Mommy issues in men refer to emotional and behavioral patterns stemming from a complex or problematic relationship with their mother.

This can manifest as difficulties in adult relationships, including excessive dependence, fear of abandonment, idealization of women, or trouble with intimacy and commitment.

The unique importance of the mother-son bond

A mother-son bond is a foundational relationship that significantly shapes an individual’s attachment style, influencing how men form and maintain close relationships throughout their lives.

The patterns established between mother and son carry over into adulthood. When these patterns involve many insecurities and conflicts, they’re commonly referred to as “mommy issues.”

It’s important to note that the mother-son relationship is not entirely responsible for a son’s relationship and life outcomes – many factors are at play (like peers, experiences, and other family members).

Nevertheless, this relationship is undoubtedly influential.

1. Repeating the mother-son patterns in his adult relationships

If a man’s relationship with his mother was dysfunctional, he might subconsciously repeat these same patterns in his adult relationships.

This can prevent him from having healthy and fulfilling relationships with women.

For example, his mother may have been overly involved in his life, making a lot of decisions for him and controlling his social interactions.

In his adult relationships, he might seek out a partner who is similarly controlling and takes on a maternal or overly nurturing role, which can lead to an unhealthy dynamic.

2. Craving attention and affection but having difficulty giving or receiving it

A man with mommy issues may want emotional connection and intimacy but fears being vulnerable.

He might seek closeness but then push people away due to this inner conflict.

For example, he might go on dates and meet women, enjoying their company and affection.

But subconsciously, he might remember how his mother rejected his affection and expected him to be “tough” and stoic.

So, as soon as he feels someone getting closer, he pushes them away and disappears.

3. Entitlement

There are some mother-son dynamics in which the mother puts her son on a pedestal.

This may mean she treats him favorably (compared to female siblings, for example), excuses bad behavior, and rarely or never implements consequences for his actions.

This can give the boy (and later the man) a sense of entitlement, and he may expect special treatment and struggle to take responsibility for his actions.

4. Trust issues and fear of abandonment

A person’s ability to trust is generally formed in early childhood, so if a mother is neglectful, abusive, or inconsistent in her affection, a guy may develop trust issues.

They can manifest as fear of abandonment, betrayal, and not trusting others’ intentions. He might protect himself by being overly suspicious, emotionally avoidant, and rejecting intimacy.

If he’s in a relationship with someone, he might unconsciously choose someone who replicates how his mother treated him, reinforcing these beliefs.

For example, he might date someone who verbally abuses him and cheats (betrays his trust), confirming and perpetuating his belief that women are untrustworthy and abusive.

5. Difficulty regulating emotions or handling conflict

If a man’s mother wasn’t a healthy role model for emotional expression and conflict resolution, he might struggle to manage and express his feelings and resolve conflict constructively.

For example, when conflict inevitably occurs in his relationships, he might shut down or walk away to avoid dealing with it head-on.

Or if he feels criticized or slighted, he might become disproportionately angry or upset.

6. Seeking approval excessively

If his mother’s love was conditional on his achievements and behavior, he might excessively seek approval from others, including his mom.

If he received excessive admiration and special treatment, he might want that to be replicated in his adult relationships.

For example, he might seek compliments, praise, and reassurance from others (in real life or on social media).

It could also manifest as people-pleasing, meaning he compulsively needs people to like him, struggles to say no, and prioritizes others’ needs over his own.

7. Comparing potential partners to his mother

Some men with mommy issues might unfairly compare other women to their mothers.

He might idealize his mother, making it difficult for any other woman to meet his standards. For example, if his mom is very tidy and organized, he may judge or reject a woman who isn’t.

If he has a negative image of his mom, he might find these flaws in all women.

Both scenarios may stop him from seeking and being able to form healthy emotional connections with women.

8. Difficulties with independence and self-sufficiency

If his mom was overly involved in his life and decision-making, he might struggle to be independent.

As an adult, he might continue to seek his mom’s approval and advice excessively or expect his romantic partners to take on this role.

Conversely, suppose he didn’t receive sufficient nurture and care from his mom growing up.

In that case, he might want to be “babied” and cared for by his romantic partners – essentially seeking a replacement mother figure and taking on a child role in his relationships.

9. Struggling to understand or relate to women

A mother can profoundly shape her son’s understanding of women.

If she’s a negative role model in terms of how she treats others, lets others treat her, or behaves towards her son, it can distort his perceptions and expectations of women.

For example, if a mother speaks and behaves badly towards other women, her son might internalize this and imitate her behavior.

Or, if she doesn’t encourage emotional expression and vulnerability, he might not understand women’s emotional needs and expressions.

10. Unresolved anger or resentment towards women

Being abused, neglected, or abandoned by his mother can leave emotional scars. He might feel resentful and angry, and project these feelings onto all women.

Generally, this is a way to cope with deep-seated feelings of inferiority, rejection, and pain.

For example, he might objectify women, advocate male dominance and female inferiority, and/or act in hostile and abusive ways towards women.

11. Lacking confidence around women

If his mom rejected him (physically or emotionally), abused him, or otherwise behaved negatively toward him, he might develop negative stereotypes about women.

As a result, he might not feel confident being around or speaking to women.

For example, if his mom ridiculed him, he might think all women would ridicule him and, therefore, feel insecure around them.

12. Difficulties setting boundaries

Boundary issues as a result of an unhealthy mother-son dynamic can manifest in different ways. He might (subconsciously):

Invade his partner’s personal space emotionally or physically e.g., want to spend excessive amounts of time with his partner when this isn’t reciprocated.
Be unable to differentiate between his own feelings and needs and those of his partners e.g., feel overly responsible for solving her issues or comforting her when she feels upset about something unrelated to him.
Have difficulty saying no and prioritizing his needs appropriately e.g., doing things for other people when he doesn’t have time or capacity.
Struggle to communicate his needs, expectations, and limits

13. Discomfort with physical affection

If his mom was overbearing (overly involved or seeking too much affection) or physically distant (didn’t provide sufficient physical affection), he might avoid or feel uncomfortable with physical affection.

For example, he might not like holding hands, cuddling, and touching.

Some might get their physical affection needs met through sex only, believing they don’t desire physical affection.

How men can resolve mommy issues

Resolving mommy issues, or the unresolved conflicts stemming from a man’s relationship with his mother, takes time and patience.

It’s often helpful to seek professional help as it can be difficult to fully understand these conflicts and insecurities and resolve them alone.

Nevertheless, there are things a man can do to start the journey towards healing his mommy issues:

General advice

In general, addressing and resolving mommy issues involves:

Reflecting and developing awareness of your specific issues
Exploring the underlying emotions and triggers
Educating yourself on mommy issues and attachment styles
Establishing and setting boundaries
Practicing forgiveness and acceptance (where appropriate)
Self-care

Advice more specific to men

Some men with mommy issues struggle with their identity as a man or feel pressured to live up to hypermasculine ideals.

These can affect a man’s ability to understand his struggles and heal his insecurities. They can also get in the way of building and maintaining healthy relationships.

Though they won’t relate to every man, you may find some of the advice helpful:

Explore masculinity

Do you think male stereotypes played a role in your relationship with your mom?

For example, did she (consciously or unconsciously) encourage hypermasculine ideals such as physical strength, aggression, and emotional coldness or stoicism?

Did she promote the belief that men should be in control and independent? Maybe even that women are inferior or should tend to a man’s needs without question?

Your mom may not have directly encouraged these ideas – they can also come from feeling resentful toward women as a result of an unhealthy dynamic with your mom.

Note that these ideals are not necessarily or only the result of a man’s relationship with his mom – there are many factors at play.

Nevertheless, since mothers are usually the main caregivers, they become a son’s first significant female role model.

This close relationship can strongly influence how he develops his identity as a man and shapes his views on women in general.

Whatever the case, explore whether your ideas around masculinity stem from your relationship with your mom and affect your relationships with other women.

Challenge and redefine

Challenge the idea that men should be emotionally distant and avoidant (or stoic). Instead, develop your emotional intelligence by learning to identify, express, and manage your emotions as well as building your empathetic capacity.
Redefine vulnerability as strength. Vulnerability can make us feel weak and uneasy, but it actually takes a lot of courage to open up and be vulnerable. It also fosters creativity and empathy and makes us feel more connected and loved.
Rethink the idea that empathy and compassion are feminine (and therefore inferior) traits. They’re very important in problem-solving, conflict resolution, and team building – crucial skills for relational and professional success.
Masculinity doesn’t have to be so rigidly defined. Find what feels authentic for you.

How to

Practice your communication and active listening skills with your friends and family to increase your empathetic capacity and emotional intelligence.
Offer emotional support and practical help to those you care about.
Take responsibility for domestic work (cooking, cleaning, childcare) – don’t allow your romantic partner to “mother” you.
If you find talking about your feelings difficult, try expressing your emotions through creative activities such as music, writing, art, or anything else that appeals to you.
Asking for and receiving support shows emotional maturity and strength. Don’t hesitate to reach out to trusted others and/or a therapist to help you on this journey.
Look for male role models who don’t adhere to traditional and harmful hypermasculine ideals.
Be a role model for other men by embracing this broader definition of what it means to be a man.
Celebrate progress, accept where you are, and remember that healing is a gradual process.

Mommy Issues In Men (and how to fix them)