Narcissism refers to a personality trait marked by an exaggerated sense of self-importance, an intense need for admiration, a lack of empathy for others, and a preoccupation with one’s own needs and desires.
In this context, narcissistic relationships are relationships characterized by the presence of a narcissistic individual who displays pronounced narcissistic traits.
Recognizing a narcissistic relationship involves observing your partner’s actions and how those actions make you feel. Figuring out whether you’re in such a relationship isn’t always straightforward, given that the mistreatment can be subtle and occasionally masked by moments of affection.
However, the dynamic is often imbalanced. The narcissistic individual will seek constant attention, validation, and control, while showing little regard for their partner’s emotional well-being and autonomy.
These behaviors are particularly pronounced when the narcissist’s ego is challenged, or they fear being abandoned or rejected.
Narcissistic relationships can be emotionally draining and psychologically damaging for the partner involved. The constant push-pull, emotional rollercoaster, and manipulation can negatively impact the partner’s self-esteem, mental health, and overall well-being.
Recognizing the signs of a narcissistic relationship and understanding its dynamics is crucial for individuals to protect themselves and make informed decisions about their relationships.
Signs
Cycle of Idealization and Devaluation
At the beginning of the relationship, known as the idealization phase, the narcissistic individual may appear charming and attentive, showering you with affection and admiration.
They will put you on a pedestal and make you feel like you’re the most important person in their world. This is designed to draw you in and create a strong emotional bond.
However, as the relationship progresses, the narcissist’s behavior will shift dramatically, and they may start to criticize, belittle, or even emotionally abuse you. This devaluation can be confusing and hurtful, leaving you wondering what you did wrong to prompt such a change.
The cycle doesn’t usually stop at devaluation. After a period of devaluing, the narcissist might return to the idealization phase, repeating the pattern.
Excessive Self-Centeredness
Narcissists thrive on being the center of attention. They often have an inflated view of their own importance, believing that they are unique, exceptional, and deserving of special treatment.
When interacting with a narcissistic individual, you might notice that conversations tend to revolve around them. They might interrupt or redirect discussions to share their own stories, accomplishments, or opinions, often disregarding what you were saying.
Or, they may engage in attention-seeking behaviors to ensure they’re the center of focus, such as boasting about their achievements, exaggerating their stories to garner more interest, or adopting a flashy and showy demeanor.
Constant Need for Admiration and Validation
Narcissists have an insatiable craving for praise, admiration, and recognition to boost their fragile self-esteem. This need often drives their behaviors and interactions in relationships.
External validation serves as a foundation for their self-worth. They rely heavily on others’ opinions and praise to feel good about themselves, and as a result, they may constantly seek reassurance, compliments, and approval.
Due to their need for constant validation, narcissists may feel entitled to special treatment. They expect others to cater to their desires and accommodate their demands without question.
The need for constant admiration can make narcissists prioritize their own desires over building deep, meaningful connections. Their relationships often revolve around what others can do for them rather than genuine mutual understanding.
Lack of Empathy
Narcissists have a limited capacity for empathy. They struggle to genuinely understand and connect with the emotions and experiences of others, making it challenging for them to consider your feelings, needs, or viewpoints.
They might show little genuine interest in your thoughts, feelings, or experiences, and instead demand constant praise, admiration, and attention for their own accomplishments.
Overly Sensitive to Criticism
While they crave admiration and attention, narcissists are extremely sensitive to criticism.
They may react strongly to any form of feedback that challenges their self-perceived greatness, becoming defensive, dismissive, or even hostile.
Some researchers have theorized that narcissists actually suffer from low self-esteem, which makes them hyper-sensitive to criticism.
As a result, they have an insatiable need for attention and validation to feed their self-esteem and protect their fragile ego.
Others theorize, however, that narcissists do not have low self-esteems, but rather they become defensive when criticized because they truly believe they are perfect and superior to all others.
Manipulating and Controlling Others
Manipulation and control are tactics commonly employed by narcissistic individuals within their relationships to ensure they maintain their dominance and receive the admiration they desire.
They may engage in gaslighting, guilt-tripping, or triangulation, among other tactics, to exploit your emotions and give them greater control over your life.
Narcissists may also use affection and approval as rewards for conforming to their desires. They give you attention when you comply with their wishes but withdraw it when you express independence or disagreement.
Under the influence of a manipulative narcissist, you might feel like you’re losing your sense of self. They may dictate your decisions, preferences, and even aspects of your identity.
Isolation
A narcissist might try to isolate you from friends and family, leaving you more vulnerable and dependent on them for support.
They may try to weaken your connections with friends, family, and other loved ones if they feel threatened by your interactions with them. They might criticize your social circle, make disparaging remarks about your loved ones, or even create conflicts to discourage you from spending time with them.
By isolating you from your support system, the narcissist creates an environment where you become increasingly reliant on them for emotional validation and companionship. They want you to believe that they are the only ones who truly understand and care about you.
The Impact of Narcissism on Relationships
Narcissism can have a profoundly negative impact on relationships, often leading to emotional turmoil and discord.
Narcissists tend to focus primarily on their own needs and desires, neglecting their partner’s feelings and wants. Their goal is not to build a deep connection or to have a long-lasting relationship with the other person, but rather to fulfill their own desires for admiration, control, and validation.
For narcissists, relationships are often transactional in nature. They focus on what they can gain from the relationship, whether it’s social status, material possessions, or emotional validation.
As a result of this goal-oriented approach, relationships with narcissists can be emotionally draining and damaging for their partners.
Partners of narcissists often experience a rollercoaster of emotions due to the pattern of idealization and devaluation. The intense charm, in the beginning, gives way to critical behavior, causing partners to question their worth and destabilizing their emotional well-being. This dynamic erodes trust and creates a sense of unpredictability in the relationship.
The impact of narcissism extends beyond emotional strain, affecting mental health as well.
According to the psychotherapist, Christine Louis de Canonville (2019), the consequences of a narcissistic relationship on the victim may include:
- Avoidance behavior
- Substance misuse
- Loss of emotion
- Feelings of detachment
- Loss of hope
- Difficulties with sleep
- Hypervigilance
- Psychosomatic illnesses (e.g. IBS)
- Self-harm or suicidal ideation
How to Cope with a Narcissistic Partner
Coping with a narcissistic partner can be challenging, but there are strategies you can employ to navigate the situation while prioritizing your well-being.
Most importantly, you must recognize that you cannot change a narcissistic partner’s behavior. You should adjust your expectations and focus on what you can control: your own responses and choices.
It is also important that you stay grounded in reality. Your partner may try to distort reality or gaslight you, but you must trust your own perceptions and rely on friends or professionals to validate your experiences.
“People have to pay close attention to how they feel and instead of doubting how they feel or regretting standing up for themselves.”
Sherrie Campbell, PhD, author of Adult Survivors of Toxic Family Members
Here are some other steps to consider:
Limit Emotional Reactions
One coping strategy is to minimize your interactions and emotional investment in order to protect yourself from the manipulation and emotional turmoil that often come with dealing with a narcissist.
You can adopt the “gray rock” technique, which involves becoming as emotionally neutral and uninterested as possible. Narcissists often thrive on eliciting strong emotions from you.
So, by remaining calm and composed, even when they try to provoke or upset you, you reduce their incentive to manipulate.
Stick to factual and neutral communication and avoid getting drawn into their emotional games. Recognize that engaging in arguments rarely leads to resolution so choose your battles wisely and disengage altogether if necessary.
Set Boundaries
Make sure to establish clear boundaries with your partner and communicate them assertively. They will likely test these boundaries, but maintaining them is crucial for your emotional health.
Seek Support
Seeking support from friends, family members, or professionals can be immensely beneficial.
Individual therapy or counseling can provide you with tools to cope with the emotional challenges of the relationship and help you make decisions that prioritize your well-being.
Additionally, surrounding yourself with a network of understanding individuals can help you feel less isolated. Consider connecting with friends, family, or even a support group where you can share your experiences and receive validation.
Consider Your Options
Evaluate whether the relationship is healthy for you in the long run. If the negative impacts outweigh the positive, you might want to consider seeking professional help or finding ways to exit the relationship.
When to Seek Help
Knowing when to seek help in a relationship with a narcissistic partner is crucial for your emotional well-being and safety.
Here are some signs that indicate it might be time to reach out for assistance:
- If you consistently feel anxious, depressed, or emotionally drained due to the relationship.
- If the narcissistic partner is isolating you from friends and family, leaving you with limited external support.
- If you feel like you’ve lost touch with your own interests, values, and sense of self due to the relationship.
- If you notice a recurring pattern of manipulation, emotional abuse, or control.
- If the relationship is negatively affecting your mental health and well-being.
- If you fear for your physical safety due to the narcissistic partner’s behavior.
- If the narcissistic partner’s manipulation has led you to doubt your own reality or perceptions.
- If you feel like your decisions are constantly controlled by the narcissistic partner.
- If you find yourself repeatedly breaking up and getting back together with the narcissistic partner.
How to Leave Safely
Leaving a relationship with a narcissistic partner can be a challenging and potentially dangerous process as you are threatening their position of power and undermining their sense of superiority.
Therefore, it is important to prioritize your safety and well-being.
Here are steps to consider when planning to leave:
- Gather important documents and essential belongings and keep them in a safe place.
- Plan the logistics of your departure, including where you’ll go and how you’ll get there.
- Inform trusted friends, family members, or colleagues about your plan to leave.
- Choose a time to leave when the narcissistic partner is not present or when they are less likely to react violently.
- Change your passwords for email, social media, and any other accounts the narcissistic partner might have access to.
- Check your devices for trackers and be cautious about sharing your location on social media.
- If possible, gradually disengage from the relationship before leaving.
- If you have children, let the nursery or school know who is allowed to pick them up.
- If you anticipate danger during the departure, consider having a friend, family member, or even law enforcement present to ensure your safety.
- After leaving, consider seeking therapy or counseling to help you process the experience, heal, and rebuild your life.
FAQs
How Do Narcissists Show Love?
Narcissists often have a distorted way of showing love due to their self-centered nature and emotional limitations.
Narcissists are skilled at using flattery and charm to win people over. In the early stages of a relationship, they often put their partners on a pedestal, showering them with attention, compliments, and gifts.
However, narcissists are primarily focused on their own needs and desires, and their expressions of affection are often aimed at maintaining control, getting attention, or fulfilling their own emotional needs.
A narcissist might support their partner’s goals or aspirations, but often with an ulterior motive. Their love style is “Ludus,” characterized by game-playing, deception, sexual infidelity, and an aversion to closeness and dependence.
What Are the Most Typical Behaviors of a Narcissistic Partner?
Narcissistic partners often exhibit a range of behaviors that stem from their self-centeredness, lack of empathy, and desire for control and admiration.
Here are some of the typical behaviors that narcissistic partners might display:
Narcissists crave attention and validation, so they often will demand to be the center of attention in social settings and become upset when they’re not.
Narcissists are skilled manipulators, so they will use emotional manipulation, guilt-tripping, and other tactics to control and influence their partners.
Narcissists often cycle between idealizing and devaluing their partners. They may initially put their partner on a pedestal and then suddenly criticize or belittle them.
Narcissists exaggerate their achievements, talents, and importance. They may come across as arrogant and believe they are entitled to special treatment.
Why Is It Hard to Leave a Narcissist?
Leaving a narcissistic partner can be exceptionally difficult because of the attachment you feel to them.
Narcissists are skilled at manipulating their partners’ emotions. They often create a cycle of idealization and devaluation, making their partners feel intense highs followed by devastating lows. Despite the toxic behavior, victims may still feel emotionally connected to the narcissist, hoping for a return to the initial idealization phase.
They also will frequently undermine their partners’ self-esteem and self-worth, so victims come to believe they deserve mistreatment or that they won’t find better alternatives.
Additionally, narcissists will create dependency by isolating their partners from support networks, making it difficult for victims to imagine life without them.
Sources
Bushman, B. (2017). Narcissism, Fame Seeking and Mass Shootings. American Behavioural Scientist, 229-241.
Campbell, S. (2022). Adult Survivors of Toxic Family Members: Tools to Maintain Boundaries, Deal with Criticism, and Heal from Shame After Ties Have Been Cut. New Harbinger Publications.
Campbell, W. K., Foster, C. A., & Finkel, E. J. (2002). Does self-love lead to love for others? A story of narcissistic game playing. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 83, 340–354.
Howard V. (2019). Recognising Narcissistic Abuse and the Implications for Mental Health Nursing Practice. Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 40(8), 644-654.
Lee, J. A. (1973). The colors of love: An exploration of the ways of loving. Don Mills, Canada: New Press.
Louis de Canonville, C. (2019, January 31). Narcissistic Victim Syndrome: What the Heck is That? Retrieved from Narcissistic Behavior: https://narcissisticbehavior.net/
Thomaes, S., Bushman, B., De Castro, B., & Stegge, H. (2009). What makes narcissists bloom? A framework for research on the etiology and development of narcissism. Development and Psychopathology, 1233–1247.
