Narcissistic discard refers to a pattern of behavior exhibited by individuals with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) when they abruptly end a relationship or discard someone who was once a source of narcissistic supply. This is the last phase of the narcissistic love pattern. Narcissistic discard is usually not a peaceful or gentle process. It can be sudden and unexpected, leaving the partner devastated and abandoned.
Not all narcissists act in the same way, so how they discard you can vary.
Although the narcissist is done with you and the relationship at this stage, in some cases, they still want to ensure they leave as the “winner.” They might blame all of their problems on you, making you responsible for their behavior and the breakdown of the relationship.
In other cases, the narcissist may cut off all contact, ignore the other person’s attempts to communicate, or move on to a new source of narcissistic supply without regard for the emotional impact on the discarded partner.
In general, their abusive and manipulative tactics tend to escalate during this stage. They might gaslight you into believing that you are the problem and deny any responsibility themselves. You might face accusations, verbal abuse, and threats, or they might stonewall you and treat you like you mean nothing to them.
Because of their lack of empathy and sometimes sadistic qualities, a narcissist will want to see you suffer. They will often try to get as much out of you as they can (e.g. your money, belongings, and even your sanity) before departing.
The narcissistic discard phase can be catastrophic, making you realize you have been in an abusive relationship all along.
If you consistently notice these signs in a pattern of behavior from your partner, it may indicate narcissistic tendencies or narcissistic personality disorder. Therefore, understanding narcissistic discard and learning how to cope can be helpful in navigating the aftermath of this traumatic experience and recovering emotionally.
Signs of Narcissistic Discard with Examples
The discard phase can happen quickly or abruptly, or it can be a long, painful process.
Even if things seem to be going well, your partner might discard you without warning or explanation.
Or, their love and affection might subside gradually until you feel like they despise you or no longer care.
While the signs of narcissistic discard can vary depending on the individual and the specific circumstances, here are some common indicators:
Impulsivity
As noted above, narcissistic discard can come out of nowhere. Your partner might disappear without any contact or simply announce that the relationship is over, leaving you feeling confused and shocked. You may wonder what happened and whether you missed the signs.
But, narcissists are known to be impulsive, so their decision to discard you may be spontaneous.
They might notice something they do not like about you – even something insignificant like the way you tie your shoes or answer the phone – and decide to leave the next day.
Many narcissists lack the desire or ability for commitment, so they pull away as soon as things get serious. They will often find superficial reasons to break up with you rather than admitting they do not want commitment.
In some cases, they may find a new source of narcissistic supply to boost their ego and give them attention, so they no longer need you.
Projection and Shifting Blame
Projection and blame-shifting are psychological defense mechanisms that narcissists often employ. Because they cannot acknowledge that they have any shortcomings or make any mistakes, they will blame and project onto others instead.
If you notice these behaviors, or if they become more frequent, discard might be impending.
For example, if you bring up an issue in the relationship and they blame you (e.g., “I’m distancing myself because you’re always on my case”), this could be indicate that a narcissistic discard is likely to happen soon.
Instead of acknowledging and dealing with the issue, they will accuse you of wanting to end the relationship. Because they do not want to be the “bad guy,” they might say “you are the one who is driving us apart.”
Turning Ice-Cold
The love bombing phase is long gone, and they may have been hot and cold for a while, but suddenly they turn ice-cold.
They become emotionally distant. They might withdraw affection and stop showing interest in what you have to say. They might also stop calling you and texting you, making it obvious that they do not even care that you exist.
Your attempts at being physically and emotionally intimate will be rejected, and when you try to talk to them, they will brush you off.
If you notice any of these signs, it is likely narcissistic discard.
They Have Found a New Supply
Narcissists are often non-committal and enjoy playing games in relationships, which can include having affairs or juggling multiple partners at the same time.
At first, they might continue to be with you while seeing other people, but eventually, they might just replace you with someone else.
If you notice they are losing interest or seeking validation and attention from others, they are most likely about to discard you.
Even if you have clear evidence, however, they will probably still to deny it and gaslight you into believing you are “seeing things” or are “just being jealous.”
Heightened Abuse
During the discard phase, the narcissist may drop the façade of being a charming, loving, and caring person. They might become increasingly aggressive towards you, showing their true vindictive and hostile colors.
You might blame yourself and try everything you can to make things go back to how they used to be.
They will continue to become more and more abusive, until eventually, they discard you.
However, if you are being abused, you should try to leave the relationship as soon as possible – even before they discard you.
Reasons the Narcissist Discards You
Narcissists may discard someone for various reasons, which are often rooted in their own self-centered and manipulative nature. Even if the relationship seemed caring, committed, and loving initially, people with narcissistic tendencies are complex individuals, and their reasons for their behavior are not always clear or coherent.
It’s important to remember that the reasons a narcissist discards someone are rooted in their own distorted perception of themselves and others. It is not a reflection of your worth or value as an individual.
Narcissists enjoy using people for their own gain, and if another person somehow interferes with this, they are discarded. Here are some common reasons a narcissist might discard you in more detail:
Lack of Attention and Control (Narcissistic Supply)
Narcissists require constant attention, admiration, and validation from others, known as narcissistic supply, to maintain their inflated self-image. It is almost impossible to provide a narcissist with the level of supply they require, so when they inevitably feel you are not giving them enough, they may discard you.
Additionally, if they feel they are losing control over you (e.g., if you set boundaries), they may discard you in response.
Their ego dictates that everyone should submit to them, so standing up for yourself will not be welcomed by a narcissistic person.
Narcissistic Injury
When a narcissist’s grandiose and superior sense of self is challenged, they experience narcissistic injury. Narcissists have fragile self-esteem and a deep fear of being exposed or criticized, so if you challenge their superiority, question their actions, or assert your independence, it can threaten their ego.
They can become extremely enraged by being questioned or criticized and discard you as a punishment or as a means of protecting their fragile self-image.
Narcissists tend to see things as either good or bad with no in-between (called “splitting). So, if they do not like something you have done, you become worthless in their eyes.
Boredom
Narcissists crave novelty and excitement-seeking behavior in their lives. If they become bored or feel that the relationship no longer provides the desired level of stimulation that it once did, they may discard you in search of new experiences or new people who can provide that novelty.
Or, they might have already found someone new and now dedicate their time to pursuing this novel source of supply instead.
But, they may keep you in reserve if they change their mind later.
How to Cope With Narcissistic Discard
Being discarded by someone you thought you loved and had a future with is painful, especially when done in an abusive and/ or indifferent way. Here are some strategies that may help you navigate this difficult experience:
- Acceptance: It’s essential to acknowledge and validate your emotions and the reality of the situation. Accept that the discard has occurred and recognize that it s not your fault. This is an essential first step in moving forward and healing. Allow yourself to feel hurt, confused, and betrayed. Trying to suppress or avoid these emotions (e.g., by using alcohol or drugs) will only make things more difficult. Give yourself permission to grieve the loss of the relationship.
- Educate yourself. Learning about narcissistic personality disorder and the dynamics of narcissistic relationships can help you gain clarity and understanding. It can validate your experiences and provide insight into the narcissist’s behavior, reducing self-blame and facilitating the healing process.
- Avoid falling into a “rescue” mindset: Resist the urge to save the narcissist or fix the relationship. Focus on your own healing and recovery instead of trying to change someone who may not be willing or able to change.
- Seek support: Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or a support group who can provide empathy, understanding, and a listening ear. They can help you to see clearly and disconfirm any of the abusive and manipulative things the narcissist may have tried to convince you of (e.g., that you are a “bad person” or that “everything is your fault”). Also, sharing your experience with others who have gone through similar situations can be comforting and validating.
- Try to view the discard as a blessing in disguise. Although you may have had strong feelings for your partner, narcissists are toxic individuals who will slowly grind down your confidence and sanity. You are better off without them, although that may take some time to realize and accept.
- Set boundaries: Establish firm boundaries to protect yourself from further harm or manipulation. This may include limiting or cutting off contact with the narcissist, blocking them on social media, or seeking legal help if necessary. Do not allow the narcissist back into your life unless you want to repeat this painful pattern again. If they contact you again and tell you how much they care or have changed (hoovering), remind yourself that they will eventually discard you again. Put your well-being first and eliminate the narcissist from your life.
- Therapy: Find a therapist or support group to help you process your emotions, develop coping strategies, and move forward with your life more positively and healthily.
- Self-care: Prioritize self-care and self-love during this challenging time. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, both physically and emotionally, such as exercise, proper nutrition, and sufficient rest. Practice self-compassion and be patient with yourself as you heal.
FAQs
Does the Narcissist Think About You After Discard?
Narcissists may still think about you after they have discarded you, but probably not in a positive light.
They may tell people how “crazy” or “abusive” you were and only think about all the reasons why they had to discard you.
Narcissists are black-and-white thinkers – either they adore you or they despise you. When they have discarded you, they can no longer see your good qualities or feel positive emotions for you.
This is called “spitting” — once you make a mistake or they notice something they do not like about you, you become all bad to them.
Does a Narcissist Come Back After Discard? How Do You Know if the Discard Is Permanent?
A narcissist may come back after discarding you. But this is not because they realized their true feelings for you or have actually changed – it’s because they are in need of attention or want to manipulate you even after the discard.
They may believe that you are a reliable source of narcissistic supply, and thus lean on you whenever they need a boost.
You may not hear from them for weeks, months, or even years and then suddenly get a call or text as though nothing ever happened. For that reason, it is difficult to know whether the discard is permanent or not.
However, you should view being discarded by a narcissist as a blessing in disguise and move on with your life, so you can free yourself from their toxicity.
The only way to know that the discard is permanent is if you set clear boundaries to protect yourself and limit contact with the narcissist as much as possible.
What Happens When You Ignore the Narcissist After the Discard?
If a narcissist has discarded you, it usually means they have cut you out of their life (at least for the time being).
Thus, they are unlikely to notice that you are ignoring them. However, they may not have discarded you entirely and are keeping you on the sidelines in case they need some supply.
They might contact you again and expect a response, so if you ignore them, they are going to feel like they have lost power over you.
To reestablish their power, they will attempt to get a response and emotional reaction by any means possible, including hoovering and baiting tactics.
What Happens When a Narcissist Sees You After the Discard?
When a narcissist encounters someone they have previously discarded, their reaction can vary depending on the individual narcissist and the circumstances surrounding the encounter.
Some possible reactions include:
Indifference: The narcissist might act as if nothing happened, pretending not to care or showing little interest in the other person’s feelings or well-being.
Hoovering: The narcissist may try to pull the discarded person back into their life if they believe they can benefit from the relationship again. This could involve re-establish contacting, giving flattering comments, or providing false apologies.
Smear Campaign: The narcissist might try to damage the reputation of the discarded person by spreading rumors or lies about them, especially if they feel threatened or perceive the other person as having moved on successfully.
Anger or Resentment: If the narcissist feels rejected, humiliated, or challenged by the other person’s recovery or success after the discard, they may react with hostility and attempt to sabotage their progress.
Idealization: The narcissist may try to rekindle the relationship by idealizing the discarded person, showering them with compliments and attention, and downplaying past conflicts or negative behaviors.
It is important to remember that narcissists only focus on their own needs and desires, often at the expense of others.
If you find yourself in a situation where you encounter a narcissist who has previously discarded you, it is crucial to prioritize your own well-being and establish healthy boundaries to protect yourself from potential emotional harm.
Sources
Howard V. (2019). Recognising Narcissistic Abuse and the Implications for Mental Health Nursing Practice. Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 40(8), 644-654.
Vaknin, S. (2008). Narcissists, Narcissistic Supply And Sources of Supply. https://samvak.tripod.com/faq76.html#devaluation
Wurst, S. N., Gerlach, T. M., Dufner, M., Rauthmann, J. F., Grosz, M. P., Küfner, A. C., … & Back, M. D. (2017). Narcissism and romantic relationships: The differential impact of narcissistic admiration and rivalry. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 112(2), 280.
