A narcissistic mother can have a significant impact on her children’s emotional well-being and overall development.
If you have a particularly difficult or troublesome relationship with your mother, you may be wondering if it is the result of her personality.
She might lack empathy, have a strong sense of entitlement, manipulates you to fulfill her own needs, or belittle you in front of other people. She might even be verbally or physically abusive and emotionally volatile.
You may feel like you have to walk on eggshells around her and provide her with the attention she demands as to not shatter her fragile self-esteem.
As a result, you might suffer from low self-worth, experience trust issues, and feel guilt and shame due to your mother’s constant criticism and emotional instability. These are all potential signs of having grown up with a narcissistic mother.
Your mother might have just a few narcissistic traits or an entire narcissistic personality. The level of abuse and manipulation increases with the level of narcissism – although that is not to say that a mother who “only” has a few narcissistic traits cannot cause significant damage and pain.
Research into the effects of having a narcissistic mother has shown that labeling her behavior and understanding her tendencies is an important part of the healing journey.
Therefore, the first question you must ask yourself: is my mother a narcissist?
The Vulnerable Narcissistic Mother
Narcissism is characterized by a grandiose sense of self, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others.
Stephanie Kriesberg, PsyD, author of Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, describes a specific type of narcissistic mother who displays characteristics of both narcissism and vulnerability – the vulnerable narcissist.
Because they are introverts, vulnerable narcissists often present as shy or constrained; their narcissistic behavior can be difficult to identify as it is covert. But at their core, they are self-absorbed, entitled, and antagonistic.
While traditional narcissists often present as grandiose and entitled, vulnerable narcissists tend to exhibit feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, and victimhood alongside their narcissistic tendencies.
Both overt (grandiose) and covert (vulnerable) narcissism can be detrimental to any relationship, including the relationship between a mother and her child.
It can be painful and overwhelming to acknowledge your mother is narcissistic, especially if she is a vulnerable narcissist. But, recognizing and accepting this fact is the first step toward recovery.
Once you gain a better understanding of narcissistic behavior, you can finally stop blaming yourself, establish and maintain boundaries, and work towards healing.
So, how can you identify whether your mother is a narcissist?
The following is a list of behaviors that could indicate a narcissistic personality:
Controlling
Pathological narcissism is characterized by an excessive need to control others. In a parent-child relationship, this can take on different forms.
Your mother might control your activities, hobbies, and friends. She might have certain expectations of how you should behave, dress, or speak.
Her parenting style might be authoritarian, inducing fear and undermining your ability to explore the world freely. She may disregard your boundaries, invade your privacy, or fail to respect your individuality.
Control can also be exercised through manipulation. Manipulation tactics often used by narcissists include guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or playing the victim.
The following are first-hand experiences of people who took part in a qualitative study on growing up as the child of a narcissistic mother:
“All the things that I would have liked had to be put aside (e.g., reading) only fulfilling the set duties was allowed, and even that I was told I always did badly.”
“When I put on clothes, I had to take them off because my mother said they are of ugly color and I should wear something she had chosen, usually blue clothes. I hated blue for a long time.”
Attention-Seeking
A narcissistic mother will constantly seek attention, praise, and validation from others, including her children. She might be flamboyant, loud, and dramatic in an attempt to make every conversation and situation about her.
However, despite projecting a confident and superior image, narcissists often have fragile self-esteem that can be easily wounded.
Therefore, your mother might become upset or dismissive of you if she doesn’t receive the desired admiration.
In her eyes, she is more interesting, attractive, and intelligent than everybody else — including her children — and therefore feels entitled to the unconditional positive regard and attention of others.
Belittling, Uninterested, and Devaluing
Children of narcissistic mothers report that they often feel unsupported, underappreciated, and disregarded.
They never feel good enough. If they do not meet their mother’s expectations or fulfill her needs, she withdraws affection.
Narcissistic mothers will frequently criticize and belittle their children, often focusing on their perceived flaws or failures.
She may be overly critical of her child’s appearance, asking them to wear more make-up, change clothes, or lose weight. Here are some other examples from the qualitative study noted above:
“Somehow my mother sensed my weaknesses and insecurity. Once I made the mistake and told her joyfully about my first salary as an entrepreneur, her response was that ‘you must have hoaxed people.’ With these words, she nullified all my work.”
“She despised, scolded, and never complimented me about anything. I would have done well at school but when nothing was enough, I gave up.”
“I liked singing a lot. Like a child, I told my mom and dad that I will be a singer when adult. Mother said that I do not need to even consider that kind of a lousy job.
‘It is not a profession. Better to quit singing once and for all.’ I remember how I was crying for many days and decided that I will not sing ever again. My music teachers tried very hard to get me in the choir.”
Argumentative and Aggressive
At their core, narcissists are aggressive and antagonistic. They are full of hate, enjoy conflict, and are quick to anger.
Narcissistic mothers, specifically, might explode into fits of rage if they feel their superiority and dominance have been challenged.
Or, they might act passive-aggressively by making snide comments or giving you the silent treatment.
They might even start arguments just to provoke you. For example:
“Expressing my own opinion was arguing. All in all, she would always create arguments that she would win. It is not possible to cope with that kind of an argument.
But the narcissist twists and turns the situation/things so that no one eventually knows what it was about, and the narcissist has to always win.”
Degrading
In order for a narcissistic person to maintain their strong sense of entitlement and sense of control, they might undermine, devalue, or criticize others, especially in public.
A narcissistic mother may even view her children as competition and feel threatened by their achievements or independence. As a result, she may try to undermine their success.
For example, a narcissistic mother might share embarrassing or upsetting stories or insult you in front of others:
“I remember how much I shamed and ran away when we had guests because my mother always used to scold me and say that I am lazy.”
Blaming
Narcissistic mothers do not take responsibility for their own mistakes or wrongdoings. They believe they are perfect, but hold their children to impossibly high standards, finding fault in everything they do.
Narcissistic mothers can turn the tables skillfully, deflecting blame onto others, including their children. Here are some examples from the qualitative study:
“My mother was a master of finding someone to blame afterwards. Even showers of rain were my dad’s fault sometimes. She herself had no flaws.”
“My mother was blaming me for everything although I would have needed someone to defend me many times, for example, when at school.”
“She would develop an argument about anything, twisted it to her benefit by blaming others what she had done or said, even if it was about her own child. I still do not know when she is telling the truth.”
Manipulative
Narcissists are masters of manipulation. They will manipulate the people around them for attention, admiration, and control.
A narcissistic mother might manipulate her children through gaslighting, guilt-tripping, or stonewalling (using the silent treatment).
Children of narcissistic mothers often experience a specific form of emotional manipulation known as gaslighting. Gaslighting is a tactic used by individuals to make someone question their own perceptions, memories, and sanity.
The ultimate goal of gaslighting is to gain power and control over the victim by undermining their confidence, self-esteem, and ability to trust their own perceptions.
As a result, children of narcissistic mothers often feel confused, inferior, and as if they are ‘crazy.’ They may be made to doubt their own feelings, memories, or perceptions of reality.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional and psychological abuse that can have long-lasting effects on children’s mental well-being, self-esteem, and behavior.
Gaslighting techniques can include telling the child that their feelings are “wrong” (e.g. “there is no need to cry/ be upset”) or that they are imagining things (e.g., “that is not what happened”).
Some of the feelings that arise when being gaslit are that there is something wrong with you, that you in fact are crazy, a sense of just self-doubt, that you’re lesser than, that there’s something wrong with your feelings.
Stephanie Kriesberg, PhD, author of Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers,
Narcissistic mothers might even manipulate their children against their father, telling them lies about him or making them choose between them.
“My mother manipulated us to hate our dad by telling daily how repulsive he is. I remember once when my dad had gotten a big stick in his toe when building our terrace and he could not get it off.
He asked everyone in turn to help, first my mom, my siblings, and me. My mother sharply said that ‘you are not going to help him, are you.’”
“She had to scapegoat me and my dad so that no one would spend time with us but just with my mother. If I talked to my dad, he would suffer.”
Isolating
Narcissistic mothers will often treat their children like extensions of themselves rather than as separate individuals.
These children are made to feel responsible for their mother’s well-being and guilty for wanting to spend time with friends or pursue their hobbies.
Narcissistic mothers can be possessive and isolating because they do not want to compete with others for their children’s attention.
They might control friendships or sabotage romantic relationships to avoid rivalry and exert control over their child. Here are examples from a qualitative study:
“My mother needed someone to accompany her at home. She made me to be her accomplice with whatever reason. I hated those moments but my mother happily thinks back on them.”
“I was not allowed to have opinions or friends; in other words, I was missing support from my peers.”
“I was never allowed to invite my best friends to my birthday party or even to visit me. On the other hand, I could never go visit them, not even attend their birthday parties.”
“My mother broke all my friendships, called to my friends and boyfriends and their parents, isolated me from my friends and made me stay at our cabin as her company when I was about 20.”
Unpredictable and Inconsistent
Narcissists can be emotionally volatile, quickly switching between emotional highs and extreme lows (rage).
This instability can create an unstable and unpredictable environment for children.
Sometimes they might be loving and affectionate, and at other times abusive and callous. Here is an example from a qualitative study:
“You deal with a narcissist quite differently than with normal people. You always have to be alert with them because they are unpredictable. In order to survive, you have to shrink yourself when near a narcissist.”
Envious and Competitive
Narcissists are usually jealous of other people, although they may hide this by criticizing and belittling them instead.
A narcissistic mother may feel threatened by her children’s achievements or independence. You may feel like you have to hide your achievements or make yourself small so as not to upset your mother. She may even become envious and attempt to undermine your success or overshadow your accomplishments.
If you tell her about something positive you did or a compliment you received, she might dismiss it, call you arrogant, or remind you of your shortcomings.
Here are some examples:
“I could not tell my mom about any good events in my life: she would call you the next time crying how she has been awake all night long because she does not have anything nice and fun. You always have to be on your toes with mother. You can never reply to her honestly.”
“In her images, she hoped to be equally rich and successful as our neighbors but to us she would scold and despise them emphasizing that they had not deserved their wealth.”
Puts on a Façade
In front of other people, a narcissistic mother might be charming, affectionate, funny, and extraverted. She can be skilled at creating a façade, making people believe she is a loving and supportive mom.
However, you likely experience an entirely different side of her that other people may struggle to believe.
“Plenty of relatives visited us on all possible holidays. It was like theater. Mother was radiant and hustling. And after the guests had left, mother and father started arguing. Christmases were the worst.”
“My parents were respected and trusted in their work. Therefore, no one could imagine what kind of nightmare my life was as their only daughter. My mother can skillfully describe herself as a wonderful person who gives her all.”
“Once when I was a teenager, about 13-14 years old, I was courageous enough to go to talk to school nurse about my mother. I had one-month-long detention at home after that.
The nurse had called my mom, my mom was yelling that I had ruined her reputation. She does not dare to go to work because her daughter is telling lies.”
Physically Abusive and Violent
Narcissism is associated with higher levels of aggression. As a result, many children of narcissistic mothers are subject to physical abuse.
They might hit, slap, or kick their child, even for minor offenses, because of their unpredictable mood swings.
Narcissists are always looking for other people to blame, so they might take out their anger on their children even when they have done nothing wrong.
Here are some examples from a qualitative study:
“My mother really hit us with a stick and hand without any reason. When I was already in high school, she put me on the floor and started kicking.”
“Physical punishment was allowed when she was raising us children. The bigger we grew, the harder the punishing methods were.
She got easily angry about the smallest things, even if it had been an accident such as dropping glass on the floor or having a stain in your shirt.”
Verbally Abusive
Children of narcissistic mothers often live in fear of being chastised, punished, and disciplined. When narcissists feel they are losing control or that their ego has been bruised, they feel entitled to abuse others.
Narcissistic mothers tend to have short tempers, exploding into rages and threatening their children with violence, abandonment, or punishment. These children often feel responsible for their mother’s mood and learn to be cautious of their words and behavior.
“I learned the feature that would extensively limit and make my later life difficult, not to ask for guidance or help. My mother would often reply ‘Are you not able to do even that even though you went to school?’”
“Everyone was afraid of my mother. My classmates or other friends never visited us. My mother would yell and swear and was almost always angry. I was alert all the time. I could never know what would happen next.”
“I always had to prove her how irreplaceable mother and spouse she was. By constantly assuring her how perfect she is I tried to keep her in a good mood.”
“I could never feel relaxed at home because I could never know what would make my mother angry. I remember crying in a shower with my sister and discussing if it would be better just to commit suicide. My mother overheard us and laughed at us: ‘Well just do it!’”
It’s important to remember that the presence of these signs does not automatically mean someone is a narcissistic mother. A professional evaluation by a mental health expert is necessary to make a definitive diagnosis.
Should I Cut Off My Narcissistic Mother
In some people’s experience, cutting off their narcissistic mothers was the only way they could recover and live healthier and happier lives.
However, for many people, the thought of cutting ties with their mother is unbearable, which is understandable.
It is nonetheless important that you find a way to navigate these challenges, so you can enjoy better mental health and well-being.
Sources
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Kriesberg, S. M. (2022). Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: Quiet the Critical Voice in Your Head, Heal Self-doubt, and Live the Life You Deserve. New Harbinger Publications.
Lyons, M. & Brewer, G. & Hartley, A.M. & Blinkhorn, V. (2023). “Never Learned to Love Properly”: A Qualitative Study Exploring Romantic Relationship Experiences in Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents. Social Sciences. 12. 159.
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Määttä, M., Määttä, K., Uusiautti, S., & Äärelä, T. (2020). “She does not control me anymore but I can hear her voice sometimes”: – a phenomenographic research on the resilience perceptions of children who have survived from upbringing by a narcissistic parent. European Journal of Education Studies, 6(12), 17-40. Scott Hoffman, M., Hanson, B. J., Brotherson, S. E., & Zehnacker, G. (2021). Boundaries. Journal of Human Sciences and Extension, 9(3), 229-252.
Stossel, C., & Litton, K. (Hosts). (2023, May 02). Narcissistic Mothers with Stephanie Kriesberg, PhD (No. 33) [Audio podcast episode]. In Evidence-Based. New Harbinger Publications. https://open.spotify.com/show/6nqaLLxgKTN4dfotRsVWjG
