How To Break Up With A Friend: 7 Steps To Avoid The Drama

Ending a friendship can feel like a betrayal, a painful severing of shared memories and experiences. 

However, just like romantic relationships, friendships grow and evolve. Not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime, and holding onto what no longer nourishes can leave us feeling drained. 

The importance of setting boundaries and parting ways in romantic connections has become widely recognized. In the same way, it is equally necessary to do the same in friendships, as not every bond withstands the test of time. 

Take the case of Rebecca and Sabrina, who had been friends since school and are now in their late twenties. Over recent years, Rebecca has felt the need to set boundaries with Sabrina to protect her emotional well-being. 

As Sabrina crossed these boundaries multiple times, Rebecca recognized that it might be time to consider ending the friendship as an act of self-love. Rebecca wanted to focus her attention on developing healthier, more fulfilling connections with other friends. 

Rebecca had to figure out how to break up with her lifelong friend with respect and empathy.

1. Reflect on why you want to end the friendship

Shasta Nelson, Social Relationships expert and author, explains that there are two different types of friendship breakups: ‘Drifts’ and ‘Rifts.’ 

She explains that ‘drifts’ are where friends may have drifted apart from each other. These are breakups where nobody has done anything harmful; we just recognize one day that we haven’t seen or spoken to each other in a long time, perhaps due to a change in life circumstances. 

‘Rifts,’ on the other hand, are where something has happened. We can point to it and say there was an ‘injury’ done to that relationship in one form or another.

If you are considering breaking up with a friend, consider whether there is an identifiable rift or whether the friendship is simply drifting.

Before making a decision, Rebecca firstly reflected on her feelings and reasons for wanting to end the friendship. 

Journaling served as a powerful tool as it helped Rebecca to make sense of her thoughts and emotions. This would also help her express them clearly to Sabrina.

Additionally, writing about her feelings after spending time with Sabrina helped Rebecca notice that she often felt drained, unappreciated, or even resentful after their meet-ups. 

Furthermore, confiding in another trusted friend (James) offered Rebecca valuable perspectives and insights. James had noticed similar patterns. He was also able to shed light on dynamics that Rebecca had overlooked and aspects that were clouded by her personal emotions.

Pinpointing reasons for your decision includes considering the friendship dynamics and assessing whether the friendship is reciprocal, fulfilling, and supportive. Pay attention to recurring issues:

• Does your friend consistently cancel plans? 
• Are your conversations one-sided, leaving you feeling unheard? 
• Does their presence bring negativity or drama into your life? 
• Do they lack respect for your boundaries?
• Is there a noticeable imbalance, with you consistently investing more effort than them?

Recognizing these patterns is not about assigning blame, but understanding the core reasons why this friendship is not working anymore. 

For Rebecca, simply acknowledging Sabrina’s lack of effort, mismatched values, and conflicting life stages made the path forward clearer. 

Ultimately, understanding your own needs and feelings is paramount. Rebecca’s friendship with Sabrina no longer added to her personal growth or brought her joy, causing her to decide that it was time to step away.

Consider as well if you may be in a toxic relationship with your friend.

Signs of toxicity include:

• gaslighting;
• emotional manipulation;
• consistent disrespect;
• outright abuse;
• control;
• verbal or physical aggression.

It is usually advisable to end a relationship with someone who is toxic, to protect yourself from emotional manipulation or harm. 

2. Ending a toxic relationship

If you feel like you are experiencing any of the above signs of toxicity from your friend, consider dissolving this friendship safely. 

In some cases, the decision to break free is immediate and non-negotiable. 

Ending a toxic friendship will be different from ending a non-toxic friendship. Pay attention to your emotional and mental well-being. Swift action is necessary if: 

• the friendship poses a threat to your mental health or safety;
• you find yourself drained, anxious, or unhappy due to the friendship.
• they constantly put you down;
• they make threats;
• they are isolating you from other friends;
• they are controlling your finances;
• they invalidate your feelings. 

If your friend engages in toxic or abusive behavior, prioritize your safety, well-being, and mental health above all else. Trust your gut; if a friendship feels unsafe, escape the toxicity.

Keep records of incidents, conversations, and any other relevant information. Avoid making assumptions or exaggerating, as this may give the toxic friend an opportunity to undermine your credibility.

They will still likely deny or deflect, so it is important that you remain calm and assertive and stand firm in what you are saying.

If you are experiencing gaslighting from a friend, exposing or confronting them is generally not advised. Therapist Alyssa Mancao recommends “the best way to outsmart a gaslighter is to disengage.”

She continues,

“You can show up to the discussion with a mountain of evidence, videos, recordings, and more, and a gaslighting person will still find a way to deflect, minimize, or deny. It is more worth it to walk away with your perception intact.”

As long as you have contact with the toxic friend, they may continue to manipulate and abuse you. If they are narcissistic, they might try hoovering or baiting to keep you as a source of narcissistic supply – their never-ending need for attention, admiration, and control.

By engaging with them (even if your intention is to hurt them), you are only feeding their ego. Thus, you must minimize contact with this person whenever possible. 

Consider setting clear boundaries and communicating your concerns, but if the detrimental patterns persist, cutting ties is the healthiest option. This may involve limiting communication or avoiding spaces where you know they will be present.

Do not let guilt or manipulation trap you back into the cycle. Remember, prioritizing yourself is not selfish–it is essential. 

If you fear retaliation, seek support from trusted friends, family, or professional counselors. 

3. Have a conversation in person if possible

After deciding you want to break up with a friend, having a conversation in person is a respectful and considerate approach. Opting for face-to-face communication leaves little room for misinterpretation and provides both parties with closure. 

Choose a neutral location (i.e., neither of your houses), free from distractions, and let them know you need to talk about something important. 

Start by acknowledging the friendship’s positive aspects, then express your feelings honestly and clearly, outlining the specific issues that have led to your decision. 

Use “I” statements to convey your emotions without placing blame solely on your friend. For example:

• “I have noticed that I feel drained after spending time with you” 
• “I feel like our priorities and values no longer align.” 

If your friend has displayed questionable behaviors, choosing a written form of communication, such as a carefully crafted text, may be more suitable. 

For example, you might text them saying:  

• “I have noticed a pattern of behavior that makes me uncomfortable, and I need to prioritize my well-being.”
• “After careful thought, I have decided that it is best for me to step back from our friendship (because of X, Y and Z). I wish you all the best.”

Be specific, yet avoid blame or accusations. Leave little room for miscommunication by clearly stating your intentions, whether it is reducing contact, taking a break, or ending the friendship entirely. 

Keep it concise, avoid unnecessary emotion, and keep a record of the text for potential future reference. 

Regardless of the method chosen, honesty, tact, and a focus on personal boundaries will help you to navigate this challenging conversation. 

Avoid ghosting your friend without explanation as this can be hurtful and confusing. Debatably, there can be instances where ghosting could be the right decision: 

“I had previously had a conversation with my friend about her lack of effort months before, where she promised she would change. I tried multiple times to meet up in person, but she kept canceling. I even tried to arrange a phone call to discuss things instead, which I thought would be easier for her, but she never called or acknowledged that she didn’t call. I was tired of trying to reach out and not feeling respected, so I chose to ghost. I feel bad that I don’t have solid closure, but I think this was the right decision for me.”

‘Sadie’

4. Open the conversation by saying you don’t wish to hurt them

Initiating the conversation about ending a friendship is undoubtedly delicate, and it is important to express your intentions with empathy. 

To soften the blow, prioritize their feelings and let them know that your aim is not to hurt them. For instance, you could start with a gentle opener such as:

• “I value our friendship a lot, and it is important to me that we have an open conversation about our relationship.” 
• “I have been reflecting on our friendship, and I think we need to have an honest discussion about where we stand.”

Furthermore, phrases like the following can help set the tone for an open and respectful dialogue:

• “This is not easy for me to say because your well-being matters to me, and I do not want to hurt you.” 
• “I value our friendship, but I think we need to talk honestly about some things that are not working for me.”

Clearly communicate that your decision is about personal needs and boundaries rather than placing blame. 

Avoid phrases like “It’s not you, it’s me,” as they can feel dismissive. Instead, acknowledge your shared history and express appreciation for the positive aspects of the friendship. 

When approaching the conversation with Sabrina, Rebecca started by saying, “I cherish the memories we have made, and I am grateful for your support during my difficult times,” before transitioning to her concerns. This meant the conversation was more likely to be productive and less emotionally charged. 

By opening the conversation with kindness and respect, it is more likely that both parties will find closure and you can part ways with dignity intact. 

5. Be honest but avoid blame

Honesty is paramount, but it should be framed in a way that avoids blame and helps the person understand your perspective. 

Steer away from accusatory language. Instead, share your feelings using “I” statements, emphasizing your own experiences, needs, and perceptions rather than pointing fingers. 

For instance, “I have noticed that I feel down after our hangouts,” instead of the accusatory, “you always bring negativity, and your energy is draining.”

Instead of “you never listen,” try “when we talk, I often feel unheard.”

Another example is, “I have noticed that our priorities have shifted, and I feel it is best for me to step away from our friendship and focus on X (e.g., improving my well-being).”

This shift takes the focus off their perceived flaws and onto your own experience, helping them understand without becoming defensive. 

Focus on your end goal, which is not to attack but to achieve a healthier dynamic or closure. 

Unhelpful statements like “this friendship is not fulfilling for me anymore” might leave them confused about what “fulfilling” actually means. Instead, offer specific examples like “I miss the spontaneous adventures we used to have,” or “I feel I cannot be completely myself around you.”

Another unhelpful statement might sound like, “You always prioritize other things over our friendship.” However, a more constructive one could be, “I have been feeling a shift in your priorities, and I believe it is necessary for both of us to acknowledge and discuss it.” 

Clear examples provide context and avoid ambiguity, making the conversation more productive and less hurtful. 

By staying honest while avoiding blame, you pave the way for a respectful and amicable closing of the chapter or a genuine attempt to rebuild the friendship on healthier terms.

6. Hear their response

After expressing your feelings, allow space for your friend’s response. Be prepared to accept that their reaction may not align with your expectations. 

Anticipating Sabrina’s response was nerve-wracking for Rebecca, but she intended to listen openly and with empathy. 

They may react with surprise, sadness, disagreement, or even anger. Listen actively, allowing them to share their perspective without interruption. 

Validate their feelings, even if you disagree, with phrases like, “it is understandable you are hurt” or “I respect your perspective.” Remember, your decision does not have to be validated by their acceptance. 

If they propose a solution, carefully evaluate whether it aligns with your initial decision. While they may promise to change, consider if these adjustments are sustainable and address the core issues. 

Stay true to your decision if you believe it is the right choice for your well-being. For instance, if a friend suggests making more time for the relationship but fails to acknowledge the deeper concerns, it might be a temporary fix.

Do not fall for empty promises or guilt trips–they rarely lead to lasting change. Acknowledge any solutions they propose, but stay true to your end goal. If their suggestions differ from your desired outcome, calmly reiterate your needs and boundaries. 

Phrases like, “I appreciate your willingness to change, but ultimately, I need…” or “while I hear what you are saying, I have made my decision” can be helpful. 

While a clean break might be painful, ensure your boundaries and needs are prioritized, even if it means making a tough decision for the sake of your mental health and personal growth.

7. Try to end on good terms  

Ending a friendship on a positive note can provide closure and leave the door open for future reconnection (if that is what you want). 

Rebecca acknowledged the positive aspects of her friendship with Sabrina and expressed genuine well wishes for her future. She demonstrated respect and appreciation with phrases like: 

“I value the time we have spent together, and I will always cherish the memories we have made. I genuinely wish you all the best;”

“Our paths may be going in separate ways, but I will not forget the impact you have had on my life.

Consider whether you wish to leave the door open for potential reconnection someday. If so, suggest staying connected on social media (with boundaries established, if needed) or agree to check in with each other in a year’s time. 

You could say something like, “while we may be parting ways for now, would it be okay if we check in a year from now? Things can change, and who knows what the future holds.” 

Alternatively, if you are uncertain about future contact or a clean break feels right, emphasize your decision while maintaining a respectful tone. Use phrases like, “I need time to process this, and I respect your need for space as well” or “moving forward, I think it is best for both of us to go our separate ways.”

You may find later down the line that the friend has changed for the better, or the same issues may still arise and you have to end things again:

“I ended it with my best friend of 22 years twice. Once in 2012, at 16ish years of friendship. I can’t remember what I said, basically this isn’t working. In 2015, I got a happy birthday message from her and decided to see if she had changed. In some ways, she did, but she was still exhausting to be friends with. In 2020, I ended it again via text. I hadn’t seen her in almost a year, and she wanted to get together, and I was dreading it. I knew it had to be done. I said we are different people, and I didn’t have the energy for the friendship anymore.”

‘Victoria’

Regardless of the specific words used, aiming for kindness and understanding ensures that the end of the friendship is marked by maturity and respect.

The right ending looks different for every friendship. Choose the approach that aligns with your needs and offers the closure you seek.

Key takeaways 

1. Before deciding to end a friendship, reflect on your feelings and reasons for the decision. Journaling can help make sense of emotions and express them clearly.
2. Identify recurring issues in the friendship, such as consistent plan cancellations, one-sided conversations, negativity, or lack of respect for boundaries.
3. If the friendship poses a threat to your mental health or safety, consider ending it immediately. Signs of toxicity include emotional manipulation, disrespect, abuse, control, or aggression.
4. If possible, have a conversation in person in a neutral location. Start by acknowledging positive aspects before expressing your feelings and outlining specific issues.
5. Open the conversation by expressing empathy and a desire not to hurt them. Avoid dismissive phrases like “it is not you, it is me.”
6. Communicate honestly using “I” statements, focusing on your experiences rather than blaming. Offer clear examples and avoid ambiguous statements to make the conversation productive and less hurtful.
7. Listen to your friend’s response with empathy, even if it is unexpected or you disagree with them. Evaluate any proposed solutions but stay true to your decision if they do not align with your well-being.
8. Try to end the friendship on good terms by acknowledging positive aspects and expressing well wishes for the future. Consider leaving the door open for potential reconnection, suggesting staying connected on social media or checking in after some time.
9. Stay true to your decision even if faced with promises of change or guilt trips. Ensure your boundaries and needs are prioritized for the sake of your mental health and personal growth.

References

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Cuncic, A., MA. (2023, October 24). It Sucks, But Sometimes Ending a Friendship Is Necessary—Here’s How to Do It. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-end-friendship-4174037

Happiness.com. (2023, September 21). When to end a friendship and how to do it with kindness. https://www.happiness.com/magazine/relationships/when-to-end-a-friendship-how/

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