What intimacy means to a man depends on his personality, upbringing, attachment style, and socialization. One of the men I spoke to said, “What intimacy means is a personal thing. Saying “this is what men think intimacy is” is a huge generalization.”
Nevertheless, there is a widespread generalization that men put a lot more importance on the physical side of intimacy than women.
Society has historically expected men to be strong and emotionless, and “toxic masculinity” teaches us that a man is weak when he shows emotions and talks about his feelings. The old “boys don’t cry” narrative.
This way of thinking may create a vicious cycle as men may feel they cannot express themselves authentically and struggle to open up because they’re worried that they’ll be perceived as weak and, therefore, “less manly”.
As a result, they may suppress their emotions and focus more on sex to feel intimate, which then perpetuates the stereotype that men are “only interested in the sex” and “don’t have any emotions”.
Or maybe it’s true, and most men are naturally inclined to favor physical intimacy over emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and experiential types of intimacy.
What do men have to say about this? Does their idea of intimacy involve all aspects of intimacy? Or are they only interested in sex, as is commonly believed?
I spoke to eight guys about what intimacy means to them, what makes them feel more intimate, and what gets in the way of intimacy. Here’s a summary of their responses.
What Enhances Intimacy for Men?
Intimacy encompasses closeness, trust, understanding, connection, familiarity, mutual affection, physical touch, and sex. All these factors were important to the men I spoke to, and for most of them, there wasn’t a single factor that was more valuable than the others – true intimacy contains them all.
Physical Touch and Sex
It’s commonly believed that for men, sex and emotional connection are separate things. However, the men I spoke to think that sex and physical closeness are important for intimacy, and I’m sure it’s the same for many women.
Ricky said, “Sex is important. It’s always special to get intimate with someone you love.”
Marlin agreed, “For me, intimacy is about feeling physically connected with someone. Physical touch is definitely one of my love languages.”
Why is sex important?
In Jason’s opinion, “When bodies work together and match each other, that feels very intimate because you’re in tune with each other.”
Andy thinks it’s about vulnerability, “You’re vulnerable when you’re having sex with someone, so it creates a kind of connection and familiarity. But it’s more than sex, it’s also things like being the small spoon or the leaner on the sofa.”
He added, “But of course, a random, joyous, and intense sexual experience is incredibly intimate.”
Eric had a different opinion, “Honestly, I don’t think sex is necessary for intimacy at all. It’s taken a long time for me to understand that intimacy doesn’t require sex. Really, it’s a porn problem because, subconsciously, it cheapens intimacy and suppresses the emotions you need to really connect with someone and experience real intimacy.”
It’s true that watching too much porn (especially of a certain type) is unhealthy on many levels, including for your ability to experience intimacy by having sex. In most porn, sex is just entertainment and depicted as a purely physical thing.
Sex is, of course, a physical act, but from my conversations, it’s clear that men do appreciate the emotional and spiritual closeness sex can bring.
So maybe we can conclude that “Intimacy is way beyond sex – but of course, that’s part of it too,” as Rasheed put it.
Beyond the Physical
All the men I spoke to put a lot of emphasis on the non-physical aspects of intimacy. Brendan summarized this well when he said, “Real intimacy is about creating a deep connection that goes beyond the physical aspects.”
A few themes that emerged were:
Familiarity
As Jason put it, “Being at ease and being able to just be myself without worrying or hiding anything. You make each other laugh, and you’re silly together. Letting one rip in front of your partner is true intimacy!”
Feeling Cared for and Understood
Men want to feel cared for and understood, just like women do too. Their specific needs may be different and naturally, they vary from person to person, but all the men I spoke to touched on this theme.
Eric said, “Intimacy to me is to be held and soothed, being seen for who I am and how far I’ve come. It’s about bringing me back to the moment, taking me away from fear and worry about the world.”
For Brendan, it was obvious that, although men might not say so, they also want emotional closeness, and need to feel accepted and appreciated. He said, “Men want to be emotionally supported and understood, just like women do.”
According to Jason, “It’s about being there for one another, going through the good and the bad times, feeling like someone is your close confidant who is there to help you.”
Rasheed added, “Bringing me peace and taking an interest in my interests. It’s also about understanding boundaries and tough decisions – respect. And little things like getting me meds when I’m sick.”
Having empathy and listening was important to Keenan, who said, “You need to feel like your partner really cares about what you’re saying and actually listens. I need to feel supported and like my partner is on my side no matter what.”
Sharing Emotions and Experiences
Another theme that arose was that sharing emotions and experiences can make a man feel closer to his partner. Here’s what the men I spoke to said:
“Cooking meals for us, chatting for hours about random things, and making me laugh.”
“Sharing things that you wouldn’t necessarily share with others. Private things like your fears and doubts, the ups and downs of life, and encouraging one another.”
“Shared experiences. I feel closest to her when we do things together.”
“Intimacy is also all the gossip and knowledge you learn about others like their family, friends, and work. The stuff that goes deep. You must be mixed up in each other’s business, like Ribena and water, to experience that real intimacy.”
“Shared experiences and spending quality time together make intimacy easier to achieve and maintain.”
“Missing someone is intimate. Those thoughts you have about what you’ve shared are very intimate.”
Safety and Trust
It was clear from the responses that men (like women) need to feel safe to be able to share their inner world with another person.
Marlin said, “When I trust someone, that brings out a want in me to be intimate with them.”
When I asked Ricky whether he finds it difficult to be intimate with people, he said, “As long as I trust that person, I don’t find it difficult to share my emotions with them.”
Men also seek safety and comfort from their partners. It’s a tough world out there, and knowing that someone has your back is as important to men as it is to women.
As Eric said, “When I don’t feel good enough or when I’m anxious, I seek closeness and want my partner to lift me up and make me feel safe.”
Andy feels that “Intimacy has a protective quality – you give and receive protection on a physical and psychological level.”
Intimacy with Yourself
When we speak of intimacy, we’re usually referring to a between-person dynamic. But what about the relationship we have with ourselves? Can you foster intimacy with yourself? Ricky thought so and said:
“I used to skinny dip in the summer. No one would know I was there even if they walked past 10 meters away. Sitting among trees in the ice-cold fresh spring water butt naked. I wouldn’t really do that if other people were around, I’d stay in my boxers.”
He feels comfortable in his own company, and even though he didn’t put it into these words, it was clear from our conversation that he feels connected to himself.
If you don’t have a close relationship with yourself, you can’t really be intimate with other people either. Maybe some men (or people rather) are not emotionally open with themselves and, therefore haven’t developed the thought processes and language necessary for intimacy.
As the saying goes “People can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves” (Matt Kahn).
What Gets in the Way of Intimacy for Men
This is a big question as it’s not just about the individual but the way we view and treat men as a society.
As I touched on in the introduction, societal expectations and our socialization have a lot to do with why some men may struggle with intimacy.
But it’s not only that – every man has had a unique upbringing and has a different attachment style and personality, and that also plays a role in a man’s need and desire for intimacy.
Brendan said, “Intimacy is a big black hole for most men. When most of them are asked how they feel or to discuss an emotional topic, it makes them feel uncomfortable and vulnerable.”
He added, “Society and upbringing are fundamental reasons why men struggle with intimacy. I grew up with three sisters and I think that made it easier for me to be intimate. I’m very comfortable opening up and being vulnerable – it’s a personal choice.”
In Keenan’s opinion, “Many men think that speaking about and showing emotions is for women. They think they should be strong and show no mercy or feelings. But although many men struggle to open up, they also seek emotional support, connection, and understanding. I don’t think men can feel intimate or close to someone unless those things are there.”
Eric said, “As a man, it feels really easy for my brain to fall into a panic about what’s expected of me – a weight of responsibility. I feel like there’s pressure to achieve something, to be a provider and dominate life, rather than to just live it. When someone can make me feel like I don’t need to achieve anything to be loved, that’s a very high level of intimacy for me.”
What About on a Personal Level?
Marlin thinks men might close off when they feel they can’t meet their partner’s expectations. These expectations may partly be due to what society expects a man to provide and how it expects a man to behave – and men likely put these expectations on themselves as well.
Ricky said, for him, “Misunderstanding and lack of communication can get in the way of intimacy.”
Rasheed also mentioned communication, “when a woman doesn’t take time to understand what you’re trying to communicate in a disagreement; when she deals with disagreements illogically or irrationally; and when you feel you and your boundaries have been disrespected. All of that can cause a man to disconnect emotionally. The emotional disconnection can also lead to sexual disconnection, which can lead to cheating.”
For Eric, it’s about relationship anxiety, “Sometimes I get this existential worry that I’m not good enough. It makes me feel desperate and causes me to shut down emotionally and not experience intimacy authentically – in those moments, all I want is to take and be validated. Intimacy shouldn’t be about taking, which I think is a big problem for men – they expect their other half to provide and give emotionally, while they just take. It’s about appreciating the experience and beauty of connection and closeness.”
Andy’s thoughts were, “We can end up in a cycle of watching TV shows and sitting down and eating, which is perfect for the cultivation of a decadent relationship. But you need to push each other and make sure your relationship stays exciting or at least interesting.”
He added, “There’s nothing more irritating than someone who thinks they know you better than you know yourself. When they think they know your past, especially when it comes to previous relationships. That kinda thing makes me shut down.”
Emancipation From Toxic Masculinity
“Men who believe emotions are “for women” struggle to connect with their own emotions”, according to Jason. And it’s true; if you’re emotionally closed off, you can’t experience true intimacy.
He believes that some men’s rejection of intimacy comes from a place of fear, “it’s fear of losing control, of no longer being the alpha in the relationship. Some men want to be in control of the relationship dynamic. They think that if they’re too vulnerable or give a woman too much, they’ll be seen as weak.”
Women aren’t innocent in all of this because they’ve also been socialized to believe the “boys don’t cry” narrative. Let’s be real, many women are put off by men who cry or show too much emotion – and men know that.
Jason continued, “Men fear losing their partner. They know how men work and that some of them are predators. Women also get approached more often than men. It can make men feel really insecure.”
Naturally, these attitudes and behaviors aren’t helpful for intimacy. In Jason’s opinion, “Men who are emancipated from toxic masculinity and feel secure in themselves are much more comfortable with intimacy.”
In line with this, Rasheed said, “Feeling emasculated gets in the way of intimacy.”
Ricky shared that when he and his friend used to have emotional conversations, they would call it “our non-gay intimate moment”.
This is an example of men being scared that emotional openness and vulnerability make them effeminate. Curiously, homosexuality has been associated with being like a woman which, for some men, is the worst insult they could receive.
Nevertheless, despite their derogatory description of it, they were still seeking closeness, understanding, and openness. So, even if it makes some of them feel uncomfortable and less manly, they do desire emotional intimacy.
How to Be More Intimate
From the men’s responses, we can draw several conclusions on how you can improve the level of intimacy in your relationship.
- Sex and physical touch are important. Communicate about your sex life and be creative.
- Be comfortable around each other, let your guard down, and allow a man to be himself.
- Ask the man in your life how he would like to be supported. Maybe he just wants a hug from time to time; maybe he wants to be able to speak his mind without interruption or interpretation.
- Find out what his love language is.
- Take an interest in his interests.
- Practice active listening.
- Little acts of kindness go a long way.
- Do fun things together, make new memories, go on an adventure, invite him out on a date – create shared experiences.
- Encourage and support the men in your life. Tell them when they’ve done something well, express your gratitude, and provide words of affirmation.
- Don’t make a man feel like his worth is dependent on his earnings and “alpha status”.
- Protect him and have his back.
- If you’re a person who laughs or gags when you see a man cry, it’s time for some introspection. We all have a responsibility to provide the space for men to share their inner worlds and experience intimacy.
- Communicate openly and honestly about how you feel – don’t resort to passive-aggressiveness and mind games.
- If you’re a parent of boys, encourage them to be open and express their emotions.
- Respect his boundaries. You can’t force someone to be more emotionally open – build trust and allow him to open up in his own time. Provide the space for him to do that without judgment.
Final Thoughts
The world is changing, and society is finally becoming more accepting of the fact that men are humans with emotional needs too. But, of course, everyone is different.
Some men aren’t very interested in intimacy; some want it but don’t know how to achieve it; and others are very comfortable with intimacy.
If your partner is not giving you the level or type of intimacy that’s important to you, have a conversation with him and find ways to satisfy each of your needs.
Most men are interested in more than “just sex” and seek emotional closeness and companionship. Intimacy means different things to different people, and men are just as well-rounded in their appreciation for closeness as women.
However, if your man rejects intimacy beyond the physical entirely, consider whether that’s enough for you or whether you might need to consider your options.
It could have something to do with his upbringing or attachment style, but it’s not your job to fix him – he has to want that himself.
