how to begin overcoming an insecure attachment.
Dr. Nadine Macaluso has several worksheets on attachment styles and how to heal for better relationships on her website.
Practice self-awareness
Try to notice when you have automatic responses to negativity. If your partner tells you they want to do an activity alone, do you automatically believe they are pulling away from you? Do you become jealous and possessive if your partner spends time with someone else?
Be aware of your automatic thoughts and try to give meaning to them. If you recognize that your thoughts may stem from your anxious preoccupied attachment, this can help with restructuring your thoughts.
You can notice when these negative thoughts come up and consider a healthier way to respond.
Learn healthy communication skills
Practice communicating in a manner that clearly expresses your needs in a healthy, non-confrontational way. This way, the relationship should have fewer misunderstandings, and you can build a stronger relationship with your partner.
Share your needs with loved ones and practice using your language to express when you struggle. Approach the conversation with honesty and kindness so you can make requests without coming across as needy or controlling.
Dr Marshall Rosenberg’s book ‘Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life’ provides guidance for expressing your needs to your partner in an empathetic and healthy way.
Externalize your feelings
Externalizing your feelings means taking your thoughts and emotions and putting them into something meaningful and healthy.
For instance, feelings can be expressed through creating art, movement, or music. Likewise, keeping a journal can be a good way to get out strong emotions and work through your thoughts. This is also useful to help recognize unhelpful thought patterns.
Reparent your inner child
Re-parenting yourself means allowing yourself the love, support, and kindness that you may have missed out on as a child. This is especially useful if you had a caregiver who was very inconsistent in their parenting.
Be compassionate with yourself, comfort yourself when you need it, and show kindness. You can think of this as treating yourself the same way you would show kindness to an innocent child.
There are several books to help reparent your inner child, such as the book, ‘Inner Child’ by Tiffany Trieu, which offers journalling activities and reflective practices to help heal from difficult parenting.
Consider therapy
If you find you need extra support with managing your attachment style, you can consider therapeutic options. This can be especially helpful if there is a diagnosable mental health condition alongside the anxious preoccupied attachment style.
Through therapy, you can learn to recognize your attachment patterns, examine your feelings about yourself, and learn to approach relationships with others in a healthy way.
Therapy can help build self-awareness of strengths as well as attachment insecurities so one can learn to channel the adaptive abilities of this style.
Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) aims to help identify and challenge unhelpful thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. This can be useful for someone who has insecure feelings and unhealthy behaviors that stem from their anxious attachment.
Another therapy is interpersonal therapy, which helps individuals learn how to improve their interpersonal relationships and social interactions. Moreover, psychodynamic psychotherapy can help people with anxious-preoccupied attachment investigate how their attachment style as a child can impact their life now.
Leveraging Your Strengths
While attachment challenges can feel overwhelming, it is important to recognize how this style equips you with special gifts as well.
Michael always dreaded team projects, anxious his obsessive editing and perfectionism would annoy classmates. However, his thorough attention to detail and organization helped the group efficiently divide tasks. They finished their project first, with Michael’s skills proving essential.
Likewise, Eva’s sensitivity initially made her overanalyze friends’ behaviors. But she learned to channel this into a caretaker role where her attunement provided much-needed support. “You always know when something’s wrong and are there for me,” her best friend noted gratefully.
Remember that your vigilance, caretaking, and relationship commitment don’t always have to manifest negatively.
Reflect on times these abilities empowered you or others. Harness them consciously while working to temper the parts of your attachment style that go into overdrive.
Helping Your Partner
If you have a partner with an anxious preoccupied attachment, there are some things you can do to support them:
Understand their attachment style
Learning about attachment theory and understanding your partner’s attachment style through research can be a good starting point for understanding them better.
Think of a time you responded to your partner’s attachment needs in an unhealthy way. What could you have done differently?
Express gratitude
Although you may show gratitude to your partner through your actions, your partner may not pick up on this.
It may be better to explicitly tell them when you appreciate something, such as starting sentences with ‘I appreciate that you…’ and ‘Thank you for…’.
Using clear and concise language about what you feel can help make sure your intentions are known, which is something a person with an anxious-preoccupied attachment can struggle with.
Ensure they feel secure
A partner with an anxious preoccupied attachment may need ongoing assurance about how you feel about them. This can be expressed through actions as well as verbally telling them.
Be consistent in the attention you give your partner. If there are times when you know you will not be available to spend time with them, clearly communicate this to avoid them feeling abandoned.
You can also help them work on their insecurities by encouraging them to be self-aware in a way that does not feel like criticism. Together, you can help them overcome their anxieties by gently encouraging self-reflection.
Stick to your word
Since a person with anxious preoccupied attachment has difficulty trusting others and has a fear of abandonment, it is important to be a trustworthy person in their eyes.
Trust can be built by sticking to promises and commitments you make. Breaking these can fuel their lack of distrust and can bring out strong emotional reactions, so ensure you follow through with them to the best of your ability.
This can also apply when setting your own healthy boundaries with your partner. Ensure your boundaries are clear and that they are reinforced.
A partner who acts as a reliable figure can restore a person’s sense of security and help them function more securely.
Consider couple’s therapy
Couples therapy can be beneficial to strengthen any relationship. It can be especially helpful for couples where one has an anxious preoccupied attachment, and the other has an avoidant attachment style.
Therapy allows you to participate in discussion with your partner with the help of a skilled moderator.
They can help you and your partner process any negative thoughts and feelings and help to break down barriers to communication that are affecting the relationship. Therapy can also provide the tools to communicate effectively with each other outside of the sessions.
Further Information
- Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. R. (1994). Attachment as an organizational framework for research on close relationships. Psychological Inquiry, 5(1), 1-22.
- McCarthy, G. (1999). Attachment style and adult love relationships and friendships: A study of a group of women at risk of experiencing relationship difficulties. British Journal of Medical Psychology, 72(3), 305-321.
- Greater Good Magazine of Berkeley University of California. How to stop attachment insecurity from ruining your love life.
- BPS Article- Overrated: The predictive power of attachment
- How Attachment Style Changes Through Multiple Decades Of Life
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