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What does it mean for a relationship to fail? Should a relationship ending always be considered a ‘failure’?

Relationships can teach valuable lessons and help individuals grow, even if they don’t last forever. The experiences and insights gained can benefit future relationships and personal development.

Relationships fail for many reasons, and every situation and dynamic is unique.

There’s usually more than one reason why a relationship fails—it’s often a combination of various factors that make partners feel unsatisfied and unhappy.

A couple facing away from each other looking upset and arms crossed. A broken heart concept in the background.

Gottman’s Four Horsemen

The renowned psychologist and relationship expert John Gottman has studied relationships extensively and found “the four horsemen of the apocalypse” for relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

According to Gottman’s research, these negative communication patterns are strong predictors of divorce.

Gottman also emphasizes that all couples engage in these behaviors at times. The key is how frequently they occur and whether they are balanced out by more positive interactions.

Gottman recommends that for every negative interaction during conflict, a stable relationship has five (or more) positive interactions.

1. Criticism

Criticism involves attacking your partner’s character or personality, rather than focusing on a specific behavior. It’s marked by blaming, accusations, and generalizations. Persistent criticism can make your partner feel assaulted, rejected, and hurt.

It often involves statements such as “you always” or “you never”. For example, “You never consider my feelings – you’re so selfish!” or “You never do anything around the house – you’re so lazy!”

Criticism leads to:

Erosion of self-esteem – constantly being attacked and criticized will chip away at a person’s self-esteem and make them feel inadequate, unworthy, and unloved.
Communication breakdown – becoming emotionally distant and defensive as a result of feeling judged and attacked.
Resentment – feeling unappreciated and unvalued leads to resentment, frustration, and emotional distance.
Trust issues – criticism undermines emotional safety and trust.
Weakened intimacy – feeling judged and criticized damages emotional connection and sexual desire.
Diminished relationship satisfaction.

2. Contempt

Contempt is the worst of the four horsemen. It involves treating your partner with disrespect, disgust, condescension, or ridicule and implies superiority towards your partner.

Contempt can be expressed through insults, name-calling, hostile humor, mockery, eye-rolling, sneering, or malicious sarcasm.

It conveys the message that you’re superior and your partner is worthless. Contempt is highly toxic to a relationship.

Therefore, contempt can contribute to relationship failure as it leads to:

Lack of respect – contempt is the result of lacking respect for your partner. Without respect, a relationship is bound to fail.
Emotional harm – contempt leads the victim to feel shame, distress, and worthlessness, and damages their self-esteem and well-being.
Communication breakdown – sarcasm, mockery, criticism, and insults are not effective tools of communication. They prevent the couple from resolving conflict and addressing issues constructively – in fact, they lead to more conflict.
Destruction of trust – it’s difficult to trust someone who treats you with contempt and shows you no respect.
Poor health – being exposed to ongoing contempt can negatively impact a person’s mental and physical health due to stress, anxiety, and depression.
Decreased relationship satisfaction.

3. Defensiveness

Defensiveness is typically a response to criticism. When we feel accused or attacked, we often respond with defensiveness, making excuses, denying responsibility, or even counter-attacking.

Denying responsibility and deflecting blame because you think the other is criticizing or blaming you.

For example, you might ask your partner, “Hey, did you remember to get tomatoes at the supermarket?”

If they’re defensive, they might reply, “You didn’t write it on the list, so obviously, I didn’t get it. Just do it yourself next time.”

While defensiveness is understandable, it doesn’t solve problems. Instead, it escalates tension and creates an adversarial interaction.

Defensiveness can contribute to relationship failure because it leads to:

Communication breakdown – it hinders open and honest communication and doesn’t allow conflicts to be resolved effectively.
Lack of accountability – instead of listening and working towards a solution, a defensive person deflects blame and makes excuses, which can make conflicts worse.
Loss of connection – it creates emotional barriers and distance, making it difficult to maintain a close and trusting connection.
Resentment and hostility – constant defensiveness can lead to feelings of frustration and anger and thereby undermine the quality of the relationship.
Diminished relationship satisfaction.

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling is when one partner completely withdraws from the interaction, shutting down, withdrawing physically and/or emotionally, and refusing to engage with the other, usually during conflict or disagreement.

Stonewalling is a form of ostracism (social rejection and exclusion) and, therefore, evokes a strong emotional response.

The stonewaller might tune out, turn away, act busy, or engage in obsessive behaviors. It’s a way of avoiding conflict, but it can be very hurtful and frustrating for the partner on the receiving end.

From an evolutionary perspective, being sensitive to signs of ostracism was vital for survival in hunter-gatherer days, as social isolation had fatal consequences.

That’s why, to this day, feeling ostracized is interpreted by the mind and brain as a threat and makes us feel anxious and depressed.

If stonewalling is a common occurrence, it can have a detrimental impact on the health of the relationship as it leads to:

Emotional damage – feeling ostracized undermines your fundamental need to belong and makes you feel like you’re unimportant and unworthy of their attention.
Communication breakdown – it shuts down communication and therefore makes it impossible to address issues and resolve conflict. Without open and honest communication, issues will fester, and resentment will grow.
Heightened conflict – rather than resolving conflict, it creates more conflict, anger, frustration, and distress.
Damages emotional connection – feeling ignored and dismissed creates emotional distance and makes it difficult to trust and feel close to your partner.
Decreased relationship satisfaction.

Unresolved Conflict

Every relationship has issues and unresolved conflicts – the important part is how they’re dealt with. Avoiding the issues and pretending they don’t exist creates distance between people and can lead to resentment, tension, and disengagement.

The result is unmet needs, and one or both partners harbor negative feelings towards the other. Small issues snowball and fester and can eventually explode in unexpected ways, which may cause irreversible damage.

When conflicts fester without resolution, criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling tend to arise and become increasingly destructive cycles.

Criticism: When conflicts go unresolved, partners may become increasingly critical of each other. Instead of addressing specific behaviors or issues, they may start attacking each other’s character or personality. Persistent unresolved issues can lead to a climate of constant criticism.
Contempt: Unresolved conflicts can breed resentment and contempt. When people feel their concerns are not being heard or addressed, they may start viewing their partner in a purely negative light and lose respect for them. Contemptuous behaviors like mockery, name-calling, and eye-rolling may arise.
Defensiveness: If conflicts remain unresolved, one or both partners may become defensive. They may deny responsibility, make excuses, or meet complaints with counter-complaints instead of working collaboratively to address the underlying issues. Chronic defensiveness prevents productive conflict resolution.
Stonewalling: Persistently unresolved conflict can eventually lead to stonewalling, where one partner completely disengages and withdraws from interaction. They may tune out, stop responding, or even physically leave during conflicts. Stonewalling usually happens when people feel overwhelmed and hopeless about resolving issues.

Unresolved conflict often signifies and perpetuates deeper trust issues in the relationship. If conflicts persist without resolution, partners may start doubting each other’s commitment to the relationship and willingness to put in the effort to work through problems.

They may feel uncertain about each other’s intentions, dependability, and whether they can count on each other to have their back.

Trust Issues

Trust is eroded when partners don’t feel safe being vulnerable and open with each other, which is less likely when conflicts go unaddressed.

Resentment and emotional walls build up, making it harder to maintain the safety, goodwill, and benefit of the doubt essential for trust.

Betrayal, dishonesty, and breaches of trust can severely damage a couple’s sense of security and closeness and ultimately break the bond between partners. It contributes to relationship failure in several ways:

Partners struggle to open up and fully connect on an emotional level.
Trust issues can manifest as jealousy, suspicion, and insecurity about the partner’s actions and intentions – constantly questioning their loyalty, going through their phone, spying/stalking, etc.
Partners may withhold information, avoid communication, and become defensive.
It can lead to a negative cycle in which insecurity and mistrust lead to behaviors that further erode trust.
Without trust, a relationship cannot be healthy and fulfilling.

There’s often a vicious cycle where unresolved issues and dysfunctional conflict patterns like the “four horsemen” erode trust, which fuels further conflict and resolves even harder.

Breaking this cycle requires a commitment to developing healthier conflict resolution and rebuilding trust and emotional safety.

Mismatched Expectations

Cultural and societal factors can shape our expectations and experiences in relationships. In some cases, cultural norms, gender roles, and societal pressures can lead to misunderstandings, boredom, conflict, and dissatisfaction and negatively impact the relationship.

Expectations can often lead to disappointment.

If partners don’t align on important values, goals, and expectations, it can lead to conflict, and if there’s no resolution, it can lead to a breakdown in the relationship. For example,

Frank wants to get married and have children, but Lara doesn’t.
Steve wants to open up the relationship (non-monogamy), but Jane wants to stay monogamous.
Calvin would like to spend most of his free time with Chloe, but she prefers meeting up once a week.
Brianna wants to travel and see the world, but her partner Jada wants to buy a house and settle down.

While these couples can work towards finding common ground, sometimes these different expectations can’t be resolved.

Be mindful of how social media can influence expectations of romantic relationships.

Lack of Intimacy

Intimacy is the glue that holds a relationship together. It makes partners feel like a team, like they’re building a life together.

Without intimacy, partners can start to feel like they’re simply coexisting. They may stop trying to spend quality time together, keep the spark alive, or work towards shared goals. Over time, they may drift apart and feel like they no longer have a shared life.

If emotional, physical, and/or sexual intimacy is missing from a relationship, it can contribute to relationship failure in several ways:

It creates emotional distance and leads to feelings of loneliness and relationship dissatisfaction.
Without emotional intimacy, trust is eroded, communication can become strained and superficial, and it can be more difficult to resolve conflicts and clearly express needs.
It can lead to infidelity as partners search for intimacy and closeness elsewhere.
Intimacy fosters a sense of safety and trust, allowing partners to express their needs, concerns, and conflicts openly. Without that foundation of intimacy, partners may feel less safe being vulnerable with each other. They may avoid difficult conversations, bottle up resentments, or resort to criticism and defensiveness. This can lead to a breakdown in communication and problem-solving.

Incompatibility

While no two people are perfectly compatible in every way, significant incompatibilities that are not effectively addressed can lead to ongoing conflict, frustration, and eventual relationship breakdown.

Here’s how various types of incompatibility can contribute to relationship failure:

Values and Life Goals: If partners have fundamentally different values or visions for their life, it can be difficult to find common ground. For example, if one partner wants children and the other doesn’t, or if one prioritizes career and the other prioritizes family, these differences can lead to ongoing conflict and a sense that partners are not working towards the same future.
Communication Styles: If partners have very different communication styles, it can lead to frequent misunderstandings and frustrations. For example, if one partner is very direct and the other is more subtle and indirect, they may struggle to understand each other’s needs and intentions. If one partner tends to be more emotional and the other more logical during conflicts, they may find it hard to find a resolution.
Personality Differences: While opposites can sometimes attract, significant personality differences can lead to ongoing friction. For example, if one partner is highly extroverted and the other is very introverted, they may struggle to find a balance in their social life that works for both of them. If one is highly organized and the other is more spontaneous, they may clash over daily living habits.
Intimacy and Affection: Incompatibilities in sex drive, sexual preferences, or desired level of affection can lead to ongoing frustration and feelings of rejection. If these differences are not openly communicated and accommodated, one or both partners may feel chronically unfulfilled.

Incompatibility in certain areas doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship will fail.

Still, both partners need to be open and understanding and foster good communication and compromise – if this is missing, it can become problematic.

Couples with significant incompatibilities may constantly battle over differences, feel misunderstood or unfulfilled, and wonder if they’re really with the right person.

Unhealthy Dynamics

Some relationships descend into unhealthy dynamics, such as manipulation, control, abuse, or codependency.

How Toxic and Abusive Dynamics Ruin Relationships:

Trust and the fundamental expectation of safety and respect are violated.
Emotional damage (shame, fear, worthlessness, low self-esteem, etc.) makes it difficult/impossible to maintain a healthy relationship.
Control can lead to resentment and power struggle.
Constant arguments, unreasonable expectations, hot-cold behavior, and second-guessing are exhausting, and the victim might disengage emotionally and mentally to cope.
The cycle of violence, characterized by periods of abuse followed by apologies, promises of change, and temporary periods of calm, leads to confusion, dependence, guilt, and shame.
A toxic/abusive relationship is bound to fail in terms of satisfaction and fulfillment. However, due to control and manipulation (and other factors), victims often find it difficult to leave and end the relationship.

How Codependency Can Lead to Relationship Failure

Lack of boundaries – the codependent prioritizes their partner’s needs and feelings, which can lead to resentment, frustration, and imbalance.
Codependents enable destructive behaviors such as addiction, irresponsibility, or poor self-care. This perpetuates unhealthy patterns and prevents them from thriving individually and in the relationship.
Dependency and control – the other partner relies heavily on the codependent for emotional support and validation. While this can be overwhelming for the codependent, it also gives them a sense of being needed and in control and, therefore, perpetuates the negative cycle.
It’s a one-sided relationship that fails to meet partners’ needs effectively.

Codependency is a destructive yet addictive dynamic, meaning it’s unhealthy for both individuals but very difficult to get out of (due to dependence).

Sources

Gottman, J.M. & Levenson, R.W. (1992) Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221-33.

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