Social anxiety is a common issue many people face, which may often stem from early life experiences with parents.
If you have social anxiety, you might find yourself avoiding social interactions, feeling nervous about being judged, or experiencing physical symptoms like sweating and trembling.
These anxieties can often be traced back to how you were raised. Overprotective, critical, inconsistent, or emotionally abusive parenting can deeply influence how you feel in social settings, even well into adulthood.
Understanding these connections and how they may also be caused by intertwining influences is key to finding peace and improving your social life.
It’s important to note that social anxiety may not solely be caused by parents. Other factors, such as early negative experiences with bullying, social rejection, and humiliation, can also contribute to social anxiety developing.
This article goes over some of the most common parenting styles and their relation to SAD, and offers practical tips for managing it, from recognizing patterns in your family’s behavior to seeking professional help and building your confidence step-by-step.
What kind of parenting can cause social anxiety?
Overprotective parents
Overprotective parents shield their children from challenges and potential failures, leading to underdeveloped social skills and low confidence.
For instance, an overprotective parent might immediately intervene when their child disagrees with a friend about which game to play at recess, suggesting a compromise instead of allowing the children to resolve the issue themselves.
This deprives the child of the opportunity to develop crucial social skills like negotiation and conflict resolution, potentially leading to anxiety in future social interactions.
By constantly intervening, these parents hinder their child’s ability to learn important social cues and problem-solving skills.
Consequently, children may feel ill-equipped to handle social scenarios, resulting in anxiety when interacting with peers or entering new social environments.
Examples of Thoughts:
- “What if I say something wrong?”
- “I can not do this on my own; I need help.”
- “I am not ready to handle this by myself.”
- “I need someone with me to feel safe.”
Examples of Behaviors:
- Hesitating to join group activities without parental presence
- Frequently calling or texting parents for advice during social events
- Struggling to make simple decisions, like choosing a lunch option, without consulting others
Overly critical or demanding parents
Constant criticism and high expectations from overly critical or demanding parents can make children overly self-conscious and afraid of making mistakes.
“She used to hit me and constantly criticize me and told me I wasn’t as good as my friends or whatever other kid my age was around. Didn’t take much for me to start being scared everyone else was judging me just as harshly.”
This fear extends to social interactions, where they may worry excessively about others’ opinions and potential negative evaluations. The pressure to meet high standards can lead to perfectionism and reluctance to engage socially, fostering anxiety.
Examples of Thoughts:
- “Everyone will think I am not good enough.”
- “I can not make any mistakes, or I will be judged.”
- “People will notice all my flaws.”
- “I must be perfect, or I will be criticized.”
Examples of Behaviors:
- Avoiding social interactions where there is the possibility of being judged
- Trying to ‘perfect’ social interactions and beating themselves up over perceived ‘mistakes’
- Being overly self-conscious of how they present themselves
Inconsistent parents
Inconsistent parenting creates an unpredictable environment, leading to insecurity. When parents are sometimes supportive and other times neglectful or critical, children struggle to form a stable sense of trust.
For example, an inconsistent parent may encourage their child to attend more social activities with friends, but then when the child actually plans to meet friends, their parent complains that they are ‘always going out’ and should stay home. This can cause the child to be conflicted about attending social events.
This inconsistency makes it hard for children to predict others’ reactions, resulting in anxiety and uncertainty in social interactions. They may become overly cautious or avoidant in relationships, fearing rejection or unpredictability.
Examples of Thoughts:
- “I do not know how they will react to me.”
- “What if they leave me or do not like me anymore?”
- “People are unpredictable, I can not trust them.”
- “I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
Examples of Behaviors:
- Constantly seeking reassurance from friends and partners
- Overanalyzing social interactions and reading too much into others’ actions
- Engaging in people-pleasing behaviors to maintain relationships
Authoritative parents
While authoritative parenting involves setting clear rules and expectations, it can suppress a child’s ability to voice their thoughts and feelings if it veers into authoritarianism.
This suppression can lead to social anxiety, as children may fear expressing themselves, worry about disagreeing with others, or struggle with asserting their needs and boundaries.
Research has also uncovered such relationships between authoritative styles and increased social anxiety and social withdrawal. This further highlights the detrimental effects of poor parenting on children’s mental health.
Examples of Thoughts:
- “It is better to stay quiet than to cause trouble.”
- “My opinions do not matter.”
- “I should not speak up; it will just make things worse.”
- “No one wants to hear what I have to say.”
Examples of Behaviors:
- Hesitating or stumbling when asked for an opinion in group settings
- Agreeing with others’ suggestions even when internally disagreeing
- Struggling to say “no” to requests, even when they’re unreasonable
- Becoming overly stressed when faced with authority figures
Anxious parents
Parents who exhibit anxiety can unintentionally transmit these behaviors to their children. Children often learn by observing their parents, and anxious parents may model hypervigilance and avoidance.
As a result, they may internalize these anxious behaviors, leading to social anxiety. For example, they may become overly cautious in social settings, fear potential negative outcomes, and instinctively mimic what they have observed in their parents.
Examples of Thoughts:
- “Something bad will happen if I talk to them.”
- “People are always judging me.”
- “I need to be careful or I will embarrass myself.”
- “It is safer to stay quiet and unnoticed.”
Examples of Behaviors:
- Exhibiting physical symptoms of anxiety (e.g., sweating, trembling) in situations the parent finds stressful
- Excessively checking for danger in new environments, mirroring a parent’s behavior
- Seeking constant reassurance about safety or performance, similar to an anxious parent
Emotionally abusive parents
Emotionally abusive parents undermine their child’s self-esteem and sense of worth, significantly contributing to social anxiety. Through verbal abuse, manipulation, or neglect, these parents instill a deep sense of inadequacy and fear.
Constant exposure to emotional abuse makes children feel worthless and overly sensitive to criticism, leading them to avoid social situations where they fear further emotional harm.
This long-lasting impact severely impairs their ability to form healthy social connections.
“I grew up in an abusive household and developed severe social anxiety. I have Autism Spectrum Disorder and PTSD which worsen my SA, but I firmly believe I wouldn’t have full blown SA if I lived with healthy, loving non-judgemental people growing up.”
Examples of Thoughts:
- “If I open up to someone, they’ll use it against me like my parents did.”
- “I don’t deserve to be included or have friends.”
- “I don’t belong here. Everyone else seems so comfortable and I’m just faking it.”
Examples of Behaviors:
- Becoming overly apologetic for minor perceived social missteps
- Difficulty accepting compliments or positive feedback
- Isolating oneself to avoid potential social rejection
Dealing with social anxiety that may be caused by parents
Recognizing Generational Patterns
Understanding the origins of your social anxiety involves recognizing generational patterns. Often, behaviors and attitudes are passed down unconsciously from parents to children.
By identifying these patterns, you can better understand the context of your anxiety and begin to break the cycle.
Reflect on your parents’ upbringing and how their experiences may have influenced their parenting style. Acknowledging that your parents may have also struggled with similar issues can foster empathy and provide a foundation for change.
Discuss family history with your parents or other relatives to gain insight into generational behaviors. This awareness can help you identify specific patterns and work towards breaking them, fostering a healthier environment for yourself and your children.
“I am aware that my social anxiety was probably influenced by my mother’s parenting. After reflecting, I recognized my grandmother had similar overly critical and anxious parenting. Then, after speaking to my grandmother, she shared that even HER mother was an incredibly anxious person. It is now down to me to break this anxious cycle.”
Practice Self-Parenting
Self-parenting involves nurturing yourself in ways your parents might not have. This means providing yourself with the support, encouragement, and love that you need. Develop a positive inner voice to counteract any negative messages received in childhood.
Engage in self-care practices that promote mental and emotional well-being. Affirmations, journaling, and self-compassion exercises can be powerful tools in reparenting yourself, helping you build confidence and reduce social anxiety.
An activity for self-parenting:
In your journal, imagine that you are writing a letter to your younger self. In this letter, you can take on the role of your younger self’s parent or older mentor.
Consider what you will say to your younger self. What advice would you give them? What encouragement or reassurance can you offer?
Think specifically about how you can counter some of the criticism you may have heard from your parent/s.
Practice Forgiveness
Forgiveness can be a critical step in healing from parental influences that have contributed to social anxiety.
While it may not be easy, forgiving your parents, whether they were overly critical, inconsistent, or anxious, can free you from lingering resentment and pain.
This does not mean condoning their behavior but rather accepting that they were doing their best with the tools they had (obviously, if the parent was abusive, you may not want to forgive this). Forgiveness can provide emotional relief and allow you to focus on your growth and recovery.
Do this by engaging in reflective practices such as writing letters (not necessarily to be sent) to express your feelings.
Therapy can also help you process these emotions and move towards forgiveness, providing emotional relief and allowing you to focus on your growth.
Foster Your Own Independence
Cultivating independence is essential in overcoming social anxiety linked to parental influences.
Establishing some distance from your parents’ anxious beliefs helps you form your own identity and perspectives.
Engage in activities that challenge you and build confidence, such as joining clubs, volunteering, or taking up new hobbies. Setting boundaries with your parents allows you to develop autonomy and self-assurance.
Push yourself to break the vicious cycle of avoiding social situations by signing up for clubs, volunteering, or taking up new hobbies that allow for social interaction.
While anxiety may feel heightened, to begin with, gradually exposing yourself to fearful social situations should help your confidence in the long run and ultimately increase your independence.
Likewise, practice setting healthy boundaries with your parents, such as saying no to unreasonable requests or reducing visiting times if you feel more anxious in their presence.
Seek Professional Help
Therapy is an effective way to address social anxiety, particularly when it stems from parental influences.
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can help you identify and reframe negative thought patterns, while exposure therapy can gradually reduce fear of social situations.
Family therapy might also be beneficial if your parents are willing to participate, providing a platform to address and resolve underlying issues.
A mental health professional can guide you through these processes, offering support and strategies tailored to your needs.
Lastly, parent-only CBT is available and has been shown to be an effective treatment for reducing anxiety symptoms and relieving anxiety in children when compared to control groups.
Build a Support Network
Creating a support network of friends, mentors, and support groups can significantly help in managing social anxiety. Surround yourself with positive influences who understand and respect your experiences.
Engaging with others who share similar challenges can provide comfort and reduce feelings of isolation.
These connections can offer encouragement, practical advice, and opportunities for social interaction in a safe and supportive environment.
Challenge Negative Thoughts
A key aspect of managing social anxiety is learning to challenge and reframe negative thoughts.
When you catch yourself thinking, “Everyone will judge me,” counter it with evidence-based thoughts like, “Most people are focused on themselves, not on judging me.”
Try to identify where your socially anxious thoughts are coming from and verbalize this to help challenge them.
For example, “I am probably feeling anxious about being judged because my father was very critical of me, but that does not mean everyone is also critical of me.”
Practicing mindfulness and staying present in the moment can also help prevent anxious thoughts from spiraling.
Techniques such as meditation and deep breathing exercises can reduce anxiety and improve emotional regulation.
Develop Social Skills Gradually
Practicing social skills incrementally helps build confidence and reduces the fear associated with social situations. Over time, these experiences can lessen social anxiety and improve your overall quality of life.
Therapist Emma McAdam shared the following advice:
“When you want to decrease your social anxiety, it is really essential to allow yourself to stretch your comfort zone. You can do this by practicing willingness. It is an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) term that means choosing to let yourself feel your emotions even if they are uncomfortable ”
Implement the stepladder approach, a gradual exposure technique used to overcome social anxiety. This method involves:
- Creating a hierarchy of anxiety-provoking social situations, from least to most challenging.
- Starting with the least anxiety-inducing situation and gradually working your way up.
- Practicing each step until you feel comfortable before moving to the next.
For example:
- Start with simple actions like smiling at a stranger or saying hello to a cashier.
- Progress to brief conversations with acquaintances or joining a small group activity.
- Work your way up to more challenging interactions, such as initiating conversations with new people or speaking up in larger group settings.
As you gain confidence at each level, move on to more complex social situations.
References
Ilyas, U., & Khan, S. D. (2023). Role of Parenting and Psychosocial Correlates Contributing to Social Anxiety in Asian Adolescents: A Systematic Review. Innovations in Clinical Neuroscience, 20(7-9), 30.
Therapy in a Nutshell. (2022, May 26,). 3 Skills to Overcome Social Anxiety Post-Pandemic. [Video File]. YouTube.
Yin, B., Teng, T., Tong, L., Li, X., Fan, L., Zhou, X., & Xie, P. (2021). Efficacy and acceptability of parent-only group cognitive behavioral intervention for treatment of anxiety disorder in children and adolescents: a meta-analysis of randomized controlled trials. Bmc Psychiatry, 21, 1-12.
