Boundaries are personal limits that individuals set for themselves to protect their own well-being, values, and sense of self within a relationship. They define what a person is comfortable with and what they will not tolerate.
A boundary is like an invisible line that separates you from others on an emotional, intellectual, and physical level.
They help you communicate what you want and need, what you dislike, and what is acceptable and unacceptable.
Your boundaries are essentially your values – the beliefs, attitudes, behaviors (etc.) that are important to you. As such, they dictate the nature of your relationships and how they develop and grow.
That means, to have the relationship you want, you must be clear on your own values and what you will tolerate and what you won’t. How you communicate and behave within a relationship should reflect your values – your boundaries.
Everyone has different boundaries, and while it’s important to stand firm in what you want and need, it’s also important to respect and value the other person’s boundaries.
It’s a fine balance between being assertive and truthful and listening, compromising, and understanding each other.
People have varying boundary types in different contexts. For example, one may have healthy boundaries at work, unhealthy boundaries in romantic relationships, and a mix with family. Boundary appropriateness depends heavily on the setting – what’s fine among friends may not suit a workplace. Boundaries at the beginning of a romantic relationship will be different compared with boundaries after cheating.
Why Are Boundaries Important?
Boundaries are important because they enable two (or more) individuals to love each other and grow together. They allow you to take responsibility for ensuring the health of the relationship and thereby empower you to act.
For a relationship to work, love is necessary but not enough. Boundaries are equally important because you’re clear on where you stand and who’s responsible for what. This provides a sense of safety and trust and allows you to achieve deeper levels of intimacy.
“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.”
Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
Here are some reasons boundaries are important for relationships:
- Both partners can feel safe in the relationship because there are clear guidelines or standards.
- Each partner takes ownership of the good and the bad in the relationship.
- You take responsibility for your attitudes, behaviors, feelings, etc., and expect your partner to take responsibility for theirs.
- Establishing and maintaining your boundaries can mean sharing painful truths (e.g., “If you don’t get help for your addiction, I will leave.”) as these allow you, them, and the relationship to grow.
- Partners actively support each other when the other experiences an overwhelming burden (e.g., being fired from their job) but each partner is responsible for their own life.
- Boundaries protect you from codependency because you each own your stuff.
- Lack of boundaries can lead to addiction, irresponsibility, immaturity, control, and abuse, which are all damaging to a relationship.
An Example to Show Why Boundaries Are Important
Harry and Grace have been in a relationship for over a year. One night, Grace decides to look through Harry’s phone and finds he has been speaking to his ex-girlfriend.
She becomes very angry and accuses him of lying. Harry gets angry because he feels Grace has breached his privacy by going through his phone.
Both feel their trust has been broken and their boundaries have been crossed. They blame each other and aren’t taking responsibility.
However, if they want their relationship to grow, both partners must take responsibility for their actions. Grace must take responsibility for going through Harry’s phone (disrespecting his privacy) and her angry reaction. Harry must take responsibility for speaking to his ex-girlfriend without considering how this would make Grace feel.
If both would take ownership and responsibility, Harry would see things from Grace’s perspective and stop communicating with his ex or explain why it’s important to him.
Grace would own up to the fact that going through someone’s phone is a breach of privacy and agree to stop doing it. She might accept that Harry wants to stay in communication with his ex and allow him this freedom or decide that this does not work for her.
In that case, the communication shouldn’t be “You cannot speak to your ex” because this is the other person’s responsibility.
Instead, Grace could say, “If you continue to contact her, I will move out” – this is enforceable because it’s about Grace. She is setting a boundary with the only person she can control – herself.
From this example, we can see that boundaries are important because they:
- Show what’s okay and what’s not okay.
- Provide a sense of safety.
- Empower partners to take responsibility and make their own decisions.
- Allow growth to happen.
Types of Boundaries
Within any relationship, each person involved should establish and respect various types of boundaries.
Here are the types of boundaries with questions that will help you figure out what yours are in each category. It’s also a good idea to think about how you will deal with these boundaries being crossed.
Physical Boundaries
Physical boundaries are limits and guidelines relating to your body and physical space.
- What level of touch are you comfortable with? E.g., “I don’t like being hugged” or “I like it when you hold my hand.”
- Who is allowed to touch you? E.g., “Only my family and partner can touch me.”
- Are there certain foods or drinks you don’t want to consume? E.g., “I don’t eat meat” or “I don’t drink alcohol.”
- How would you like your physical space to be respected? E.g., “Don’t wake me up while I’m sleeping” or “When we argue, I prefer you to stand further away from me.”
- What will you do if your physical boundaries have been crossed?
Emotional Boundaries
Emotional boundaries are limits and guidelines relating to sharing and dealing with emotions.
- What are you comfortable sharing? E.g., “I prefer not to speak about my childhood.”
- If you do share something, how do you want their emotions to be treated? E.g., “It’s really important to me that I feel listened to when I share things about my life.”
- How do you best deal with overwhelming emotions? E.g., “I need a moment to calm down before I can speak to you about this.”
- How can they help you to express your emotions more freely? E.g., “It’s easier for me to talk about emotional stuff when we sit next to each other or go for a walk.”
- What will you do if your emotional boundaries have been crossed?
Sexual Boundaries
Sexual boundaries are standards and limits relating to your sexuality and sex life, including consent, sexual acts, communication, safety, etc.
- Are you comfortable speaking about your sexual preference/orientation? E.g., “My sexual orientation is private.”
- What kind of sexual acts are you comfortable with? E.g., “I don’t want to have sex outside.”
- Do you have any sexual trauma history, and how can they be respectful of that? E.g., “I experienced sexual trauma; therefore, I need time to get to know someone before we get physical.”
- What kind of contraception do you insist on?
- How do you communicate about consent?
- What will you do if your sexual boundaries have been crossed?
Material Boundaries
Material boundaries are limits and guidelines relating to your possessions, like your clothes, house, car, etc.
- Are you comfortable sharing your clothes, materials, etc. with others? E.g., “My home is your home.”
- What are you comfortable sharing? What not? E.g., “I love it when other people wear my clothes – you can borrow whatever you want as long as you give it back” or “I prefer if people don’t touch the radio in my car.”
- How can you communicate that to others?
- Can you afford to share?
- What will you do if your material boundaries have been crossed?
Intellectual Boundaries
Intellectual boundaries relate to how ideas and thoughts are shared and treated.
- What makes me feel disrespected when sharing ideas and thoughts? E.g., “When you interrupt me while I’m explaining myself, I feel disrespected.”
- How will you show others that you respect their thoughts and ideas?
- What will you do if your intellectual boundaries have been crossed?
Time Boundaries
Time boundaries are rules and limits relating to how people spend their time and what their time is worth.
- How much alone time do you need each day or week? E.g., “When I come home from work, I like to have 15 minutes just to myself.”
- What are your priorities? How can they respect these?
- Are you/they late often? How will you improve your time management or deal with their constant lateness?
- What will you do if your time boundaries have been crossed?
Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries clearly and consistently communicate to others how you want to be treated and loved (and how you don’t). Unhealthy boundaries are inconsistent, loose, too rigid, or nonexistent.
Healthy boundaries come from a place of love and wanting to grow. You’re assertive about what you want and need but simultaneously compromise and adapt to the other person’s boundaries.
Here are some examples of healthy relationship boundaries:
- Values own opinions (doesn’t compromise personal values or beliefs due to pressure from others)
- Shares personal information appropriately (careful not to over or under-share private details)
- Accepts when others say “no” (without retaliation or manipulation)
- Respects others’ privacy and personal space
Many people believe they are being selfish when they communicate and implement their boundaries. Some people use boundaries for selfish reasons and to control their partner.
However, there’s nothing selfish about letting people know how to love and treat you – you’re just honest about who you are.
Boundaries are not about controlling or fixing another to suit your needs. They’re about knowing what you want and need and communicating that truthfully.
When you respect another person’s boundaries, you pave the way for them to respect and value yours.say no. But when you set appropriate boundaries, you can feel safe without the need to control your partner.
Unhealthy Boundaries
Many people struggle to set and maintain boundaries. Your early experiences of relationships determine your ability to stand firm in what you believe in, what you want and don’t want, and what you will tolerate and what not.
So if your upbringing was unboundaried or overly strict, you might struggle with boundaries in your adult relationships.
Here are some signs that you need to work on your boundaries:
It could be that your boundaries are too loose or non-existent:
- Do you have difficulty saying no?
- Are you oversharing personal information?
- Do you feel unable to make decisions without the input of others?
- Do other people take advantage of you?
- Is expressing your needs, wants, and opinions difficult and anxiety-provoking?
- Do you fear being rejected if you don’t comply with others?
- Are you overly involved with other people’s problems?
- Do you feel like you’re constantly trying to fix, help, or rescue others?
It could also be that your boundaries are too rigid:
- Are you fiercely independent and don’t want anyone getting close?
- Do you find asking for help very difficult?
- Do you avoid emotional intimacy?
- Have others told you that you seem withdrawn or detached?
- Do you tend to want to control others?
If you’ve answered yes to the questions above, you probably struggle with boundaries to some extent – but don’t worry, setting and maintaining boundaries is something you can learn over time.
Examples
Here are some examples to illustrate the difference between healthy and unhealthy boundaries:
Trespassing
For example, you want to try a particular activity, but your partner does not.
If your boundaries are healthy, you respect their decision and don’t ask again. If your boundaries are unhealthy, you will sulk, shout, or keep nagging until they give in.
Enabling
Let’s say your partner constantly overspends and asks to borrow money but rarely pays it back.
Allowing this to happen repeatedly means your boundaries are not in place – you’re tolerating this behavior even though you don’t like it.
Having healthy boundaries means supporting your partner in overcoming their spending issues while expecting them to take responsibility.
Therefore, you might say, “I love you, but I’m not lending you money again. You will have to get a job because I can’t sustain us both.”
Each partner is responsible for their own life. You can help each other, but you should not enable or rescue them – healthy boundaries mean you’re putting limits on each other’s destructive behaviors and attitudes.
Dependence
Let’s say Tina is unhappy in life and her partner Ben feels like he can’t give her the life she wants. But no matter what he does, she is still unhappy.
Their boundaries are unclear and there is an element of dependence: Tina is relying on Ben to make her happy and Ben thinks it’s his responsibility to make her happy.
Healthy boundaries would mean Tina takes responsibility for her own happiness and doesn’t rely on her partner to make her happy.
Ben would support her by listening and suggesting she seek help but wouldn’t feel like it’s up to him to make her happy. They take responsibility for their feelings and actions while supporting each other.
Control
Jim expects his partner to do everything he says, keeps tabs on her whereabouts, and chooses what she wears because “those are my boundaries”.
This is an example of someone disguising controlling behavior as boundaries.
Boundaries mean freedom – you choose to love the other the way they are and you’re truthful about who you are and give your partner the choice to love you as you are.
Control is not respecting the other person’s freedom – you want your partner to make the decisions that suit you, don’t accept when they say no, and punish a “wrong” choice.
Using guilt or anger, withholding love, and constantly trespassing boundaries are manipulation tactics aimed at control, and are a sure way to destroy trust and love.
Sometimes, people use control because they don’t know how to communicate their needs.
Ultimatums
When our boundaries have been crossed, we often give the other person an ultimatum: either you do this, or you suffer the consequences.
When setting boundaries, individuals take responsibility for their own choices and reactions, seeking to address them in a healthy manner.
Ultimatums often place blame and the onus for change on the other person, without the ultimatum-giver acknowledging their role in the situation.
Sometimes, ultimatums are necessary when the relationship doesn’t have a strong foundation of boundaries and respectful behavior, or when your repeated attempts at communicating your boundaries have been unsuccessful.
However, ultimatums often lead to resentment and distrust, ultimately hurting a relationship.
Rules
Relationship boundaries and rules are not the same thing, although they may seem similar at first glance.
Boundaries are personal limits that individuals set for themselves to protect their own well-being, values, and sense of self within a relationship.
Examples of boundaries might include:
- “I need some alone time each week to recharge and take care of myself.”
- “I am not comfortable with my partner going through my phone or personal belongings without my permission.”
Rules are often imposed by one partner onto the other and are designed to control or modify behavior. They are typically associated with consequences or punishments if not followed.
Rules can be seen as a way to exert power over another person, rather than focusing on one’s own needs and well-being. Examples of rules might include:
- “You are not allowed to spend time with your friends without me present.”
- “You must always answer my calls or texts within 30 minutes, or else.”
Boundaries, when communicated assertively and respectfully, can strengthen a relationship by fostering trust, understanding, and mutual respect. Rules, however, can often lead to resentment, power struggles, and a sense of being controlled or manipulated.
Expectations
Boundaries are the standards by which you allow yourself to be treated, while expectations are what you think others should do to suit your needs.
Expectations live in the realm of “should” and are based on your upbringing, desires, personality, etc. For example, “I expect my partner always to be available when I need emotional support.”
While these aren’t necessarily unreasonable, having expectations of other people can lead to disappointment and anger that’s then directed at the other person for not meeting your expectations.
So rather than expecting the other person to meet your standards, you’re taking responsibility for your standards and don’t accept anything less. You have an expectation of yourself rather than the other person
