Mind games aim to influence and control another person’s feelings and actions. In other words, mind games are psychological manipulation.
The opposite of mind games is direct and honest communication. Why would you play games instead of just saying what’s on your mind or your intentions?
Because doing so would probably not get you the result you’re looking for.
For example, let’s say you’ve just met someone you’re interested in. If you were immediately direct and said, “I really like you, and I want a future together”, it could come across as desperate or too forward.
Or you might not be sure about their intentions or worry that they don’t feel the same as you.
So, you might play hard to get, not sleep with them until the third date, or wait some time to text back. You play the game to influence another person and get what you want.
These games we play when we first meet someone are generally accepted and known by most people within a certain culture.
As the transactional analyst John Dusey said, “Games are so predominant and deep-rooted in society that they tend to become institutionalized, that is, played according to rules that everybody knows about and more or less agrees to.”
Although playing hard to get is a mind game, it’s relatively innocent and socially accepted. But when do mind games turn more sinister and toxic?
That depends on the intention and consequence.
Toxic Mind Games
If the intention is control and the consequence is harm, then it’s a malicious mind game that falls outside of what is socially accepted or encouraged.
Being open and honest about their malicious intentions and lack of empathy would likely not get the game players what they want.
For example, if a narcissist would tell you he wants to control and abuse you, how successful would he be in achieving his goal? Probably not very, so he engages in mind games instead.
Mind games work because they play on people’s insecurities and doubts. If you are very confident and sure within yourself, mind games are less effective – although that doesn’t mean secure people never fall for mind games.
Once you’ve fallen victim to mind games, you are more susceptible to further mind games because they dismantle your confidence and security over time. They can send you down a spiral of self-doubt and feeling unworthy, thereby making you easier to control and manipulate.
To illustrate how mind games work and what effect they can have, I spoke to a few people about their experiences. Here are some examples of mind games they provided:
Passive-Aggressive Behavior and Language
Acting in a passive-aggressive way instead of telling someone straight when you’re upset about something is a mind game.
For example, saying you’re “fine” when really you’re annoyed about something is a mind game and passive-aggressive.
Sometimes, this kind of behavior comes from not knowing exactly what you need. But other times, it’s about avoiding accountability for your words and actions.
That is, you think you’re avoiding conflict and pain by not saying anything. But by acting in a cold or dismissive way instead of being honest, you’re potentially causing more harm.
Scarlet admitted that when her partner did something she didn’t like, she would make her feel bad about it by giving her the cold shoulder instead of directly communicating what the problem was. She acknowledged that it was selfish, but she did it to avoid full-blown conflict.
Hugo said about his ex-girlfriend, “She expected me to be a mind-reader and know things she hadn’t actually told me. Either she would stop speaking to me or make comments like “You don’t care anyway”. If I didn’t give her the response she wanted, she wouldn’t let me touch her and made me sleep on the sofa. Even if I asked her to explain what was going on she would sometimes just say “If you knew me at all you’d know what was wrong!” It was impossible.”
The very nature of mind games is passive-aggressive as the aim is to avoid direct communication and transparency. So all the examples in this article fall under the umbrella of passive-aggressive behavior.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a mind game. It’s a deliberate attempt at confusing and distorting a person’s reality to dismantle their self-confidence and thereby gain control.
Gaslighting comes in many different forms, such as denial or invalidating someone’s feelings.
For example, Romy’s ex-husband had an affair and used a second phone to keep his extramarital activities a secret. Romy found the phone and confronted him to which he responded, “That’s just not true. I’m not seeing her anymore,” and then shut down the conversation and walked away.
Why not be honest? Because it would mean he’d have to admit to doing something wrong and risk losing his wife as well as his position of superiority. Instead, he launched an attack on Romy’s sense of reality.
Scarlet’s ex-partner Jade made her feel needy when she expressed how she felt. She said, “She was usually a big communicator so when she didn’t reply it was obvious she was punishing me or something. But when I pulled her up on it, she would snap at me and say she was working and that I was needy and needed to chill out. She knew exactly I was insecure about that sort of thing, and it really made me question myself.”
Blame
Blame is closely related to gaslighting as it often involves turning the tables and manipulating a person’s perception.
It isn’t productive or helpful for relationships and comes from a place of judgment, anger, fear, punishment, and/or superiority.
It’s not always a mind game, for example, when you blame someone for breaking a glass (unless you’re the one who broke the glass), but it becomes a mind game when you use it to undermine someone and avoid accountability.
Blame makes you feel bad, guilty, ashamed, and a range of other self-deprecating emotions. You question yourself while the accuser rids him/herself of responsibility.
When Hugo’s girlfriend breaks up with him, she insists they stay friends. Hugo decided that it would be better for him to distance himself from her and the relationship to protect his mental health.
This probably made her feel she was losing control over him so she started blaming him for “the distance between us” and accused him of “not being authentic and being afraid”.
She said, “I understand that to villainize me and separate yourself from me as a human is how society approaches breakups, but I just don’t recognize you anymore. I miss the real you.”
Although she broke up with him, she managed to turn the tables and blame Hugo for creating the separation. Naturally, Hugo doubted himself, felt guilty, and wondered whether she broke up with him because he was an inauthentic and fearful person.
So, his ex-girlfriend successfully managed to make herself look like the victim and mess with Hugo’s emotions and perception.
Negging
Negging means seducing someone by giving them a backhanded compliment or saying things that express indifference towards them. It works because it undermines your confidence and manipulates you into wanting their approval.
For example, when Francesca met Greg for the first time at a club, his opening line was, “Nice dress, is that a size 16?”
Throughout their on-and-off relationship, he’d make these kinds of backhanded compliments but if she ever pulled him up on it, he’d say “It’s only banter!” (thereby adding gaslighting into the mix).
Francesca’s ex would often compare her to other women as well, she said, “He’d always ogle other women when we were out on dates, and then he’d compare me to them. For example, he’d say “Wow, she has much nicer legs than you” but then he’d say something nice like “But her face isn’t as pretty as yours” It drove me crazy. I always felt like I needed to prove myself to him.”
Hot-and-Cold Behavior
One moment, they seem really keen, and the next moment, you feel like you’re begging for their attention.
When they go cold, you wonder whether you did something wrong, or whether they lost interest. Maybe they’re busy or have met someone else? Maybe something bad happened? You wonder whether it’s because they can’t make up their mind or whether they’re playing games with you.
It may not always be intentional, but hot-and-cold behavior is a mind game because it plays with people’s emotions.
You never know where you stand, and it keeps you on your toes – which plays into the game player’s hands. They’re in a position of power and decide when they’ll be loving and when they’ll pull back.
Jose experienced this firsthand when he met Lily on a dating app.
Jose quickly developed strong feelings for Lily, but he wasn’t sure whether she felt the same. Sometimes they’d speak and see each other a lot and Lily would be very affectionate and seemingly keen to move the relationship forward.
But then she would disappear or only give one-word responses to his messages and make excuses as to why she couldn’t see him.
He said, “She was like a cat. She only gave me attention and love when it suited her. When she wasn’t in the mood, she was cold and dismissive. It really affected my confidence, and eventually, I had to stop talking to her. It was too difficult.”
Booty-Calling
Booty calls (texting or calling someone to arrange a sexual encounter, usually late at night) could fall under the category of hot-and-cold behavior but it’s so common, that it deserves its own subheading.
If all people involved are on the same page about their relationship being about sex, then booty calls are not a mind game. However, if there are false promises and ambiguity around intention, then booty calls are a mind game and can cause harm.
Francesca’s ex would “text me loads during the day, but when I saw him later at a club or bar, he would completely ignore me and even get with other women in front of me. Then at 4 am, he would call me asking me to come over.”
The only time Lara saw Anthony was at night. He would always tell her how much he loved spending time with her and would promise, “Next time, I’ll take you on a real date”. But when she asked him, he would make an excuse as to why he couldn’t take her on a date.
He gave her breadcrumbs of hope to keep her hanging on, but never enough for a relationship to develop. In other words, he led her on and played with her emotions for his gain.
Silent Treatment and Ghosting
Being ghosted or ignored can cause severe anxiety because you ruminate about what’s going on, and this can drive you to do whatever it takes to put an end to the silence.
The game player knows how powerful silence is and uses it to gain control.
Romy dated Ivar on and off for a couple of years after she split from her husband. Though they lived in different countries, they spoke often and visited each other whenever possible.
Eventually, his communication became increasingly sporadic and cold. He didn’t contact Romy for weeks and would then message her out of the blue with a random statement or picture.
When she asked for context or an explanation, he’d leave her on “read” until a few weeks later when the same thing happened again. Ivar assumed control over their communication and only contacted Romy when it suited him and never allowed any discussion about a relationship.
Romy was left hanging on, wondering what was happening, and waiting for a sign, which was hurtful and confusing.
Francesca’s ex Greg would tell her, “I told my mum about you” or “I have a picture up of you in my room,” and then he would ghost her for days. She said, “It really messed with my head, but I liked him so much that I ignored all the bad stuff. He gave me enough affection to keep me hoping that he’d change, but that never happened obviously.”
Suicide threats
Telling someone you are feeling suicidal or have plans to commit suicide is not a mind game. But threatening to commit suicide as punishment or because you want control is a particularly malicious mind game.
In Scarlet’s case, her girlfriend Jade would regularly threaten to take her own life after an argument. She also did this when Scarlet tried to break up with her once. Jade called her, crying and screaming, “I’ll jump off this bridge if you leave!”
This put Scarlet in an impossible situation because she didn’t know if Jade was serious and obviously didn’t want Jade to harm herself.
Whether or not Jade was serious, blaming someone else for wanting to end your life is a mind game. It’s an attempt at regaining control when you feel you’ve lost control.
Jade went to extreme measures to essentially trap Scarlet by turning the tables and making her out to be the villain. Scarlet felt she had no other option but to get back with Jade.
Advice on Dealing with Mind Games
Dealing with mind games can be very difficult because you’re often not even aware that you’re being played.
Game players are often skilled manipulators who were taught this way of behaving at an early age (by their parents, for example) so they might not even think they’re doing anything wrong.
Therefore, even though it’s not your job to educate people on fair behavior, it might be helpful to talk to the other person about the mind games they play.
It’s probably best if you don’t use confrontational language but instead tell them how their behavior makes you feel. Have specific examples as this will help bring your points across and make it harder for them to deny it.
Before you do that, educate yourself on mind games and tools of psychological manipulation. That will make it easier for you to write down when you feel your partner or friend is playing mind games with you.
For your own sanity and well-being, don’t engage in mind games, and choose direct and honest communication whenever possible. Playing games is not healthy for you or your relationships.
If the other person is receptive and willing to talk about their behavior, there’s a chance they can change and the mind games can come to an end.
However, if they’re toxic and narcissistic, it’s very unlikely that they’ll accept what you’re saying. They’ll deny, blame, guilt-trip, and gaslight their way out of taking responsibility.
If that’s the case and you feel their behavior is affecting your well-being, it might be best to leave. Your priority should be looking after your own mental health, not healing other people’s trauma and toxicity.
And finally, since we’re all guilty of playing mind games from time to time, be mindful of your own behaviors and language as well!
