Having an affair can shatter the trust and safety between two people, and for many, it represents the ultimate boundary crossing. That’s why, for a relationship to survive and thrive after such a betrayal, boundaries need to be reassessed and improved.
Like a house that’s been destroyed by a fire, setting boundaries after an affair means starting from scratch, building a stronger foundation, and carefully laying brick after brick.
Boundaries are the limits and rules you set in a relationship, with your partner, and with yourself. They help communicate what you want and don’t want – including wanting your partner to be honest and faithful and not wanting them to deceive and betray you.
The safety, trust, and connection that boundaries can provide for a relationship are ripped away when one partner has an affair. The act of lying can be just as damaging as what’s being lied about, as it undermines the connection and trust between people.
Therefore, it’s unsurprising that many decide to leave their adulterous partner. But depending on you and the relationship, you might decide you want to work through it.
It’s your choice. But if you do decide to stay, certain things must be in place if you want to reestablish boundaries after an affair, find back to each other, and build a healthy relationship.
Prerequisites For Setting Boundaries After an Affair
Setting boundaries after an affair can be helpful to move the recovery process along. However, if your partner is unwilling to work on themselves or the relationship or if you desire revenge, there’s little hope that the relationship will survive.
Therefore, the following behaviors and attitudes are fundamental:
Your Partner’s Attitude
- Your partner has to show absolute regret and repentance. They have to be committed to wanting to work through it – be open, honest, willing, and empathetic.
- The person who has made the mistake must own their failure and show they are willing to change and work through it.
- They must be willing to communicate honestly so you understand what happened. Why did they cheat? What was driving them to seek sexual/emotional connection outside of the relationship? It’s often fear that drives deception – some part of the person who cheated is avoiding the relationship and the truth about how they feel.
- Is it an addiction to sex/porn? Are they willing to seek therapy to work through their sexual insecurities/ problems?
Your Approach
- To eventually be able to overcome the betrayal and potential trauma you’ve experienced as a result of the affair, it’s important to face what’s happened head-on. It doesn’t have to happen immediately, but to deal with the intrusive thoughts, raw emotions, and negative memories, you should avoid avoidance. You might want to know all the details, speak to your partner about it at length, or go through it in your mind until it becomes desensitized. It takes time but the more you deal with it head-on, the easier it will be.
- Work towards forgiveness. That means, dealing with the impact, searching for meaning, and committing to moving forward and recovery.
- Avoid taking the moral high ground – try to focus on understanding.
- Take a stance of wanting to heal rather than revenge or judgment.
- If your partner is truly sorry, work towards allowing yourself to open up to and trust them again.
- The old cliché of “time heals all wounds” is true in many cases. Of course, time is not enough but as time goes by, the raw emotions will subside depending on the actions of the perp.
How to Set Boundaries After an Affair
No relationship is the same, and how people react differently to their partner having an affair. Therefore, the boundaries you must implement with your partner will also differ.
The following boundaries are suggestions that you can reflect upon. Decide for yourself whether they’re right or necessary for you to trust your partner again.
You should request whatever it is that will make you feel safe. But remember that your partner has the choice of whether they accept that or not. If they don’t accept it, you will know where they stand and have to draw a boundary. If they do accept it, you can move forward.
When you’re setting boundaries, always reflect on your intention. The intention should be to find a solution and move forward, not to act out of revenge or anger. So ask yourself: Do your boundaries serve the purpose of love or revenge?
Remember, avoidance is not a boundary.
Some of these boundaries don’t need to be enforced forever – hopefully, a few months will suffice to rebuild something better than you had before.
Cutting Off Contact
It’s usually important for the person who had an affair to cut off all contact with the person they had the affair with. That includes all face-to-face and online communication.
If they work together, it can be a bit trickier. You can ask your partner to find a new job or work in a different department where they won’t have any opportunity to run into their affair partner.
Physical Distance
You might want to take some time apart to have the opportunity to reflect and contemplate solutions and how to handle the situation.
Physical distance can be useful to protect your well-being and learn new things (e.g., how to deal with an affair). That can mean moving out or staying with a friend/family member for a while.
Intimacy
Physical, emotional, and intellectual intimacy between partners can be shattered by an affair. Just like trust, they need to be rebuilt.
You determine the level of intimacy you feel comfortable with while you’re going through the process of healing.
If you prefer not to sleep in the same bed, request that. If you don’t want to have sex with your partner, firmly state this.
If you prefer not to share your feelings and thoughts with them for a while, do that. The aim is to work towards letting them back in, but you decide how long that takes.
Showing You They Care
Your self-esteem and confidence have probably taken a hit as a result of finding out your partner’s been cheating.
How can they show you they still care and still want you? How can they make you feel good about yourself again?
Taking Responsibility
If the cheating partner doesn’t take responsibility for their actions, growth cannot happen, and the relationship can’t continue.
Therefore, an important boundary is to expect the cheater to take responsibility. If they try to blame you, the relationship, or their past for what’s happened, they’re not taking responsibility.
Phone Usage
Your partner’s phone might be a source of anxiety – who are they speaking to? What apps are they using? Are there any pictures of the affair partner? Etc.
Therefore, you might want to:
- Request that your partner delete all material to do with their affair partner (pictures, messages, numbers, etc.)
- Give you their login details and passwords.
- Allow you to look through their phone.
- Ask them not to leave the room when they receive a call.
This might be helpful in the immediate aftermath of the affair; however, this kind of surveillance should not continue for long as it’s controlling and eventually, you want to be able to trust your partner again without control.
Therapy
It might be important to you to go to therapy alone and/or with your partner. You might also want them to go to therapy.
If you believe it will help you, request that your partner attend therapy alone and/or with you. If they’re not willing, you cannot force them, but it might be a deal-breaker for you.
The relationship therapist Jenna Nielsen explained, “Setting boundaries after an affair may require intervention with a third party such as a licensed therapist as it might be hard to understand healthy boundaries once trust has been broken.”
Communication
You might want to know everything there is to know about the affair or you might not want to know any details. Think about what would make you feel better and then let your partner know.
What led there? Why did they do it? What did they think it was going to achieve? What’s missing from the relationship? Honest communication and transparency are key if you want things to work out.
Can Affairs Have a Silver Lining?
Boundary crossing can be an opportunity for growth. Although it wasn’t your fault and your partner chose to have an affair, something in the relationship and within the cheating partner needs addressing.
These painful betrayals can, under the right circumstances, be an opportunity to start again, build a stronger foundation, and address the problems that exist within the relationship and each partner.
Everyone is responsible for dealing with their own stuff. You’re not responsible for healing your partner, but if you want your relationship to work, you have to be proactive and take responsibility for healing it.
Dr. Henry Cloud said, “It is an act of love to allow our [partner] to reap the effects of [their] selfishness or irresponsibility”. Both of you can learn and grow from this experience if you’re willing and the right conditions are in place.
