Setting Boundaries in Relationships

Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is necessary for two individuals in a relationship to grow. Without appropriate boundaries, a relationship will eventually crumble and quickly become toxic.

Partners need to communicate what they want and don’t want from early on in the relationship. Some boundaries are communicated head-on (“I want a monogamous relationship”), while others are developed on a trial-and-error basis.

In essence, it comes down to: what is mine? What is yours? What is ours? What is public?

Your boundaries are your values, and therefore, some of them will be non-negotiable. However, not all boundaries should be rigid – compromise and adaptation are key ingredients in a healthy relationship.

So, how do you know what’s fixed and what’s fluid? How can you meet your partner where they are while protecting your values and well-being?

To set and maintain healthy boundaries in relationships, it’s important to take responsibility for your boundaries, figure out what they are, and understand the importance of negotiation and shared values.  

So, before we delve into how to set and maintain boundaries, let’s cover these fundamentals first.

General Rules

1. Understand That Your Boundaries Are Your Responsibility

The first step in establishing boundaries is to understand that they are necessary, healthy, and your responsibility.

The line you draw around yourself – your limits and rules – helps you to know yourself, build self-worth, improve your mental health, and enjoy relationships.

We’re often too focused on wanting to change the other person rather than thinking about what role we play in the relationship.

In life and relationships, everyone is responsible for their own:

• Feelings
• Attitudes
• Behaviors
• Choices
• Limits
• Desires
• Thoughts
• Values
• Talents
• Challenges

It’s not about blame – it’s about empowerment. When you take ownership of the above, you don’t rely on your partner to change, and you can protect yourself by knowing that the only person you can control is you.

Once you’re clear on this, setting and maintaining boundaries is much easier.

2. In a Relationship, You Come Together as Two Separate Parts

In a healthy relationship, two “wholes” unite to complement each other and bring together their unique perspectives, abilities, experiences, and beliefs.

As the relationship expert Esther Perel said, “It is a core task of all relationships to negotiate the boundaries of separateness and togetherness.”

Separateness means you and the other person are autonomous individuals. You’re not there to complete each other – that’s your/their work. That means, each person is responsible for working on their insecurities and challenges and must take ownership of their feelings, behaviors, and choices.

The element of togetherness means you come together to share a connection and experiences and to support each other without enabling unhealthy behaviors.

So, the process of setting and maintaining boundaries is about negotiating how you can best come together as two separate individuals with a shared interest: your relationship.

3. Cultivate Shared Values

Everyone has different values and, therefore, also different boundaries. But when you come together, there are certain values that you should both share to maintain a healthy relationship.

What is important for both of you to feel good in the relationship?

Here are some suggestions:

• Love – mutual affection, warmth, and intimacy.
• Honesty – being honest about who you are, your shortcomings and insecurities, and holding each other accountable when the other has crossed a line.
• Compassion – letting go of judgment and criticism but approaching your partner with humility and compassion even when you feel wronged.
• Forgiveness – consciously deciding to release resentment and anger and instead focus on finding solutions and a way back to each other.
• Faithfulness – being trustworthy, dependable, and someone you can feel at ease with.
• Respect – holding the other in the highest regard and treating them as you’d like to be treated yourself.
• Freedom – giving each other the freedom to love each other without control, coercion, or fear.
• Agape – a love that focuses on the good of the other and the relationship and values the welfare of each person.

These values mean you are standing for everything that will allow your relationship to grow and blossom and standing against anything that would destroy it.

Setting Boundaries in a Healthy Relationship

Working out boundaries in your relationships is a process that may never reach perfection. The important thing is to understand that relationships are difficult and need constant work.

When both people are active in setting and maintaining their boundaries, communicating honestly and openly, and setting goals together, they and their relationship will grow.

That means:

1. Speaking about what bothers you and telling your partner when they have crossed a boundary or upset you in some way (avoid avoidance) e.g., “I felt sad when you didn’t call when you said you would, and I would prefer it if you would let me know next time because…”
2. Setting aside time to work on your relationship.
3. Sharing how you see the future of your relationship.

A relationship is mutual and dynamic, and therefore, everyone involved needs to accept and respect the others’ limits. Everyone and every relationship is different, and that’s a good thing!

Certain boundaries are non-negotiable, and in a healthy relationship, those are respected. But in a relationship that is free from abuse, codependency, and immaturity, some boundaries can be more fluid, and there’s more room for compromise and discussion.

The important thing is, you’re both proactive.

If you’re passive in your relationship, it’s unlikely to grow and will eventually run into trouble. That’s why it’s important to be a proactive player in your relationship – take the initiative to solve problems and adapt when you experience a limit.

Step 1: Identify Boundaries

Before you start working on boundaries in your relationships, reflect on what they are.

• What are your values? I.e., what’s important to you?
• What are you comfortable and uncomfortable with?
• What’s your responsibility in relationships?

You might be very clear about who you are and what you want and don’t want. You might find it easy to say no and tell people how you feel.

Many people struggle with this, however, and although they may have heard the term, setting boundaries is new to them.

Some people believe they have strong boundaries because they avoid relationships and intimacy.

However, it’s more likely that they’re avoiding relationships and intimacy because they don’t know how to set appropriate boundaries.

So here are some more questions you can reflect on to help you establish your boundaries:

• Do you have any unhelpful beliefs about boundaries? E.g., “boundaries are selfish” or “if I let people in, they’ll hurt me”.
• What enhances your well-being?
• What is important to you in a relationship?
• What behaviors make you feel unsafe and safe?
• How do you like others to treat you? Do you treat people in this way?
• Are there any deal-breakers in relationships?
• What does saying no make you feel like?
• What does saying yes when you actually mean no feel like?

Step 2: Approach With Care

Think about how to communicate the boundaries lovingly and respectfully.

Avoid storming in and saying, “This is how things are going to be from now on!”

Instead, let them know how you feel and explain your boundary to them – if they understand it, they’re more likely to respect it.

Step 3: Consider Timing

Find a good time to talk things through (i.e., when you both have time and mental capacity).

Sometimes, you might communicate the boundary at the moment, but sometimes, you may want to reflect on things and talk about them later.

Both are fine as long as the communication is respectful.

Step 4: Give Them the Freedom to Say No

In some cases, your partner may not be able to give you what you want (e.g., moving in together).

Fostering honesty and transparency in your relationship means allowing them to say how they feel without you getting angry and giving them the freedom to say no, even if you don’t like the answer. 

Compromise and acceptance are important to practice when it comes to certain boundaries. If you can’t find a common ground, it might be time to move on.

Ask the other person: have I crossed your boundaries?

Do you feel I respect your right to say no? Will you let me know if I’ve crossed your boundaries or not respected your freedom?

Step 5: Maintain Your Boundaries

Maintain your boundaries by implementing consequences for boundary crossing.

Step 6: Dealing With Boundary Crossing

When someone crosses your boundaries, it can be annoying, upsetting, frightening, offensive, or distressing, depending on what has happened.

We all overstep the line sometimes and accidentally trespass on people’s boundaries and in these cases, it’s usually not malicious, just careless.

For example, you might have told someone not to call you after 6 pm but they call you at 8 pm. In this case, it should suffice not to pick up the phone and then remind them not to call you after 6 pm. If they do it again, you may need to have a more serious conversation with them.

In other cases, more severe consequences need to be implemented. For example, “If you shout at me, I will leave the room” or “I won’t sleep with you until you get help for your porn addiction.”

Communication is key. You have to let the other person know when they’ve crossed a line – it’s your responsibility to protect your boundaries.

Relationships are about growth and that includes learning that actions have consequences.

You’re doing yourself, your partner, and the relationship a favor if you communicate openly and honestly and hold them (and yourself) accountable.

Setting Boundaries in a Toxic Relationship

Toxic relationships tend to feature a lack of boundaries. Abuse, codependency, and control are examples of unhealthy boundaries.

Therefore, if you’re in a toxic relationship, setting boundaries is probably something you and the other person struggle with.

To establish and maintain boundaries effectively, it’s important that you work on your self-worth, confidence, and attachment insecurities – that’s a responsibility we all have if we want healthy relationships.

In toxic relationships, there’s no more room for discussion and compromise – you have to implement firm and strict boundaries and stay consistent.

Let’s consider boundaries in the context of different issues that lead to toxicity.

Codependency

Codependency means you take responsibility for another person’s problems and don’t expect them to take responsibility for their problems.

For example, your partner misuses alcohol and you 1) stay with them despite their continued use 2) give them money or call in sick on their behalf when they’ve been drinking all night 3) you give love, affection, and support but don’t get any in return. In other words, there are no boundaries, and you enable and rescue them.

Sometimes, we have to “wound” our loved ones to help them. That can mean:

1. Communicate that you will no longer tolerate their drinking.
2. Tell them “I love you, but I won’t give you any more money or make excuses on your behalf.”
3. Expect them to take responsibility by seeking help.
4. Communicate your boundary: “If you don’t get help, I’m going to move out because I can’t watch you destroying yourself anymore.”

Abuse and Control

Abuse can be physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, or coercive control. None of these are acceptable and even though it’s not your fault, you must take responsibility for your well-being and implement boundaries.

Abusive relationships are often complex webs of insecurity, impulsivity, attachment, and low self-worth that are not simple to untangle and leave. But you must draw the line.

1. Make a firm decision to no longer tolerate abuse.
2. Tell them, “If you shout/threaten/hit me again, I will leave the house/move out.”
3. You don’t need to explain yourself or worry about their feelings (you’ve probably done enough of that already).
4. If they do it again, stay strong and do what you said you were going to do.
5. They will argue and complain but don’t allow them to talk you out of it or excuse it somehow.
6. Your feelings, behaviors, and choices are your responsibility. Their feelings, behaviors, and choices are their responsibility. If they can’t respect your boundaries and well-being, you have to take control and do what’s best for you (in many cases that means ending the relationship).

Infidelity

Setting boundaries after infidelity is essential for rebuilding trust and moving forward in the relationship. Here are some critical steps:

1. Have an honest conversation about what you need to feel safe and respected in the relationship. Communicate your boundaries and expectations.
2. Set clear consequences for boundary violations and follow through consistently.
3. Insist on complete transparency from your partner, including access to phones, email, social media if needed to verify their honesty.
4. Establish a zero-tolerance policy for further contact with the affair partner. Any interaction should be disclosed.
5. Commit to dedicating time to heal and reconnect as a couple, such as counseling.
6. Maintain independence and self-care. Don’t neglect your own needs and support system.
7. Understand rebuilding trust is a gradual process. Be patient, but also evaluate if enough progress is being made.

Remember, both partners must commit fully to the boundary-setting process. If the cheating partner resists boundaries or continues violations, seriously reconsider the relationship. Individual and couples counseling can provide vital guidance through this challenging chapter.

The Bottom Line

If you are in a toxic/ abusive relationship in which boundaries are lacking or all over the place, it probably means there’s some self-development work to be done in terms of your self-esteem, confidence, mental health, etc.

Seek the help of your loved ones, find community, and contact a therapist who can help you get started.

Having healthy and fulfilling relationships with others means working on the relationship you have with yourself first.

Setting Boundaries to Reduce Stress

Sometimes we don’t respect our own limits and neglect our well-being because we want to live up to other people’s or society’s expectations. 

These are some signs you’re not respecting your boundaries sufficiently:

• Feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and exhausted a lot of the time.
• Wanting to shut yourself away from the world and not speak to anyone.
• Fantasizing about relocating to the moon or a remote island somewhere.
• Neglecting self-care, including not sleeping enough, skipping meals, engaging in harmful behaviors (drinking/taking drugs/gambling, etc.), and scrolling endlessly on your devices.
• Poor physical and mental health can be a sign of insufficient boundary setting.

Prioritize

What’s most important to you? Maybe it’s spending time with your friends and family, work, or your creative projects. 

Setting boundaries means you get to do more of what you love and value and less of what you don’t want to do.

Communicate

Other people won’t know what your boundaries are unless you tell them. 

If you say yes, they’ll assume you want to. The resentment or frustration you experience as a result of having said yes when you meant no is in your control – learn to say no when you mean no. 

If it’s difficult for you, start small and say things like “I’m not sure yet, I’ll let you know” so you have time to contemplate. Be firm, don’t make big excuse –  just be honest.

The Benefit

At first, setting boundaries can be a bit stressful if you’re not used to it. But over time, you will feel a weight lift off your shoulders and feel more at ease and relaxed. 

Boundaries allow you to have healthier relationships with others and yourself. Remember that the people who don’t like your boundaries are the ones who benefit from you not having any.