Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person seeks to make another individual doubt their memories, perceptions, and sense of reality. A gaslighting victim is often left feeling confused and detached, ultimately making them more dependent on the perpetrator.
Gaslighters use persistent lying, denial, and contradictions as tactics to distort the victim’s sense of reality and undermine their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. This creates a power imbalance where the gaslighter has the upper hand in the relationship, making the victim more dependent on the gaslighter for guidance and validation.
Gaslighting is particularly effective when there is an unbalanced power dynamic, such as in political relationships, among genders, or between a parent and child.
When parents engage in this manipulative behavior towards their children, it can have serious long-term effects on the children’s emotional well-being and mental health. It can lead to feelings of confusion, self-doubt, anxiety, depression, and a diminished sense of self-worth.
Recognizing the signs of a gaslighting parent can be crucial in identifying manipulative behavior and taking steps to protect yourself or others from its harmful effects.
Coping strategies for dealing with gaslighting may include setting boundaries, seeking support from a therapist, limiting contact with the gaslighter, and learning to assert yourself in a calm, yet firm manner.
Gaslighting is not always intentionally abusive, and many people, including parents, may engage in accidental gaslighting without being fully aware of the harm they are causing.
Gaslighting behavior can sometimes be a result of ignorance, a lack of emotional intelligence, or ineffective communication skills rather than a deliberate intention to manipulate and control.
However, gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and is often used to manipulate. Whether intentional or not, gaslighting can have severe psychological and emotional consequences for the victim.
What are the signs of a gaslighting parent?
Gaslighting in parent-child relationships can take many forms, but some common signs include: withholding information, dismissing or controlling a child’s feelings, lying or distorting the truth, and contradicting a child’s thoughts, opinions, or memories of past events.
By carefully listening to what your parent says and observing how they behave, you can identify patterns of manipulation and gaslighting tactics.
Some behaviors to look out for include denying, lying, contradicting, blame-shifting, and belittling.
Additionally, paying attention to how you feel after interactions with your parent can help you recognize if gaslighting is taking place.
If you are left feeling confused, invalidated, or anxious, this could be a sign gaslighting is occurring.
Emotional Gaslighting
Gaslighting parents may dismiss or belittle their child’s emotions, feelings, and perceptions, making them believe their emotional experiences are invalid or unwarranted.
This is often done to gain control over them or to serve the parent’s own agenda.
Additionally, a parent may also inadvertently gaslight their child to try to protect them. For example, they might tell their child, “it’s not that bad” or “you are fine” in an attempt to alleviate distress.
However, this only serves to invalidate the child’s experience and distort their perception of reality.
Emotional gaslighting — whether intentional or not — can have severe consequences for the child’s emotional well-being and can affect their self-esteem, self-confidence, and ability to trust their own emotions and judgments.
Other examples of emotional gaslighting include:
- Shielding a child from difficult emotions, such as sadness or disappointment. This can leave a child unable to understand or cope with those emotions later in life
- Denying or downplaying the child’s feelings, telling them that they are overreacting, or telling them they are being too sensitive (e.g., “there is no need to cry/ be upset.”)
- Shifting the blame onto the child, making them feel responsible for the parent’s emotional reactions or causing the parent’s negative emotions (e.g., “I am so stressed because of you.”)
Narrative Gaslighting
Narrative gaslighting is when the parent attempts to rewrite or distort the child’s personal history, experiences, or memories.
While it is not uncommon for people to remember certain events differently, a parent will purposefully undermine the child’s perception of their own life story to control the narrative in order to suit the parent’s agenda.
Some common examples of narrative gaslighting include:
- Completely changing the details or context of past events to create a false narrative that suits the parent’s needs or paints them in a positive light.
- Implanting false memories in the child’s mind.
- Dismissing or denying significant events in the child’s life, making them feel like their experiences are unimportant or never occurred.
Personal Gaslighting
Personal gaslighting, in the context of a parent-child relationship, is when a parent attempts to undermine the child’s belief in themselves, their abilities, and their perceptions of reality.
It involves using tactics aimed at eroding the child’s self-esteem, self-confidence, and sense of worth.
For example:
- Consistently criticizing the child’s actions, appearance, or achievements.
- Bringing up past mistakes to question the child’s intelligence or reliability.
- Belittling the child’s decisions or choices.
- Setting unattainable or ever-changing expectations for the child.
What do gaslighting parents say?
Below are some examples of things gaslighting parents may say to their children. They will say things that make the child doubt themselves, their feelings, and their experiences.
“You are being too sensitive.”
“You’re overreacting. There is no need to cry.”
“That never happened. You must be remembering it wrong.”
“I never said that. You’re imagining things.”
“You’re too emotional. You need to toughen up.”
“Nobody else has a problem with it, so it must be just you.”
“Stop being so dramatic.”
“You must have misunderstood me.”
“I️ know that does not hurt. Stop complaining.”
Gaslighting parents may also target a child’s character, using manipulative statements to undermine their self-worth and self-perception. For example:
“You’re lazy and never put in any effort.”
“You are so selfish and only care about yourself.”
“You’re always causing trouble and stirring up drama in this family.”
“You’re just trying to manipulate people with your tears.”
Gaslighting parents will also blame their child for something that is not their fault. For example:
“If you had just done X, you would not be in this situation.”
“If you had dressed more appropriately, X would not have happened to you.”
“That exam was not that difficult. You failed because you are lazy and did not study hard enough.”
Why do parents gaslight?
There are various reasons why parents gaslight their children, and it is important to understand that every situation is unique.
Gaslighting is often a learned behavior; parents who gaslight typically have experienced or witnessed gaslighting or emotional abuse during their own childhood.
Some possible reasons why parents may gaslight their children include:
Protection
Some parents use gaslighting to protect their child from disappointment and sadness. They may think that by distorting the truth or reality, they are shielding their child from potential emotional pain or harm.
While this may come from a place of love, shielding a child from the truth by engaging in gaslighting behavior can damage trust, erode the parent-child relationship, and lead to long-term negative effects on the child’s emotional well-being.
Additionally, the parent might feel social pressure for their child to be successful and believe their failure would reflect badly on them as parents.
Control
Gaslighting typically stems from parents’ need to gain control over their child’s thoughts, emotions, and behavior. Parents who gaslight often do so to assert power and maintain dominance over their children.
They often prioritize discipline and control over nurture and care.
Narcissism
Parents with narcissistic personalities will use gaslighting to maintain their self-centered worldview and protect their fragile self-esteem.
They want to feel superior and control the narrative to ensure they are always seen as “good” or “right.”
Their goal is to make their child dependent on them, so they receive the admiration, submission, and dominance they crave.
Narcissistic parents often see their child’s growing autonomy as a threat, so they use gaslighting as a tactic to deny them independence.
Insecurity
Gaslighting can be used to cover up a parent’s deep-seated insecurities and unresolved emotional issues. They may project these feelings onto their children or use gaslighting to protect themselves from addressing their emotional challenges.
Gaslighting also allows parents to avoid taking responsibility for their actions or negative behaviors. The parent will distort reality and shift blame onto the child to avoid facing consequences, feeling guilty, or taking accountability.
What are the effects on the child?
If gaslighting becomes a repeated pattern between child and parent, it can have profound and long-lasting effects on the child’s emotional, psychological, and social well-being.
Psychological abuse is the most developmentally damaging form of abuse. It is particularly damaging during the formative years of a child’s development.
Some of the short-term and long-term effects of gaslighting on the child may include:
Short-Term Effects
The immediate consequences of gaslighting include feelings of confusion, emotional detachment, and anxiety.
Children who experience gaslighting persistently have been found to experience higher levels of psychological distress, including depression, helplessness, and stress.
Constantly being undermined and made to doubt your own perceptions and emotions can lead to a diminished sense of self-worth.
Gaslighting can make a child question their own perceptions, feelings, abilities, and judgments, negatively impacting their problem-solving and decision-making skills.
Long-Term Effects
Gaslighting can also have long-term consequences on a child’s life, specifically on their physical and mental health.
Research has identified that children from emotionally and psychologically abusive homes have higher rates of delinquency, aggression, low self-esteem, anxiety, substance misuse, PTSD, and depression.
Children often learn to cope with gaslighting and other forms of emotional abuse through maladaptive coping strategies, such as substance misuse, promiscuous behavior, self-harm, and dissociation.
Furthermore, experiencing abuse during childhood makes people more vulnerable to entering into an abusive relationship later in life.
Gaslighting is increasingly documented as a form of identity-related abuse. Parents of transgender children might gaslight by telling their child they have a mental illness or are just “going through a phase.”
This causes a child to doubt their own perception, emotions, and sanity. Research has found that transgender children who experience a lack of support from their parents have worse psychological outcomes than children who were supported.
Gaslighting can even cause a child to question their own identity and lose touch with their authentic self, as they may adopt the distorted self-image presented by the gaslighter.
How to cope with gaslighting parents
Many children and adults who experience(d) gaslighting are not aware that they have been abused. They might view their experiences as normal and believe that their parents are just stricter than other parents.
Thus, it is important to educate yourself on gaslighting to recognize the signs and how to cope. In order to heal, you must first understand and accept what has happened.
You must also acknowledge that your parent’s behavior is not your fault. You might blame yourself and wish you had “been a better child.” But, this is internalized gaslighting – you have internalized the blame that your parents imparted on you.
Understand that how your parents treat you is not your fault; their own words, actions, and feelings are entirely their responsibility.
There is evidence to suggest that reducing or cutting off contact with a gaslighting parent can help children develop into healthy adults. Removing yourself will not only put an end to the abuse, but also help you to heal.
However, cutting ties with a family member is not always necessary or possible.
Here are some other coping strategies for dealing with parents who gaslight:
Set Boundaries
The first strategy is to establish clear boundaries with your parents and communicate your limits assertively. Many parents already have formed boundaries within their families, and thus they may not respond well if you set new ones.
Gaslighting parents are likely to protest against any boundaries that their children set, so it important to assertively express your feelings, opinions, and needs.
Boundaries might involve creating distance and limiting contact to reduce your exposure to gaslighting interactions when possible. When interacting with a gaslighter, certain boundary-setting phrases include:
- “I appreciate your opinion, but I’m not prepared to change my mind on this.”
- “I do not want to speak to you about that topic right now.”
- “What you just said is not okay. Please stop.”
- “I have my reasons/ my reasons are personal, and I do not have to explain them to you.”
Try Not to React
If your parent has narcissistic qualities, confrontation is not usually recommended. Confronting a gaslighting parent can be emotionally charged and may not always lead to a positive outcome.
Narcissistic individuals, specifically, are usually unwilling to acknowledge their behavior or change their ways. They will not accept responsibility for their actions, but instead become defensive and shift the blame onto you.
Here are some examples of how to respond:
- “I hear what you are saying, but that was not my experience.”
- “That was my experience; yours might be different.”
- “Can you please explain your reasoning on this?”
If you do choose to confront their behavior, it is essential to approach with caution and consideration for your emotional well-being and safety.
Make sure to stay calm and assertive and provide specific examples of their gaslighting behavior and its impact on you.
Self-Care
Gaslighting can have a detrimental effect on one’s mental health. Try to engage in activities that promote your well-being, such as exercise, hobbies, meditation, or spending time with supportive people.
One study suggests that reading fiction is a helpful strategy for alleviating the distress of abuse. In this study, reading fiction helped the participants to “tune out” reality and block out their emotional pain in a healthy, balanced way. However, it should be noted that reading is a short-term strategy and not a long-term solution.
Establish a Support Network
When you are the victim of gaslighting, it is important to surround yourself with people who can validate your experiences and provide a safe space to talk about your feelings.
While self-care is important for general mental and physical well-being, these practices can only help to a certain extent.
Gaslighting parents often strive to isolate their children from friends, family, and loved ones. Surrounding yourself with supportive and understanding people who can offer encouragement and empathy can be immensely helpful.
You can also consider talking to a therapist or counselor who can provide guidance, validation, and coping strategies tailored to your situation.
Frequently Asked Questions
Do Parents Gaslight Their Adult Children?
Yes, parents can gaslight their adult children. Gaslighting can occur in various relationships, regardless of age or stage of life.
Gaslighting behavior may continue from childhood into adulthood or may emerge later in life as dynamics within the parent-child relationship evolve.
In the context of adult children, gaslighting can manifest in similar ways as with younger children. Gaslighting parents may still use manipulative tactics to undermine their adult child’s perceptions, emotions, and experiences.
A parent might gaslight their adult child by denying or dismissing their accounts of the past, shifting blame onto the adult child for the parent’s negative emotions or problems, or making the adult child doubt their own abilities, decisions, or self-worth.
Does Gaslighting Make a Parent Toxic?
Yes, gaslighting behavior is typically considered toxic as it is a form of emotional abuse.
Toxic relationships are unhealthy, and often detrimental to the well-being of both parties. When a parent engages in gaslighting, they create an unbalanced and toxic dynamic that can have significant negative effects on the child’s emotional health and development.
What is Self-Gaslighting?
Self-gaslighting, also known as self-doubt or self-manipulation, refers to the internal process where an individual questions their own thoughts, feelings, experiences, and perceptions of reality.
Some phrases of self-gaslighting include:
“I am too emotional”; “I am just imagining it”; “I am worthless”; or “This is all my fault.”
This behavior is often influenced by external factors, such as gaslighting from others, or internal factors, such as low self-esteem or past traumatic experiences.
A way to challenge this form of gaslighting is to affirm your experiences and emotions by accepting that they are real and valid.
References
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