You may have contemplated whether you should break up with your partner for a while and concluded that it’s the only way forward. However, you might still be vacillating between staying and going.
Relationship ambivalence is difficult to deal with – one moment, you’re happy and want to be with that person forever; the next moment, you have mixed feelings about the relationship’s viability, or contradictory attitudes towards your partner.
In healthy relationships, some ambivalence is normal during major life transitions such moving in together, job changes, deaths in the family, etc. It becomes problematic when it frequently spirals into unrelenting criticism, contempt, or withdrawal from one’s partner.
According to Esther Perel, the core issues that challenge relationships include indifference, contempt, neglect, and disrespect through non-physical violence.
1. Indifference
Esther Perel describes indifference as that “coldness that creeps in,” a sense of profound estrangement where your partner’s inner world – their struggles, dreams, vulnerabilities – no longer matters to you.
Such numb disregard signals the relationship’s light has dimmed, leaving an alienating distance between partners.
When you start to feel like the other person fundamentally does not really care about you anymore, the relationship loses all intimacy.
This indifference conveys the implicit message that “you are insignificant to me now.”
When indifference takes root, one cannot help but forget anniversaries, tune out during vulnerable conversations, and neglect emotional needs. The things we do for those we truly cherish hold no importance anymore.
Unmet needs
Partners may have certain non-negotiable needs – such as emotional closeness and availability – that reflect their fundamental attachment styles, love language, and values. When core needs go chronically unmet, it signals indifference or neglect from the other person, making the relationship untenable for the person being denied.
For example, if emotional closeness is very important to you but your partner is avoidant of emotional closeness, that can be a problem.
Unaddressed fundamental mismatches of emotional needs often lead partners to break up and seek more fulfilling bonds elsewhere. Compromise may temporarily bridge gaps, but sustained acceptance of indifference damages individuals.
As indifference takes root, contempt and neglect tend to follow as ways that emotional withdrawal and lack of concern towards your partner then get communicated or enacted through dismissive behaviors over time. Both contempt and neglect stem from underlying indifference that has developed in the relationship.
2. Contempt
Contempt deals the final blow to so many relationships. More than frustration or disappointment, contempt contains disgust and utter disdain for one’s partner. It entails actively degraded perceptions of their worth and dignity as a human being.
As Esther Perel notes, contempt conveys through words, actions, or even a look that “you are nothing to me.”
Contempt differs from mere criticism or judgment in its depth of meanness and belittling. It often manifests in biting sarcasm, hostile humor, and demeaning accusations.
But most powerfully, it shows in nonverbal expressions of disgust and superiority. An eye roll, curled lip, abrupt turn away – such body language uncomfortably reveals someone’s bitter regard.
3. Neglect
Neglect refers to taking your partner for granted, investing little time and effort into understanding their needs. This neglect manifests the indifference now present towards nurturing intimacy.
Neglect seeps in when a boyfriend takes his girlfriend for granted. He diligently upgrades his gaming console and car, yet cannot remember the date night she suggested.
He actively tracks his fitness app and fantasy football roster, but tunes her out when she shares dreams or stresses. He scratches the dog behind the ears, yet withdraws from affectionate touch with her.
This neglect signals she no longer holds priority in his mind and heart. Her emotional needs fail to compel his care and attention the way work crises or friends’ calls do. He assumes her steadfast presence regardless, so relegates her to leftover energy and distracted fragments of time.
But such complacency grieves. It conveys “this relationship can coast on autopilot.” It presumes the bonds anchoring their intimacy require no vigilant nurturing.
4. Disrespect: non-physical violence
Disrespecting a partner by taking frustrations out on them can be defined as directing angry, critical, and aggressive language or behavior toward one’s significant other as a way to vent about external stressors or relationship problems rather than engaging in calm, thoughtful conflict resolution.
It scapegoats the partner, conveying a lack of care or concern for their dignity and wellbeing in the heat of the moment.
Non-physical violence, such as blame, microaggressions, resentment, and passive-aggressiveness, can emotionally damage a relationship over time. These behaviors constitute a form of violence that destroys intimacy and connection.
Rather than receive consistent emotional shelter and nurturing, the partner facing such violence must instead brace for regular criticism, debates over basic needs, disgusted looks, and aggressive avoidance.
Their expressions of creativity, joy, sadness, or fear no longer elicit engaged empathy but rather cold indifference or fiery retaliation.
This leaves victims psychologically isolated – stripped of dignity and safety in what should be the most intimate of spaces.
Eventually, the cumulative trauma ruptures the shared purpose and passion once enveloping the relationship, replacing it with estrangement and profound depletion.
You have a controlling partner
Controlling behaviors manifest in different ways but stem from deep insecurity and erode healthy connections.
Perhaps frequent guilt-tripping, criticism over small choices, isolating you from friends/family, aggressively dictating financial decisions or personal goals, even physical intimidation.
Whatever the methods, the message is clear – they need to be in charge, even at your expense.
Other reasons to breakup include:
5. You can’t be yourself around him
When someone feels they can’t relax into being fully themselves in their intimate relationship, it infringes upon emotional intimacy and erodes the foundation of mutual care, trust, and respect that relationships require to thrive.
It directly ties to Esther Perel’s description of how indifference manifestly destroys loving connections through dismissal of a partner’s personhood – rejection of not just what they do but who they fundamentally are.
Not feeling free to be authentic around your partner is an undeniable red flag that it’s time to let the relationship go.
Even if there are wonderful aspects between you – strong affection, fun adventures, supportive actions – the foundation is lacking if you feel compelled to pretend, hide things, or curb elements of your personality. That lack of openness and acceptance will only breed unhappiness and even resentment over time.
Feeling like you can fully share your weird quirks, deepest values, controversial opinions, creative passions – basically anything and everything that makes you uniquely YOU – is so vital.
You’re not the version of yourself you like best
It’s understandable to feel you aren’t your best self in a relationship that is no longer fulfilling. We all have an ideal vision of who we want to become – our best selves. It can be deeply dissatisfying when your partner doesn’t complement your personality or inspire that vision.
You may notice behaviors or patterns emerging in yourself that you don’t recognize or like. This erosion of self-confidence and identity can be gradual, but the effects are profound.
Really reflect – are your partner’s traits, habits, values, or goals somehow stifling your growth? Do they no longer add positively to your life? Does the relationship lack intimacy – that ability to support one another’s dreams? If so, it likely means you’ve outgrown each other to some degree or are mismatched.
As hard as it is, this realization is an opportunity. Removing this relationship that doesn’t serve who you want to be creates space for one that does. It allows you to reconnect with your fundamental values, passions, and voice.
6. Incompatible values
If your values don’t align with your partner’s, that can get in the way of a future together.
Values are the things that are important to you in life. For example:
- You want to get married and have children, but your partner doesn’t
- They want to travel and live abroad, but you want to stay where you are
- You want an open relationship, but they don’t
- Your preferred lifestyle (e.g., living on a farm in the middle of nowhere) isn’t compatible with what your partner wants
- One partner avoids vulnerability, while the other longs for intimate connection
When there’s a clash of values, wants, and personalities, love is sometimes not enough to make the relationship work.
7. staying due to some form of obligation
It’s so easy to fall into the obligation trap when relationships run their course.
Whether it’s the years invested or shared social circles, financial entanglements, living situations, the fear of hurting them, or just plain habit – ending things when they aren’t right can feel overwhelmingly difficult. But staying with someone out of obligation, not love, erodes the soul.
Are you compromising your emotional needs and avoiding hard conversations to keep the peace? Do you feel drained more often than energized by their presence? Are you scared that you’ll be lonely or regret it if you leave?
Those are all signs this relationship has expired. As painful as it is in the moment, choosing to let go of self-love can lead to immense relief and opportunity for happiness.
The longer you stay out of duty, the more your light dims. And your partner deserves to be with someone who loves them fully. Have courage and faith in yourself.
8. Codependency
Codependency is a complex condition that’s characterized by excessive emotional or psychological dependence on a partner – usually someone who needs support due to an illness or addiction.
Codependency can mean you stay in an unhealthy relationship out of a sense of obligation. Ask yourself:
- Are you staying because you feel obligated to?
- Do you think your partner wouldn’t manage without you? Have they told you as much?
- Have they threatened to hurt themselves if you leave?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, it might be healthier for you and your partner to end the relationship.
The unhealthy dynamic of codependency violates the ethical care that should flow mutually in intimate bonds.
As Esther Perel contends, relationships thrive through partners showing up with full presence for each other during times of struggle. This requires compassion and attentiveness to the other’s needs.
Should we stay together? Think before calling it quits
Relationship ambivalence stems from uncertainty about the future of the relationship and not being aligned on its viability or value.
It reflects doubts, unmet needs, and lacking the skills to healthily work through challenges together as a couple. Ambivalence drains energy and erodes intimacy over time.
So, if there’s ambiguity in your mind, consider the following factors before you make your decision.
Social Media
Social media comes with many benefits, but of course, there are some drawbacks, too. One of these is that people carefully curate what they show on social media, giving the impression that their life and relationships are “perfect”.
It’s natural to compare yourself to others (even when you know it’s tailored and styled), and when you see what other couples are like, it might make you feel you’re missing out, or your relationship or partner isn’t as good.
Also, being connected with the whole world means there are a million temptations, offers, and options, and that might make it more difficult to be happy with just one person.
Avoidant Attachment Style
An avoidant attachment style is associated with a strong need for independence and avoidance of emotional closeness.
Avoidants can feel smothered by relationships, and even when they love their partner, they might push them away because closeness feels uncomfortable to them.
So, if you have an avoidant attachment style, you might be looking for problems in a relationship that’s actually good and healthy. You might be looking for reasons to break up because you feel your independence is being taken from you.
High Expectations
In the current age of self-love and boundaries, our expectations of other people can sometimes become unrealistic. As relationship expert Esther Perel says:
“Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?”
So, before you break up with the person you love because they’re not meeting every one of your needs, ask yourself: am I asking too much? Does my partner need to be a whole village?
If the relationship drags you down more than lifts you up, consider letting go. But don’t assume the grass looks greener elsewhere. Evaluate what truly feeds your soul.
Ask Yourself These Questions
Finally, here are a few questions for you to contemplate. In our fast-paced world, many people end relationships without trying hard enough to make things work.
If you don’t want to work on things, that indicates that you want the relationship to be over.
However, remember that you’re the one in charge of your life, and you have to make the decision that’s best for you – these are just some considerations to make.
- Have you tried everything to make it work?
- Have you communicated your feelings?
- Have you set boundaries? Have you communicated your needs?
- Have you tried counseling or workshops or reading books on the topic?
- Have you worked on your insecurities and the things your partner doesn’t like?
- Have you given your partner the chance to work on the things you don’t like?
- Are you expecting too much of the relationship?
- What are the consequences of staying in the relationship, and what of leaving?
Professor of psychology and relationship expert John Gottman said, “End hurtful dating relationships as soon as possible. Why prolong the pain when you can get out and find something that’s right for you?”
If your relationship is more pain than joy, and more conflict than agreement, ending the relationship might be the best thing for both of you.
Be mindful of the fact that leaving a relationship requires some preparation.
