Dealing With A Narcissistic Mother

Dealing with narcissists in general is difficult, but when that narcissist is your mother, there is an extra layer of confusion and pain.

Children naturally look up to their parents as role models, so they struggle to understand when they are mistreated. Children often internalize the mistreatment they receive as their own fault. This can lead to feelings of shame, guilt, and a distorted sense of self-worth.

When the child of a narcissist enters adulthood, the relationship between parent and child often becomes a complex web of abuse, affection, co-dependency, and manipulation.

As an adult, you may have considered cutting ties with your mother to protect your mental and emotional well-being. But, you might think it’s “wrong” or “unfair” to distance yourself from her.

You may feel indebted to her because she birthed and nurtured you. She may tell you that she “gave up so much for you” or that she is “the only person who really knows and understands you.”

Unfortunately, narcissistic parents often manipulate their children’s emotions and use guilt as a way to maintain control over them and ensure their sources of narcissistic supply stay in place.

Narcissists generally have very low motivation to change, so you need to accept that you may not be able to change your mother or make her understand your perspective. This can be painful, but accepting this reality can help you focus on your growth and happiness.

You must learn to establish a sense of self that is separate from your mother’s and let go of the need for her approval.

You can do a lot of this work on your own, but it is often helpful to get the support of a mental health professional.

“Find someone that you really trust to share your parts of your story with because then you’ll start to feel understood and that is really the gateway to starting to change your life. I think education is the most important thing to start off with as knowledge is power. The more you know, the better you’ll start to feel.”

Stephanie Kriesberg, PsyD, author of Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

Establishing Boundaries

Typically, the best way to deal with narcissists is to not engage with them at all. However, this advice is not always possible in a parent-child relationship.

Nevertheless, to protect and rebuild your mental health and self-esteem, you must learn how to establish clear boundaries and communicate them assertively to your mother.

Building boundaries is not always easy as it can cause a lot of anxiety and guilt. As such, it might be helpful to work on boundary setting with a therapist.

Make sure that you start small and remember that this process will take time and patience. Be firm about what you will and will not tolerate.

Describe what you want, what you do not want, where your responsibilities lie, and where they end.

Boundaries can make you feel safe, give you a sense of self-worth, and protect you from further manipulation and abuse.

Here is some advice on how to establish your boundaries:

• Identify your boundaries: What behaviors and interactions are unacceptable or harmful to you? What are your values? What do you need to feel safe and respected?
• Putting everyone else’s opinions and needs aside, what do YOU need from the relationship?
• Examine your relationship with your mother: What are the unhealthy aspects of your relationship with her?
• In your view, what does it mean to be a healthy, independent adult?
• Identify and utilize your protective factors, such as supportive relationships, exercise, work, school, mindfulness, problem-solving skills, etc.
• Now, think about establishing boundaries with your mother: Do you want a relationship with her? What do you want to share and not share with her? What are your limits?

Implementing Boundaries

When you have established your boundaries, you can start to implement them. It might feel uncomfortable at first and you may feel a sense guilty or shame.

That’s why it is important to start small and work your way up. For example, you could start by practicing a self-care routine. Taking care of yourself will help you maintain the strength to implement and enforce your boundaries.

When you are ready, communicate a boundary to your mother. When communicating your boundaries, be clear, direct, and assertive.

Deliver it in a non-confrontational by avoiding accusatory language, as this may lead to defensiveness or escalation. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs, such as “I feel hurt when you criticize me constantly. I need you to respect my choices and not belittle me.”

Remember that you do not need to justify yourself. Your mother may have birthed and raised you, but you have the right to set boundaries and prioritize your well-being.

Your mother will likely rebel, resisting or ignoring your boundaries. She may even become angry, defensive, or attempt to manipulate you. Stay true to your boundaries and seek support from others who understand your situation.

If you said you will not share details of your love life with her, and she keeps pressing for information, remind her of your boundaries. Try not to react to her tantrums and manipulation.

Remember that setting and enforcing boundaries takes time and practice. Be compassionate with yourself as you navigate this process. You deserve to have your boundaries respected and your well-being prioritized.

How Do You Emotionally Detach From a Narcissistic Mother?

Emotionally detaching from your mother can be complex and challenging because of the intrinsic closeness between a parent and child.

This process can take time and patience. You may want to consider working with a therapist or counselor who specializes in narcissistic abuse and family dynamics.

Whether you are navigating this process alone or with a mental health professional, here are some points to consider:

• Learn about narcissism and the traits and behaviors associated with it as a way to understand the effects it has on both you and your mother.
• Acknowledge and validate your own feelings and experiences. Give yourself compassion to feel anger, sadness, or frustration towards your mother. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of the mother-daughter relationship you may have desired but never had.
• Learn to put yourself first. Prioritize your own well-being and healing. Engage in activities that bring you joy, relaxation, and fulfillment. Focus on nurturing yourself and developing a strong sense of self outside of your mother’s influence.
• Understand that you may feel a sense of loss – the loss of childhood, the loss of a close relationship with your mother, and the loss of being able to trust others.
• Practice compassion and forgiveness. Holding onto anger will only burden you and cause you mental and physical pain. Forgiveness can help bring some peace of mind.
• Let go of people-pleasing and approval-seeking.
• Take responsibility for your psychological development. Redirect your energy towards personal growth and healing. Engaging in self-reflection can help you gain insight into your own needs, triggers, and patterns of interaction.
• Find compassion for your inner child. Have a conversation with your child-self and try to soothe and comfort them. Be the caring and supportive adult you never had growing up.

What Others Have Said

The following are quotes from participants with narcissistic mothers who took part in qualitative research (Lyons et al., 2023 & Määttä et al., 2020).

These participants share what helped them recover and how they have learned to cope:

“The actual change toward better life started to happen when I moved away from my home place, to over 900 km away to study.” 

”I have not visited my birth place in almost ten years which has helped me to create a healthy self-image and self-esteem.”

”My mother is now 90 years old and now, little by little I dare to break with her totally. I am tired of being taunted, nullified, bullied. A few people have called me after this solution asking why I am so awful to my mother.”

 “The current situation is that I am still in contact with my mother but I am matter-of-fact and do not tell her anything about me anymore. It works somehow but I still feel bad inside. I hope that get rid of this distress when she is gone.”

“I do still notice myself looking for ‘mom’; mother’s love, mother’s attention etc. Nowadays, I recognize that and am conscious about it. Still 20 years ago, I did not. Now she does not fool me anymore, we are not fighting anymore, which makes her perplexed.”

“It was until this winter that I found my way to the peer support group for the victims of narcissists. It is time shake off the childhood and youth dreadfulness. I do not want these things to follow me in the grave.”

“It has been important to move on to my own life and strengthen my own dreams. In my life, I can make solutions and changes. Also, helping other people in the same situation is rewarding. My childhood experiences help me understand others. Providing experiences of joy, justice, and caring to other victims of narcissists give me energy.”

“Nature and nearby woods offered me a safe place to be. I used to play in the woods often alone. I thrived smelling the woods only because nothing in there intimidated or blamed me.”

“Nature provided me joy and strength when I was a child. When I felt really bad and wanted to cry, I went to forest by myself and ’charged’ for a while. The nature would heal and make me whole, and would return with new strength and I could tolerate my life again.”

“After finding the illness called narcissism, I have been able to be stronger in front of my mother.”

“Only about at the age of 40, I realized that my mother is a narcissist. It was a huge relief to get a name to this sickness.”

“Upon therapy and further analysis, I came to realise that I associate family with entrapment, living to serve others, not pursuing your dreams, depression… Marriage and family mean prison, and all the negative emotions that go with that”

“…I realised that it is ridiculous to convince others that my childhood abuse and resulting PTSD is not that bad… Because it was that bad, it wasn’t my fault, and my narcissistic family does not define me”

“I had an epiphany when I realised that I wasn’t just worthy of love, but I was a goddamn catch! I was nice, cute, enthusiastic in bed, smart, loyal, good cook, and financially independent. I could and should be picky. I should find someone worthy of me”

Sources

Fabrizio, K. (2023) The Good Daughter Syndrome. Raleigh, NC: Makers Mark Press. 

Jabeen, F., Gerritsen, C. & Treur, J. (2021) Healing the next generation: an adaptive agent model for the effects of parental narcissism. Brain Informatics. 8, 4.

Kjærvik, S. L., & Bushman, B. J. (2021). The link between narcissism and aggression: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin. Advance online publication.

Kriesberg, S. M. (2022). Adult Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers: Quiet the Critical Voice in Your Head, Heal Self-doubt, and Live the Life You Deserve. New Harbinger Publications.

Lyons, M. & Brewer, G. & Hartley, A.M. & Blinkhorn, V. (2023). “Never Learned to Love Properly”: A Qualitative Study Exploring Romantic Relationship Experiences in Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents. Social Sciences. 12. 159. 

Mahler, M., Pine, F. & Bergman, A. (1975). The psychological birth of the human infant. New York, NY: Basic Books.

Määttä, S. M. A., & Uusiautti, S. (2018). “My life felt like a cage without an exit”: narratives of childhood under the abuse of a narcissistic mother. Early child development and care.

Määttä, M., Määttä, K., Uusiautti, S., & Äärelä, T. (2020). “She does not control me anymore but I can hear her voice sometimes”: – a phenomenographic research on the resilience perceptions of children who have survived from upbringing by a narcissistic parent. European Journal of Education Studies, 6(12), 17-40. 

Scott Hoffman, M., Hanson, B. J., Brotherson, S. E., & Zehnacker, G. (2021). Boundaries. Journal of Human Sciences and Extension, 9(3), 229-252.

Stossel, C., & Litton, K. (Hosts). (2023, May 02). Narcissistic Mothers with Stephanie Kriesberg, PhD (No. 33) [Audio podcast episode]. In Evidence-Based.  New Harbinger Publications. https://open.spotify.com/show/6nqaLLxgKTN4dfotRsVWjG