How To Deal With A Gaslighting Spouse

Dealing with a gaslighting spouse can be challenging and emotionally draining. It often requires a bidirectional approach in which the victim addresses the behavior directly while also developing their own psychological and emotional coping mechanisms.

A man yelling at a woman who has her head in her hands

In this article, we will discuss some steps you can consider when dealing with a gaslighting spouse.

First, it is important to note that changing someone else’s behavior, especially if they’re engaging in manipulative tactics, can be challenging. Be sure to prioritize your own well-being and safety throughout this process.

How Can You Tell If You Are Being Gaslit By Your Spouse?

Gaslighting can be subtle and insidious, making it challenging to recognize when you’re experiencing it. However, there are certain signs that can help you identify if you’re being gaslit by your spouse.

Pay attention to how you feel when you are around them. If you feel confused, uncertain, or disoriented after conversations with your spouse or if you consistently find yourself doubting your own memory, perception, or judgment after interactions with them, it is likely you are the victim of gaslighting.

Some behaviors to look out for include:

Lying, withholding information, or providing vague answers, leaving you feeling uncertain about the situation.
Questioning your memory and perceptions, making you doubt your own worth and capabilities.
Denying saying or doing things that you distinctly remember them saying or doing.
Discounting or minimizing your feelings, reactions, or experiences, making you feel like you’re overreacting or being overly sensitive.
Shifting blame when you bring up concerns or issues in the relationship.
Accusing you of the very behavior they’re engaging in.
Isolating you from friends and family.

Gaslighting is typical in romantic relationships where there is a cycle of abusive and affectionate behaviors. Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic commonly used by abusers to maintain control and power over their victims.

In many abusive relationships, there is a cyclical pattern where the abuser alternates between periods of affection, charm, and seemingly loving behavior, and then shifts to periods of manipulation, control, and abuse.

The first stage is often the “love-bombing” phase where the abuser showers the victim with excessive affection, attention, and gifts. This is designed to create a strong emotional bond and dependency on the part of the victim.

However, once the victim develops a sense of attachment to the abuser, the manipulative and abusive behaviors start to emerge. Gaslighting often comes into play during these abusive phases.

The abuser uses gaslighting tactics to undermine the victim’s sense of reality, causing them to doubt their own perceptions, memory, and sanity. This manipulation makes it easier for the abuser to maintain power and control and avoid accountability for their actions.

Gaslighting within a cycle of abusive and affectionate behaviors can lead to confusion, anxiety, low self-esteem, and a sense of helplessness.

If you recognize these signs in your relationship, it’s important to trust your instincts. Be mindful of your emotions, thoughts, and triggers because this self-awareness can help you recognize when you’re being gaslit and empower you to respond appropriately.

If the gaslighting continues or escalates despite your efforts, you may need to reassess the situation and consider taking further steps to protect yourself.

Phrases That A Gaslighting Spouse Uses

Gaslighting can often be identified by the language and phrases that the perpetrator uses. The phrases used by a gaslighting spouse are designed to manipulate your perception of reality and make you doubt yourself.

Below are examples of phrases used in different types of gaslighting:

Stonewalling: shutting down a conversation and refusing to engage

“I️ don’t want to talk about that right now.”
“Can we not get into this today.”

Countering: challenging your version of events or providing false information to make you question yourself

“You’re just imagining things.”
“You’re crazy if you think that happened.”
“You must have misunderstood what I said.”

Blocking/Diverting: changing the topic of conversation or redirecting the conversation away from the issue at hand

“You always bring up the past. Why can’t we move on?”
“You’re just trying to start an argument. Let’s not ruin our day.”
“Why are you making this about me? You need to work on your issues.”

Trivializing: downplaying or belittling the significance of your feelings, experiences, or concerns

“Why are you making such a big deal out of this? It’s not that important.”
“You’re always overreacting to everything.”
“I don’t see why this bothers you so much.”

Denying: denying something they clearly said to make you question your memory and make you feel like you’re making things up

“I️ never said that.”
“You are making things up again.”
“You never remember things correctly.”

What To Do When Your Spouse Is Gaslighting You

Gaslighting can be subtle, so you might not immediately notice it happening in your relationship. Thus, it is important to learn about gaslighting and manipulation tactics to better understand when you might be experiencing it.

If you see a pattern emerging and you find yourself doubting your reality, trust your instincts and remain confident in your perception. Gaslighters thrive on making you question yourself, so recognizing their manipulation is the first step.

Psychologists generally advise that you should not engage with a gaslighter, but rather you should set ultimatums and consider leaving the relationship if necessary.

When it comes to marriage, however, avoiding your spouse or leaving the relationship might not be practical or possible. Therefore, it is helpful to know how you can manage gaslighting in your relationship.

Challenge Their Behavior But Do Not Argue

Challenging the behavior of a gaslighting spouse without engaging in a heated argument can be an effective approach. When you recognize gaslighting in action, calmly point out inconsistencies, challenge their behaviors, or provide evidence that counters their claims.

Let them know that gaslighting and manipulation are unacceptable behaviors and that you won’t tolerate them.

Gaslighters thrive on provoking emotional reactions from others, so stay calm and composed during interactions.

When you challenge their behavior without escalating into a confrontation, you maintain your own emotional well-being and avoid giving the gaslighter the emotional reaction they might be seeking.

Stay Grounded in Reality

If you begin to doubt yourself and your reality, the gaslighter is able to control your memories and emotions by making you believe their narrative.

Thus, it is critical to remind yourself of your experiences, feelings, and memories. Trust your own perceptions and don’t let the gaslighter make you doubt yourself.

It can be helpful to document incidents, conversations, and any evidence that supports your version of events. This can help you validate your experiences and maintain clarity.

What you feel is subjective and no one can tell you that your emotions are not valid. If your partner says “You never remember things correctly” or “I can’t believe you’re making such a big deal out of this,” you can respond confidently.

Here are some suggestions for how you can respond to gaslighting:

“I trust my memory and feelings, and they’re important to me.”
“I remember things differently, and that’s valid for me.”
“I understand that you may have a different perspective, but I’m sharing how I feel about the situation.”
“I’d appreciate it if we could address this matter respectfully and find a solution together.”

Focus on Resolution

Instead of trying to expose the gaslighter or prove them wrong, focus on finding solutions and improving communication to prevent similar situations in the future.

If you attempt to “win” the argument, your partner will likely gaslight you further by denying, deflecting, or minimizing.

If the conversation becomes heated or unproductive, practice deep breathing and mindfulness techniques to stay grounded and avoid getting swept up in the gaslighter’s tactics. You can also calmly suggest taking a break and revisiting the topic later when both parties are calmer.

Set Boundaries And Stick To Them

Clearly communicate your boundaries to your spouse. Let them know you won’t tolerate manipulation or gaslighting tactics in the relationship.

Setting boundaries will enable you to take back control. However, be mindful of the fact that the gaslighter may attempt to break down or test your boundaries. Thus, it is important to remain firm and consistent.

Consider the following

Which behaviors will you tolerate and which will you not tolerate?
What behaviors cross your boundary?
How will you respond to your boundaries being violated? For example, will you remove yourself from the situation? Or will you set ultimatums for the long-term viability of the relationship?

Assertive communication is part of healthy boundary setting. You must express your feelings and opinions clearly and directly while remaining calm and respectful.

Seek Support From People You Trust

Talk to trusted friends, family members, or a therapist about what you’re experiencing.

Sharing what is happening in your relationship with friends or family can help you process your emotions. Having a support network can provide validation, perspective, and emotional comfort.

This will help you to stand firm in what you know and protect you from any psychological and emotional manipulation.

Seek Professional Help

If the gaslighting continues and affects your mental health, consider seeking therapy. A therapist or other mental health professional can offer an objective view of your relationship and your spouse’s behavior.

They can provide guidance, allow you to process your emotion, provide validation for your experience, and give you strategies for coping with the situation.

If your spouse is open to it, couples therapy can also help address the underlying issues in the relationship. A trained therapist can facilitate communication and provide insights.

Leave The Gaslighter

If the gaslighting persists and negatively affects your well-being, it might be necessary to leave the relationship. Gaslighting tends to make victims feel diminished and insecure, which can make leaving more difficult.

You may have been told by the gaslighter that you cannot manage without them.

However, if the gaslighting turns abusive or escalates, you must prioritize your safety.

In a recent study on the effects of gaslighting in romantic relationships, participants described their experiences and what helped them to recover.

For many victims, ending the relationship and spending time with their loved ones gave them the most immediate relief from the effects of gaslighting.

If you do decide to leave, having a support system in place and focusing on activities that promote your emotional well-being will help you stay grounded.

Do Gaslighters Know They Are Gaslighting?

Gaslighters can have varying levels of awareness of their manipulative behavior.

In many cases, individuals who engage in gaslighting tactics are fully aware of what they’re doing and intentionally use manipulation to control and undermine others.

Some individuals may not explicitly recognize their actions as “gaslighting,” but they consciously use manipulation to maintain control or avoid accountability.

In some cases, individuals might engage in gaslighting behaviors without fully understanding the extent of their manipulation. They may have learned these tactics from their upbringing, past experiences, or societal influences, which normalizes their behavior.

It’s important to note that while intent matters, the impact of gaslighting on the target’s well-being is significant regardless of the gaslighter’s awareness level.

This is why it is important to take action by focusing on your own well-being, setting boundaries, and seeking support from trusted individuals.

Frequently Asked Questions

How Can a Relationship Heal From Gaslighting?

Healing a relationship that has been affected by gaslighting can be a challenging process. However, with commitment, communication, and effort from both parties, it is possible.

Unless the gaslighter has a serious desire and commitment to work on the relationship and themself, it is unlikely that a relationship will be able to heal. If the gaslighter is unwilling to change, or if the emotional damage is too severe, it might be necessary to consider whether the relationship is healthy and sustainable in the long run.

But, if the partner acknowledges their manipulative tactics, is willing to listen to the other’s perspective, and expresses genuine remorse, it is possible for a relationship to heal and grow.

Can You Stay in a Relationship With a Gaslighting Spouse?

Whether you choose to stay in a relationship with a gaslighting spouse is a complex and deeply personal decision.

If the gaslighting behavior turns into emotional, verbal, or physical abuse, your safety should be the top priority. Generally, it is advised to leave an abusive relationship as the emotional and psychological consequences can be severe.

Consider whether your spouse is willing to acknowledge their gaslighting behavior, take responsibility for it, and commit to making positive changes. If they are not genuinely willing to change, the relationship likely does not have the potential to grow stronger and healthier over time.

Your mental health and safety should be the top priority. And if you have children, their well-being and exposure to a potentially toxic environment should also be taken into account.

Ultimately, your own happiness and fulfillment matter. If the relationship consistently brings you more pain than joy, it might be worth considering alternatives.

What is Unintentional Gaslighting?

Unintentional gaslighting refers to a situation where a person unknowingly engages in gaslighting behavior without the explicit intention to manipulate or control another person’s perception of reality.

Most people have likely engaged in unintentional gaslighting at some point. For example, telling your friend or partner, “Are you sure that’s what happened? I remember it differently” or “Do you think you are just overreacting?” is considered gaslighting.

In these cases, the person may not be fully aware of the impact of their words and actions on the other person’s emotions and sense of reality.

It’s important to address unintentional gaslighting with empathy and open communication because although it is unintentional, the victim will likely still experience confusion and distress.

What Happens When You Expose a Gaslighter?

Gaslighters are motivated to stay in control and avoid accountability. By confronting or exposing them, you are questioning their superiority and taking away the control they crave.

When you confront a gaslighter, their response might not always lead to positive change. They might deny their behaviors, deflect blame onto you, become defensive, or intensify their manipulation tactics.

In more extreme cases, they might become verbally or physically aggressive. When exposing a gaslighter, it is important to stay calm, set boundaries, be prepared for their reaction, and prioritize your safety. You can read more on exposing a gaslighter in this article.

Sources

Klein, W.B., Wood, S. & Li, S (2022). A Qualitative Analysis of Gaslighting in Romantic Relationships. Preprint from PsyArXiv.

Petric, D. (2018). Gaslighting and the knot theory of mind. Research Gate.

Sweet, P. L. (2019). The Sociology of Gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851–875.