There are many reasons why people cheat. Some people are dissatisfied with their relationship or sex life; others have difficulty controlling their impulsess, while others are looking for validation.
To better understand why people cheat, I spoke to various people about their reasons for cheating. I also spoke to a couple’s therapist, Jenna Nielsen from ADHD Advisory, and looked up what other relationship experts had to say on the matter.
Have you ever cheated or been tempted to cheat? If yes, why do you think that was? Your own (honest) reflections can also give you some insight into the phenomenon of cheating.
There are various types of cheaters and reasons for cheating:
1. Desire
Esther Perel argues that affairs are actually fueled far more by desire rather than sex itself. There are profound desires that motivate people to cheat – attention, feeling special, feeling important.
An affair provides something that is often lacking or diminishing in the primary relationship.
“Affairs are way less about sex, and a lot more about desire: desire for attention, desire to feel special, desire to feel important.”
The affair partner lavishes new devotion on the person, making them feel seen again in ways they yearned for. There is an intoxication of being the center of someone’s world again, being reminded of one’s attractiveness and lovability.
Moreover, the very structure of keeping an affair secret and restricted nurtures the desire.
The inability to have complete possession of the affair partner, unlike the marital partner who is fully available, keeps one continually wanting. There is an aggregated thrill, curiosity, and anticipation for the next stolen moment together.
Unlike the reliable and predictable marital partner, there is mysteriousness and ambiguity that fuels longing.
The incompleteness keeps feeding an emotional and erotic charge. There’s a preoccupation, possessiveness, and desire for the unattainable.
Conclusion:
Affairs often tap into and are propelled by unfulfilled desires for attention, affirmation, and intrigue.
The shadows and incomplete satisfaction of an affair, paradoxically and powerfully, are what keep wanting more. It is desire itself that grows through being unrequited.
2. Attention (feeling Special)
Esther Perel explains that a desire for attention and feeling special or important may draw people into affairs. An affair partner tends to lavish praise, flattery, and affirmation, making them feel admired and validated again.
Unlike a partner who has become inured or feels used to you after years together, this once familiar admiration gets ignited again. There is magic in feeling truly “seen” by a new person who finds you impressive.
Getting attention and external validation is like a drug for some people.
Game players are all about getting attention and validation. Their selfish needs drive them, and they have little concern for consequences or hurting people’s feelings.
When I asked Ella what she was looking for by cheating she said, “Probably validation. I had very low self-esteem, and male attention boosted my ego more than anything else. I was also a people-pleaser, and I had sex with people to make them happy even though that meant potentially hurting someone else. I didn’t care to be honest; I just did whatever made me feel good.”
But not all attention-seekers are game players.
Some might feel their partner doesn’t pay them enough attention or, as Lily said, “When you’re in a relationship with someone for a long time, you can start believing you’re not attractive to others and get caught up in the attention you don’t expect to get.”
Conclusion:
Some attention-seekers are narcissistic game players. Others have low self-esteem and confidence, and cheating is a way for them to get attention and validation.
3. When Something is Missing in the Relationship
Can you get everything from one partner? Should your partner fulfill all your needs? What happens when they don’t?
Ether Perel suggests affairs are often attempts to rediscover emotional dimensions that feel diluted or lacking amid the routines of daily life and stable relationships. There can be a grinding down of aliveness through recurring roles and responsibilities.
In Olivia’s case, she emotionally cheated because, “I couldn’t connect with my partner on an intellectual level but our relationship was great otherwise. So [the other] validated me in that specific way. Intellect is very attractive to me, and I feel sexy when I can connect with someone on that level. They were giving me something my partner didn’t, which I used to rationalize my behavior.”
In Ava’s experience, “I felt so lonely in my relationship because my partner was always away working or traveling – it felt like I was single. I started seeing this other guy regularly, and, seeing as my partner was always away, he didn’t even realize. We broke up in the end, and I’m still with the other guy.”
In some cases, relationships fizzle out, but neither partner is willing to face the truth. The relationship might have gone stale, and when an opportunity to have some fun and excitement arises, they go for it.
This was Noah’s experience, “I wasn’t consciously aware of this at the time, but I cheated because I wanted something or someone new. Things weren’t really working out with my girlfriend at the time, and when I met this other woman, it was exciting and new. My girlfriend found out, and that obviously really hurt her. I wouldn’t do that to someone now.”
Conclusion:
Some people cheat because they feel their partner isn’t meeting their needs. Consequently, having those needs met becomes more important to them than the health of their primary relationship.
4. Reclaiming a Lost Identity
Esther Perel explains that some people turn to affairs later in life to reconnect with a more youthful, vibrant side of themselves that feels suppressed. The predictable responsibilities of marriage and family can cover over a sense of identity.
When we seek the gaze of another, it isn’t always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves become. And it isn’t so much that we’re looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self.
Esther Perel
As the years go by, a person may mourn the loss of their adventurous, rule-breaking adolescent self that is now buried under layers of duty and obligation. Or they may grieve parts of their ancestral cultural roots that assimilated away.
An affair revives those feelings of giddiness, uncertainty, rebellion, and individualism that are markers of teenage identity formation but get ossified in the grown-up world. It cultivates forgotten modes like playfulness, curiosity, spontaneity, and creativity.
Rather than indicating dissatisfaction with the spouse per se, this affair motive expresses a quest for relating to hidden dimensions in oneself.
It represents a desire for wholeness – integrating forgotten preferences, mannerisms, aspirations into one’s psyche and lived experience.
5. Fear of Facing the Truth
Some people cheat because they’re afraid of facing and admitting the truth. Maybe their relationship isn’t working, or they’ve found someone else, but they’re too afraid to say so.
Jack admitted, “I was too much of a coward to tell my ex that the relationship wasn’t working for me.”
Diane, who was married to a man named Dave, fell in love with another man she met at work. Eventually, Dave became suspicious and confronted Diane, but she denied all his allegations, told him he was being paranoid, and refused to engage in conversation about it.
She was too afraid to leave her marriage; she enjoyed parts of it, and they’d been married for a long time. A divorce would cost a lot of money, energy, and time, and she didn’t want to hurt Dave’s feelings by telling him she’d fallen in love with someone else. She thought, “As long as Dave doesn’t find out, why can’t I have both?”
Diane’s selfishness drove her to start an affair, and fear kept her trapped in a seemingly unfulfilling marriage.
Conclusion:
Some people cheat because they’re unhappy in their relationship.
But they have the option of speaking to their partner about it, trying couple counseling, or separating.
Dissatisfaction is a rationalization – it’s not an excuse or satisfying reason. Honesty might be difficult to deal with in the moment, but it’s easier than dealing with ongoing deceit, secrecy, and gaslighting.
6. Sexual Dissatisfaction
Ella once dated a married man who told her, “My wife doesn’t enjoy oral sex so what choice do I have but to find it somewhere else?”
In many couples, one partner wants to have sex more than the other. Consequently, they rationalize cheating with not getting their sexual needs met in terms of frequency, type of sex, or certain sexual acts.
They might complain that their partner “Never wants to have sex” or “Just isn’t a sexual person,” but without considering why that is the case.
Many blame their partner, but as the sex expert Tracey Cox said, “If your partner doesn’t want to have sex with you, I wonder how good the sex is. Many women say no to sex because the sex just isn’t that interesting to them.”
Conclusion:
Sexual dissatisfaction is one of the main reasons why people cheat. But maybe instead of cheating, it’s worth exploring (as a couple) why your sex life isn’t satisfying and how you can reignite the flame.
However, some people have a sex or porn addiction, and their partners cannot satisfy them because their sex drive is insatiable. For them, therapy is probably the best option.
7. The Forbidden Fruit Effect: Impulse Control Problems
Humans don’t like rules and being told what to do because it threatens their sense of freedom. Things that are forbidden entice us and awaken a curiosity that’s almost impossible to contain.
Cheating can be one of those forbidden fruits.
When you cheat, it alleviates that agonizing curiosity and makes you feel free and in control. That can explain why relationship expert Esther Perel said on a recent podcast, “Something [people who cheat] have in common is that affairs make them feel alive.”
Jenna Nielsen agreed that the excitement of doing something forbidden drives some people to cheat, “There is the pure sense of excitement for people to cheat on their partner due to having to act on an impulse and not knowing how to say “no”. They could actually truly love and care about their partner, but they have a physical attraction urge that they have to act on.”
Alfie said, “I cheated on my girlfriend with someone that I had a strong physical and emotional connection with but who wasn’t available to me at the time. On a night out, she came on to me, and I couldn’t resist. There was a lot of alcohol involved as well. I felt horrible as soon as it was over.”
Excitement can drive a person to cheat, but once the deed is done (and the hormones subside), they often regret what they’ve done.
Conclusion:
Most people in relationships have probably been tempted to cheat, but they resist because they have the necessary control, foresight, and respect for their partner.
Not being able to resist temptation can be due to alcohol, but it’s often an impulse control problem. Learning to control your impulses is entirely possible when you take responsibility and put in a little effort.
8. Self-Saboteurs
Reckless sexual behavior, including cheating, is a form of self-destructive behavior, also known as self-sabotage.
Ella said, “Every time I cheated, I felt so guilty and ashamed. It was like I was looking for confirmation of what a terrible person I am” – like I wanted to prove that I was bad at relationships and couldn’t be faithful. It’s like I didn’t want to be happy, I wanted to self-destruct.”
Ava also experienced this when she was younger, “It was so destructive – whenever I was happy in a relationship, I would cheat on my partner so I could feel guilty and terrible about myself. I didn’t know that at the time, it took a lot of therapy to understand what I was doing.”
According to therapist Jenna Nielsen, one reason people cheat physically and emotionally is to “Sabotage their current relationship as they are not happy but do not know how to tell the other person.”
In line with this, Harry said, “I wasn’t man enough to tell her I wasn’t happy, so I cheated on her and didn’t even try to hide the evidence. She broke up with me, and I was kind of relieved.”
Jack said a very similar thing, “I was very loved by the person I cheated on, but I was in a bad place, and I used her as a distraction even though I knew the relationship wouldn’t last. I couldn’t communicate that to her, so I forced her hand by telling her I cheated on her.”
Lily explained that she cheated because the relationship was ending, “I knew we weren’t forever – we were going to break up when I was going traveling – and I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.”
Conclusion:
Sometimes, cheating is an act of sabotage. Instead of engaging in honest and open communication, they deliberately destroy the relationship.
Some people cheat to confirm the negative beliefs they hold about themselves.
9. Immaturity and Selfishness
Many people I spoke to rationalized their cheating by saying they were “young, selfish, and immature”.
In Isabelle’s words, “Reflecting on it now that I’m happy, I would never do that to my husband and kids. But back then, I was very immature and selfish, I had a lot of anxiety and therefore drank a lot. When I cheated, it always happened in the context of alcohol and partying. Everyone was cheating on each other, and people cheated on me so it kind of became normal.”
Ella had a similar response, “When I was young, I cheated all the time and on every partner I had. I just didn’t care, and I was drunk a lot. I didn’t care about consequences. My attitude was “what they don’t know can’t hurt them”. My behavior back then was generally selfish and reckless.”
Conclusion:
People who are immature have difficulty taking responsibility, understanding consequences, seeing things from another person’s perspective, and always blame others – a perfect recipe for cheating.
But it’s not necessarily about age; many people never grow out of their immaturity and selfishness and continue pursuing their self-serving goals without any concern for the feelings of others.
10. Personal Crisis
Many people are not happy in life; they aren’t true to themselves and are dissatisfied with what their life has become.
They attribute their unhappiness and boredom to their partner and use that as a rationalization to have an affair – but the affair merely serves as a Band-Aid for something deeper that’s missing from their lives.
Along these lines, relationship expert Esther Perel said on a recent podcast, “Some people have affairs that have nothing to do with their relationship – affairs happen even in happy couples. They don’t want to leave the person; they want to leave the person they have become. They don’t want to meet another person; they want to meet another version of themselves or parts of themselves that have disappeared.”
Facing mortality and loss
Death and mortality often live in the shadow of an affair.
When people lose a loved one unexpectedly, receive a serious medical diagnosis, or otherwise are abruptly reminded of the fragility of life, it can trigger an existential crisis. Thoughts like “life is short” or “I could die tomorrow” start to permeate.
This can cause people to question whether they are truly living authentically and seizing the day in the way they truly want.
When settled into mundane routines or feeling trapped in the responsibilities of their relationship, this questioning can drive them to make impulsive decisions to seek experiences that make them feel alive, free, and young again – like they used to feel before mortality was staring them in the face.
An affair, fling, act of sexual experimentation – these types of “out of bounds” behaviors can seem more enticing, comforting, or egosyntonic in the midst of grief/mortality crisis. Crossing lines provide a salve for existential anxiety and longing to feel vitality again. It’s an attempt to cancel out the feelings of time running out.
The key is that facing one’s mortality lowers inhibitions and presses one to evaluate if they’re truly living to the fullest.
People do what they think they are allowed to do or can justify themselves based on their rules and personal boundaries. So grief, loss, etc., can bend people’s rules about what is permitted.
For some, that pressing question leads them to cross lines as an unconscious coping mechanism or reaction to the life-is-short effect. The affair helps them feel alive and free in the face of the reality that life is ephemeral.
11. Game Players
Game players are generally quite (or very) narcissistic, and they will probably never change – no matter what you do, say, or wear.
They understand that unfaithfulness is hurtful to the other person (they’re not blind or ignorant), but they don’t care – they’re only interested in their own desires and needs being met.
Eliza married a wealthy accountant who was charming, witty, and always the life of the party.
When Eliza returned home from the hospital after giving birth to their daughter, she could smell another woman’s perfume on their cats.
With her newborn in her arms, she confronted her husband who simply laughed and told her she was imagining things. It eventually transpired that he wasn’t only sleeping with one other woman but several and had been from the very beginning.
For Eliza’s husband, cheating had nothing to do with dissatisfaction or boredom in the relationship. He was driven by his desire and need for validation, which he needed from various sources.
His marriage to Eliza was about status (having a “trophy wife”) but never about genuine commitment and intimacy.
Conclusion:
Game players like Eliza’s husband cheat because they can. To them, love and relationships are a game: they play with other people’s feelings without regret or guilt.
They gain validation from the attention and affection of other people. Pursuing and having multiple sexual partners is exciting and thrilling, and it makes them feel powerful, wanted, and in charge. Their self-esteem is based on being attractive to other people.
Instead of Cheating, Try This
If you’re unhappy with your life and think that’s because of your partner, consider whether it might be something within you – some deeper unhappiness you haven’t addressed.
Maybe you’re feeling stagnant in life because you’ve achieved all your goals. Maybe your life didn’t turn out the way you thought it would.
Instead of having an affair, which could be devastating for your partner (and kids, if you have them) and your life in general, try a new hobby; go on that trip you’ve always dreamed of; do an 8-week mindfulness course; or start a cooking blog – whatever you want.
Find out what’s driving you – what is that dissatisfaction really about? Why do you feel empty or bored? What could satisfy your need for thrill and excitement other than cheating?
If you find that your relationship is making you unhappy, speak to your partner about it and/ or separate or divorce them. Speak to them about it.
Although it’s awkward and devastating in the short term, you and your partner will benefit from honesty and clarity in the long term.
Once a Cheat, Always a Cheat?
Some people cheat once and regret it so deeply that they never do it again. For others, sleeping around is a lifestyle they don’t want to give up.
If your partner has cheated on you, tells you about it willingly, expresses sincere regret, and promises never to do it again, they might be telling the truth. Whether you want to give them another chance is your call.
If your partner has cheated on you more than once and hides it from you, chances are they’ll do it again. Something is missing that you cannot satisfy, and that’s not your fault.
If you want and respect monogamy but they don’t, they’re not the right person for you; and you’re better off finding someone who shares your values.
Is Cheating a Learned Behavior?
Several people I spoke to who had cheated on their partner(s) told me their father had cheated on their mother. Does that normalize the behavior? Do people imitate their cheating parents? Is it in the genes?
In Isabelle’s opinion, “I saw myself as a victim because my parents’ relationship was falling apart, and there was a lot of other stuff going on. I became a perpetrator myself but felt entitled to act in any way I wanted. I think I wanted to live out what was going on at home. I didn’t want to be a victim like my mum, I wanted to take back control and I thought that if I cheat, if I do the worst thing to someone else, they can’t hurt me.”
Jack said, “My dad cheated on my mum but never took any responsibility for it; he just kept making excuses. Maybe I believed those excuses and took on some of his reasoning, and it somehow made it okay or normal to cheat.”
Final Thoughts
Based on what the experts and people who have cheated told me, here are some conclusions:
- Cheating is not about the person being cheated on; it’s about the cheater.
- People may give reasons such as “My wife doesn’t satisfy me anymore” or “He never pays me any attention” but there are many things they could do to resolve that other than cheating.
- Life and relationships are complicated, and every dynamic is unique, but cheating signals a breakdown of communication and respect.
- People rationalize and excuse their cheating by giving reasons that make them feel less guilty, and enable them to reconcile their behavior internally.
- Cheating is an active choice people make when they feel something is missing in their lives or within them.
- Cheating, in its many forms, is always ego-driven i.e., people cheat for selfish reasons, not because of their partner.
- It’s often a combination of factors like low self-esteem, dissatisfaction, and opportunity.
- If someone cheats on you, it’s not your fault – it was their choice.
- If you cheat and lie to your partner, it’s your responsibility and choice, and something within you and how you feel in your relationship needs to be addressed.
Sources
Barlett, Steven “Love Expert Reveals Why 80% Of Modern Relationships FAIL…Esther Perel” YouTube, uploaded by Diary of a CEO, Dec 7, 2023, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56Is_NAk6rQ
Bartlett, Steven “The No.1 Sex Expert: How To Have Great Sex EVERY Time! (And Fix Bad Sex): Tracey Cox” YouTube, uploaded by Diary of a CEO, May 15, 2023, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Ait0WaCNCw&t=4665s
