Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style: Signs & How To Cope

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An attachment style describes how people relate to others based on how secure they feel. Fearful avoidant attachment is thought to be the rarest attachment type.

The attachment style you develop in early childhood is thought to have a lifelong influence on your ability to communicate your emotions and needs, how you respond to conflict, and how you form expectations about your relationships.

What is Fearful Attachment?

Fearful-avoidant attachment, also known as disorganized attachment, is a complex pattern of behavior characterized by both high levels of anxiety and avoidance in relationships.

People with fearful-avoidant attachments often crave intimacy and connection but are simultaneously afraid of getting too close to anyone due to past traumas or negative experiences.

Understanding this attachment style can help individuals navigate their relationships more effectively and improve their overall emotional well-being.

Fearful individuals often hold a negative model of self and also a negative model of others, fearing both intimacy and autonomy.

They display attachment behaviors typical of avoidant children becoming socially withdrawn and untrusting of others.

“Like dismissing avoidant, they often cope with distancing themselves from relationship partners, but unlike dismissing individuals, they continue to experience anxiety and neediness concerning their partner’s love, reliability, and trustworthiness”

(Schachner, Shaver & Mikulincer, 2003, p. 248).

Signs in Children

The behavior of a fearful avoidant child is very disorganized, hence why it is also known as disorganized attachment.

If the child and caregiver were to be separated for any amount of time, on reunion, the child will act conflicted. They may initially run towards their caregiver but then seem to change their mind and either run away or act out.

A child with a fearful avoidant attachment often desire comfort and closeness with their caregiver, but once close, they act fearful and untrusting. The child may avoid eye contact, scream in an attempt to engage their caregiver or seek attention to only shut it down promptly.

Older children may grow to feel unsafe in their world. They find that they cannot put their full trust in anyone and may struggle to open up to others. They may not give deep information about themselves and prefer to keep conversations superficial as their own personal boundary.

They tend to show no preference for people who are familiar to them over strangers and may discuss inappropriate things with people who are unfamiliar to them.

They might not have any long-term friendships with their peers and prefer to switch to spending time with someone else when friendships become more meaningful.

Some other common traits that may indicate a child may have a fearful avoidant attachment style include:

Not having a felt sense of safety – always feeling like something is wrong
Poor self-regulation of emotions
Difficulty trusting others
Hypervigilance – always looking out for signs of danger
Finding it hard to self-soothe
Fidgety behaviors
No sense of personal boundaries
Difficulty concentrating
Finding it hard to keep friends
Dissociating to cut off their emotions
Trying to regain control by behaving bossy

Children with a fearful avoidant attachment are at risk of carrying these behaviors into adulthood if they do not receive support to overcome this. They may struggle to feel secure in any relationship if they do not get help for their attachment style.

spectrum of attachment styles — Attachment styles

Causes

While it may not always be clear why someone may develop a fearful avoidant attachment style, it is often because of the parenting by caregivers. Some of the ways in which parenting styles can cause a fearful avoidant attachment include the following:

Abuse or trauma

Oftentimes, fearful-avoidant attachment is common for those who have experienced abuse or trauma in their childhoods involving their caregiver.

In response to abuse, a child becomes stuck between deactivation, since the caregiver cannot be a source of reassurance, and hyperactivation, since the presence of the frightening caregiver constantly triggers attachment needs. The child desperately needs comfort but has learned that their caregiver cannot give it to them.

Broken trust

In the eyes of a child with a fearful avoidant attachment, their caregivers are untrustworthy.

Their parenting can be very inconsistent, being warm and loving one moment, then switching to cold and emotionally distant the next. This parenting can make it difficult for the child to predict how their parent will react at any given time, resulting in elevated feelings of insecurity.

The parent may also make a lot of promises to the child, which they do not follow through on. For instance, they may promise to do something for them, be there for them in times of need, or promise not to yell anymore.

When the parent does not follow through on these commitments, this adds to the child’s belief that they cannot trust others.

Threatening language

Toxic language from a caregiver, such as making threats, can result in a child not feeling secure in their relationship.

This can include using threats of punishment and threats of physical violence to incite fear in the child. When a child feels fearful of their caregivers, they also learn they cannot rely on having healthy and supportive communication with them.

Emotionally needy caregivers

Caregivers who use their children for their own emotional needs may inflict damage on their children without realizing it.

They may be emotionally needy by expressing their wants and needs to their child and sometimes expecting their child to carry this burden or fix the issues themselves. If the caregiver is using the child to satisfy their own needs, they may be neglecting the child’s emotional and physical needs.

The child will also learn that their needs do not matter as much as others. The child may even take on an emotional caretaker role for their parent, which can make the parent even more reliant on their child to meet their needs.

Fearful avoidant caregivers

It is likely that if a child has a fearful avoidant attachment style, their caregivers also have this attachment style.

This does not mean that there is a genetic component to attachment styles; rather, it is a continuation of behavioral patterns that are being repeated throughout generations. It is likely that a caregiver’s parents caused them to have a fearful avoidant attachment, and so on.

Without addressing the insecure attachment of the child, they may grow up to have their own children who are also fearful-avoidant.

Fearful Avoidant Parents

It is likely that the parents of fearful avoidant children are likely to have the same attachment style.

They may be frightened of the child, meaning they don’t know how to meet the child’s needs, and will flee or freeze in response to a child seeking support.

They may have an exaggerated startled response and a frightened tone of voice.

A fearful avoidant parent is also likely to be very withdrawn from their child.

They may have an anxious nature and be non-responsive to the child. Moreover, they may not pay attention to an infant when they cry.

A fearful avoidant parent is likely to have their own trauma that they are preoccupied with.

They did not overcome their attachment style and so are less focused on their child and are more likely to pass on their insecurities to them.

As well as being frightened, a fearful avoidant parent may sometimes be frightening to the child. They may be emotionally reactive, overreact to the child, be intrusive, and may even be threatening or abusive in severe cases.

Fearful Avoidant Adults

John Bowlby argued that one’s sense of security as a child is critical to attachment style as an adult.

Fearful avoidant attachment can continue into adulthood if not addressed and influence how a person behaves in close relationships.

Fearful avoidant attachment can continue into adulthood if not addressed. A lot of the same traits from childhood can carry over into adulthood, such as having high anxiety and difficulty trusting others.

What is key with fearful avoidant attachment is that individuals want control and security and will put things in place to ensure they do not lose that.

Below are some of the traits that are characteristic of adults with a fearful avoidant attachment style:

A need for control and security
Difficulty trusting others
A limited sense of safety – always feeling like something will go wrong
Wanting a close relationship but afraid of getting too close
Difficulty regulating their emotions
They usually have a negative view of themselves
A negative view of others
The belief that they will be disappointed and let down by others
May be very focused on their career rather than on the people in their lives
A need to protect themselves against rejection
May be passive or cold during interactions as a way to shield themselves
People-pleasing tendencies
Hypervigilant – always looking for signs of danger
May find it hard to maintain friendships
Elevated levels of anxiety
Difficulty concentrating
Find it hard to self-soothe

signs of fearful avoidant attachment — Signs of fearful avoidant attachment

Emotional dysregulation

People with a fearful avoidant attachment may have a lot of difficulties regulating their emotions in their adult relationships.

They may find they have more highly emotional relationships and respond poorly or inappropriately to difficult emotions.

Conflicting feelings about relationships

A fearful-avoidant person may not know how to feel about their relationships with friends and romantic partners.

They often crave a relationship but are fearful of getting hurt. Once it becomes too intimate or emotional, they will likely withdraw or end the relationship. In general, they tend to feel dissatisfaction in their relationships.

Negative self-view

Part of fearful avoidant attachment is that the individual has a negative view of themselves.

They may not be very sure of themselves, which makes them less assertive and withdraw from social contact.

Avoid getting close to others

People with fearful avoidant attachment want to minimize the eventual disappointment that comes from having relationships with others.

By avoiding close involvement with others, this attachment style enables the person to protect themselves against anticipated rejection.

Someone with this attachment style may prioritize other things, such as their career, rather than focusing on people who they believe will disappoint them eventually.

Unhelpful social behaviors

Someone with this attachment style may be passive or cold during interactions as a way to shield themselves from hurt and rejection.

Otherwise, it is common for people with this attachment style to hold grudges as they usually do not like to deal with confrontations or difficult conversations.

They can also be people pleasers, meaning they go along with whatever other people want or agree to things they may not agree with to make life easier.

Coping

Below are some ways that you can cope with a feaful-avoidant attachment style:

Understand your attachment style

It can be useful to educate yourself on attachment theory and identify what attachment style you feel you may have.

Consider how you behave in your relationships with others, as well as consider how your relationship with your caregiver was as a child. Gaining an understanding of your attachment style can help you learn how to begin overcoming an insecure attachment.

Self-awareness

Try to become aware of when your fearful-avoidant style is being triggered. If you are picking up on a small change in your partner, and your automatic thought is that they are being disloyal or are rejecting you, notice this.

Consider why you feel this way and what can be a healthier thought to have instead. For instance, if you notice your partner has a change in body language, instead of thinking that they are hiding something, consider that they could just be tired or having a bad day.

Being aware of your automatic thoughts and trying to challenge them when they come to the surface can help you to respond to situations in a healthy way.

Work on communication skills

Practice communicating in a manner that clearly expresses your needs in a healthy, non-confrontational way.

Express your feelings rather than from a place of blaming or criticism. You can do this by using ‘I’ statements such as saying, ‘I felt frustrated when you X.’ In this way, your partner is less likely to feel attacked, and there should be fewer misunderstandings about what you feel.

Try to get used to expressing your needs clearly and directly while being kind. For instance, you could say, ‘I am needing to feel supported when I X’ or ‘I am needing some time alone to do X.’

Communicating what you need rather than indirectly pushing your partner away can make your partner clearer on what you expect from them.

Set healthy boundaries

Many people with a fearful avoidant attachment style may have had their boundaries broken as a child and have a distorted view of what healthy boundaries are.

Spend some time considering what you are comfortable with and what your limits are. You may need some help from a trusted friend or a therapist if this is something you struggle with.

Then, communicate your boundaries with your partner and stick to them.

Consider therapy

If you find that you need extra support with managing your attachment style or want to learn to be more secure, you can consider trying therapy.

Through therapeutic methods, you can learn to recognize your attachment patterns, examine your feelings about yourself, and learn to approach relationships with others in a healthy way.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a therapy that aims to help identify and challenge unhelpful thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. This can be useful for someone who has insecure feelings and unhealthy behaviors that stem from a fearful avoidant attachment.

Another type of therapy is interpersonal therapy which helps individuals learn how to improve their interpersonal relationships and social interactions. This can be suited to someone wishing to change their attachment style and become more secure in their relationships.

Additionally, psychodynamic psychotherapy can help people with a fearful avoidant attachment investigate how their attachment style as a child impacts their adult relationships.

It is advisable to speak to a professional if you are finding it difficult to navigate life due to your attachment style.

Frequently Asked Questions

How common is the fearful avoidant attachment style?

The fearful-avoidant attachment style is rarer than the other attachment styles, typically occurring in about 7% of the population.

It often develops in the first 18 months of life and is most prevalent in those who were abused or experienced trauma as a child. More often than not, this attachment style develops in the most at-risk groups.

What is the differences between fearful avoidant and anxious avoidant attachment?

Fearful avoidant and anxious avoidant attachment styles both involve fear of intimacy, but they differ in how they respond to it.

Fearful-avoidant individuals desire close relationships but are afraid of being hurt, leading to a push-pull dynamic. They struggle with both the need for connection and the fear of rejection.

On the other hand, anxious-avoidant individuals also desire closeness but feel overwhelmed by it, leading to a tendency to withdraw or create emotional distance. They fear losing their independence and often send mixed signals to potential partners.

Can a fearful-avoidant attachment style change over time?

Yes, a fearful-avoidant attachment style can change over time with self-awareness, personal growth, and therapeutic interventions.

By addressing underlying fears and unresolved traumas, individuals can develop more secure attachment patterns.

Building healthy relationships, practicing effective communication, and seeking professional help can all contribute to a gradual shift toward a more secure attachment style.

However, the pace and extent of change may vary for each person, depending on their unique experiences and dedication to personal growth.

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