Sometimes, control can be confused with boundaries if the concept of boundaries has been misunderstood. Boundaries are not about control, but if anything, they’re about self-control rather than other control.
Boundaries are your limits and needs that allow you to decide what you will or won’t tolerate – therefore, the onus is on you. They communicate to others how you wish to be treated and loved without forcing the other person to change.
You give people the choice and freedom to respect your boundaries, and if they don’t, you take responsibility for keeping yourself healthy and safe by drawing a line (this requires self-control).
Sometimes, people dress up control as “their boundaries,” but they are two entirely different things. If someone is controlling towards you, they are crossing your boundaries – they don’t respect your needs and wishes and force you to give up your autonomy.
Healthy boundaries help you to grow together and improve the quality of your relationship, whereas control does exactly the opposite.
Control is about wanting (and expecting) the other person to suit your ideal and forcing them to meet your needs. This can lead to resentment, rebellion, and an unhealthy relationship dynamic.
Control can be financial, physical, emotional, intellectual, or sexual (or a combination of them all).
Control Disguised as Boundaries
When boundaries are more about the other person than you, it can be a sign that control is being disguised as boundaries.
Boundaries aren’t the rules we set for others; they’re the limits we set for ourselves within relationships. That means, if the other person’s behavior bothers you or pushes you to the limit, you have to take responsibility and change your response rather than trying to change the other person.
The following statements are examples of control that have been misconstrued as boundaries:
- “You can’t speak to other men/women.”
- “I’ll tell you what to wear.”
- “If you have a different opinion to me, this isn’t going to work.”
- “You have to give me all your passwords.”
From these examples, it’s evident that these “boundaries” stem from insecurity rather than wanting the best for you or the relationship. By exerting control (“you can’t do this/you must do that.”), they might feel more secure, but you end up with less freedom.
The element of control comes in when the other person gradually takes away your freedom until you no longer have control over your own life, who you hang out with, what you do with your time, etc.
Controlling people tend to lack boundaries (maybe because they grew up in an unbounded environment) and, therefore, have misguided expectations about other people’s boundaries, e.g., that they shouldn’t have any.
That’s why setting boundaries from the very beginning is essential. Often, people are incompatible, and that’s okay—you can just move on without forcing someone to change.
For example, if you don’t like how another person dresses, you can move on. If you don’t like their social media activity, find someone else.
In a healthy relationship, you compromise, but you respect and support each other’s boundaries without coercion, fear, or guilt.
Are You Confusing Boundaries with Control?
Sometimes, in a bid to have our needs met, we might become controlling. If you want to relinquish control and embrace true love and growth, consider the following:
What is the cost of control?
Your partner might comply, but they will lose their trust and love for you and grow resentful and emotionally absent over time.
Can you control another person?
The only person you have control over is you. No matter how much you try, the other person will not change until they are ready to.
Do you like your freedom being taken away?
Relationships are about freedom. You agree to each other’s boundaries but remain two separate individuals. How does it make you feel when another person tries to control you?
Control creates distance rather than closeness. When you accept this reality and the fact that you cannot change another person, you make room for closeness and growth.
Are you dependent?
Do you rely on your partner to meet all of your needs? The love, approval, and forgiveness you seek must come from within you and should be spread across the people you know.
It shouldn’t be limited to your partner.
Does a difference of opinion feel like an attack on you?
If you overly define yourself by your partner and relationship, it will feel like an attack against you if they disagree or make a different decision.
When you define yourself by your own boundaries, you’ll realize their feelings and decisions have more to do with them than you.
My Boyfriend Thinks my Boundaries are Controlling
When your boyfriend accuses you of being controlling for setting boundaries, it can be a sign of a deeper issue within the relationship.
Healthy boundaries are a crucial component of any successful partnership. They help foster respect, trust, and open communication between partners.
If your boyfriend struggles to accept your boundaries, it may be due to several reasons:
- He may not fully understand the concept of boundaries and why they are important.
- He may be prioritizing his own desires over your comfort and well-being.
- He may have a history of pushing against boundaries in previous relationships.
To address this issue, start by openly and honestly conversing with your boyfriend.
Explain the reasoning behind your boundaries and emphasize that they are not an attempt to control him but rather a way for you to communicate your needs and expectations within the relationship.
Help him understand that boundaries are a two-way street and that he has the right to set his own boundaries as well.
If your boyfriend continues to push against your boundaries or accuses you of being controlling, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship.
Ask yourself whether he respects you and your needs or if he consistently prioritizes his own desires. A partner who truly cares for you will be willing to work together to find a compromise that works for both of you.
Ultimately, it’s important to remember that you have the right to set boundaries in your relationship. If your boyfriend is unwilling to respect those boundaries or work with you to find a solution, it may be a sign that the relationship is not healthy or sustainable in the long run.
Trust your instincts, prioritize your well-being, and surround yourself with people who value and respect you.
