If the thought of setting boundaries with your parents is uncomfortable, awkward, and stressful, it signals an unhealthy dynamic, and it’s time to take action.
Boundaries are your needs and limits; the guidelines that communicate to others how you want to be treated and loved. They encompass all your relationships, including the ones you have with your parents.
Your parents shouldn’t be exempt from your boundaries just because they’re your parents. Setting boundaries aims not to punish them but to build a healthier dynamic so you can enjoy the relationship and your interactions.
When we’re growing up, parents set the rules and boundaries, and some might find it difficult to step back and relinquish their control. They might perpetuate the child-parent dynamic, be critical, overly involved in your life, or expect you to be at their beck and call.
As a result, you can feel excessively responsible, guilty, resentful, angry, and it can limit your sense of independence and ultimately damage your well-being and self-esteem.
That’s why it’s important to start the process of setting and maintaining boundaries with your parents.
What Do Boundary Issues Look Like?
Parent-child boundary issues vary, but there are some signs and behaviors that show boundaries that need to be worked on.
Working on the boundaries you have with your parents doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is toxic or totally unhealthy (although it can be).
You might have an overall good relationship with your parents, but there might be certain aspects of their behavior that you feel should change.
Here are some examples of how boundary issues can manifest in a parent and adult-child relationship:
- Regularly offering unsolicited advice and guidance (“You should do this.”)
- Thinking they know everything better than you (“This way is the best.”)
- Commenting on your body and looks when you didn’t ask their opinion.
- Frequent comments on the way you do things, how you dress, what you eat, etc.
- Unsolicited advice on your parenting style.
- Not respecting your privacy e.g., looking through your phone or things.
- Regularly coming over without letting you know first.
- Interfering with your personal or work life e.g., contacting your partner or boss about an issue you shared with them in confidence.
- Ignoring you when you say “No” e.g., they keep giving you things you don’t want.
- Wanting to spend more time with you than you’re comfortable with.
- Mocking your attempts at setting boundaries.
- Toxic behaviors such as guilt-tripping, blaming, gaslighting, controlling, etc. (more on this below)
Other signs you need to work on your boundaries include:
- Certain parenting styles are more likely to cause boundary issues including authoritarian (emphasis on obedience), permissive (no firm limits), and helicopter parenting (overinvolvement).
- You’re overly reliant on your parents e.g., they do your washing, cook your meals, or you always call them when you have an issue or decision to make.
- In line with the above, having trouble making decisions, problem-solving, dealing with stress, or strong emotions.
- Feeling like you can’t say “no” or express a different opinion.
Personal Experiences
I asked a few people about their experiences setting boundaries with their parents. Here’s some of their feedback:
Iris
“The aim of setting boundaries has always been to keep the relationship with my parents alive and improve it.”
Iris told me she started small, “I have a very different diet to my parents, and they were never supportive of that and would make rude comments, etc. So, a few years ago when I stayed at theirs, I did my own food shop – it was like a small stepping stone towards independence.”
She said it was important to implement ways to avoid regressing to the old parent-child dynamic, “Now, when I visit them, my partner and I rent an apartment close by so we have autonomy and can come and go as we please. We’re not reliant on them and aren’t affected by their schedule and habits.”
“It’s allowed us to relate from a more equal and mature place.”
These boundaries weren’t communicated directly, but there were other issues Iris felt she had to articulate, “They would often give me unsolicited advice, usually in the form of criticism, so I started to express why I was sharing things and that I didn’t need their advice.
“I say something along the lines of, “I’m sharing this because it’s a significant part of my life and if you want to know about me, you should know this, but I don’t want your advice.”
Iris also spoke of the importance of consequences, “If I felt they were disrespectful, I’d say “You don’t get to speak to me like that and until you change the way you talk to me, we won’t communicate.”
She said the real change in the dynamic started to happen when she actually stuck to what she had said and didn’t allow them to guilt-trip her.
Melvina
“I’ve struggled setting boundaries with my parents, but in my experience, you have to be really strong because you have to overcome your inner child and communicate with your parents as an adult.”
She added, “That means you have to take control of the situation, have difficult conversations, and accept that they might not respond well to what you’ve said.”
In her opinion, “It can be really difficult to change the old parent-child dynamic, and you have to be very brave.”
“With one of my parents, I’ve had to create distance because the conversation around boundaries just led to conflict and would be too triggering and damaging for me. In my opinion, distance can be the best boundary in some cases.”
She added that it also depends on the issue, “If it’s very important to me then I will say it even though it’s really stressful for me.”
For example, “When I had my wedding, my parent wanted to invite their partner whom I didn’t really know or like because they caused a lot of issues in my family. So I told them, “No, you can’t bring them.”
“But other times, I just let it go and manage the boundary myself by not seeing or speaking to them that often.”
Martin
“My parents constantly wanted to visit me and while I like my parents, it was really getting in the way of my routine. I had a conversation with them about it and although they resisted a little, they did accept it and it’s better now.”
Martin says he doesn’t always verbalize his boundaries, “Sometimes body language is enough. My dad’s tone and language can be a bit rude sometimes so when he’s like that I don’t engage with him, I don’t look at him, and turn the other way – that lets him know that I don’t approve.”
“My mum leaned on me a lot emotionally when I was a teenager and it became really overwhelming. So now, when she does that, I do listen for a bit, but I cut her off pretty quickly.
I’ve explained to her why so now I just say “No, I don’t want to go there” and she accepts it.”
How To Set Boundaries with Your Parents
Setting boundaries with your parents as an adult is a process that can be difficult and uncomfortable but is worth it in the long term.
Here’s some advice on setting boundaries with your parents:
1. Understand the Issue
What are the issues you’re struggling with? Do your parents speak to you in a way that bothers you? Do they cramp your style? Are they needy? Do you feel you can’t express yourself authentically?
Conceptualizing the issue will help you to understand it and how it’s making you feel. That way you’ll be more confident in expressing your limits and needs.
2. Consider the Options
What’s the best way to implement your boundaries?
From the personal experiences above, it seems that some issues require you to articulate and directly communicate your boundaries, while others can be communicated indirectly or by actions.
For example, if your parents comment on your body and diet, it might be best to tell them, “Stop commenting on my body/what I eat.”
If issues arise when you stay at their home, it might be enough not to stay there and rent an apartment or similar (if possible)—that in itself communicates a boundary.
The bottom line is that you have to decide for yourself how best to approach boundary setting. Simply avoiding them entirely is not a boundary because you haven’t dealt with the underlying feelings.
However, if you decide that no contact is the only way to keep yourself sane and safe, then you should explore that and, if possible, communicate it to your parents.
3. Be Assertive and Compassionate
Overcoming the child-parent dynamic can feel uncomfortable and awkward, so you have to stay strong.
Remember that you’re not implementing the boundary to punish your parents but to enable the relationship to survive and grow.
Be assertive when communicating your boundaries, but have compassion for your parents, who might not understand what you’re doing wrong. Though it’s not your responsibility to explain your boundary, doing so will probably yield better results.
For example, saying, “I don’t want to hear about your problems, it’s so annoying” will likely hurt their feelings and the relationship, they might react badly, and you might not get the result you want.
Alternatively, you could say, “I find it difficult to talk to you about certain topics because of X, so I don’t want to discuss that with you anymore.”
4. Assume You’ll Need to Repeat Yourself
Your parents might not act on your new boundaries after the first time you’ve told them. It’s not necessarily malicious, but they’re having to learn a new way of engaging with you, and that can take time.
Therefore, in some cases, it’s necessary to practice the “broken record” technique. That means, you repeat yourself until they’ve understood, and you don’t let it slide.
For example, if your dad constantly gives unsolicited advice on your financial situation, you tell him, “I appreciate your concern, but my finances are my business alone.”
Don’t let it go, and don’t give in – but if they don’t seem to understand even after you’ve told them repeatedly, it’s time to implement consequences.
5. Implement Consequences
Unfortunately, it’s not always enough to communicate a boundary. Sometimes, it’s necessary to warn your parents of the consequences of overstepping your boundaries and sticking to them if they do.
If, for example, your parents don’t treat or speak to your children the way you’d like them to, you can let them know, “Please don’t do/say that.”
If they continue to do it, you could tell them that if they don’t change their ways, they won’t be able to spend time with their grandchildren. And if they cross the line again, implement the consequence until they’re willing to change their ways.
6. Release Any Guilt
If having boundaries and implementing consequences fills you with anxiety and guilt, you might have an underlying belief that setting boundaries with your parents is a bad thing.
Let go of that feeling and understand that boundaries are good for you and the relationships in your life.
You’re not doing it to punish anyone, and your intentions are positive and healthy, so make sure you remind yourself of that.
Boundaries with Toxic Parents
As with any toxic relationship, setting boundaries is crucial if you want the relationship to continue.
These relationships can take a heavy toll on us mentally, emotionally, and even physically, so it’s in our best interest to set firm limits.
Relationships are complex, and even though your parents might have some or many toxic traits, you might still enjoy elements of the relationship and like spending time with them.
It’s good to keep a realistic view and ensure that you don’t overlook the positive aspects of their behavior and how they’ve helped you. However, that’s not to say that you shouldn’t draw the line when their behavior is passive-aggressive, manipulative, overbearing, or toxic.
The first step is to understand and accept when unhealthy or toxic behaviors and dynamics are present. Some examples include:
Parentification
This refers to the child taking on the role of the parent and usually starts in childhood and adolescence.
In adulthood, your parent(s) might still rely on you excessively for emotional support and make you feel responsible for solving their issues.
Advice:
The best way to intervene is to talk to your parent(s) about it.
While you can explain to them why you need to draw this boundary, the most important part is that you’re clear and firm when you say you no longer want to be their emotional support.
You can suggest they seek therapy or other support, but be assertive when you say you will not continue to be their parent.
Gaslighting
Parents might consciously or unconsciously make their child doubt their sense of reality, memories, perceptions, etc. (known as gaslighting).
They might say things like, “You’re too sensitive” when you express how you feel or “It didn’t happen that way” if you call them out on something they did when you were young.
Advice:
Dealing with gaslighting parents can be very difficult. It’s crucial to set firm boundaries, which might include limited contact and intervening when they try to gaslight you.
For example, “I don’t want to speak to you about this topic,” or “I don’t agree with what you’re saying,” or “I don’t have to explain myself to you.”
Enmeshment
Enmeshment refers to blurring personal boundaries within a family system, where individual autonomy and identity are compromised.
In an enmeshed relationship, family members become overly involved in each other’s lives, emotions, and decisions, making it difficult for individuals to develop a strong sense of self separate from the family unit.
Advice:
Breaking free from this dynamic requires a great deal of self-awareness, support, and determination to establish and maintain healthy boundaries, despite the potential backlash from the toxic parent.
Controlling
Parents have to control their children’s lives to a great extent, but as they grow up, they become more and more independent.
This is very difficult for some parents who then continue to try to control their adult children with manipulative tactics such as shame and guilt.
Sometimes, this need for control can be the result of having narcissistic traits, which can be even more complicated to deal with.
Advice:
Take ownership of your life and set clear boundaries with your parents.
It might be necessary to limit the contact with your parents at least until you feel more confident in communicating your limits.
Don’t allow your parents to make you feel guilty for making your own decisions and taking charge of your life.
Judgmental
Some parents are highly judgmental of what their child does, eats, wears, who they’re friends with or date, and every decision they make.
Their constant criticism and disapproval can damage your self-confidence and well-being.
Advice:
You don’t have to share anything with your parents if you feel they don’t treat what you tell them with respect. Let them know that you won’t involve them in your life unless they can stop judging you.
Final Thoughts
Setting boundaries with parents can be a drawn-out, difficult process, so start small and slowly grow more confident in drawing the line. Always prioritize self-care and make sure you’re taking control of your health.
Boundaries are necessary for your personal and relational well-being so always remember that you’re not doing anything wrong when you’re implementing your boundaries.
Just because they’re your parents, doesn’t mean you owe them anything – they have to respect your boundaries like everyone else does.
The important thing is to be assertive and firm, overcome the child-parent dynamic, and implement consequences if necessary. In some cases, distancing yourself and limiting contact with your parents is the only option. Do what’s best for you.
If you need support with setting boundaries, find a therapist or support group or speak to your trusted friends and family about it.
