Social anxiety can undermine our confidence, making us fear judgment and rejection in social situations.
For those dealing with social anxiety disorder (SAD), it is as if there is a shadow blurring their view of the world. This feeling comes from being afraid of what people might think in social situations.
Imagine feeling worried that people will judge or reject you when you are in a social situation. That is a big part of what social anxiety is about. It is like a fear that makes you careful in social situations, even if it means holding back who you are.
The effects of social anxiety can go beyond just feeling awkward for a moment. It can mess with how you see yourself and your ability to connect with others.
Your confidence in social situations can take a hit because of it, creating a negative cycle that lowers your self-esteem and confidence.
In this article, we will explore some tips and tricks to help you feel more connected and sure of yourself in social settings. You got this!
Drop safety behaviors (and be aware of what they are)
Safety behaviors are actions that arise when we feel anxious in social situations in an attempt to feel better and more in control. For example, avoiding eye contact, looking at your phone or wearing headphones so people do not talk to you.
While these can give temporary relief, relying on these long-term can make anxiety worse. One study found that safety behaviors like avoidance were related to more negative outcomes and relationships with peers.
Therefore, becoming aware of what your safety behaviors are and slowly dropping them is a good first step.
One way to do this is to set up an experiment for yourself:
Nick always scrolls on his phone during social events as a way to manage these situations and to not draw attention to himself. However, he wants to drop this behavior and increase his social confidence, so at the next work pub night, he challenges himself to not use his phone for at least an hour. Nick feels anxious at first when some of his colleagues start asking him questions, but he responds and has pleasant back-and-forth conversations. He stumbles over his words a couple of times, but no one calls him out on it. One of his colleagues takes an interest when Nick mentions one of his favorite hobbies is video games, and they have a deep discussion about the latest game they have both played. At the end of the night, Nick reflects on his experiment and realizes that drawing some attention to himself resulted in building a stronger friendship with someone else. Nick now feels like he can go to future social events and use his phone less and less.
It may take some time to completely drop safety behavior, and setbacks can be expected, but every small victory adds up. It often shows you that your fears were often scarier in your mind than in reality.
Plus, having support from friends, family, or professionals with dropping safety behaviors makes the journey less bumpy. The key is realizing that, with each small step, you are not just facing anxiety, you are rewriting the story of your confidence.
Set realistic goals
Sometimes, when we are trying to become more confident with social anxiety, we might think we have to be the life of the party or super talkative all the time. But that is not fair or realistic to us.
Instead, try setting goals that make sense for you. For example, rather than aiming to be the most outgoing person everywhere, try small, doable things. Perhaps aim to start a conversation, make a plan to hang out, or invite someone to join you somewhere. These little steps help grow your social confidence without overwhelming yourself.
Also, it is important to understand that not every social situation needs the same level of outgoing energy. It is important to emphasize and remind yourself that it is okay to be yourself.
If you are naturally quieter or more introverted, that is perfectly fine. When you set goals, focus on feeling good about your progress and accepting yourself rather than trying to meet some external standard.
It is possible to be a confident person whilst also being quieter or more selective of when you speak.
Gradually expose yourself to social situations
Gradual exposure to social situations is like taking little steps to face what makes you anxious. So, if you feel jittery about heading out and socializing with others, try challenging yourself bit by bit.
Start with something small, like saying hello to a neighbor. As you get comfortable, take on a bit more. Maybe join a small gathering or plan a small social event and invite someone.
Professionals also often use gradual exposure in therapy for social anxiety. So, it is a proven method that, when done right, can help you feel more at ease in social settings and increase confidence. Remember, it’s about progress, not perfection.
Therefore, this can help your mind get used to the idea at a manageable pace. The key is to take your time and not rush. Cognitive techniques, like reminding yourself that it is okay to feel nervous, can help.
Embrace Mindfulness and Deep Breathing
Navigating social situations with social anxiety can be challenging, but incorporating mindfulness and deep breathing techniques can make a significant difference! Mindfulness is being fully present in the moment without judgment.
This can help you detach from anxious thoughts, ground yourself, and allow you to observe your thoughts and feelings without being overwhelmed by them. Similarly, deep breathing, a core component of mindfulness, helps regulate the nervous system and calm the body’s stress response.
Taking a moment to regulate your physiological response can help you to approach social situations with more confidence and reduced anxiety.
If you are unsure of how to do this, here is a quick guide to get you started: before entering a social event, find a quiet space. Inhale deeply, counting to four, hold for four counts, and exhale for another four counts. Repeat this process several times. As you re-enter the event, focus on the sensory details around you, like the sound of laughter or the warmth of the room.
This mindful approach can help you stay centered, and reduce anxiety, making you overall more confident. It takes time to master so give it a few tries, you can do this!
Challenge negative self-talk (distortions)
Imagine your mind as a storyteller, sometimes it tells happy stories but sometimes it tells some that are not entirely accurate.
People with SAD are especially prone to this happening which can affect their social confidence. So what do you do?
You play detective with your thoughts. Are you falling into thinking traps, like all-or-nothing or mind-reading? Challenge these distortions by asking yourself: “Is this thought 100% true? Am I assuming what others think?”
For example, if you are in a social situation and you catch yourself thinking, “Is everyone thinking about me?” remind yourself that people are usually more focused on their own concerns.
They are likely wrestling with their own negative thoughts about how they are coming across. It is a shared human experience.
Encourage yourself to turn negative self-talk into a supportive dialogue. Instead of demanding perfection, try saying, “I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.” or “I cannot control what people are thinking about me.” Shift from self-criticism to self-compassion and start to boost your self-esteem.
Interestingly, one study looking at interventions for social anxiety found that focusing on self-esteem helped participants more than interventions focused more on building social skills.
So remember, everyone grapples with their inner dialogue, but by challenging these distortions, you’re crafting a new narrative—one that fosters confidence and resilience. You’ve got the starring role in yours. You’ve got this!
Consider what strengths you bring to social situations
When engaging with others, consider what positive qualities you are bringing into the conversation. Are you supportive, kind, or knowledgeable?
Embrace these strengths; they are your authentic contributions. Remember, social interactions are not about fitting into a predefined mold but about being yourself and appreciating the value you bring.
Let us try this exercise: Picture a social situation as the stage, and you are a unique performer bringing your strengths to the spotlight. First, take a moment to reflect on your strengths. Maybe you are an empathetic listener, a witty conversationalist, or someone with a great sense of humor. These strengths are your superpowers in social interactions that make your performance great.
Now, make a mental list of such strengths before social events. This will help prep your mind to focus on the positive aspects you bring, boosting your confidence and shifting the narrative from self-doubt to self-affirmation.
So, step onto the social stage with the recognition that your unique strengths make you an invaluable part of any social setting. You are not just navigating; you are shining.
Reframe mistakes as learning opportunities
Embracing mistakes as learning opportunities is a crucial aspect of building social confidence. Rather than viewing missteps as failures, consider them valuable experiences that contribute to personal growth!
Understand that everyone makes mistakes in social interactions, not just individuals dealing with social anxiety. By reframing mistakes, you shift the focus from perceived inadequacies to opportunities for improvement.
For example, if you find yourself stumbling over words during a conversation or experiencing a moment of awkwardness, instead of focusing on the feeling of embarrassment, recognize it as a chance to improve your communication skills. Reflect on what happened without self-criticism, and find areas where you can adjust your approach better in the future.
This shift in mindset not only reduces the impact of negative experiences on your self-esteem but also helps you create more resilience and adaptability in social situations. Remember, confidence is a skill that develops over time, and every time you socialize, it can give you valuable clues on how to work on it.
It is also important to remember that other people are probably not going to hold your perceived ‘social mistakes’ over you. If we flip the perspective, do you often think about social mistakes that other people may have made? Or do you not pick up on them or remember them at all once the interaction is over?
Have ideas for conversation topics
Having a few conversational strategies in your back pocket can be a helpful tool for kickstarting your social confidence.
Instead of over-preparing, consider having some general knowledge of topics that interest you. This might include recent movies, books, or local events. Think about open-ended questions you can ask others about their interests; this will help create a natural flow in conversation.
On that note, try to focus only a little on over-preparing or scripting every interaction. Instead, aim for a balance between having a mental toolkit of conversation starters and allowing the conversation to unfold naturally. Embrace the idea that it is okay not to have every detail planned out.
This approach not only keeps discussions spontaneous but also reduces the pressure you might feel to constantly steer where your talk is going.
Remember, the goal is to feel more at ease, enjoying social interactions without the burden of excessively preparing.
Seeking Professional Help and Joining Support Groups
Seeking professional help and engaging with support groups can form a powerful duo in building your social confidence. A mental health professional can help tailor strategies to your needs, while support groups can offer a shared understanding that is often key in building social confidence.
You can begin by researching and scheduling a consultation with a therapist who specializes in social anxiety. During the meeting, tell them about your social goals and discuss how therapy can support you in achieving them.
At the same time, have a look into online forums or local community centers to find any suitable groups. Actively participating in those can provide emotional support and serve as a platform for practicing social interactions in a safe environment.
Celebrate how far you have come
Celebrating your progress in managing social anxiety is very important when building confidence. Therefore, remember to take a moment and reflect on situations where you navigated social interactions successfully, even if they were small victories!
This could be things like attending a social event without excessive worry, starting a conversation, or simply being present and in the moment.
Recognizing and celebrating such achievements can help reinforce positive behaviors and contribute to your self-esteem.
Consider keeping a journal as well where you note down examples where you felt more at ease in social settings. Regularly reviewing them not only serves as a reminder of your progress but also creates a sense of pride in building social confidence.
Overall, by acknowledging and celebrating your journey, you reinforce that improvement is possible, which can help you create a more positive and confident approach to future social situations.
Conclusion
In conclusion, tackling social anxiety is no small feat, but understanding its impact on confidence is the first step to overcoming it. By recognizing the fears and assumptions that drive social anxiety, you can begin to challenge and reshape your thoughts.
Embracing gradual exposure, setting realistic goals, and reframing negative self-talk are powerful tools in this journey. It is about celebrating progress, acknowledging strengths, and seeing mistakes as stepping stones to growth.
Remember, building confidence in social situations is a process, and everyone’s path is unique. So, as you embark on this journey, be kind to yourself, celebrate the victories, and know that each small step forward is a triumph in itself.
References
Bowles, T. V. (2017). The focus of intervention for adolescent social anxiety: Communication skills or self-esteem. International Journal of School & Educational Psychology, 5(1), 14-25.
Butler, G., & Hackmann, A. (2004). Social anxiety. Oxford guide to behavioural experiments in cognitive therapy, 141-158.
DiBartolo, P. M., & Hofmann, S. G. (Eds.). (2014). Social anxiety: Clinical, developmental, and social perspectives. Elsevier.
Evans, R., Chiu, K., Clark, D. M., Waite, P., & Leigh, E. (2021). Safety behaviours in social anxiety: An examination across adolescence. Behaviour research and therapy, 144, 103931.
Gray, E., Beierl, E. T., & Clark, D. M. (2019). Sub-types of safety behaviours and their effects on social anxiety disorder. Plos one, 14(10), e0223165.
Norton, A. R., Abbott, M. J., Norberg, M. M., & Hunt, C. (2015). A systematic review of mindfulness and acceptance‐based treatments for social anxiety disorder. Journal of clinical psychology, 71(4), 283-301.
Pegues, D. S. (2016). Socially Confident in 60 Seconds: Practical Tips for Navigating Any Situation. Harvest House Publishers.
Tod, D., Hardy, J., & Oliver, E. (2011). Effects of self-talk: A systematic review. Journal of Sport and Exercise Psychology, 33(5), 666-687.
Further Information
Social Anxiety: An NHS Self-Help Guide
Centre For Clinical Interventions: Stepping Out Of Social Anxiety
NHS Inform: Social anxiety self-help guide
