Resolving bad communication takes awareness, practice, effort, and time. Every relationship has challenges, and many couples struggle with communication.
It is important to become conscious of those issues and address them together.
You might struggle with aspects of communication but there might also be elements that work well between you – celebrate the wins and work on the problems.
1. Recognize Negative Communication Styles
Communication is something we learn from our parents, teachers/mentors, and peers throughout life, but especially during the early years. Common styles include:
- Passive-aggressive: Indirect expression of negative feelings, often through sarcasm, procrastination, or subtle undermining of others.
- Aggressive: Expresses feelings and opinions in a forceful, dominating manner, often disregarding others’ feelings or needs.
- Submissive (or Passive): Avoids expressing feelings or opinions, allowing others to make decisions and prioritizing others’ needs over their own.
- Assertive: Expresses feelings and opinions in a clear, direct, and respectful manner, valuing both their own needs and the needs of others.
- Manipulative: Attempts to control others and situations through indirect means, such as guilt-tripping, playing the victim, or withholding information.
2. Learn to recognize bad communication patterns
Communication patterns between individuals are reinforced over time, like a dance. Trigger words and behaviors contribute to the formation and reinforcement of these patterns.
Communication styles can also contribute to and perpetuate negative interaction patterns:
Criticism and defensiveness: One partner often criticizes or blames, while the other gets defensive and either counterattacks or shuts down.
- An aggressive style may lead to harsh criticism and blame, while a passive-aggressive style might use more subtle jabs.
- A submissive style is likely to react to criticism by shutting down or apologizing excessively, while an aggressive style will probably counter-attack.
- An assertive response to criticism would be to calmly express how the criticism makes one feel and request a more respectful dialogue.
Stonewalling: One partner withdraws and refuses to engage in the conversation, leaving the other feeling unheard and frustrated.
- A passive or passive-aggressive style is most likely to use stonewalling to avoid confrontation or express resentment indirectly.
- An aggressive partner may stonewall as a form of punishment or control.
- The partner of a stonewaller, if aggressive in style, may become even more heated in an attempt to force engagement, leading to escalation.
Contempt: Partners treat each other with disrespect, mockery, sarcasm, or eye-rolling. This can be very damaging.
- Aggressive and passive-aggressive styles are most prone to expressing contempt through mockery, sarcasm, and disrespect.
- Manipulative styles may use a more subtle contemptuous tone to belittle or shame their partner.
- Contempt is difficult to respond to assertively, but the ideal would be to calmly call out the hurtful behavior and set a boundary around respectful treatment.
Escalation: Conversations quickly escalate into heated arguments with raised voices, interrupting, and not listening.
- Aggressive styles tend to rapidly escalate conflicts with raised voices, interrupting, and verbal attacks.
- Passive-aggressive styles may use provocative comments or non-verbal cues to bait their partner into an escalated reaction.
- Submissive styles are more likely to withdraw in the face of escalation, while assertive styles will attempt to de-escalate by lowering their own voice, listening, and searching for compromise.
Mind Reading: expecting your partner to read your mind can lead to misunderstandings, frustration, and unmet needs in a relationship.
- Passive-aggressive styles may hint at their needs or desires through sarcasm or subtle jabs, expecting their partner to pick up on the subtext.
- Submissive styles may silently hope their partner will intuit their needs and desires without them having to express them.
- The assertive style is the least likely to rely on mind-reading, as it values direct, respectful communication.
In many troubled relationships, partners exhibit a mix of styles that feed into destructive cycles. For example, a passive-aggressive partner coupled with an aggressive one may fall into a pursue-withdraw pattern, where the aggressive partner attacks and the passive-aggressive one retreats and retaliates indirectly.
The key is for both individuals to work towards an assertive style, expressing their own needs clearly and respectfully while also making space to hear and consider their partner’s needs.
This is easier said than done, especially when entrenched patterns are at play, but awareness of the dynamics is an important first step.
From there, couples can practice new communication skills and seek professional help if needed to break negative cycles.
Reflective Questions
Each person’s communication style and response to triggers shape the patterns. To make changes, reflect on how these patterns were established, your role in them, and the adjustments you wish to make.
- How did your first family communicate with one another?
- How have these patterns been duplicated in personal relationships?
- What communication styles do you tend to use in different situations (e.g., with a partner, friends, colleagues)?
- How do you express your feelings and needs, and how do you respond to others’ expressions of their feelings and needs?
- What communication patterns in your relationships are serving you well, and which ones would you like to change?
3. Why talking about experience is more beneficial
Focusing on individual experiences rather than arguing about the ‘facts’ of past events is more beneficial in resolving conflicts.
Each person’s perspective is subjective and may not align with the other’s recollection. Insisting on one’s own version of the ‘truth’ can lead to further division and hinder understanding.
Instead, discussing the feelings and consequences of the experience allows for a more constructive dialogue.
By sharing how the event impacted them emotionally, each person can provide context and clarity without engaging in a blame game. This approach creates a space for empathy, validation, and mutual understanding.
Shifting the focus from ‘facts’ to experiences reduces the likelihood of defensive reactions and accusatory statements.
It encourages active listening and fosters a more collaborative problem-solving environment.
4. Have a ‘We’ Attitude
Adopting a ‘we’ attitude is a powerful way to foster intimacy, trust, and collaboration in your relationship.
When both partners approach challenges as a united front, it strengthens the bond between them and creates a sense of shared purpose.
Inevitably, there will be conflict at times. When this happens, approach it with a solution-focused or problem-solving mindset rather than placing blame and wanting to “win”.
Focus on finding a solution together and compromise where necessary – always ask yourself: How can we resolve or overcome this? How can we find common ground?
Using ‘we’ language helps shift the focus from individual blame or criticism to joint problem-solving.
Instead of pointing fingers or making accusations, which only breeds defensiveness and resentment, you frame issues as opportunities for growth and improvement as a couple.
Embracing a ‘we’ mindset also means acknowledging that change is a process, and setbacks are normal.
By committing to tackling challenges hand in hand, you create a supportive environment where both partners feel safe to be vulnerable, make mistakes, and learn together.CopyRetry
5. Manage Your Emotions
Managing your own emotions is a crucial skill in maintaining healthy relationships and productive communication with your partner.
When faced with stressful situations or conflicts, it’s natural to experience a surge of intense emotions that can cloud your judgment and lead to reactive behavior.
However, it’s essential to remember that you are responsible for regulating your own emotional state, not your partner.
To effectively manage your emotions, start by developing self-awareness. Learn to recognize your emotional triggers—those specific situations, words, or actions that tend to spark strong reactions in you.
Once you identify your triggers, you can begin to develop coping strategies to help you stay grounded and centered when they occur.
6. Clear and Honest Expression
Being transparent and direct about your thoughts, feelings, and needs is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship.
When you communicate honestly, you give your partner the opportunity to understand your perspective and work with you to address any issues or concerns.
If something is on your mind or bothering you, tell them clearly and constructively.
Together, work on building a dynamic that’s trusting and accepting so you both feel able and comfortable to share your feelings, perspectives, and insecurities.
Use “I” Statements
However, it’s important to express yourself constructively, focusing on “I” statements that convey your own experiences without blaming or attacking your partner.
Instead of saying “You did this…” or “You never do that…”, try expressing yourself without blame. Use “I” statements to convey your feelings, such as “I feel hurt when…” or “I’m uncomfortable with…”
For example, saying, “I feel overwhelmed when we don’t divide household tasks evenly” is more effective than saying, “You never help out around the house.”
Using this kind of language means the other person is less likely to feel attacked and become defensive.
7. Validate Feelings
Validation is the act of acknowledging and accepting your partner’s feelings, even if you don’t necessarily agree with their perspective.
When you validate your partner’s emotions, you show them that you hear, understand, and care about their experiences.
Validation helps create an atmosphere of emotional safety and connection in your relationship. When both partners feel heard and understood, they are more likely to open up, work through conflicts constructively, and maintain a strong, loving bond.
Let your partner know their feelings are valid and important to you.
Practice Active Listening
Active listening is a crucial component of validation.
You can do this by giving your partner your full attention without interruption or judgment, asking questions, and saying things like, “That must have been difficult for you” or “I see where you’re coming from…”
Allow each other to speak and finish what you’re saying without interruption. Listen attentively and ask open-ended questions, showing empathy and acknowledging feelings and perspectives.
Try to listen without making assumptions or attempting to read the other’s mind. Giving each other the space to express yourselves honestly and openly will deepen your connection and improve the relationship.
8. When Arguing: Choose One Topic at a time
When conflicts arise in relationships, it’s common for couples to fall into the trap of bringing up multiple unresolved issues at once.
In the heat of an argument, it can be tempting to unload all of your pent-up frustrations, past hurts, and disappointments onto your partner.
You might think, “As long as we’re fighting, I might as well get everything off my chest.” However, this approach is counterproductive and can lead to even more damage in your relationship.
When you bring up a litany of complaints during an argument, it overwhelms your partner and makes it impossible to address any single issue effectively.
Your partner may feel attacked, defenseless, and unsure of where to start in addressing your concerns. They may shut down, become defensive, or retaliate with their own list of grievances.
As a result, the conversation becomes a chaotic, emotionally-charged mess where nothing gets resolved, and both partners feel unheard and resentful.
A much more effective approach is to choose one specific topic to discuss at a time.
Before starting the conversation, both partners should agree on the issue at hand and commit to staying focused on that single topic.
This allows for a more manageable, productive dialogue where each person can express their thoughts and feelings without getting sidetracked.
9. Mind Your Body Language
Nonverbal communication, including body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions, can significantly impact how a message is conveyed and received.
Being aware of and adjusting your nonverbal cues can help foster more open, positive, and productive communication with your partner.
Here’s how this tip fits into healthier communication patterns:
- Open body language (uncrossed arms, relaxed posture) signals receptivity, engagement, and a willingness to listen and connect with your partner.
- A warm, gentle tone of voice conveys respect, care, and emotional attunement, even when discussing difficult topics.
- Facial expressions that are soft, open, and empathetic (such as smiling when appropriate or maintaining eye contact) help create a safe, supportive space for dialogue.
10. Increase Your Awareness
Reflecting on the causes of bad communication in your relationships can act as a mirror, helping you identify areas for improvement and build stronger connections. Remember, reflection is an ongoing process.
Recognizing patterns allows you to take responsibility for your contribution and adjust your approach.
Unresolved Issues
Sometimes, bad communication stems from deeper problems, such as unresolved conflicts or unmet needs. Reflection can help you uncover these underlying issues and address them directly.
You may have experienced relational trauma that has impacted your ability to trust other people. If this “baggage” hasn’t been resolved, it can lead to communication issues in your current relationships.
For example, if you have an insecure attachment style because of an unsupportive, neglectful, or abusive upbringing, you’ll likely perceive others as untrustworthy.
If your ex-partner was dishonest and manipulative, you might expect your current and future partners to be the same. Or if you were bullied at school, you might struggle to open up and be yourself around others.
Emotional Barriers
This is linked to the unresolved issues mentioned above as past trauma, bad experiences, and insecure attachment styles can lead to emotional barriers that make communication more difficult.
For example, fear of rejection or judgment, avoidance, defensiveness, or hypersensitivity to perceived criticism.
Stress
If you or your partner are under a lot of stress due to work, financial issues, family conflict, or bereavement (amongst others) you might feel overwhelmed or preoccupied.
This can take a toll on the communication between partners if they don’t have healthy ways of dealing with stress e.g., they bottle it up and refuse to talk, engage in unhealthy coping strategies (e.g., drugs/alcohol), or become aggressive and impatient.
Lack of Time
It could be that partners don’t have or aren’t making enough time for communication and connection within the relationship.
Of course, there are times when busy schedules and competing priorities can get in the way but if this is an ongoing issue, the relationship will eventually suffer.
Power Imbalance
If one partner constantly dominates the conversation and decision-making process, the other person will feel unheard and invalidated.
Again, this will result in emotional distance and erode trust over time.
Technology
Smartphones, social media, and streaming services can be devastating for relationships if partners are constantly on their devices and look at their phones during a conversation (“phubbing”) instead of engaging with their partner in real life.
We’ve all seen couples sitting at a table in a restaurant while looking at their phones, seemingly more interested in what’s going on in the virtual world than the person sitting in front of them.
This sort of behavior can damage the connection and intimacy between two people, especially if it happens a lot.
9. Seek Professional Help
If communication issues persist despite your best efforts, consider seeking support from a couple’s therapist or counselor.
A trained professional can provide valuable insights and strategies for improving communication and strengthening your relationship.
By actively practicing these strategies and prioritizing open, honest communication, you can nurture a healthier and more fulfilling connection with your partner.
