Overthinking means thinking about and analyzing your relationships and partner’s (or family/friends) behavior in a more destructive than helpful way.
Maybe your partner didn’t call when they said they would, and you end up convincing yourself that they’re with someone else or something terrible has happened to them.
Or maybe they said something offhandedly, and now you can’t stop analyzing how they meant it and why they would say such a thing.
You might worry about something you did or said and spend hours reviewing it repeatedly.
The result is that you feel anxious, stressed, or sad, and can’t find any peace of mind. It reinforces negative thinking patterns and has detrimental consequences for your mental health and relationships.
In other words, overthinking is bad for you and your relationships. But the good news is that you can break the cycle and reduce your tendency to overthink in relationships – it just takes some time and effort.
Overthinking is the result of anxiety and negative thinking patterns. Therefore, reducing your tendency to overthink in relationships should involve strategies that regulate your nervous system and address negative thinking patterns.
Strategy 1: Gain Awareness Into Why You Overthink
Anxiety has the purpose of keeping you safe from harm. When you face a threat, your internal alarm system (sympathetic nervous system) goes off, and you go into fight/flight/freeze mode, which could save your life.
Whatever has happened is registered in your brain as a threat and sets off this alarm system, which you experience as anxiety. To try and reduce the anxiety, your mind thinks of various explanations, and attempts to predict what will happen (this is the overthinking part).
The alarm system in your mind thinks negatively – it always sees things from the worst possible perspective because if it were an actual threat (like a lion running at you), it would be unwise to think, “Oh, I’m sure it’s fine!”
That’s why, when you’re overthinking, you’re catastrophizing and interpreting other people’s actions through a negative lens.
The scenario you’re over-analyzing is (usually) not an actual threat, it’s your mind that’s interpreting whatever has happened or been said as a threat – it’s not rooted in reality but your own mind.
It could be because your overall anxiety levels are high, or your nervous system is constantly on high alert in relationships because of an anxious attachment style or negative past experiences.
The key is realizing overthinking is an unhealthy coping mechanism. By identifying the emotional roots behind it and learning new coping tools, you can reduce relationship anxiety and overthinking.
- Gain awareness of why you overthink: Ask yourself questions to understand the root emotions, thoughts, and coping behaviors driving your overthinking. Common reasons are using overthinking to cope with anxiety, trying to control uncontrollable events, and insecurity from past relationship hurts.
The root of relationship overthinking can be an unrelenting need to view your partner or relationship as perfect. This obsessive ideal is reinforced by media notions like “the one” meant to completely fulfill your every emotional and spiritual desire. When unrealistic expectations go unmet, relationship overthinking intensifies. Rather than seeking a mythical “one” who sparks intense attraction, focus on compatibility and caring to ease pressures. - Identify what you can and can’t control: Make a list separating things within your control versus your partner’s control. Take ownership of managing your own feelings rather than trying to control your partner’s actions.
- Address past relationship hurts: Overthinking often stems from pain and abandonment issues in previous relationships. But trying to over control your current relationship can backfire. Seek to resolve the root insecurities fueling your overthinking. Learning about your attachment style can be useful here.
Strategy 2: Learn to Regulate Your Emotions
The following techniques are things you can (and should) practice regularly and consistently to reduce your overall anxiety levels. When your overall anxiety levels are lower, you’re less likely to overthink.
But you can also use these techniques the moment you’re feeling anxious and your thoughts are spinning out of control.
Practice Breathing Techniques
The breath and nervous system are intricately linked – when you’re anxious, your breathing becomes more rapid, and when your breathing is rapid and shallow, you feel more anxious.
So, when you work with your breath regularly and consistently, you will notice a difference.
There are many free online courses and apps that teach you different breathing techniques, but here are a couple of exercises to get you started.
Quick tip: if you want to breathe more deeply, don’t focus on the inhale – focus on the exhale. When you’ve pushed out all the air as you exhale, you make space for a deeper inhalation.
Grounding Technique
The 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique is a simple coping strategy used to manage overwhelming feelings like anxiety. To use it, take in your surroundings and name:
5 things you see 4 things you feel (like the chair you’re sitting in) 3 things you hear 2 things you smell 1 good thing about yourself
Going through this process directs your focus outward, grounds you in the present moment, and shifts negative thoughts. The technique taps into multiple senses to relieve distress. It can center and calm both the mind and body when emotions become intense.
Try Shaking
Shaking is a technique from the Kundalini yoga tradition (among others) that I personally find very helpful.
Have you ever wondered why animals shake themselves? They do it to release tension and reset their nervous system. So seeing as we’re animals too, why wouldn’t it work for us?
In the Kundalini tradition, there are four stages, the first one being shaking – you can practice all four, but the shaking alone can be enough.
Here are the instructions.
Other Grounding Techniques
Yoga and meditation are very popular and effective techniques to reduce anxiety and overthinking.
They integrate body, breath, and mind and thereby ground you in the present moment. When you’re fully grounded in the present moment, your mind and thoughts aren’t spiraling, and you’re not worrying about the future or the past.
Although they’re often adapted to suit a secular audience, they are traditionally spiritual practices so they might not be everyone’s preference.
There are other grounding techniques you can use as well, such as:
- Drink a hot, soothing drink like herbal tea (avoid caffeinated drinks because they can sometimes increase anxiety)
- Put an ice cube in your mouth, hold it in your hand, or press it against your inner wrist until it melts
- Stand up straight and feel your feet on the ground, pull each toe up, and then press it down into the ground. If you like, you can imagine you’re a tree, rooting into the ground and growing tall up into the sky.
- Go for a mindful walk in nature and examine the textures and colors around you. Feel things and use your senses to notice what’s around you. If you don’t want to go outside, you can also do this at home with any object of your choice.
Progressive Muscle Relaxation
Progressive muscle relaxation (PMR) is a stress and anxiety management technique that involves systematically tensing and relaxing different muscle groups in the body.
- To begin, find a quiet space and get into a comfortable position. Starting with your feet, tightly tense those muscles for 5-10 seconds, paying close attention to the tension.
- Then relax the feet, noticing the contrast between tension and relaxation.
- Continue progressing up the body, tensing and relaxing each muscle group, including legs, abdomen, back, hands, arms, shoulders, neck, and face.
- Finish by scanning the body for any residual tension. Done regularly, PMR teaches the body to respond to stress with relaxation.
Strategy 3: Share With Your Partner
It’s understandable to have worries or insecurities arise in a relationship that can lead to overthinking.
I would advise trying to openly communicate with your partner when you notice those thoughts spiraling. Bottling up anxieties or making assumptions about what your significant other is thinking often does more harm than good.
Instead, make an appointment to sit down with your partner to candidly share the feelings and observations you’ve been ruminating over. Explain how certain behaviors made you question things or feel insecure. Speaking worries out loud can help diffuse unhelpful thought patterns and lift that mental burden.
Make space to truly listen to your partner’s perspective, reactions, and reassurances without judgment. Getting their take can provide the alternative viewpoint needed to quiet self-critical narratives. Observe if this conversation leaves you feeling heard, understood, and secure versus defensive or alarmed.
That feedback helps assess whether communication patterns in your relationship need improvement or if individual self-work could help manage expectations.
The goal is to short-circuit the endless overthinking cycle by vocalizing fears and gaining clarity through discussion. Avoiding mind reading about what your partner might say allows their actual words to replace assumption-based stories.
With open and empathetic two-way conversation, overthinking matters often resolve, or at minimum, become less charged.
Strategy 4: Address Negative Thinking Patterns
To stop overthinking in relationships, it’s important to address the thinking patterns that are leading you down those spirals.
The brain always takes the road most traveled, so if you’re used to thinking negatively, that’s the way your brain will automatically go.
That means it takes an active approach to intercept the negativity and take on a more positive outlook – when you’re in a more positive frame of mind, your anxiety is low, and overthinking is reduced.
It takes time to retrain the brain; you must be patient and have compassion for yourself. You’ll have days when it’s much easier, and then there’ll be days when you overthink – don’t give up and keep trying.
You can do a lot of the work on your own, but it can be helpful to get the help of a professionally trained therapist to speed up the process.
So, when you find yourself in the grips of over-analysis and spiraling thoughts, try any or all of the following:
Self-Acceptance
Self-improvement practices, such as the ones I’m sharing in this article, are an important part of growth and reducing your tendency to overthink. But self-acceptance is just as important.
Self-acceptance means you accept and love yourself exactly the way you are with all your flaws, shortcomings, fears, and insecurities. Accepting yourself means you understand that your worth doesn’t depend on anything – your worth is intrinsic and can’t be taken or given.
Practicing affirmations can be helpful. Affirmations are statements you regularly repeat several times. For example, you might repeat the following statements 5 times once a day (silently or out loud):
“I am worthy of love.”
“I am enough.”
“I deserve happiness.”
“I love each part of myself.”
You can also create your own affirmations depending on your needs.
Let It All Out
As the saying goes, “A problem shared, is a problem halved”.
If there’s someone in your life who you can speak to about your concerns, do that. Call them up, ask whether they can listen to you for 5 minutes, and then let all the anxious thoughts run free.
If you don’t want to speak to a person about it, get yourself a journal and let your anxiety out on a page. When you write, no one is judging or correcting you, and that allows you to write exactly what you feel, regardless of how silly you might feel it is.
When you keep those thoughts in your head, there’s nowhere for them to go and they just keep going round and round – put a stop to that by speaking or writing about them.
Distract Yourself
Why are you focusing all your energy on someone else when you could be doing something that makes you happy?
Do something fun or creative or go out with your friends – find a healthy activity that you can get absorbed in. I say healthy because going out drinking and partying to distract yourself might seem like a good idea in the moment, but it will only make things worse in the long run.
Healthy distractions include things like drawing, painting, writing, tending to plants, exercising, going for a walk, calling a good friend, or anything else that you enjoy.
Focus on your well-being and what you like and want to do.
Practice Positive What-ifs
What if he had an accident? What if she’s with another guy? What if he doesn’t like me anymore? What if they leave me?
These are negative what-ifs that are often part of overthinking and can lead you down a spiral.
Practicing positive what-ifs allows you to consider other possible explanations for another person’s behavior or words.
For example, what if he didn’t call because he was stuck at work? What if she didn’t mean it the way it sounds? What if he’s acting distant because something bad happened at work (i.e., it has nothing to do with me)? What if they mean it when they say they love me?
Practicing this way of thinking can break the cycle of negativity and help you to see other explanations. If you judge another person’s behavior and intentions more positively, there’s less room for overthinking.
Focus on the Positives
It’s cliché, but that’s the most effective way to stop overthinking – initially, you have to force your brain to think more positively until positivity becomes automatic.
It’s not realistic or necessary to be positive about everything all the time. Anxiety and cynicism have their purposes. However, if negative thinking patterns are affecting your quality of life and your mental health keeps deteriorating, it’s time to act.
I challenge you to practice these four things every single day for 100 days (I’ve done it, and it’s made a huge difference):
- 4 affirmations repeated 5 times
- 3 things you’re grateful for
- 2 things to celebrate
- 1 thing you’re looking forward to.
- 1 (or more) grounding technique (breathing, shaking, mindfulness, etc. – see above)
These can be small things like “I’m looking forward to eating Ramen tonight.” Or “I’m grateful for my toes.” Or “Today, I celebrate that I got out of bed an hour earlier than usual.”
It’ll only take 15-30 minutes, depending on the grounding technique you choose.
As they say, it’s the small things in life that count. Every small step in the right direction will eventually lead you to your goal.
