Boundaries are about defining your own personal space, limits, and needs. They are a way to communicate what you are comfortable with and will not tolerate in a relationship.
Boundaries are essential for maintaining your own well-being and sense of self within a relationship.
Rules are more about controlling or restricting the other person’s behavior. When one partner imposes rules on the other, it can violate their autonomy and independence.
Rules are often associated with consequences or punishments if they are not followed, which can create a sense of fear or resentment in the relationship.
The difference between a boundary and a rule can seem subtle, but there are some important differences. Rules can be restrictive and controlling, while boundaries are about communicating and owning your needs and limits.
Analogy of Rules and Boundaries
Psychologist Dr Sarah Davies described boundaries as being like a garden fence. You’re the garden, and the fence around you outlines your space and limits.
You can see and communicate with people over the fence, but it provides safety and security and a clear boundary for people to see and understand. It’s firm and stable but allows some room for movement.
Rules are more like building a fence around the other person. You enclose them into a space you think is appropriate, and if they break the fence (the rules), they’ll be punished.
That’s a key difference: boundaries are about you, and rules are about the other person.
You can only invite others to respect your boundaries – if they don’t, the onus is on you to take action that protects your well-being.
Key Differences
Focus
When you impose rules, your focus is on restricting and controlling the other person.
When you communicate your boundaries, your focus is on your needs and well-being and how you will protect them.
Ownership
When you impose rules, you make the other person responsible for how you feel and behave (“You’re making me feel bad because you don’t want to be in a committed relationship.”).
Having healthy boundaries means taking ownership of your own emotions, behaviors, and choices (“Casual dating isn’t for me so we’re incompatible and I’m going to end it”).
Autonomy
Imposing rules restricts the other person’s autonomy (“You’re not allowed to do this.”).
Healthy boundaries provide autonomy for both individuals (“This is how I need to be loved to feel safe – take it or leave.”).
Adaptability
Boundaries are flexible and can be adapted to suit changing needs, contexts, and when there is mutual agreement.
Rules are inflexible and rigid and aren’t usually the result of discussion and mutual agreement but enforcement.
Communication
Rules are enforced rather than communicated (“You must do this or else…”).
Boundaries are communicated about and framed as personal limits and needs (“I like this/I don’t like that”).
Consequences
Breaking the rules often results in punishment (e.g., silent treatment, shouting, withdrawal of affection).
When a boundary has been crossed, it’s spoken about, and the boundary-setter implements an action that protects their well-being (“I can’t see you until you get help for your addiction”).
Outcomes
Because rules are inflexible and controlling, and non-compliance results in punishment, they can cause resentment and rebellion.
They don’t allow people to grow together but rather push people further apart.
Healthy boundaries create trust, closeness, understanding, and bring people closer together.
Examples of Rules vs. Boundaries
Rules
Boundaries are about communication and taking ownership of your needs and limits. They allow freedom – you invite the other to love you in a way that makes you feel respected and valued – while rules are restrictive and limiting.
- “You can’t speak to other women/men.”
- “You have to spend every weekend with me.”
- “If you don’t reply to my texts immediately, I’m going to get very angry.”
- “You have to dress in this way/ you can’t dress that way.”
Boundaries
Rules are imposed on the other person to control them and mold them into the person you want and expect them to be. They tend to stem from insecurity, fear, and needing control to feel secure.
- “It makes me feel insecure when you like other women’s/men’s suggestive photos on social media. Can we talk about that?”
- “I like to spend half an hour alone when I get home from work so I can unwind.”
- “It’s important to me to spend time with my family and friends at the weekend but I know you like to see me as much as possible so let’s find a compromise.”
Rules of Practicing Non-Monogamy
Non-monogamous relationships are diverse and give people the freedom to express themselves and their love in many ways.
This makes them attractive and exciting to many people – but it can also make them more complicated than classical monogamy (which can be rather complex in itself).
It raises the question of what rules or boundaries are important to keep a non-monogamous relationship happy and fulfilling?
In the initial phase, when people are getting to know each other or are deciding to open up their previously monogamous relationship, it’s important to lay down some ground rules – which eventually become boundaries.
People ask themselves: What am I comfortable with? Where are my limits?
For example, I’m comfortable with my partner having sex with people outside of my friendship circle but I’m not comfortable with him pursuing my friends.
Initially, this might be a rule (“You can’t sleep with my friends.”) that’s meant to lay a foundation of trust through providing limits.
As the relationship evolves and trust continues to grow, certain rules will change – some might become less rigid or cease to matter while others stay the same.
If limits are explored together, and each person involved takes ownership of his/her feelings and choices, rules become boundaries.
For example, my partner pursues a friend of mine despite knowing my boundary. If I blame and punish him that would make it a rule aimed at control.
If instead I say, “I’m not comfortable with that and you crossed a line so I’m going to implement this action to protect myself”, I’m taking responsibility and communicating a boundary.
Rules of non-monogamous relationships should be more like boundaries because they don’t have the purpose of controlling your partner, they’re there to bring more freedom into the relationship and protect your sense of security and well-being.
