Narcissistic supply refers to the attention, admiration, validation, and power that individuals with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) constantly seek from others. To some extent, we all need positive feedback, love, and validation to feel good about ourselves.
But narcissists, most specifically pathological narcissists, have an excessive need for attention and control to maintain their inflated sense of self-importance and grandiosity.
Their whole life revolves around feeding this supply because it’s the only way to maintain their fragile self-esteem.
As in the Greek myth of Narcissus, narcissists are in love with the image of themselves – not their actual selves. This image they have created is referred to as the “False Self.” Only this False Self is presented to the world; their authentic self is hidden in the depth of their subconscious, inaccessible even to the narcissist.
The False Self is a grandiose fantasy, a protective fortress that narcissists build as a defense mechanism against the invalidating environment they experienced in childhood. This self can only be upheld through constant validation, admiration, and attention from others, and as such, it is fragile.
The narcissist does not care whether the attention is negative or positive, as long they are the center of attention. But no amount of attention is ever enough; their need for recognition is like a bottomless pit, an inner abyss that will never be filled.
They never feel satisfied and are constantly searching for more, harvesting the people around them for attention and admiration. As a result, other people become the narcissist’s source of narcissistic supply.
Examples of Narcissistic Supply
Narcissistic supply can take various forms depending on the individual because, just like everybody else, narcissists differ in their motivation, personality, and needs.
However, according to Sam Vaknin, a leading expert on narcissism, narcissistic supply can be generalized and categorized into primary and secondary forms.
There are countless types of supply, which they can get from countless suppliers. Every person in a narcissist’s life serves a different function.
Some might be there to give praise and compliments, while others might show them fear, confirming their dominance.
Primary Narcissistic Supply
Primary narcissistic supply refers to the essential and constant sources of attention and validation. This type of supply is like a drug for narcissists; they are addicted to receiving attention, either good or bad.
Other people only serve one purpose — to provide admiration, worship, and praise. However, some narcissists are also just as happy with being feared or hated, as long as they are the topic of conversation.
Primary narcissistic supply typically comes from individuals who play a significant role in the narcissist’s life and provide the most consistent and reliable supply.
Examples include
- Emotional validation, such as compliments, expressions of admiration, positive affirmations, and praises (e.g., in the communal domain)
- Intellectual superiority
- Power and control (e.g., receiving validation through obedience, fear, or deference)
- Achievements and accomplishments
- Sexual conquests/ “trophy partners”
Secondary Narcissistic Supply
Secondary narcissistic supply refers to additional or supplementary sources of attention, admiration, and validation that narcissists seek outside of their primary relationships.
Narcissists want to project to the outside world that they live a successful, secure, and luxurious life.
They want to be seen as an important member of society who lives beyond social norms (e.g. traveling the world or living a bachelor/bachelorette lifestyle).
Their goal is for people to admire and envy them for the image they portray.
Example include
- Having a successful spouse or child
- Wealth, luxurious possessions, or high social status
- Having a lot of likes or followers on social media
- Owning a business or being a leader in their industry
- Flattery and praise from strangers
- Public recognition, such as speaking engagements, awards, or public appearances
- General success
- Being the leader or member of a group
- Being closely connected to people with political, financial, military, spiritual, and/ or social authority
Why Do Narcissists Need Supply?
Narcissists need supply due to their fragile sense of self-worth and their deep-rooted insecurities. They lack an authentic internal sense of self, so they project a “False Self” to the world that can only be maintained if it is constantly attended to and validated.
They are so self-obsessed that they have very limited empathetic capacity. They are unable to form meaningful emotional connections because their pursuit of supply comes at a cost for the people around them.
But, how does this need for supply develop in the first place?
The need for narcissistic supply is believed to stem from a combination of genetic, environmental, and psychological factors.
Childhood experiences play a crucial role in shaping a person’s self-esteem and sense of self-worth. While environment alone cannot be the sole cause of narcissism, there are two types of environments that are thought to significantly contribute to the development of narcissism.
The Neglected Child’s Fortress
Children who are neglected and grow up in environments where their emotional needs are not adequately met tend to develop narcissistic traits as a defense mechanism. They create a fantasy world in which they are loved, revered, and respected – this fantasy world, or protective fortress, is the foundation of their narcissism.
But, this fantasy needs to be confirmed by other people – it must be reflected back to the narcissist as confirmation that others see them the way they want to be seen.
They depend on the opinions and validations of other people because growing up they were unable to develop a sense of self.
As such, these children develop the belief that they are only worthy if they are admired and esteemed by other, so they seek the supply that confirms this.
The Grandiose Child’s Reality Check
Alternatively, a child who is overindulged with praise and special treatment can also develop narcissism. This typically occurs when one or both of the child’s parents have narcissistic traits and project their own grandiosity onto their child, treating him/her as an extension of themselves.
They are constantly told how special, intelligent, and beautiful they are and that they are superior to all other people.
Naturally, these children go through life expecting the same treatment from everyone. They seek confirmation to uphold their grandiose self-perception and feed their inflated ego.
However, they just tend to be treated like everybody else: as a “normal” person. In some cases, they are even bullied or ridiculed for their pretentiousness.
Methods That Narcissists Use to Gain Supply
Narcissists employ various methods and tactics to gain their supply. Some examples include attracting attention, telling lies, playing the victim, committing crimes, or exerting their dominance.
Narcissists earn their supply from other people, so any type of attention will feed their insatiable ego. Once they have found a way to get attention, they will utilize it.
Attention-seeking and Provoking Behavior
Narcissists enjoy being able to evoke an emotional reaction in others – whether it’s admiration, excitement, anger, or distress.
Narcissists often possess a charismatic and charming demeanor, which helps them attract and captivate others. Some narcissists can be flamboyant, flashy, and loud. Others might be argumentative and controversial in an attempt to get a reaction out of others.
Narcissists thrive on conflict. They may employ tactics such as gaslighting, emotional blackmail, or guilt-tripping to elicit emotional reactions and keep others engaged in their dynamics.
Telling Lies
Narcissists often tell lies or exaggerate stories to portray themselves in a favorable or prosperous way. They want others to admire them and envy their success. Narcissists are not interested in the truth; they are skilled manipulators who want to control and influence others.
Sam Vaknin, author of Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited, explains that “appearances count more than substance, what matters is not the truth but its perception.”
Playing the Victim
Narcissists may play the victim to gain supply. They create narratives to portray themselves as the ones who have been wronged to garner sympathy and elicit support.
They might complain about how difficult their life is or allege that “everyone is always against me” if they believe their power is threatened.
Criminality
Committing crimes (successfully) or toying with the law can also be a source of supply for some narcissists.
They might brag about their criminal history or boast about how “bad” they are to maintain their sense of power and superiority. Being on the news or in a documentary would make it an even richer source of supply.
Exerting Dominance
An important element of narcissistic supply is control and dominance. Narcissists need to have command over their environment and the people in it.
They might devalue and demean others to assert dominance and bully or abuse people into submission.
How Do You Know If You Serve as Narcissistic Supply?
More often than not, if you have a relationship with a narcissist, you are a source of supply for them – regardless of whether the attention you are giving them is positive or negative.
Pathological narcissists do not have the capacity to care about other people –others merely serve the function of providing supply.
They are emotional vampires who feed off the attention you give them, slowly draining your energy, self-confidence, and worth.
In order to know whether you are a source of narcissistic supply, you must first identify whether you are in a narcissistic relationship (romantic or otherwise).
Their behaviors and your overall mental-state when you are around them will be a good indicator.
Signs of Narcissistic Behavior
- The relationship feels one-sided with every conversation and situation revolving around them
- They are constantly seeking attention (e.g. being loud, dramatic, and showy)
- They become hostile or sulky if they are not the center of attention
- They have a short temper and are quick to anger
- They show a consistent lack of empathy and disregard for your feelings
- They emit high levels of aggression
- They show an excessive need for praise and compliments
- They act entitled (e.g. expecting special treatment wherever they go)
- They do not respond well to any type of criticism
- They rarely takes responsibility for their actions
- They frequently engage in manipulation tactics, such as gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and blame-shifting
- They engage in abusive behaviors, such as shouting, threatening, or hitting
- They are passive-aggressive (e.g. stonewalling, being sarcastic, and making hurtful “jokes”)
- They isolate you from family, friends, or other sources of support
- They alternate between periods of idealization and devaluation
Signs of Being a Victim of a Narcissist
- You feel confused and unable to trust your own perception
- You are emotionally drained
- You experience extreme emotional highs and lows (often dependent on the narcissist’s mood)
- You are detached from reality
- Your mental health suffers (e.g., feeling depressed; having a low self-esteem)
- You are constantly trying to please the narcissist and meet their demands
- You are hyper-vigilant and constantly on edge when you are around them
- You feel worthless
- You lack confidence and struggle to recognize yourself
- You use substances to numb the pain
- You have suicidal ideation (fantasizing about suicide or wishing you were no longer alive)
It is important to remember that these signs should be considered in the context of a larger pattern of behavior and should not be used as a definitive diagnosis.
What Happens When Narcissistic Supply Is Cut Off?
Narcissists feel entitled to their supply. They believe because they are special and superior, others should submit and cater to them.
Therefore, cutting off a narcissist’s supply is like challenging their dominance and the power they are “supposed” to have over you.
When they feel they are losing control, their self-image and sense of worth are threatened. They will go to extreme measures to re-establish this control. This usually manifests as narcissistic rage – an intense and disproportionate outburst of anger or aggression.
During a rage, they might exhibit hostile or aggressive behavior, including yelling, screaming, throwing objects, or engaging in physical violence — anything to get your attention.
In other cases, a narcissist might quietly stew beneath the surface. They might stonewall you or strategically plan how to best inflict suffering.
Cutting off a narcissist entirely is the worst thing you can do them, because they need their supply to (psychologically) survive. When cut off, they will almost immediately contact another source of supply to fulfill their narcissistic needs.
Do Narcissists Go Back to Their Old Supply?
Narcissists often do go back to their old supply, especially if they are currently lacking or have recently lost a source of supply.
They tend to have many sources of supply (e.g., all the people in their life as well as their “fans” or followers on social media) whom they can contact when needed.
If you are ghosted by a narcissist, they likely did not discard you entirely, but rather found a “better” source of supply. If they reach back out in the future, they are only in need of attention.
To lure you back in, they will often use baiting and hoovering tactics. Baiting refers to a manipulative tactic where a narcissist will provoke you to trigger an emotional response. For example, they might spread a rumor about you, pretend they are in danger, or humiliate you in public.
Similarly, hoovering is a manipulative tactic used by narcissists to reestablish a connection with a former romantic partner, friend, or family member. When hoovering, the narcissist often uses love bombing tactics, showering you with love and affection to seduce you back into their life. They will promise they have changed and that they love you and want a future together.
Both of these tactics aim to elicit a strong emotional response from the victim.
The narcissist does not care whether this response is positive, as long as they are getting your attention.
Sources
Jabeen, F., Gerritsen, C. & Treur, J. (2021) Healing the next generation: an adaptive agent model for the effects of parental narcissism. Brain Informatics. 8, 4.
Vaknin, S. (2007). Malignant self love: Narcissism revisited. Narcissus Publishing.
Vaknin, S. (2008). Narcissists, Narcissistic Supply And Sources of Supply. https://samvak.tripod.com/faq76.html#devaluation
