The Psychology Behind FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)

What Does FOMO Feel Like?

FOMO is characterized by the desire to stay continually connected with what others are doing (Gupta & Sharma, 2021).

FOMO can involve a deep sense of envy of others or feeling unhappy about your own life. It may also make you feel anxious about not progressing or living a life that is not as exciting as it could be.

When experiencing FOMO, you have the urge to be connected to what other people are doing and compare yourself with them. This may lead to feelings of lower self-worth or self-esteem if other people seemingly have better life experiences than ourselves.

Causes Of FOMO

Below are some of the possible reasons why people experience FOMO (Note that this is not an exhaustive list):

Loss aversion

Loss aversion suggests that people are more likely to be affected by losses than by equal gains.

If they perceive that they are losing or missing out on something, this can cause greater negative feelings than the positive feelings that come with not missing out (Gupta & Shrivastava, 2022).

Regret

Regret is thought to be the strongest trigger for why people experience FOMO. The fear of missing out can go hand in hand with feelings of regret for missing out.

Regret can also be broadcasted into the future through what is known as ‘affective forecasting.’ This means that people try to predict how they might feel based on events that haven’t happened yet (Baum & Baumann, 2017).

So, people may feel regret before something happens, which can trigger FOMO.

Too much choice

Another potential cause for FOMO could be that we have too many options. While too many options may feel like a positive thing, there comes the point where there are too many things to choose from, and this can become overwhelming.

For instance, someone may not know what career to get into if they are bombarded by many choices, and they cannot predict which will be the best option for them.

Learning to choose well in a world of unlimited possibilities is often harder than learning to choose at all.

We will usually want to pick what is right for us, which can prove difficult if there are too many options, and we fear missing out if we choose the wrong option.

Lower mood

FOMO may originate from feelings of unhappiness. Low levels of satisfaction with the basic needs for competence, autonomy, and relatedness may tend towards higher levels of FOMO than those with their needs met.

Those who feel socially excluded may also have higher levels of FOMO.

Humans are social beings who desire group interactions, so the perceived social exclusion may make people unhappier, which means they are more likely to experience FOMO.

FOMO and Social Media

Social media enables constant access to others’ lives, promoting FOMO. People share only the highlight reels of their lives on social media, making others feel their lives are less exciting (Przybylski et al., 2013).

Receiving notifications compels continual engagement with social media, evoking a fear of missing out (Tandon et al., 2020).

Social media use has been linked to higher FOMO. The desire for belonging drives social media use (Przybylski et al., 2013), but any discontinuity in communication may create feelings of social exclusion, a precursor to FOMO. This can become a vicious cycle of comparison and feeling left out.

People and companies promote FOMO by telling followers not to “miss out.” Although social media provides greater access to FOMO triggers, hearing about missed opportunities from friends produces similar FOMO as social media (Milyavskaya et al., 2018).

So social media itself doesn’t necessarily cause more FOMO than other communication methods; it simply spreads FOMO among more people through its wide accessibility.

The key points are that social media enables FOMO through constant access to curated lives we aren’t living, and the need for belonging drives continual use, while discontinuity evokes social exclusion, starting the FOMO cycle

How can Social Media Increase FOMO in a Relationship?

With the prevalence of social media, individuals are constantly exposed to carefully curated glimpses of others’ lives, often highlighting the positive aspects of their relationships. This exposure can exacerbate FOMO, promote unrealistic comparisons, and intensify feelings of inadequacy, leading to dissatisfaction with one’s own relationship.

Recognizing the role of FOMO and social media’s influence is the first step in proactively addressing its impact on your relationships and working towards healthier, more satisfying connections.

Comparisons to others

Social media exacerbates FOMO in relationships by enabling constant comparisons to others. 

Social media makes it easy to scroll through curated relationship snapshots and to believe that everyone else is happier, more in love, or experiencing more exciting moments. 

You may see photos and videos of other couples who seem to be having more fun, living more exciting lives, or having more successful relationships.

These comparisons can lead to feelings of inadequacy and the fear that your own relationship is not measuring up to the carefully selected highlights of others. This intensifies FOMO as you may feel like you are missing out on something important or better.

Unrealistic relationship expectations 

Social media often presents a distorted view of relationships. Couples tend to share only the best parts of their lives on social media, presenting an idealized version of their relationship. Thus, we are bombarded with images and videos of couples who are “always” happy, in love, and doing fun things together.

This can create unrealistic expectations of what our own relationships should be like. When our relationships do not meet these expectations, it can lead to feelings of disappointment and FOMO.

If you are continually witnessing these perfectionist portrayals, you may start to expect similar perfection in your own relationships. 

The gap between these expectations and the complexities of real-life relationships can lead to disappointment and heightened FOMO as you strive for an unattainable standard.

Exposure to idealized relationships

Social media exposes us to countless idealized relationships, perpetuating the belief that we are missing out on a superior level of love and happiness. 

Seeing couples who are apparently always perfectly dressed, have “perfect” bodies, and seemingly never have any problems can make us feel like our own relationships are inadequate.

Additionally, among the selected relationship highlights that couples tend to post to social media are their extravagant vacations or lavish dates. The endless stream of romanticized images and heartwarming stories can lead to feelings of inadequacy within one’s own relationship. 

This exposure to apparent perfection often amplifies the fear of missing out on a more fulfilling partnership (perhaps with a different partner).

Increased pressure to “keep up”

The pressure to “keep up” with relationship trends and milestones on social media contributes to relationship FOMO. Social media can create pressure to keep up with other couples. 

You may feel like you need to post about your own relationship to appear happy and successful. This can lead to oversharing and feeling obligated to constantly prove your relationship’s success to your online audience.

Platforms like Facebook and Instagram can create an environment where couples feel obligated to showcase their love in particular ways, like posting extravagant date nights or lavish vacations. 

When individuals believe they are not living up to these expectations, it can lead to unnecessary stress and a persistent fear of falling behind.

Lack of boundaries

Many people lack boundaries when it comes to sharing intimate relationship details on social media. 

Those observing people oversharing on public platforms may feel compelled to do the same or may perceive their own relationship negatively in comparison. 

Additionally, if one partner in a relationship excessively shares personal details or intimate moments on social media, it can create discomfort and insecurity in both individuals. This can invade privacy, raise questions about their motivations and priorities, and create pressure to conform to the idealized image they have portrayed. 

Both partners may experience FOMO, with one fearing the loss of external validation and attention while the other fears missing out on meaningful private moments. 

Furthermore, social media can make you feel like you need to be constantly available to your partner online, even when you are spending time together in person.

Constant exposure to relationship updates 

Social media provides a continuous stream of relationship updates, making it challenging for individuals to disconnect and focus on their own relationship.  

The constant barrage of couples sharing their moments of joy and togetherness can create a heightened sense of missing out on those experiences. For example, if you are constantly seeing posts of engagements, weddings, and baby announcements, you may feel like your relationship is falling behind.

It can feel like you are always being bombarded with reminders of the happiness of others, intensifying the fear that you are not experiencing the same level of contentment in your own relationship.

Overemphasis on external validation

The culture of likes, comments, and shares on social media places an excessive emphasis on external validation. People may feel pressured to display their relationship as perfect to gain approval and validation from their online peers. 

Additionally, individuals may come to rely on likes and comments from others to feel good about themselves and their relationships. This can create a fear of being judged or rejected if they do not get enough positive feedback.

When individuals place too much importance on getting validation through social media, they may experience fear of missing out on the approval, admiration, and likes that others seem to effortlessly accumulate. This FOMO can occur if their relationship does not receive the same level of attention or approval from others online.

Overcoming FOMO for more Satisfying Relationships

Limit social media use

Limiting your social media use is one of the best ways to reduce FOMO in your relationship. 

When you spend less time on social media, you are less exposed to the highlight reels of other people’s lives. This can help you to focus on your own relationship and appreciate what you have.

Research suggests that setting limits on social media consumption can help reduce the negative impact on couples’ well-being. One study found that excessive screen time, including social media, is associated with lower psychological well-being among adolescents (Twenge & Campbell, 2018). 

By limiting the time spent on social media, couples can create a healthier balance and reduce the likelihood of FOMO.

Remember, you are only seeing certain parts of others’ relationships

It is crucial to remember that what we see on social media is often a curated and idealized version of other peoples’ relationships. 

People tend to post about their best moments and accomplishments, and they often avoid sharing their struggles or challenges. This can lead us to believe that other people’s relationships are perfect, when in reality, all relationships have their ups and downs.

A study that analyzed a survey of 736 college students highlights how individuals tend to present the best parts of their lives on social media (Tandoc, Ferrucci, & Duffy, 2015). This selective self-presentation can lead to unrealistic comparisons and feelings of inadequacy. 

Remembering that social media offers only a partial view can help couples put their own relationship in perspective and reduce FOMO.

Discuss insecurities with your partner

If you are feeling insecure about your relationship, it is important to talk to your partner. Communicating openly and honestly with your partner about your insecurities and concerns can help you combat relationship FOMO. 

Your partner might be able to help you to understand your insecurities and develop strategies for coping with them. Talking to your partner about your FOMO can also help them to understand what you are going through and offer support.

Sharing your feelings of FOMO and working together to address them can strengthen your bond and alleviate the negative impact of social media on your relationship.

Emphasize quality time

Focusing on spending quality time with your partner regularly can help counter the effects of FOMO and strengthen your relationship. 

By prioritizing face-to-face interactions and shared experiences, couples can create a stronger connection and reduce the influence of social media-induced FOMO.

Spending quality time together means engaging in meaningful leisure activities as a couple. Couples can spend quality time together by engaging in shared hobbies, taking leisurely walks, cooking together, or having meaningful conversations without distractions.

When you are spending time together, focus on being present and connecting with each other. Avoid distractions, such as your phones or other screens.

Curate your social media feed

Curating your social media feed to include content that makes you feel positive can make a significant difference. 

This involves unfollowing or muting accounts that make you feel bad about yourself or your relationship. Instead of following accounts that trigger your jealousy or insecurities, follow ones that make you feel happy and inspired.

A critical review of various research studies discusses how passively scrolling through Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and other sites exacerbates social comparisons and envy. Conversely, actively managing your social media use and content exposure can lead to improved well-being by enhancing feelings of social connectedness (Verduyn et al., 2017).

By following accounts that inspire, educate, and reflect real-life experiences, you can minimize the impact of idealized relationships and reduce FOMO.

Set realistic relationship goals that suit you

Collaborate to establish personalized relationship goals that align with your relationship’s unique dynamics. This involves understanding each other’s needs, priorities, and aspirations and finding common ground to create a shared vision for the future. 

Furthermore, consistently remind yourself that it is okay to not be on the same path as other couples. Focus on what works best for you and your partner.

For example:

• If you both love traveling or adventure, set a goal to explore a new destination each year, allowing you to bond while satisfying your wanderlust.
• Define relationship milestones that align with your unique journey, like celebrating the anniversary of your first date or the day you moved in together.
• Set goals to maintain intimacy and keep the romantic spark alive (e.g., planning romantic getaways, experimenting with new experiences, or expressing your love and affection).

Develop offline hobbies and interests together

Developing offline hobbies as a couple not only reduces your reliance on social media but adds excitement and variety to your relationship. It is an opportunity to create lasting memories and strengthen your connection.

Ways to develop shared hobbies/interests:

• Identify activities that you both enjoy or are willing to explore together.
• Try new activities that you both find intriguing, like hiking, painting, cooking, dancing, or sports.
• Set achievable goals such as completing a hiking trail, cooking a new cuisine, or mastering a dance routine. 
• Allocate specific times for your shared hobbies in your schedules. This ensures that you prioritize these activities and make time for them regularly.
• Encourage and support one another. Be patient and understanding if one person takes longer to learn or excel in an activity.
• Acknowledge your accomplishments and celebrate milestones (e.g., a special meal after reaching a goal).
• Consider involving friends or joining clubs related to your hobbies. It can expand your social circle and make the experience even more enjoyable.
• As your relationship grows, your hobbies and interests may evolve. Be adaptable and open to exploring new activities together.

While it is great to have shared hobbies, respect each other’s individual interests, too. It is healthy to have personal pursuits alongside your joint activities.

How To Deal With Feelings of FOMO in Your Life

To combat FOMO, Kristen Fuller (2018) suggested that social media users embrace JOMO (the joy of missing out).

JOMO is the ‘emotionally intelligent antidote to FOMO and is essentially about being present and being content with where you are in life.’ This can enable people to:

• Escape the fast-paced world of social media

• Remain more mindful of important human relationships

• Reclaim the time otherwise spent on social media

• Embrace time away from social media

• Find solace in their own lives

Below are some of the ways in which to minimize FOMO and find more joy in missing out:

Limit social media time

If you find that spending too much time on social media triggers a feeling of FOMO, it may be useful to cut back on the time you spend on this. 

Alternatively, it may be useful to remove or unfollow people who appear to brag too much or elevate your FOMO.

Instead, you can try following realistic people and accounts who spread positivity and uplifting messages. This all depends on what triggers the FOMO in each person. Essentially, try to find people or accounts that make you feel good about yourself.

Focus on private appreciation

Writing about things that bring you joy in a journal, for instance, can shift from focusing on public approval to private appreciation.

This may help you from focusing too much on what others have and break the cycle of seeking validation from others.

A journal is personal and only needs to be read by yourself, so you do not need to write in a way to impress others.

Focus on gratitude

It can be really beneficial to try to appreciate what you already have in life, such as a home, health, or family for instance.

It can be good for mental health to be thankful for everything you have already accomplished in life and the people in your life. With gratitude, you may be less tempted to seek out what others have on social media.

Slow down

When experiencing FOMO, we may move at a faster pace than we really need to, and this may not always benefit us. It might be helpful to practice taking your time with activities to allow yourself to appreciate the experience.

Practicing mindfulness is a good way of slowing down. This includes taking the time to focus on yourself, what you are feeling, and what you are doing in the present moment.

This could be as simple as taking the time to make a cup of tea or eating slowly to appreciate the taste and texture of food.

When feeling FOMO, stopping to take a few deep breaths before carrying on with your day can also help calm your mind down and help you think clearly.

Eliminate unhelpful things

This can involve removing some things from life that bring no joy or add no meaning or quality to life.

Having more things does not necessarily mean that you have more joy in your life. Sometimes, having fewer things but of higher importance or meaning brings the most joy.

This may even involve ending friendships with people who do not bring joy into your life. For example, if you have a toxic friend who is always boasting about how great their life is compared to yours, you could consider letting this friendship end.

Focus on experience over symbol or status

It can be useful to think about the reason why you do certain things: is it to appear impressive to others or for your own enjoyment?

If you are booking a vacation simply so you can upload photos to your social media account, you may be going on vacation for the wrong reasons. You may spend the whole time trying to get the ‘perfect’ photo to show your followers without really appreciating where you are.

Instead, try to focus on the experience and the feelings of accomplishment, connection, or fun that comes with experiences, rather than focusing on trying to elevate your social status or on things that may only bring temporary pleasure.

Be willing to not have it all

The problem is that we may think we have all we have ever wanted but then find something else we may want anyway. Desires can be endless, and it is sometimes better to accept that you cannot have everything.

Indulging in all our impulses for instant gratification may only lead to wanting more and never being satisfied.

Sometimes, learning to say no to more things can provide you with more time to devote to experiences that are more deeply rewarding to you.

One thing at a time

Although we may believe we are good at multitasking, it may be better to focus all our attention on one thing at a time until completion than trying to complete many things at once.

It can become overwhelming to try to complete many tasks at once, and the quality may be poorer in the end compared with putting all your effort into completing one thing at a time.

When focused on a single task, with full attention given, you are more likely to succeed and produce higher-quality results.

FAQs

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