Deciding to end a relationship with someone you care for is only the first step. Going through with the breakup and sticking to your decision afterward can still be challenging.
Breakups are difficult. Even if you’re on the same page about breaking up, it will probably still be pretty painful. Prepare yourself for this mentally.
Here are some ways you can make the experience less painful for everyone involved, and end the relationship respectfully:
1. Break Up In Person (If Possible)
Breaking up via text, voicemail, or email can seem rude and dismissive. Having the conversation in person may be the most respectful way to end a relationship.
It signals that you care enough about the other person’s feelings to meet them face-to-face and hear what they have to say.
However, if meeting in person is impractical — for instance, in a long-distance relationship — a phone call may be better than letting things drag on.
And if your partner is abusive, prioritize your safety, which may mean keeping your distance.
2. Be Direct and Clear
Your feelings for your partner might make you want to gradually lead up to the news that you’re ending things. But research shows that drawing it out can make it more painful.
Briefly stating something like “We need to talk” can help them prepare. After a few seconds to react, directly and firmly state your desire to break up.
Though initially shocking, this “ripping off the band-aid” approach may prevent prolonging the hurt and facilitate emotional recovery.
Avoid Ambiguity
To be unambiguous, you need to be clear in your mind about wanting to break up. If you’re breaking up because you want it to be a “wake-up call” or to see their reaction, that’s not a good place to start, and it’s also unfair to your partner – it’s game-playing.
Once you’re clear that you want the relationship to end, clearly communicate that to your partner. Tell them you want to speak to them about something, and pick a moment when you both have space, time, and mental capacity.
Clear communication means you tell them how you feel openly and honestly and let them know that you’ve made up your mind. Communicate what you’ve previously reflected on without ambiguity.
Ideas to incorporate into a final conversation:
Esther Perel encourages ending a relationship respectfully, regardless of duration. Break things off clearly and conclusively.
Proceed with compassion. This enables both individuals to move forward positively into their next relationships, with greater wisdom and emotional clarity, rather than disillusionment and self-doubt.
- Thank you for what I’ve experienced with you.
- This is what I take with me, from you.
- This is what I want you to take with you, from me.
- This is what I wish for you, henceforward
3. Explain Your Reasons Honestly
When breaking up with someone you love, you may want to soften the blow by being vague about why.
However, falling back on platitudes like “we’ve grown apart” could leave them feeling there’s more to the story or you haven’t been fully honest. This can make acceptance difficult.
You don’t need their permission to break up. But if you care and want to ease their transition, spelling out your reasons honestly may be best. You don’t have to be hurtful, but sugar-coating probably won’t help either.
Reflect
Before you speak to your partner about your decision, do a little bit of introspection so that you’re certain and can express yourself clearly.
- Why are you breaking up?
- Imagine your life without them
- Write your thoughts down in a journal
- Think about what you’ll say
4. Listen and Have Empathy
You’re in this together, so it’s important that your partner also feels heard and listened to. They may have things they want to express and discuss.
If they weren’t aware of your plan to end the relationship, they might be quite shocked, so have empathy for that and give them time to process.
If you’ve made up your mind, don’t let them talk you out of it (unless that’s what you want as well).
Consider Their Attachment Style
Your partner’s attachment style will likely influence how they react to being broken up with.
- A securely attached person will likely accept what you’re saying and express their emotions calmly.
- An avoidantly attached person may act as though they don’t care, agree with you, and walk away from the situation pretty quickly.
- An anxiously attached person might become very emotional, cling, and beg you to stay. Breaking up can trigger their greatest fears: rejection and abandonment.
- A person with a disorganized attachment could go either way: they might say hurtful things, shout at you, cling, and become very emotional. Or, they might act like they don’t care and walk away.
Their reaction shouldn’t impact your decision, but it’s good to be aware of how attachment styles affect how a person behaves in a relationship and when they’re being broken up with.
5. Cut Off Contact for at Least a Month
You both need time to adjust to being apart. Meanwhile, any contact will likely reinforce attachment, drawing out the emotional recovery process.
It’s hard to predict when seeing them will no longer hurt. But 30 days or more of no contact should help dull the initial sting.
Also, it’s best to avoid snooping on their social media, as even photos can trigger cravings like those for addictive substances. Some time out of sight, out of mind may help.
6. Don’t Rush Into Friendship
If you genuinely care for them, it may be tempting to replace the romantic relationship with a platonic one. However, experts advise against attempting this transition right away.
With emotions still raw after the breakup and used to romance, maintaining platonic boundaries can be very difficult. This often leads to misunderstandings, hurt feelings, and lingering attachments.
It may also spur romantic/sexual behavior that makes splitting up even more painful. Allowing for some time as strangers first may better allow for friendship later.
Avoid “Let’s Be Friends”
You might be able to be friends eventually, but in the immediate aftermath of a breakup, take some time apart without communication.
Avoid social media stalking – deactivate your account or block them if you’re finding it too difficult not to look at their profile.
Staying in contact may confuse both of you.
7. Allow Yourself to Feel Bad
You may have complicated feelings about the breakup, especially when ending things with someone you truly care for.
Generally, it’s best to accept whatever comes up instead of repressing emotions. Research shows suppression may only reinforce them long-term, potentially harming health and psychological well-being.
It is better to acknowledge feelings like sadness, anger, worry, and find healthy outlets through trusted friends, writing, etc.
Ask for Support and Prioritize Self-Care
Breaking up can be difficult and painful, even when it’s your decision. So, ask for support and lean on your friends and family to help you through this time.
Process what’s happened and take time to heal. Avoid numbing and unhealthy coping strategies like partying, drugs, alcohol, sleeping around, etc.
Allow yourself to experience the full range of emotions – you’re essentially going through a period of grief, and it’s okay not to be okay for a while.
Do things you enjoy, spend time with friends, focus on your interests and hobbies, and take it easy.
Therapy
Sometimes, it’s good to have the support of a trained professional to help you through the breakup and the aftermath. If the relationship is abusive, read our advice on leaving an abusive relationship.
8. Rituals for Breakups
Rituals are used during and after breakups and divorces as a way to help us internalize that our relationship is over but WE are not.
According to Esther Perel, breakup rituals mindfully transition you away from the remnants of the past relationship and point you toward renewed self-care, individuality, and optimism as you move forward. The purpose is therapeutic healing through ceremonial closure.
- Removing belongings – This act of packing up and removing an ex’s possessions from your personal space provides closure. It signals a tangible end to the daily reminders of that person.
- Breakup letters – Writing out your thoughts and feelings in a letter can help process the end of the relationship, even if you don’t send it. Putting emotions into words brings clarity, helps you acknowledge the loss, and facilitates healing. Space for grief does not preclude kindness. Letters penned may air grievances, but we needn’t mail them.
- Visiting significant places – Revisiting meaningful locations from the relationship and consciously saying goodbye allows you to honor the past while letting go to move forward.
- Journaling – Processing feelings through writing helps manage the grief and find insight. Externalizing the internal provides perspective.
- Self-dates – Going out on planned dates with yourself allows you to practice shifting the identity and focus that was previously placed on your partner back onto yourself. This reinforces your sense of self-worth.
These rituals aim to process our own emotions, not to punish ex-partners. While rituals can provide closure and comfort, we must be mindful that there is another person who likely feels sadness and loss as well. Breakups require compassion.
