How to Be Friends With An Ex

Staying friends with an ex can be tricky, but if you set the right boundaries, it can be a fulfilling and positive relationship.

You might be wondering, “If we didn’t make it as a couple, does that also mean we can’t make it as friends?” It depends on the reasons for breaking up, the emotional maturity of the people involved, and your ability to set and maintain strong boundaries.

You’ve shared your life for months or years, and when it comes to an end, it can feel like a huge part of your life (and yourself) is missing. You might want to keep them in your life but aren’t sure how to go about it.

The first thing you must ask yourself before proceeding is why you want to stay friends with them.

Why Do You Want to Stay Friends?

Finding out the answer to this question takes some deep and honest reflection.

Do you treasure them as a person and want to keep them in your life? Maybe you share similar interests and hobbies that you want to continue doing together, or you cherish their support and guidance.

Do you want to stay friends with them because you’re in the same friendship circles or because you have a business or project together?

You might have children or other reasons why you will need to continue to have contact. Maybe being friends would make the inevitable interactions easier.

Or, do you still have feelings for them and want to keep them close? Maybe your desire to stay friends with them comes from wanting them back or to ensure they don’t meet someone else.

If you still have feelings for them and hope that you’ll get back together, you can’t be friends. Friendships are platonic so if you still have romantic feelings for your ex, it might be better to keep some distance until you’ve moved on (or be honest about your feelings and see whether they’re reciprocated).

To be friends with an ex, it’s important to have firm boundaries that ensure you stay in the friend zone – otherwise, things will get messy and complicated pretty quickly.

Prerequisites for Being Friends with an Ex

If you want to stay friends with an ex, certain prerequisites should be in place, including:

No Romantic Feelings

People fall out of love but that doesn’t mean you don’t care about the other person anymore. You can love and care about them platonically – that means, without lust, desire, or romantic yearning.

If all romantic feelings from both sides have subsided, it’s possible to be friends.

Closure

Old resentments and issues that stem from the relationship should be resolved before you attempt to be friends.

Becoming friends with an ex is like starting a fresh page and everything that came before has been let go of (though not forgotten).

Compersion

Compersion means you feel genuine joy and happiness for the other person even when their joy has nothing to do with you.

It means you’re not jealous, resentful, or spiteful when they meet someone new, have good experiences without you, or seem to be doing well. You’re happy for them, just like a friend would be.

Reasons Not to Stay Friends

Unprocessed Feelings

If you’re still in love with your ex or still harbor strong feelings about them and the relationship, these need to be addressed before you can be friends.

You might still be upset with them for the way they behaved or treated you, or secretly pine for them. If that’s the case, maybe take a step back and do some work on your own before you consider being friends with your ex.

Constant Bickering and Arguments

If you’re constantly arguing or bickering, then maybe it’s too soon for you to be friends.

You might need a cooling-off period or maybe you just have incompatible personalities – either way, if there’s a lot of conflict, it’s a sign you’re not ready for friendship.

Also, constant conflict is exhausting, so eliminate it from your life as much as possible, even if that means letting go of certain relationships and people you care about but that aren’t good for you.

Jealousy

If you feel jealous and possessive over your ex, it’s a sign you’re not over them (and vice versa). Now that the relationship is over, you must move on with your lives and wish the best for one another.

If you can’t do that, you might both be better off keeping your distance.

Old Dynamics Die Hard

If you’ve been in a relationship with someone for a while, it can be hard to let go of the old dynamics.

You might find it hard to be in each other’s company without touching or flirting, or you might still want to have a significant influence over his/her life.

But if you want to be friends, you have to develop an entirely new dynamic which is why boundaries are so important.

Setting Boundaries with Your Ex

Setting boundaries with your ex is vital if you want to stay friends.

As long as you’re on the same page, no longer feel romantic or sexual feelings, experience compersion for each other, and let go of old dynamics, you can work on building a friendship.

Here’s some advice:

Be Clear on Why You Broke Up

There are many reasons why people’s relationships end. If you’re considering staying friends with them, that probably means things ended relatively amicably, and you still have positive feelings towards each other.

However, it’s good to ensure that there’s no uncertainty left and you’re both on the same page about why you broke up. That way, you can stay friends, knowing that any romantic/sexual feelings and desires have passed.

Define the Friendzone

Once you’ve established that you don’t have romantic and sexual feelings for each other and mutually agree that you want to be friends, you should define what a friendship looks like for you. For example,

• What are the boundaries around contacting each other?
• How often will you see each other?
• What topics are off-limits?
• Do you share details about your sexual/romantic encounters?
• What do you want from the friendship?

Clear Communication

Boundaries require clear communication. You let the other person know where your limits are and what you need from the relationship.

For example, you might want to continue being running/jogging partners, but you won’t have much contact outside of that.

If the other oversteps a boundary, for example, if they’re flirting or asking too many questions about your love life, you have to communicate clearly that they’re breaching the terms of your friendship.

Also, if you notice that the friendship isn’t working, maybe because you’ve realized you still have feelings or because you want to move on without them, you should communicate that.

Boundary Suggestions

Certain boundaries must be in place if you want to be friends and avoid confusion. Here are some suggestions but ultimately, it’s up to you how you design and maintain your friendship.

1. Limit contact – if you’re still texting every day and calling each other all the time, it will be difficult to move on.
2. Don’t publish posts about your ex on social media – this can confuse things and might upset their new partner if they have one.
3. Don’t stalk them online – if you’re stalking them, are you really over them?
4. Respect their privacy and expect them to respect yours – if they/you don’t want to discuss certain things about their/your life with the other, respect that.
5. Accept and be respectful of their new partner – your relationship is over and both of you are moving on, which means you’ll both probably find new partners. If you can’t be happy for them, you should do the right thing and end the friendship.
6. Don’t talk to their new partner about your past relationship – if you meet their new partner, don’t talk about the fact that you used to be together and give details about your relationship. It’s not your place to do so.
7. Keep the conversations light and breezy – it depends on your relationship but if emotional conversations tend to end up in arguments or too much “reminiscing about the good old days”, maybe it’s best to keep it light and breezy.
8. Don’t give unsolicited love advice – unless your ex asks you, resist the need to give them love advice. It’s best to stay out of their love life unless you’re both comfortable discussing these topics.
9. Don’t rely on them for emotional support – things can get complicated if you continue to call them up when you’re feeling down or need advice. It might be best to have those conversations with other friends or family.
10. Hang out when other people are around – this will make it easier to stay friendly, especially after you’ve first broken up.
11. Flirting, touching, and sex are off-limits – if you want to stay friends, avoid going down the road of “friends with benefits” as this can complicate things.
12. Limit discussions about your past relationship – constantly going over the past will limit your ability to move forward. Start on a fresh page and make new memories together.

Know when it’s time to admit defeat – if your attempts at being friends fail for whatever reason, it might be time to let it go and move on. When the friendship causes more stress or anguish than joy, it’s probably time to call it quits.