A mother’s narcissistic behavior can have a range of long-term effects on her child’s emotional, psychological, and social well-being mental health, and ability to form healthy relationships in adulthood.
Daughters of narcissistic mothers have learned to suppress their emotions because growing up, expressing their feelings was dangerous. Their feelings were often seen as a burden to their parent.
Stephanie Kriesberg, PsyD, author of Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
The relationship between a mother and her child is fundamental for the child’s development.
According to psychoanalyst and developmental psychologist Margaret Mahler (1975), “psychological birth” refers to this crucial phase in a child’s development during the early years of life. This concept focuses on the process by which an infant transitions from a state of fusion with the mother to a sense of separate identity and individuality. If this phase of life is positive and nurturing for the child, he/she is more likely to develop a healthy and autonomous sense of self.
However, because narcissistic mothers are controlling, selfish, manipulative, and neglectful, they are often unable to provide a safe space for their child’s “psychological birth,” often resulting in the following symptoms:
Insecure Attachment Style
Children of narcissistic mothers often develop an insecure attachment style (anxious and/ or avoidant) due to their mother’s unpredictability, emotional unavailability, and abusive tendencies.
Due to their mother’s self-centeredness, these children learn to suppress their needs and emotions to avoid rejection or abandonment. They may become self-reliant and learn to minimize their attachment needs. They also might experience inconsistent patterns of love and attention from their mother, leading to heightened anxiety and difficulty trusting others.
The consequences of an insecure attachment style are far-reaching. Children of narcissistic mothers often have a greater risk of developing mental health problems, have more difficulties building and maintaining healthy relationships in adulthood, and have deep fears of rejection and abandonment.
Here are some first-hand accounts from a qualitative study from 2023:
“I never stay single for long. I’m either cold/distant or dedicated to a sometimes-unhealthy degree. I realize this is me trying to replicate the love I was anxious to receive from parents.”
“I have terrible communication issues. I️ never learnt how to love properly. I give partners absolutely everything, and they don’t give it back. It keeps me invested.”
“I was head over heels planning our future, felt like we have known each other all of our lives. After we both confessed love, I just freaked. I just completely fell out of love in a matter of days.”
“My mother always made a point of how I needed her much more than she needed me. I think this is the reason why I’m so distant now with romantic partners. I go into relationships assuming that the other person will eventually find faults with me and abandon me.”
Low Self-Esteem
Children of narcissistic mothers often receive inconsistent or conditional love and validation. These children do not receive the support, love, affection, and encouragement they require to develop healthy self-esteem.
Narcissistic mothers’ love is conditional, depending on whether their children are acting in accordance with their entitled expectations and needs.
Additionally, narcissistic mothers are often possessive, viewing their children as an extension of themselves, rather than as separate, autonomous individuals.
This can lead to a diminished sense of self-worth and self-esteem, as these children may constantly seek external validation and struggle to feel deserving of love and acceptance.
“I have tried to deserve my existence by being useful.”
“I have achieved a lot and worked several jobs simultaneously. I am an over-performer. I continued my life by proving that I earned to exist. I tried to get my mother;s feedback from what I achieved but she never gave it.”
Lack of Boundaries
Narcissistic mothers may disregard their children’s boundaries and personal space, treating them as extensions of themselves rather than separate individuals.
As a result, these children often have difficulty establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries in relationships throughout their lives.
They are constantly putting other peoples’ needs and wishes before their own, allowing themselves to be taken for granted. This can lead to further abuse and mistreatment because to them, it feels “normal.”
Here are some first-hand examples:
“I find it incredibly challenging to set boundaries with others because growing up, my mother never respected mine. It’s like I never learned how to say no without feeling guilty.”
In previous serious relationships, people constantly disrespected my boundaries, and I let them do it. I prioritized their feelings, wants, and interests over mine. I allowed myself to feel responsible for their happiness. It was draining.”
“Having a narcissistic mother meant that my personal space was constantly invaded. Now, I find it difficult to establish boundaries in relationships, fearing that asserting myself will result in rejection or abandonment.”
“My mother always made me feel responsible for her happiness, so now I struggle to prioritize my own needs. I’m afraid that if I assert myself, I will be seen as selfish or unlovable.”
Difficulty Trusting Others
Narcissists often have fragile self-esteem and a deep-rooted fear of being rejected. To protect their inflated self-image, they can become hyper-vigilant and suspicious of others’ intentions. As a result, children of narcissistic mothers often struggle to trust others as well because they too fear being devalued or abandoned by others.
Additionally, narcissistic mothers frequently engage in emotional manipulation tactics such as gaslighting, guilt-tripping, or playing mind games. This can cause children to doubt their own perceptions and feelings, leading to a difficulty in trusting their own judgment and the intentions of others.
Here is an example:
“As you cannot trust in people, your social skills become narrow. You follow and observe people for a long time before approaching. Spontaneous approaches remain scarce.
You dare not to express your feelings and you do not have sufficient connection with your emotions or yourself when a child or even as an adult. You learn how to hide your creativity and strength because they are being nullified, even envied at home.”
An example from another qualitative study:
“[My mother] told me that men bring problems in life, and she is the only one to rely on…As a consequence, although I wish to have romantic relationships, I don’t think of them as a forever thing. I always thought relationships are just for one or two years.”
People Pleasing
Narcissistic mothers frequently impose high expectations on their children, demanding perfection and achievement to validate their own self-worth.
If the child does not meet these expectations, they are often punished through physical abuse, rage, blame, guilt, criticism, silence, or emotional coldness (or a combination of these).
Because narcissistic mothers may only offer love and approval their expectations are met, their children are constantly trying to please them and seek their acceptance.
This can lead to the internalization of unrealistic standards, self-criticism, and a chronic fear of failure.
Children will become hyper-vigilant of their mothers’ mood and body language and have an excessive fear of their her leaving if they do something wrong.
Thus, children of narcissistic mothers often become people pleasers, always putting the needs of others before their own.
Enmeshment
In this context, enmeshment refers to a dysfunctional and unhealthy emotional boundary between a narcissistic parent and their child.
It describes a dynamic where the parent and child are overly involved or enmeshed with each other, to the point where the child’s individuality and autonomy are compromised.
In an enmeshed relationship, the child’s boundaries and personal identity may be disregarded or overridden by the parent’s needs and desires, often leading to an underdeveloped sense of self.
Enmeshment in a narcissistic relationship can have long-lasting effects on the child’s emotional well-being and ability to establish healthy boundaries in relationships. It can lead to difficulties forming healthy, autonomous identities, maintaining healthy boundaries, and experiencing fulfilling and balanced relationships in adulthood.
Feeling Guilt and Shame
Growing up with a narcissistic mother can contribute to feelings of inferiority, incapability, and worthlessness in a child.
Shame is a deep and pervasive sense of being flawed, inadequate, or unworthy.
Narcissistic mothers often criticize and belittle their children, pointing out their flaws and shortcomings.
A narcissistic mother might tell you what a disappointment you are or how ashamed she is of you. She might make you feel guilty for “abandoning” her or wanting to pursue your own independence.
This consistent negative messaging can create a profound sense of shame, as the child internalizes the belief that there is something inherently wrong with them.
“I was taken to a hospital when I was complaining about stomach and articular pain. I felt being under everyone’s feet and guilty of existing. I thought everyone would be better if I did not exist.
I thought about suicide first time when I was nine. I just did not know how to do it.”
“I feel damaged all the time, with intense feelings of guilt and shame if I do something wrong. Even littlest fights turn into something big, and more emotional than they should be”
Perfectionism
Children of narcissistic mothers often develop perfectionistic tendencies. Growing up in an environment where the mother’s approval and validation are conditional upon meeting unrealistic expectations can contribute to the development of perfectionism.
As a result, they may develop a strong desire to seek approval and avoid criticism and a reliance on external validation to feel worthy and lovable.
To protect themselves from further criticism and maintain their self-esteem, they may adopt perfectionistic tendencies as a defense mechanism.
“I have achieved a lot and worked several jobs simultaneously. I am an over-performer. I continued my life by proving that I earned to exist. I tried to get my mother feedback from what I achieved but she never gave.
Eventually, all ended up with burnout. I surely had my depression and panic disorders. I have survived from those too. Two burnouts took me to retirement due to sickness.”
The “Good Daughter Syndrome”
Coined by psychotherapist and writer Katherine Fabrizio, the “Good Daughter Syndrome” describes a pattern of behavior often observed in daughters of narcissistic mothers or in dysfunctional family systems.
It refers to the tendency of these daughters to adopt specific roles and behaviors in order to maintain harmony, meet the needs of others, and seek validation within the family dynamic.
These daughters often take on excessive responsibility, prioritize the needs of others over their own, and strive for perfection. They assume adult-like roles and responsibilities from a young age.
Mental Health Struggles
Children of narcissistic mothers often face significant mental health struggles as a result of their upbringing, including low self-esteem and self-worth, anxiety and depression, complex trauma, codependency, trust issues, emotional dysregulation, and identity disturbance:
Daughters of narcissistic mothers are grieving a relationship that they never had and will never have. They’re mourning for a relationship that’s absent whether their mother is alive or not. These daughters often have to face ambiguous loss, which is the grief of losing a relationship that never was or no longer is without a clear understanding or closure
Stephanie Kriesberg, PhD, author of Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Many adult daughters of narcissistic mothers also struggle with repetitive negative thinking patterns and excessive rumination.
It’s important to emphasize that the impact of a narcissistic mother on a child’s mental health can vary, and individuals may exhibit different struggles based on their unique circumstances.
Narcissism
Having narcissistic parents can contribute to the development of narcissism in children.
Children learn behaviors by observing their parents, and in the case of narcissistic parents, they may model and internalize their parent’s narcissistic traits.
For example, narcissistic mothers may project their grandiose and superior sense of self onto their child, who subconsciously internalizes this and mimics their mother’s behavior.
Additionally, narcissistic parents may encourage superior, entitled, and antagonistic behaviors and attitudes in their children, contributing to the development of narcissism.
Alternatively, a child of a narcissistic parent may adopt narcissistic traits as a means of self-protection or survival to navigate the challenging dynamics in their family environment.
Sources
Fabrizio, K. (2023) The Good Daughter Syndrome. Raleigh, NC: Makers Mark Press.
Jabeen, F., Gerritsen, C. & Treur, J. (2021) Healing the next generation: an adaptive agent model for the effects of parental narcissism. Brain Informatics. 8, 4.
Kjærvik, S. L., & Bushman, B. J. (2021). The link between narcissism and aggression: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin. Advance online publication.
Kriesberg, S. M. (2022). Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: Quiet the Critical Voice in Your Head, Heal Self-doubt, and Live the Life You Deserve. New Harbinger Publications.
Lyons, M. & Brewer, G. & Hartley, A.M. & Blinkhorn, V. (2023). “Never Learned to Love Properly”: A Qualitative Study Exploring Romantic Relationship Experiences in Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents. Social Sciences. 12. 159.
Mahler, M., Pine, F. & Bergman, A. (1975). The psychological birth of the human infant. New York, NY: Basic Books.
Määttä, S. M. A., & Uusiautti, S. (2018). “My life felt like a cage without an exit”: narratives of childhood under the abuse of a narcissistic mother. Early child development and care.
Määttä, M., Määttä, K., Uusiautti, S., & Äärelä, T. (2020). “She does not control me anymore but I can hear her voice sometimes”: – a phenomenographic research on the resilience perceptions of children who have survived from upbringing by a narcissistic parent. European Journal of Education Studies, 6(12), 17-40.
Scott Hoffman, M., Hanson, B. J., Brotherson, S. E., & Zehnacker, G. (2021). Boundaries. Journal of Human Sciences and Extension, 9(3), 229-252.
Stossel, C., & Litton, K. (Hosts). (2023, May 02). Narcissistic Mothers with Stephanie Kriesberg, PhD (No. 33) [Audio podcast episode]. In Evidence-Based. New Harbinger Publications. https://open.spotify.com/show/6nqaLLxgKTN4dfotRsVWjG
