The loss of a close friend can be just as devastating and emotionally challenging as the end of a romantic relationship. Both can leave you feeling heartbroken, confused, and lost, sending shockwaves through your support system and impacting your sense of self.
However, friendship breakups come with less societal acknowledgment and support than romantic breakups. The pain of losing a friend is often dismissed, leaving you to shoulder the weight of grief alone. This can be the case even if your friend betrayed you or was toxic.
Psychologist and friendship expert Dr. Marisa G. Franco explains that:
“friendship breakups are so hard because we don’t get the same permission to process grief around a friendship. We grieve in community; others acknowledge the weight of our loss, and it helps us heal. But when they don’t–we develop disenfranchised grief that lingers.”
Additionally, friendship breakups are usually unexpected. Thus, while we often expect and brace ourselves for the devastation after romantic breakups, we are not usually prepared for the pain following friendship breakups.
Case study:
Arabella and Charlotte became best friends at University ten years ago. They are usually inseparable–until Charlotte gets a boyfriend and “disappears,” no longer having time for even a phone call with Arabella more than every few weeks. Recently, they had a rare plan to have dinner, which Charlotte canceled at the last minute because her boyfriend wanted to see her. This was the last straw for Arabella. She decided that Charlotte did not value their friendship, so she initiated a friendship breakup. Despite becoming used to Charlotte’s absences, it still felt strange for Arabella to lose Charlotte after years of friendship. It would take time to adjust to this life change and the feelings of being undervalued by her friend.
Below are 10 ways in which you can start to process and get over a friendship breakup:
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
Recognizing and accepting your emotions surrounding the friendship breakup is the first step in processing them.
Allow yourself to feel the full range of emotions without judgment, whether it is sadness, anger, loneliness, confusion, guilt, or relief. Do not judge yourself for feeling “too much”–your emotions are valid and deserve space.
Dr. Marisa G. Franco explains that:
“it is important to recognize our loss and validate our feelings. We must acknowledge our friendship endings as significant and process them as such.”
Suppressing or denying your emotions can:
- lead to less social support from others;
- prolong the healing process;
- prevent you from moving forward.
Arabella found that journaling about her emotions, writing down her thoughts and feelings, helped her gain clarity and insight into her emotional state.
Through this, she realized that there were multiple times when she felt ignored by Charlotte and came to understand that this may have contributed to her feelings of low self-worth.
Additionally, Arabella confided in trusted friends and practiced mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing and meditation. Both helped her become more aware of her emotions and explore them without judgment.
2. Allow Yourself Time to Grieve
Acknowledging the value and influence of friendship on our lives allows us to create the time and space needed to fully grieve friendships that have ended.
It is normal to grieve the loss of a friendship. Just like with any significant loss, give yourself permission to mourn the relationship and the memories associated with it.
Allow yourself to:
- cry;
- express your emotions;
- reminisce;
- process the changes this breakup brings.
Arabella created a ritual/ceremony to symbolize closure, which included writing a letter to Charlotte (without sending it to her) and then ripping it up.
Grieving is a gradual process–take as much time as you need to heal. There is no right or wrong timeline for healing, so be patient with yourself and do not pressure yourself to “get over it” quickly.
3. Reflect on the Friendship
Take time to reflect on the friendship and the reasons why it ended.
This can help you gain insight into patterns or behaviors that contributed to its demise, allowing you to uncover valuable insights and lessons for future relationships.
Take note of what you have learned from the experience and how it has shaped you as a person. Write down your reflections in a journal or discuss them with a trusted friend or therapist.
Ask yourself questions such as:
- What did I value most about the friendship?
- What went wrong?
- What could I have done differently?
- What were the friendship’s strengths and weaknesses?
- Were there any red flags that I initially ignored?
4. Seek Support
Seeking support from others can provide comfort, validation, and perspective. Talking about your feelings provides an emotional release and valuable advice.
Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist, who can offer empathy, understanding, and guidance.
Consider joining a support group or online community for people who have experienced friendship breakups. This can help you feel less alone and provide valuable insights and coping strategies.
Social media is a great way to connect with others who have similar experiences to yours. Try doing a relevant search on TikTok, Instagram, or Twitter (e.g., searching hashtags).
Please note that social media can provide connection, but be mindful of getting sucked into doom scrolling that leaves you feeling worse. Set a timer while browsing to stay centered on what serves you best.
While grieving, social support and technological connectedness has been found to enhance quality of life and protect against mental health issues.
Dr. Marisa G. Franco suggests that, whilst friendship break-up grief may be dismissed by society,
“we can discern who to express ourselves to and find support from people who understand that friendship loss, too, can be devastating.”
Marisa also explains that, when others validate and understand our loss, it helps us heal.
5. Focus on Self-Care and Self-Compassion
Take time to prioritize your physical, emotional, and mental well-being by engaging in activities that nourish and rejuvenate you. This may include:
- exercise;
- hobbies;
- meditation;
- journaling;
- relaxation techniques;
- spending time in nature;
- spending time with supportive friends and family.
Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and patience that you would offer a loved one experiencing loss.
Furthermore, challenge any negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself or the situation. Avoid self-criticism, and instead accept and forgive yourself.
Remind yourself of your strengths and worthiness of love, care, support, and friendship.
6. Set Boundaries
Establish boundaries to protect yourself from further hurt or negativity related to the friendship breakup.
This may involve:
- limiting contact with them;
- unfollowing them on social media;
- avoiding places or activities that remind you of the friendship (at least temporarily);
- avoiding places where you are likely to run into them (again, this could be temporarily).
Reflecting on boundaries you might have missed in the friendship can empower you to protect your well-being in future relationships and have healthier relationships moving forward:
- Identify areas where you need to set clearer boundaries.
- Pinpoint any behaviors or interactions that are no longer acceptable to you, and practice communicating them assertively and respectfully.
- Practice saying no without guilt or justification.
Setting boundaries is not about punishing the other person but about taking care of yourself and honoring your own needs and priorities.
7. Practice Forgiveness
Practicing forgiveness helps you to release resentment, anger, and bitterness.
Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciling with the former friend or condoning their actions. But it does involve letting go of negative emotions for your own peace of mind so that you can move forward.
Forgiving yourself for any perceived role in the friendship’s demise is also important.
Tips for practicing forgiveness:
- Write a letter to the former friend expressing your feelings and granting forgiveness, even if you do not intend to send it. Acknowledge any wrongdoing or hurt, and express your willingness to let go and move forward.
- Engage in symbolic rituals to release resentment and negative emotions. This could include burning a letter symbolizing your grievances or participating in a forgiveness ceremony or ritual.
- Find a forgiveness or “letting go” meditation on YouTube or a meditation app.
Forgiveness can be a gradual process and may take time, but it ultimately leads to greater emotional freedom and healing.
8. Find Meaning in the Experience
Look for personal growth opportunities that may have emerged from the friendship breakup. Reflect on the lessons you have learned, the strengths you have developed, and the ways in which you have grown as a person.
Use the experience as an opportunity to:
- learn more about yourself and your values;
- reflect on your expectations in friendships (and revise them if necessary);
- identify unhealthy patterns;
- consider how the experience has shaped your values, priorities, and relationships moving forward;
- cultivate stronger communication skills for future relationships.
Arabella incorporated this into her journaling practice by writing about the positive aspects of her friendship with Charlotte ending. Such aspects included the opportunity to become closer to other friends and develop healthier friendships.
Additionally, explore new hobbies, interests, or goals that bring fulfillment and joy into your life.
By reframing the experience as a catalyst for personal growth and transformation, you can find meaning and purpose in the aftermath.
9. Focus on Positive Relationships
Research involving over 300,000 people, conducted over 7.5 years, found that having strong social relationships increases your chances of living longer by 50%.
This boost in survival odds is similar to what you would get from quitting smoking. Additionally, it is even more significant than factors like obesity or not getting enough exercise. Thus, having good friends can be just as important for your health as making healthy lifestyle choices.
By focusing on positive relationships, you can build a strong support network and create a fulfilling and enriching social life:
- Invest time and energy into strengthening existing positive relationships with friends and family members.
- Surround yourself with people who support, value, and respect you for who you are and encourage your growth and well-being.
- Prioritize quality over quantity in your relationships.
- Reach out to old friends or acquaintances who you have lost touch with.
10. Stay Open to New Connections
It is natural to feel hesitant or guarded after experiencing a friendship breakup. However, staying open to new friendships and connections can lead to rewarding and meaningful relationships in the future.
Be willing to step out of your comfort zone and meet new people who share your interests, values, and passions.
Attend social events, workshops, or classes where you can meet like-minded individuals and expand your social circle. You could also join social groups or clubs based on shared interests and values.
Do not let the negativity of this experience close you off to future friendships. While caution is understandable, not everyone will repeat the negative patterns you experienced.
Signs to End a Friendship
Below are some reasons why you may choose to end a friendship:
- Spending time with your friend consistently leaves you feeling emotionally drained, belittled, or anxious.
- You often feel judged, criticized, or put down, even unintentionally, making you feel hurt or discouraged.
- They disregard or disrespect your boundaries, despite your attempts to communicate them.
- They betray your trust by gossiping, sharing your personal information without consent, keeping secrets, or breaking promises.
- They exhibit controlling behavior, such as manipulation or guilt-tripping tactics.
- They use emotional manipulation to influence your choices or make you feel obligated to engage in activities or behaviors that are uncomfortable or go against personal values.
- They do not celebrate your successes, offer genuine help, or show empathy during difficult times.
- There is a lack of genuine support or reciprocity in the friendship.
- The friendship feels one-sided, with you giving much more than you receive. You may feel as though your efforts are consistently one-sided.
- Their constant negativity brings you down and hinders your personal growth.
- They display jealousy, dismissiveness, or belittling of your achievements, successes, or happiness.
- The friendship encourages unhealthy habits or hinders your self-esteem and well-being.
- You have difficulty maintaining open and honest communication with the friend due to discomfort or fear of judgment.
References
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Happiness.com. (2023a, September 21). How to get over a friendship breakup: 7 steps. https://www.happiness.com/magazine/relationships/how-to-get-over-friendship-breakup/
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