Setting boundaries in the early stages of dating will set the tone for the rest of the relationship.
Boundaries are limits and rules you set within relationships – what you want and need and what is acceptable and unacceptable to you.
Even if you’ve just met someone or you’re dating on a casual basis, boundaries protect your well-being and allow you to enjoy the relationships you have.
Setting Boundaries in the Early Stages of Dating
From the very first moment you meet someone, your language and behavior communicate your boundaries to the other person. They tell them who you are, how you expect to be treated, and how you treat other people.
For example, if someone messages you on social media or a dating app asking for “nudes”, your response (or lack thereof) will communicate a boundary.
If that’s your thing, you might engage with it and thereby set the tone for the relationship. If you’re not interested in that, you’ll say no or ignore them and thereby communicate your limit.
The initial conversations between you and how the first date goes will establish the baseline for your relationship.
As therapist Jenna Nielsen explains, “Don’t assume you know what the other person is thinking. You need to have clear expectations from the beginning and not be afraid to ask questions when they arise.”
Boundaries are as much about your rules and limits as they are about choice.
You have to be honest about who you are and what you want otherwise you can’t establish boundaries that are actually helpful. If the other person doesn’t match your values, it’s your choice whether you stay or go.
Your approach should not be, “How can I get that person to like me?” Instead, you should be asking: are we compatible? Do we want the same things? Can I imagine dating/ having a relationship with this person? Do our values align?
Then, you decide whether you want to continue.
Here’s some advice for setting boundaries early on:
What Are Your Boundaries?
Your boundaries – your choice.
Don’t allow other people to influence what’s okay and what’s not okay for you.
Some boundaries are more fluid and change over time as you get to know someone better; others are set in stone and are not up for discussion.
Here are a few questions to get you thinking about your boundaries:
- Are you looking for a casual relationship? Is that truly what you want or is it societal pressure?
- What kind of behavior is an absolute deal-breaker (e.g., sexist jokes or constantly being on their phone)?
- What behavior are you uncomfortable with (e.g., flirting with other people when you’re there)?
- What will you tolerate in terms of communication? E.g., how much communication, what kind of communication, etc.
- Are you okay with the other person having other partners? Do you want other partners?
- What will you do about protection and safety when it comes to sex?
- What are your soft and hard limits in terms of sex?
- Are you comfortable sleeping with someone on your first date? Do you prefer to take time to get to know someone first?
Be Honest About Who You Are
If you hide yourself and don’t speak up because you want to please the other person or want them to like you, you’ll find it very difficult to get your needs met and implement your boundaries.
Take Responsibility
Your boundaries are your responsibility.
Don’t wait for the other person to ask what your boundaries are – communicate what you like and don’t like, what you’re looking for, what your deal-breakers are, and what kind of relationship you want.
Approach With Confidence
Knowing your worth and taking responsibility for your feelings, behaviors, and choices means you approach people with confidence.
If they don’t like who you are, move on. If you’re compatible – great, see where it goes!
Questions to Help You Establish Boundaries
Here are some questions you can ask the other person that will allow you to gauge whether you’re on the same page about boundaries and lifestyle.
About themselves:
- How do you like to spend your free time?
- What are your goals?
- Do you use social media/ how do you use social media?
- What do you do to stay active?
- What’s most important to you in life (life values)?
About their relationship style:
- What kind of relationship are you looking for?
- What does a healthy relationship look like to you?
- How do you feel about non-monogamy/ monogamy?
- What kind of communication do you prefer in relationships?
- What’s most important to you in relationships (relationship values)?
- What are your thoughts on marriage and children?
- What did you learn from your previous relationship(s)?
- What makes you feel loved i.e., what’s your love language? (words of affirmation; acts of service; physical touch; quality time; receiving gifts)
- What are relationship deal-breakers for you?
- What constitutes cheating in your eyes?
Maintaining Boundaries
Setting and maintaining boundaries is an ongoing process, as you’re unlikely to figure them all out on the first few dates.
Things will come up as you go along and that means you’re constantly assessing whether you’re comfortable and feel valued.
Even if you’re in a casual relationship or “situationship” you still want your boundaries to be respected.
Reflect on:
- What’s happening between us right now?
- Am I comfortable with our situation and the way they treat me?
- Are we on the same page?
- Where do I want this to go?
- What can I do to ensure my boundaries are protected and I’m respecting their boundaries?
Regardless of what kind of relationship you’re having, open and honest communication is always better.
If a boundary has been crossed, you have to communicate that, but make it about yourself (your boundary) rather than them.
For example, if you don’t like being on your phone all day but they constantly message you and expect a response, tell them something like, “I’m not someone that likes texting all day so don’t be offended if I don’t always reply.” Instead of saying “Stop texting me all the time.”
As mentioned above, boundaries are about you and your choices, especially when you’ve only just started dating.
If you don’t like the way someone interacts and treats you, take ownership of your feelings and decide what’s best for you.
Social Media Boundaries
Social media is a way to connect and relate to other people and therefore requires boundaries.
Setting boundaries on your own social media use is good for your mental health (e.g., how much time you spend scrolling or not using your phone after a certain time).
But it’s just as important to consider and discuss social media with your partner. You might not want them to follow certain accounts or prefer it if they put their phone away when you’re having a conversation.
When it’s a casual relationship, certain boundaries might be desirable like “Please don’t post pictures/ stories of me on your social media”.
Here are some considerations to make regarding social media boundaries:
- What do you consider acceptable and unacceptable social media behavior?
- What are your thoughts on using your phone when you’re with your partner/date?
- Do you spend a lot of time on your phone? How do you feel about the people you’re with being on their phones constantly?
- How do you feel about posting about your relationship/ partner?
- How do you feel about your partner not posting about your relationship?
- Do you feel comfortable with your partner sharing suggestive pictures of themselves?
- What constitutes cheating online? What constitutes micro-cheating? E.g., flirting and speaking to other people, sending personal messages, using suggestive emojis, liking other people’s pictures, following certain accounts, etc.
Advice on Setting Social Media Boundaries
- Discuss social media with your partner and gauge early on how they use it and whether that’s okay with you.
- If you have certain limits regarding social media (e.g., “don’t post about me”) let them know as soon as possible.
- Nurture honesty in your relationship (even if it’s casual). That means asking open-ended questions and being curious about their answer (leave judgment and condemnation out of it). Don’t punish someone for being honest with you, even if you don’t like the answer.
- Address what’s bothering you when you both have time and mental capacity for it. Ask them, “I’m struggling with some of the things you’ve been posting on social media. When’s a good time to talk?”
- Everyone has the right to use social media as they wish (as long as it’s ethical and legal), including the people you’re dating. When you know early on how the other person uses social media, you can decide whether that aligns with your values and boundaries. For example, if you don’t want to date someone who uses OnlyFans, it makes more sense to find someone else rather than trying to change the other person.
