Conditions of worth refer to the implicit and explicit expectations, rules, roles, and standards an individual must meet to gain acceptance, positive regard, respect, care, and love from significant others. They reflect our core beliefs about what makes us valuable and lovable.
According to humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers, conditions of worth develop early in life based on the conditional positive regard and approval we receive from significant others, especially parents.
We learn that certain behaviors, personalities, or accomplishments tend to elicit praise, affection, and approval from others, while alternative ways often garner criticism, punishment, or rejection.
A condition of worth arises when the positive regard of a significant other is conditional, when the individual feels that in some respects he is prized and in others not. Gradually, this same attitude is assimilated into his own self-regard complex, and he values an experience positively or negatively solely because of these conditions of worth which he has taken over from others, not because the experience enhances or fails to enhance his organism.
(Rogers, 1959, p. 209)
As children, we need unconditional love and acceptance from caregivers to develop a healthy sense of self-worth. However, parents often show approval when children behave in desired ways and withhold affection when they misbehave.
Over time, children internalize these parental standards as the basis for their own self-worth – they learn to value themselves only when meeting specific expectations for behavior. This introjection of others’ standards is called taking over conditions of worth.
Examples of Conditions of Worth
As a child, Sarah believed being helpful and obedient was necessary for her parents to love her.
This belief is reinforced by her parents, who praise Sarah when she listens well and helps around the house, making her feel cared for.
Sarah starts to believe that the worthiness of her parents’ affection comes from being obedient and useful. She measures her own value based on meeting these expectations. This is an example of introjecting conditions of worth.
The problem with basing self-worth on meeting expectations for behavior is that whenever Sarah fails to be helpful or obedient, she feels unworthy of love. This creates anxiety about losing parental approval.
Over time, Sarah judges herself harshly for any normal mistakes, flaws, or misbehavior, rather than accepting herself unconditionally. She pursues the ideal obedient self she believes she must be in order to earn her parents’ love.
This lack of self-acceptance and need to live up to internalized standards reflects the gap between her real and ideal selves. Letting go of conditions of worth through therapy could help Sarah trust her own innate worth.
What Are your conditions of worth?
You may need to re-evaluate the conditions of worth you have internalized that determine your self-worth. Doing so could help improve your relationship with yourself.
Unconditional love is when you are loved no matter what. Conditional love is when you are only loved if you meet certain expectations or conditions.
Ideally, we would all receive abundant unconditional love. But most people do not get that.
Carl Rogers believed that if children’s conditions of worth were met as kids, they would receive love and have healthy self-regard.
However, if children only receive love by meeting expectations, their self-regard and capacity to love others may be compromised.
Common conditions of worth that emerge related to gender roles, academic/career success, self-presentation, emotional expression, and compliance with authority.
For example:
- Work hard to be successful and productive
- Always please others before yourself
- Men must be strong, stoic breadwinners who do not show vulnerability
- Women should be caring, gentle, and compliant
- Don’t get visibly angry or upset
- Don’t show weakness or ask for help
- Suppress certain emotions like fear or sadness
- Be polite, quiet, and obedient
- Don’t break the rules
Conditions of worth that determine self-worth can be subtle yet powerful, creating a moral code we live by. We internalize them so well that the origins of our feelings about ourselves are not obvious. We know some things make us feel good or bad about ourselves, but we may not understand why.
Introjected conditions of worth
Introjected conditions of worth involve taking on the expectations of others as the primary determinant of self-worth rather than allowing self-worth to arise naturally from within. This can lead to incongruence between one’s true self and ideal self.
In more detail:
- Introjection is a psychological defense mechanism where values or beliefs from an external source are taken in and adopted as one’s own.
- Conditions of worth are standards an individual feels they must meet to be valued or worthy of love/acceptance. These often originate from significant others, especially parents, in childhood.
- Introjected conditions of worth specifically refer to when an individual introjects or internalizes the positive/negative evaluations and standards of others and uses those as the basis to judge their own self-worth.
For example, if a child is only praised when getting good grades, they may introject the condition of worth that their worth is tied to academic achievement. As a result, they will judge their own value based on meeting that parental standard, rather than trusting their innate organismic valuing process.
The problem is that making our self-worth contingent on meeting internalized standards or expectations can severely damage psychological health when those expectations are unrealistic or unattainable.
Counseling helps identify and challenge the conditions of worth we have introjected so that self-acceptance and self-regard become unconditional rather than something to be earned.
Development of incongruence
Living up to introjected conditions of worth, rather than actualizing one’s true needs and values, creates incongruence between one’s real and ideal selves. The gap between who one is and who one feels one must be to gain approval can lead to feelings of low self-worth, anxiety, and depression.
Rogers believed this incongruence stems from the distorted perceptions that arise from adopting others’ conditions of worth, starting in infancy.
As we depart from accurately integrating all of our authentic experiences into our self-structure, we are no longer a unified whole person. Rather, we develop different facets of self, some of which may feel threatened by certain experiences.
However, with unconditional positive regard from a therapist, conditions of worth can dissolve, enabling greater congruence and a return to more authentic living. – trusting one’s inner wisdom about what is self-enhancing. Becoming one’s true self allows for healthier functioning.
What can counselling do about conditions of worth?
Conditions of worth is a concept from Carl Rogers’ Person-Centered Counseling. He believed people have the internal means to improve themselves, and the counselor should support the client’s own drive to do so rather than drive the process.
Client-centered therapy provides a space to explore our personal histories and upbringings to identify the subtle yet impactful conditions of worth we carry. These conditions of worth act as an inherited moral code that silently shapes our self-perception.
By unpacking where these beliefs and assumptions about our worthiness originate from, we can start to make sense of lingering feelings of unhappiness or not feeling good enough.
Gaining this understanding empowers us to challenge the beliefs that were instilled in us by parents, family members, or early life experiences.
For example, let’s say you feel immense pressure to have a high-paying job, expensive house and nice car to feel “successful” because that was valued in your family. Through counseling, you may realize you would actually be happier living simply, writing poetry and traveling in a camper van.
Making decisions that align with your own heart and desires becomes possible once you separate external conditions of worth from your inner truth.
Counseling facilitates this process of insight and owning your own beliefs to determine the life path that would actually fulfill you.
References
Proctor, C., Tweed, R., & Morris, D. (2016). The Rogerian fully functioning person: A positive psychology perspective. Journal of Humanistic Psychology, 56(5), 503–529. https://doi.org/10.1177/0022167815605936
Rogers, C. R. (1959). A theory of therapy, personality, and interpersonal relationships as developed in the client-centered framework. In S. Koch (Ed.), Psychology: A study of a science. Formulations of the person and the social context (Vol. 3, pp. 184-256). New York, NY: McGraw-Hill.
