While many autistic individuals desire romantic relationships, navigating the intricacies of love and intimacy can present unique challenges.
Autistic individuals may find it harder to initiate and sustain romantic relationships compared to neurotypical individuals. Often, this disparity stems from difficulties in interpreting social cues, expressing emotions, and managing sensory sensitivities, which are common characteristics of autism.
However, these challenges do not negate the capacity for autistic individuals to experience fulfilling and meaningful relationships.
This article will discuss the ways in which being autistic can affect relationships, how someone can support their autistic partner, and what autistic partners can do to ensure their needs and those of their partners are met.
How Autism Can Affect Relationships
Autism can affect relationships in diverse ways, influencing communication styles, social interactions, and experiences of intimacy.
Below are some ways in which autism can affect romantic relationships, highlighting the potential challenges and strengths of dating an autistic person.
Keep in mind that every autistic person is different, so while some relationship challenges may be common for autistic people, this does not necessarily mean this will be the case for every relationship.
Communication Differences: A Balancing Act
Direct and Honest Communication
Autistic individuals often communicate directly and honestly. This straightforwardness can be a significant strength in relationships, fostering clarity and trust.
Renee, the neurotypical wife of Orion, an autistic man, values his direct and honest communication style. She says, “I always know that I’m gonna get the absolute 100% honest answer whenever I talk to you… about what I’m wearing or if I ask a question.”
However, Renee also acknowledges that sometimes her husband can come across as harsh without meaning to which can cause some challenges.
Likewise, differences in communication styles between autistic and non-autistic partners can sometimes lead to misunderstandings and arguments, especially regarding sarcasm, humor, or white lies, which autistic individuals might interpret literally.
For example, a non-autistic girlfriend asks her autistic boyfriend, “Can you help me prepare dinner?” to which he responds, “I can’t right now.” The girlfriend then sarcastically says, “Great. I guess I will do everything.” Her boyfriend says, “OK. Sounds good.”
After this, the girlfriend is upset because her boyfriend did not help out. However, the autistic boyfriend does not understand why because her words indicated that she was fine with doing everything herself, and he did not pick up on the non-literal meaning.
Difficulty Expressing Emotions
Some autistic people may find it challenging to express their emotions verbally or through conventional social cues, a phenomenon sometimes linked to alexithymia, a condition often associated with autism.
For example, an autistic partner may be feeling very upset but is not able to verbalize what exactly is causing the upset. The non-autistic partner may not know how to show the right kind of support or assume that they are the cause of the upset.
Differences in expressing emotions can also lead to misinterpretations of emotional detachment or indifference from partners.
For instance, a non-autistic partner may surprise their autistic partner with a really thoughtful birthday gift, to which their autistic partner keeps a neutral facial expression and says a simple “Thanks.”
Although the autistic partner may really enjoy the gift, it may not feel natural to show this excitement on their face, which can leave the non-autistic partner feeling disheartened or that the gift is not appreciated.
While autistic individuals experience the same range of emotions as neurotypical individuals, the way in which this is expressed may differ.
Challenges with Social Cues
Difficulty interpreting social cues, such as body language or tone of voice, is a common characteristic of autism. This can lead to misunderstandings or misinterpretations of a partner’s emotional state, potentially causing friction in the relationship.
For example, a non-autistic partner may feel their emotional needs are being neglected due to their autistic partner not picking up on clues that they are upset.
Likewise, during a serious conversation, an autistic partner may avoid eye contact because it feels uncomfortable to them, but their non-autistic partner may interpret this as being rude or disinterested.
An autistic person may also ask a lot of clarifying questions if they struggle to understand their partner. They may also find it difficult to decipher if a partner has genuine feelings for them unless made explicitly clear.
Social Dynamics: Navigating Shared Experiences
Special Interests
Intense passions and interests are a defining aspect of autism and are often engaged in for extended periods of time. Problems can arise if the non-autistic partner feels ignored if they perceive their autistic partner as prioritizing their special interest over the relationship.
However, special interests can also be a source of shared joy and connection if their partner shares or appreciates these interests.
The non-autistic partner can learn a lot about a new topic and enjoy seeing their autistic partner talk so passionately about something they care about.
Social Gatherings and Overstimulation
Many autistic individuals experience sensory sensitivities, making social gatherings overwhelming or even distressing.
The autistic partner’s sensory sensitivities can lead to them needing accommodations or wanting to limit their social engagement. This might clash with their non-autistic partner’s social desires and expectations.
Non-autistic partners may feel they need to choose between their partner’s comfort and their own social life, or they may feel embarrassed or judged by others for their partner’s sensory needs and reactions.
Meanwhile, the autistic partner may feel misunderstood, pressured to endure discomfort, or guilty for limiting their partner’s social interactions.
Preference for Consistency
A desire for predictability and routine is common among autistic individuals. This can be ideal for maintaining stability in the relationship. This can make autistic people very loyal and desire long-term relationships.
However, a need for consistency may clash with a partner who may desire spontaneity. For example a non-autistic husband may plan a surprise trip for his autistic wife. The wife may become stressed and overwhelmed at having to suddenly change plans.
An autistic partner may also find it difficult to adapt to unexpected changes and struggle to regulate their emotions when changes happen.
Intimacy and Connection: Understanding Unique Needs
Sensory Sensitivities and Intimacy
Sensory sensitivities can influence experiences of physical touch, sometimes impacting intimacy within romantic relationships.
For example, an autistic partner may find cuddling their partner uncomfortable, prefer having a bit more personal space, or pull away during moments of physical touch that feel too overstimulating.
The non-autistic partner may misinterpret reactions to sensory sensitivity as personal rejection, loss of attraction, or lack of love.
Meanwhile, the autistic partner may feel frustrated, misunderstood, or even ashamed of their sensory needs. They may endure discomfort to please their partner or avoid intimacy altogether.
Challenges with Perspective-Taking
Difficulties understanding another person’s perspective, often referred to as “theory of mind” challenges, can create misunderstandings or make it harder for autistic partners to anticipate their loved one’s needs.
For example, a couple is deciding on a vacation destination. The autistic partner, fixated on their own preferences and routines, may struggle to consider their partner’s differing desires. They might insist on a location that meets their needs without taking into account their partner’s wishes, leading to conflict.
However, these challenges do not negate the capacity for empathy or the desire for deep, meaningful connections that autistic individuals, like anyone, experience.
How To Support An Autistic Partner
Be understanding of their traits
The first step to supporting an autistic partner is to read up on autism and understand your partner’s unique traits.
You may show understanding by:
- Understanding that their straightforward honesty is probably not intended to be hurtful
- Recognizing that they may have different ways in which they express love and empathy toward you
- Communicating about schedules and plans and discussing any changes in advance to minimize potential anxiety
- Not expecting them to show a particular type of reaction to gifts and gestures
- Recognizing their need to ‘decompress’ after social events
While it’s essential to be understanding and accommodating of your autistic partner’s unique needs, it’s equally important for you to prioritize your own well-being and ensure that your needs are also being met in the relationship.
A healthy relationship involves mutual support, open communication, and a balance of give and take from both partners.
Recognize and respond to your partner’s cues
As you come to understand your autistic partner better, you can become more skilled at recognizing when they are experiencing discomfort, overwhelm, or stress.
Discuss with your partner what would help them best when they are having a tough time. With this knowledge, you can respond in a way that you know will help them.
For example, your partner may appreciate time alone to engage in their special interest or be wrapped in a blanket with their favorite hot drink in times of stress.
Renee shares with her husband when she notices his cues, “So I know when you start rubbing your hair in a certain way or when you start moving your legs or your body in a certain way, or when you start using echolalia more or when you start singing more, then I know that things are starting to overwhelm you.”
Encourage them to be themselves without judgment
It can be common for autistic individuals to camouflage (or mask) their autistic traits, even sometimes around their romantic partner. Masking can be exhausting and result in burnout, so it is important that you foster a safe environment for them to be authentic.
To help encourage authenticity, you can:
- Explicitly tell your partner that you love and accept them for who they are
- Show interest in understanding your partner’s perspective and experiences, even when they differ from your own
- Encourage them to discuss and engage in their special interests
- Share your own experiences to encourage openness and deeper connections
Peter, who has an autistic wife, explains that the best thing to help his partner unmask is to be patient:
“I think it’s just come with time. I don’t know if there’s anything in particular other than just be patient. And she’s had the time to open up and get to know me before she revealed a bit more of what she’s like.”
Be direct in your communication
If you know that your autistic partner has difficulty with understanding subtle social cues or suggestions, practice being more direct in what you are saying.
For example, instead of saying, “There is a lot to prep for this meal” (as a hint that you would like your partner to help), say, “Can we please prepare this meal together?” or “Let’s prepare dinner now.”
Similarly, it can be helpful to be clear about how you are feeling. For example, if you are feeling stressed or upset, communicate this in a way your autistic partner will understand so that they can better offer you support.
This direct approach can help avoid misunderstandings that could cause friction in your relationship.
Allow them processing time
To allow your autistic partner processing time and patience, it’s crucial to understand that they may need more time to absorb information, respond to questions, or adapt to changes.
To help with processing time, you can:
- Give your partner space to think before expecting a response
- Not rush them to make decisions
- Break down complex topics into smaller parts
Louis accommodates his autistic girlfriend Meg’s processing needs by waiting a few seconds after asking a question, giving her space to respond without pressure.
When Meg is focused on a task, Louis asks his question and waits patiently for her to finish before expecting an answer. This creates a supportive environment that respects Meg’s unique needs.
Navigate social gatherings together
How you navigate social situations can depend on your partner’s social needs as well as your own.
- If you enjoy social events but your autistic partner does not, you could instead attend these with a friend
- Meet up with one or two people at a time with your partner if they get overwhelmed by big gatherings
- Have a secret hand signal or code word that your autistic partner can use when they are reaching their social limit
- Allow your partner alone time after social situations so they can recharge
Peter explains the ways in which he is supportive of his wife at social events:
“I try to make sure that she’s not left on her own too much with people that she doesn’t know or that she’s not comfortable with… Sometimes if I have a story that I think is relevant … then I might pass it to her just to try and encourage her to involve herself a little bit more because I know it can be hard for her to jump in.”
Be mindful of sensory sensitivities
To be mindful of your autistic partner’s sensory sensitivities, it’s important to learn about their specific triggers and needs.
This may involve discussing which sensory inputs (like certain sounds, lights, textures, or smells) cause discomfort or distress.
You can then work to create a sensory-friendly environment at home, advocate for accommodations in social settings, and be understanding when sensory overload occurs. This might mean adjusting lighting, noise levels, or clothing choices, as well as being flexible with plans if a situation becomes overwhelming.
By openly communicating, respecting sensory needs, and finding creative solutions together, you can foster a supportive and comfortable relationship for both of you.
Find a shared interest to focus on
Having a shared interest can be a powerful bonding tool for autistic and non-autistic partners. It provides a common ground where you can both connect, communicate, and enjoy quality time together.
You might find that you can share enjoyment in your partner’s special interest. For them, this can be a great source of joy and intimacy to deepen your connection.
Otherwise, you could work together to find a new interest that you both can experience for the first time together and commit to, for example:
- A physical activity such as rock climbing, sword fighting, or running
- Creative activities such as painting figurines, pottery, photography, or learning a musical instrument
- Intellectual pursuits like studying a new language, exploring a period of history, or diving into a science topic
- Games and puzzles such as chess, escape rooms, or cooperative board games
- Collecting items like stamps, coins, or memorabilia related to a shared interest
- Volunteering for a cause you both care about, such as animal welfare or environmental conservation
- Culinary adventures, including cooking classes, trying new cuisines, or exploring food history
The key is to find something that ignites passion and enthusiasm in both partners, providing an engaging focus for quality time and bonding.
Utilize each other’s strengths
By valuing and leveraging each other’s natural talents, together you can create a strong, balanced partnership that benefits from their diverse ways of thinking and being.
For example, your autistic partner can put their strong research and analytical skills to use by planning out the ideal romantic vacation while you could arrange transportation and handle the communication aspects of traveling.
Your partner’s attention to detail and thorough planning can ensure a well-organized, efficient trip, while your interpersonal skills can help navigate any unexpected challenges that may arise during your journey.
By recognizing and trusting in each other’s unique abilities, you can complement one another and create a fulfilling, enjoyable experience.
Tips For The Autistic Partner
As an autistic partner, you appreciate the support and understanding your partner offers you. However, it is equally important to also put in the work yourself to ensure you are being supported in the way that is best for you as well as making sure you are supporting your partner.
Below are some tips for navigating romantic relationships as an autistic person:
- Express appreciation: Verbalize your gratitude for your partner’s efforts, even if your facial expressions don’t always show it.
- Be transparent about masking: Let your partner know when you’re camouflaging your autistic traits and that you need to feel safe to be yourself around them.
- Communicate about sensory sensitivities: Reassure your partner that your sensory sensitivities are not personal and explain how they affect you.
- Be honest about social needs: Discuss your capacity and desire for socializing, and work together to find a compromise that suits both of you.
- Seek clarity when needed: Don’t hesitate to ask your partner for clarification if you misunderstand something.
- Show interest in your partner’s perspective: Ask inquisitive questions to better understand their point of view.
- Maintain independence: While it’s important to rely on your partner for support, don’t depend on them for everything.
- Offer support: Ask your partner how you can best support them and their needs.
- Find ways to accommodate spontaneity: If your partner enjoys spontaneity, work together to find ways to incorporate it without causing you stress.
- Be upfront about needing solitude: Communicate your need for alone time to recharge after social situations, and explain that it’s not a rejection of your partner.
- Discuss your honesty: Explain that your honesty is a sign of respect and that you’re not trying to be hurtful.
- Communicate difficulties with discussing feelings: Let your partner know if you struggle with talking about your emotions due to alexithymia or difficulty with self-reflection.
- Explain how change affects you: Be open about your difficulty with change and discuss how your partner can support you through transitions.
- Share how your brain processes information: Help your partner understand that misinterpreting social cues is not about a lack of caring but a difference in how your brain works.
References
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