What constitutes cheating seems to depend on people’s interpretation, but it always features a breach of trust. Cheating can be physical, emotional, digital, or a combination of all three.
Infidelity or cheating on your partner is common, but again, the exact rate of infidelity depends on the interpretation of what constitutes cheating, and thus ranges between 26% – 75%.
What is Cheating?
Cheating in the context of relationships is “to have a secret sexual relationship with someone who is not your husband, wife, or usual sexual partner.”
So cheating is something you do behind your partner’s back, something you know you shouldn’t do and therefore keep a secret.
Although the definition of cheating is quite straightforward, some people bend the definition to suit their needs.
Some believe having one-night stands doesn’t constitute cheating, and some think it’s not cheating if you wear a condom. But if that’s the case, why not tell your partner about it?
Others feel cheated when their partner gives someone else too much attention. Thus, what you define as cheating also depends on your level of security.
In other words, if you see your partner talking to someone else at the bar and assume they’re cheating, does that reflect the truth or your insecurity?
According to the above and many people’s definition of cheating, it must involve a sexual component.
However, emotional cheating or “an affair of the heart” can be just as damaging and hurtful to the relationship and your partner.
What’s more is that the definition of cheating keeps expanding with the development of technology – for example, “sexting”, watching porn, and sending nudes are newer forms of cheating (although some people might not consider these cheating at all).
At the heart of cheating is engaging with another person behind your partner’s back, breaking their trust, and knowing that what you’re doing would cause your partner pain if they found out.
If you’re hiding your interactions with another person from your partner, you’re probably cheating or close to it.
Physical Cheating
When people think about what cheating is, most often, they think of physical cheating or their partner having sexual relations with another person.
While sex with someone else is clearly cheating, physical infidelity has gray areas around affectionate behaviors like holding hands or kissing. More than just the act itself, the motives and circumstances around a partner’s behavior contribute to defining a physical affair.
For people in monogamous relationships, the physical line is quite rigid: sexual contact of any kind with a person outside of the relationship is considered cheating.
Although the line in polyamorous or non-monogamous relationships is more fluid, people in these relationship constructs may still cheat. For example, they may have a rule regarding the kinds of sexual acts they’re allowed to do with another person. When this line is crossed, it might be considered cheating or at least a breaking of rules and trust.
Examples of physical cheating include:
- Having sex or making out with someone else
- Dancing with another person in a sexual way
- Touching that suggests sexual interest and intent
- Paid sex and erotic massages
- Breaking the rules around physical interactions in non-monogamous relationships
Emotional Cheating
Emotional infidelity means forming a close emotional bond with someone other than your partner, diverting intimacy that would otherwise go to your relationship.
It often develops innocently with a friend or colleague. While outside friendships are healthy, emotional infidelity happens when the emotional support and closeness once reserved for your partner shifts to someone else.
Therapist Jenna Nielsen defined emotional cheating as “Getting emotional support from another individual or sharing an intimate emotional connection that is more than a friendship. People who emotionally cheat feel “guilty” or like they are “betraying” their current partner. This usually is due to something missing in the current relationship and not necessarily that the relationship is broken.”
Olivia emotionally cheated on her partner, “It felt like cheating because I let them in in a way that felt unfaithful. I was indulging in their attention and although I didn’t cross the physical line, I knew my partner wouldn’t like it – I hid it from her and that’s what made it cheating.”
While friendships are healthy, frequent communication that feels too intimate or makes you want to hide it from your partner can indicate emotional cheating.
Examples of emotional cheating include:
- Sharing your inner world (your thoughts, feelings, fears, etc.) with someone else while closing off to your partner
- Acting like you’re in a relationship with someone, just without the physical side
- Having strong emotions for someone else and letting them know (i.e., acting on it)
- Hiding a relationship from your partner because you feel guilty or are worried about what they might think
#inappropriate communication like excessive, hidden texts, calls or social media contact with someone outside the relationship
Virtual Cheating (Inappropriate Communication)
Cheating via social media or any other online platform or medium probably falls within the realm of emotional cheating. Still, it deserves its own category because it’s so prolific in our day and age.
The phrase “Sliding into someone’s DMs” has an undertone of doing something taboo, and many people, regardless of their relationship status, seem to take part.
Contacting someone online to flirt, exchange sexual pictures, or meet up in person can be considered cheating if you don’t tell your partner about it and hide it from them.
For some people, liking other people’s “thirst traps” is considered a form of cheating.
The question is, what is the intention behind someone’s online behavior? And would they like it if their partner acted in the same way?
Examples of virtual cheating include:
- Sending flirtatious messages on social media
- Sexting
- Exchanging nudes
- Spending more time speaking to another person online than your partner
- Having a secret online dating profile
- Sexually and/ or emotionally charged conversations in chat rooms
Levels of Cheating
Not all forms of cheating are equal. Having a full-blown affair over several months is different from having a one-night stand on a drunken night out, though both can be very damaging to a relationship.
“Micro-cheating” describes behaviors that can make you feel jealous and insecure but can’t quite be classified as cheating (although if it exists in your relationship, it wouldn’t be surprising if it does lead to full-blown cheating eventually).
It’s little things like flirting with other people, entertaining someone else’s advances, contacting your ex, or fantasizing about another person a lot.
Their partner watching porn is considered cheating by some people but not by most. Going to strip clubs is considered cheating by many but not all. Some people might have been told “It’s normal” and therefore shouldn’t get upset about it even though it makes them feel uncomfortable.
If your partner’s behavior, no matter how insignificant it may seem, makes you feel insecure and jealous, it might be because they are being unfaithful and deceitful, and you should address that with them.
However, if you’re an insecure person, it might also be good to check in with yourself and see whether the suspicion and distrust are coming from within you and have little to do with your partner’s actual behavior.
Nevertheless, having a conversation with your partner about your insecurities is still a good idea.
Preventing Cheating
To prevent cheating, it’s important to understand why people cheat. There are many reasons, but it usually has to do with desire for excitement, dissatisfaction, selfish goal-pursuit, and/or game-playing.
Relationship expert Esther Perel said in a TED talk, “[When we cheat it] isn’t always our partner we turn away from, but the person that we have ourselves become. And it isn’t so much that we’re looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self.”
When you know why someone has cheated or continues to cheat, it’s easier to address the root cause and it can be an opportunity to reconnect and realign the relationship. However, it could also show you that the only option is to leave the relationship.
The crux of cheating is hiding what you’re doing. If you think what you’re doing is acceptable, there’s no need to hide from your partner.
Even if you think it’s innocent to send flirty messages, you don’t tell your partner about it because you think they would get upset – it’s a potentially damaging secret that you keep consciously.
Nevertheless, because cheating seems to be open to interpretation, it’s important to discuss boundaries with your partner early in the relationship to avoid any confusion.
“A lot of couples never actually discuss with each other what they consider cheating, for example, is a kiss cheating, is certain texting/messaging conversation cheating, are strip clubs cheating, watching porn, etc. With this said, effective communication can help prevent cheating” as therapist Jenna Nielsen put it.
She added, “Rebuilding trust and having a healthy relationship after someone cheats physically or emotionally can be very tough unless both parties are 100% committed to making change.
It usually takes the help of a professional to work through the different emotions each person is feeling.”
Having ‘the Conversation’ with Your Partner
Having an open and honest conversation with your partner about what you both consider cheating is important for setting clear boundaries in your relationship. Here are some tips for bringing up this sensitive topic:
- Choose an appropriate time. Don’t start the conversation when emotions are already running high or you’re short on time. Make sure you both can have an in-depth discussion without distractions.
- Use “I” statements. Avoid accusatory language and talk about your personal beliefs using phrases like “For me, cheating means…” This will put your partner at ease.
- Ask open-ended questions. Inquire about what your partner considers appropriate and inappropriate behavior in your relationship instead of making assumptions. For example, “How would you feel if I commented on an ex’s social media posts?”
- Listen without judgment. Your partner may have different boundaries than you, and that’s okay. The goal is to understand each other, not convince them you’re right. Listen with empathy.
- Discuss gray areas. Certain behaviors like watching pornography or emotional affairs can be gray areas for some couples. Discuss where you both stand on issues like these.
- Make agreements. Once you understand each other’s boundaries, explicitly agree on what is allowed and what is off-limits in your relationship moving forward.
- Revisit periodically. As time passes, boundaries may shift. Check in every so often to make sure you still align on what constitutes cheating.
Having an open and non-judgmental conversation sets the stage for mutual understanding. While discussing cheating may feel uncomfortable, healthy relationships require vulnerability, communication, and trust. This conversation is one way to build that.
