Ghosting, which refers to suddenly cutting off all communication with someone without any explanation or warning, is considered disrespectful and hurtful. Open and honest communication is usually better for resolving issues or ending a relationship.
However, there are certain circumstances where some degree of “ghosting” could be understandable or even appropriate.
If someone genuinely feels that communicating with a person could lead to harm, then limiting or cutting off contact can be a valid choice. But in the majority of cases where safety isn’t a concern, open and honest communication is usually the best approach.
When Is It Not OK to Ghost Someone?
Ghosting is generally considered inappropriate in most situations due to its potential to cause confusion, hurt feelings, and misunderstandings. It can leave the other person confused, anxious, and wondering what went wrong.
Treating others with respect and empathy through clear communication is a better approach than ghosting. Even if the conversation is difficult, it shows maturity and consideration for the other person’s feelings.
“It’s kinda the coward’s way out, honestly, um, be upfront about your feelings you know, if you are gonna cut someone off give ‘em reasons too. It’s not healthy for you and it’s not healthy for the other person, you know, there’s a lot of open-ended questions in that and you do not wanna have those rattling around the other person’s brain.”
Avoidance of confrontation
Avoidance of confrontation is a common reason for ghosting in modern dating. Some individuals find it challenging to directly communicate their feelings or intentions to end a relationship, fearing the potential discomfort or conflict that may arise from a face-to-face conversation or even a text message.
Ghosting allows them to escape these difficult situations by simply cutting off all communication without providing an explanation.
This behavior is often seen as a way to sidestep the emotional labor involved in breaking up with someone, as well as a means to avoid any potential backlash or attempts to change their mind.
While ghosting may provide temporary relief for the ghoster, it can leave the person on the receiving end feeling confused, hurt, and disrespected.
As people mature and gain more experience in handling emotions and communication, they may become less likely to resort to ghosting as a means of ending relationships.
“…When I was in high school I would do [ghosting] all the time. I would just, like, block, block, block. I feel like it was, just…more harder, or I would just be more shy to tell them so I would just avoid the confrontation, but now…it’s not that hard. You just tell them…”
Ghostees as socially inferior
In some cases, ghosters justify their behavior by perceiving the ghostees as socially inferior or awkward. By ascribing negative qualities to the people they ghost, such as being “clingy,” “pushy,” “annoying,” “insecure,” or “weak,” ghosters may feel that their actions are warranted.
This perception of social inferiority can lead ghosters to believe that the ghostees are not worthy of a proper explanation or closure.
For example, ghostees may be perceived as weak individuals who lack the ability to set boundaries and have unrealistic expectations.
However, it is important to note that some ghosters acknowledge that anyone can be subjected to ghosting, regardless of their perceived social status.
Short-term orientation
Some ghosters exhibit a short-term orientation, which can be a reason for their ghosting behavior. They may view others as disposable or use them for specific purposes, rather than investing in long-term relationships.
This mindset can stem from the perception of endless opportunities available through social media, leading ghosters to believe that if one person doesn’t work out, they can easily find another.
Ghosters with a short-term orientation are sometimes described as “players” or “popular” individuals with numerous options. They may talk to many people simultaneously and quickly block or dismiss those they find even slightly undesirable, continuing this pattern until they find someone they like.
This behavior can be influenced by their own experiences and habits, as they may have previously engaged in similar actions themselves.
Additionally, some ghosters may be driven by a fear of commitment rather than a desire to “play” others. Past experiences with toxic or abusive relationships, or growing up in an unstable household, can contribute to this fear and lead to ghosting as a means of avoiding deeper connections.
Here are a few examples in which ghosting is generally not okay:
- You and your best friend have a disagreement, and instead of addressing it, you abruptly cut off all communication and ignore their attempts to reach out.
- You have been on several dates with someone, but you realize you are no longer interested, so you stop replying to their messages.
- You have been dating someone and you are starting to catch feelings, but your fear of commitment tells you to pull away. Although you tell them you will call them tomorrow, you never do and stop replying to their messages and calls.
- You’ve been in a committed relationship for several months, and you suddenly stop responding to calls and messages without explaining your reasons for doing so.
- You’ve been living with a roommate for a while, and you decide to move out without giving them any notice or explanation.
- A person you have been on a few dates with messages you often, and you are feeling overwhelmed. You like their messages and send the occasional emoji, but you do not respond fully (Example of soft ghosting).
- You make plans to attend a social event with friends, but you decide not to show up without informing anyone, leaving them wondering what happened.
- You’ve been chatting with someone online and decide to abruptly stop responding without letting them know you’re no longer interested in continuing the conversation.
When Is It Acceptable to Ghost Someone?
In situations where you genuinely feel that your emotional, mental, or physical safety is at risk, it can be acceptable to cut off communication as a way to protect yourself.
Your safety and well-being are of utmost importance, and if you fear that engaging in communication could lead to harm or escalation, taking measures to distance yourself, including ghosting, can be a necessary step.
The following situations are examples of circumstances where some degree of ghosting could be acceptable:
Consistent Disrespect, Harm, or Manipulation
If someone’s behavior is consistently disrespectful, harmful, or manipulative, it’s crucial to prioritize your own well-being.
If engaging in a conversation with them is likely to lead to further harm or distress, distancing yourself through ghosting could be a way to protect yourself.
Especially if your attempts at communication have failed to address the issue and they continue to exhibit harmful behavior, you might feel justified in ghosting to protect your mental and emotional well-being.
Safety Concerns
If you feel unsafe or threatened by someone, it’s critical to prioritize your own safety. In such cases, abruptly cutting off communication might be a necessary protective measure.
Prioritizing personal safety should always take precedence. If you believe ghosting is the safest course of action, do what you need to protect yourself.
Discomfort
Ghosting someone who makes you feel uncomfortable can also be a valid choice, particularly if you’ve already attempted to address the discomfort and the behavior continues.
If someone’s presence or behavior consistently makes you uncomfortable, you have the right to protect yourself from further discomfort.
If your gut feeling is telling you that ghosting is the best option to protect your emotional well-being, trust yourself. You know your feelings and limits better than anyone else.
“I think if you are talking to someone and… you communicated your feelings and you told them, ‘I’m not into this,’ and they do not stop, then ghosting’s the best thing you can do, like, they keep like pressuring you, texting you, calling you and you have already communicated with them that you do not intend to pursue any of that then ghosting’s the option.”
Lack of Emotional Energy
While not ideal, some people might choose to ghost if they are struggling with their own mental health issues and do not have the emotional capacity to engage in a conversation about ending the relationship.
When you feel emotionally drained, overwhelmed, or exhausted, engaging in interactions, especially difficult or emotionally charged ones, can feel like an insurmountable task.
If you’ve clearly communicated your need for distance and explained your state of mind to the other person, but they continue to contact you despite your wishes, it’s important to take steps to protect your boundaries and well-being.
One-sided or Casual Relationships
If you’ve repeatedly tried to communicate your feelings or concerns to someone and they consistently dismiss or disregard them, it’s possible that they’ve already demonstrated an unwillingness to engage in healthy communication.
In these cases, gradually distancing yourself might be a valid option.
Or, if you had a very brief and casual relationship where there was not a significant emotional attachment, you might feel that ghosting is acceptable.
However, even in these cases, a simple and courteous explanation can help maintain a sense of respect.
How Can You Stop Talking to Someone Without Ghosting Them?
Stopping communication with someone without resorting to ghosting involves approaching the situation with honesty, clarity, and respect.
Unless you are dealing with one of the scenarios mentioned above (e.g., abuse, harassment), you should clearly express your feelings and intentions.
Being honest and direct is important so you avoid leading the person on or creating false hope.
While you should be honest, avoid assigning blame or criticizing the other person’s behavior and instead focus on your own feelings and needs.
You don’t need to go into extensive detail, though. A clear, concise message that conveys your intentions is sufficient.
If the person responds to your message, be prepared to listen and respond, but maintain your boundaries. If they have questions or express their feelings, show empathy without compromising your decision.
Remember that even though you’re ending communication, you can still do so with kindness and empathy. Treating others with respect is always a good practice.
Here are a few suggestions for what you can say to stop talking to someone while being respectful and considerate:
- “I’ve appreciated our interactions, but I think it’s best for me to take some time for myself right now.”
- “I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I have some personal things I need to focus on right now.”
- “I’ve been feeling emotionally drained lately and need some space to recharge.”
- “I think it’s time for both of us to move on in our own directions.”
- “I’ve enjoyed the time we’ve spent talking, but I think it’s best for me to step back for a while.”
FAQs
Is It OK to Ghost Someone You Have Never Met?
If you’ve only had a few brief online interactions with someone you’ve never met in person, and you decide that you’re not interested in pursuing further communication, it’s generally okay to simply stop responding.
If the person is making you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, it’s also acceptable to ghost.
In such cases, it might even be best to block or disconnect altogether.
However, if you have never met a person but have invested a significant amount of time or emotional energy into the interaction, it can be more considerate to provide a brief explanation for your decision to disengage.
Is It Acceptable to Soft Ghost Someone?
While soft ghosting might be seen as a milder form of ghosting, it can still leave the other person feeling confused, frustrated, or hurt.
If the reason for distancing yourself is a lack of interest or a need for space, consider communicating that directly. A brief and honest message can provide closure and prevent unnecessary confusion.
While soft ghosting might seem like a less confrontational option, being open and respectful in your communication tends to lead to more positive outcomes for both parties involved.
In the end, how you handle the situation depends on your values, the context of the relationship, and your assessment of how the other person might react.
Should I Apologize for Ghosting Someone?
Apologizing for ghosting someone can be a considerate and empathetic gesture, especially if you feel that your sudden lack of communication may have caused confusion, hurt feelings, or distress.
However, whether or not to apologize depends on the situation, the nature of your relationship, and your genuine feelings about the matter.
If it was a close friend, a romantic partner, or someone you’ve had a meaningful connection with, an apology might be more appropriate. But, if you ghosted due to reasons that are legitimate (such as concerns for your safety), you might not need to apologize.
Remember that an apology can provide closure and healing for both parties involved, but it’s not always necessary or appropriate in every situation. Ultimately, it’s a personal decision that depends on your assessment of the situation and your intentions moving forward.
Is Ghosting a Toxic Friend OK?
Ghosting a toxic friend can sometimes be a necessary step for your own well-being, especially if the friendship has become emotionally draining, manipulative, or harmful.
It’s always best to try to communicate your issues and concerns first through open and honest communication. But if you’ve already tried to express your concerns and nothing has changed, ghosting might be a valid choice.
While ghosting might be understandable in the context of a toxic friendship, whenever possible, opting for open communication and boundary-setting can be healthier for all parties involved.
This article was edited by Julia Simkus.
Sources
Wu, K., & Bamishigbin, O. (2023). When silence speaks louder than words: Exploring the experiences and attitudes of ghosters. Personal Relationships, 30(4), 1358-1382.
