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The term “mommy issues” refers to experiencing certain psychological and emotional challenges because of unresolved issues with your mom.

If your relationship with her was unhealthy in some way while you were growing up (e.g., neglectful, abusive, overbearing), it can have a negative influence on your life and relationships.

It doesn’t necessarily mean she was a “bad” parent, but some of her behaviors might have affected how you feel and act in relationships.

How these issues manifest depends on many factors and they’re unique to each person and mother-child relationship.

This article will provide a general overview of the potential causes and signs of mommy issues and discuss ways you can address them.

Signs of mommy issues

Recognizing these patterns is a crucial step in addressing and potentially changing them.

It often requires self-reflection, and in many cases, professional help to fully understand and work through these deeply ingrained relational templates.

By becoming aware of these patterns, individuals can begin to make conscious choices about their behaviors and expectations in relationships, rather than unconsciously repeating familiar but potentially unhealthy dynamics.

Mommy issues tend to start in infancy and childhood. If there was abuse, neglect or unhealth dynamics, these experiences will likely create some challenges in your life.

Patterns in relationships that mirror early maternal interactions

Relational patterns that mirror early maternal interactions are a key indicator of mommy issues. These patterns often unconsciously replicate the dynamics experienced with one’s mother during childhood.

Most critically, these patterns risk being passed down, as individuals may unconsciously recreate similar dynamics with their own children, perpetuating the cycle of maternal issues across generations.

Here’s more detailed exploration of this topic:

1. Attachment styles

Attachment theory describes how early experiences with caregivers (in this case, mothers), shape a person’s expectations, beliefs, and feelings about relationships with others and themselves.

Individuals may develop insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized) based on their relationship with their mother. These attachment patterns often carry over into adult relationships.

As such, attachment styles can affect all areas of a person’s life, from relationships, self-worth and parenting.

Anxious attachment: Excessive need for approval, fear of abandonment

A child who experienced inconsistent love and care by their mother may develop an anxious attachment style.

Parenting is inconsistent when there are times of support and responsiveness to the child’s needs, but at other times, they are cold, insensitive, or emotionally unavailable.

Children learn to cope by excessively seeking reassurance and validation. They tend to have low self-esteem and a fear of abandonment, which can make them hypervigilant and preoccupied with relationships.

As adults, they show craving for intimacy, while simultaneously fearing emotional rejection from a partner.

They can show high emotional reactivity when their mother was not available and this maternal pattern manifests to other relationships during adulthood.

Avoidant attachment: Difficulty with emotional intimacy, fear of commitment

A child whose mother was physically or emotionally unavailable, authoritarian, or overbearing may develop an avoidant attachment style.

They cope (as children and adults) by avoiding closeness and emotional intimacy, preferring to be independent and detached.

It’s difficult for them to trust other people and experience and express their emotions as a result of their early experiences.

Disorganized attachment: Inconsistent behavior in relationships, difficulty trusting

Children who experience abuse and highly inconsistent love and care from their mothers may develop a disorganized attachment style.

Like disorganized children, disorganized adults will experience conflicted emotions in relationships that vacillate between anxiety and avoidance.

They desire but fear intimacy, which leads to internal conflict and confusing behavior (e.g., being hot and cold) in relationships.

They may experience a pattern of intense, unstable relationships characterized by frequent breakups, conflicts, and emotional volatility.

2. Emotional responses:

The way a mother responds to a child’s emotions can shape how that person manages and expresses feelings in adulthood, particularly in close relationships.

An unhealthy relationship with your mom can mean you didn’t learn ways to soothe or cope with intense emotions like anger, sadness, or fear.

Now, as an adult, you might still find it difficult to self-soothe and return to stability after an emotional low or high. Conversely, you might have learned to suppress your emotions and struggle to understand what you’re feeling.

Overreacting to perceived slights or rejection
Difficulty regulating emotions in intimate relationships
Experiencing intense anxiety or anger when relationship dynamics shift

3. Unhealthy coping mechanisms

If you didn’t learn how to soothe or cope with your emotions, it can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Children also imitate their parents so if your mom had unhealthy coping mechanisms herself, they might be learned.

Substance abuse, workaholism, self-harm, emotional avoidance, and compulsive spending or gambling are a few examples of unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Workaholism: Obsessive focus on work to avoid emotional issues. Neglecting personal life and relationships for career. Deriving self-worth solely from professional achievements.
Control Issues: Micromanaging others, perfectionism, and rigid adherence to routines or rules.
Self-Sabotage: Deliberately underperforming in work or school. Sabotaging relationships when they start to get serious. Setting unrealistic goals and then berating oneself for failing

4. Partner selection:

People often unconsciously gravitate towards partners who remind them of their mothers, either in personality traits or behavior patterns.

This can be true even if the maternal relationship was problematic, as the familiar feels “right” despite being potentially unhealthy.

Consistently choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable.
Seeking partners who resemble the mother figure (emotionally or physically).
Attraction to partners who require “fixing” or excessive caretaking.
Recreating dysfunctional dynamics (e.g., caretaking, codependency, emotional distance).
Seeking out relationships that feel familiar, even if unhealthy.
Seeking partners who represent an idealized version of their mother, hoping to “correct” or heal past wounds through the new relationship.

5. Communication patterns:

The communication style learned from interacting with one’s mother often becomes a template for future relationships, influencing how one expresses needs, handles conflicts, or shares affection.

Replicating communication styles learned from maternal interactions.
Difficulty with assertiveness or tendency towards passive-aggressiveness.
Struggles with conflict resolution.

6. Power dynamics:

The power balance experienced in the mother-child relationship might be unconsciously replicated in adult relationships, leading to either overly dominant or submissive behaviors.

Recreating imbalanced power dynamics from the maternal relationship.
Difficulty with equality in relationships.
Tendencies towards control or submission.

7. Trust and intimacy issues:

Difficulties in trusting others or allowing emotional closeness can stem from early experiences with an unreliable or emotionally distant mother.

Struggles with trusting partners due to early experiences of betrayal or inconsistency.
Hypervigilance for signs of potential abandonment or rejection.

8. Self-worth and validation:

If your mom was abusive, neglectful, highly critical, or rejected you (physically/emotionally), it might have impacted your self-esteem and self-worth.

You might feel chronically unworthy of good things (like love and happiness), feel insecure about your body or self, and rarely feel good enough.

However, low self-esteem and self-worth can have many causes and is therefore not a clear indicator of mommy issues.

If maternal approval was conditional or inconsistent, individuals might seek constant validation from partners or struggle with self-esteem in relationships.

Conversely, if your mom constantly showered you in praise and admiration, you might want this replicated in your relationships.

Constant need for reassurance
Excessive people-pleasing
Emotional dependency
Difficulty setting boundaries

9. Trouble making decisions

If your mom was overbearing or controlling and made a lot of decisions for you growing up, you might struggle to make decisions independently now.

Your mom might still be overly involved and influence your decisions in various aspects of your life like relationships, career, or lifestyle choices.

When you face a decision, you might experience anxiety and uncertainty and feel compelled to call your mom to ask her advice.

Deferring major decisions to your partner, mirroring the dynamic with your mother.
Trouble setting boundaries or saying ‘no’ to friends’ requests.
Struggling to make decisions about child-rearing without consulting others.
Allowing siblings or other family members to make decisions for you.

Struggling with maternal figures

Negative feelings towards women that stem from maternal experiences

The way your mother behaved and treated you can subconsciously influence your perception of women.

This early relationship serves as a blueprint for future interactions, potentially leading to difficulties in emotionally connecting with certain women. These issues often originate from:

Negative early experiences with mother or primary female caregiver: This could include (i) emotional, physical, or psychological neglect, (ii) abuse, (iii) inconsistent care, (iv) emotional unavailability or dismissiveness of the child’s needs, or (v) overly critical or demanding parenting styles.
Witnessing unhealthy dynamics between parents: Observing a dysfunctional relationship can shape one’s understanding of gender roles and interactions. This might include: (i) observing verbal or physical abuse, (ii) witnessing persistent conflict or hostility, (iii) observing imbalanced power dynamics or control issues.
Absence of positive female role models: Lack of exposure to healthy female relationships can limit one’s ability to form positive associations with women. This absence might be characterized by: (i) limited interactions with nurturing, supportive women, (ii) scarcity of examples of women in leadership or respected positions, (iii) lack of opportunities to observe healthy, equal partnerships.

These foundational experiences can create deeply ingrained patterns that influence future perceptions and interactions with women across various life domains.

Female relationships:

Negative experiences can lead to generalized mistrust, anxiety, or resentment towards women, even in unrelated contexts.

This might manifest as difficulty connecting emotionally with women or experiencing disproportionate negative reactions to women in positions of authority.

General distrust or discomfort around women.
Difficulty forming close friendships with women.
Challenges in romantic relationships with women.
Anxiety or anger when dealing with female authority figures.
Tendency to stereotype or generalize negative traits to all women.

Psychological mechanisms:

Negative maternal experiences often lead to psychological defense mechanisms as a way for the psyche to protect itself from emotional pain and manage overwhelming feelings.

Projection: This defense mechanism involves attributing one’s own unacceptable thoughts or emotions to others. In this case, negative feelings about one’s mother may be projected onto other women. For example, assuming other women have the same flaws or intentions as one’s mother
Transference: This occurs when feelings, expectations, and attitudes from past relationships (especially with parents) are unconsciously shifted onto others in present relationships. For example, feeling anxious around a female boss due to memories of a controlling mother
Cognitive biases: These are systematic patterns of deviation from norm or rationality in judgment. In this context, they can lead to selectively focusing on information that confirms negative beliefs about women while ignoring contradictory evidence.

Impact on professional life:

These issues can significantly hinder career progression, especially in fields or organizations with strong female representation. It may lead to missed opportunities for mentorship, collaboration, or advancement.

Difficulty working with female colleagues or superiors
Avoidance of female-dominated professions or work environments
Challenges in mentor-mentee relationships with women

Grief

If you experience symptoms of grief related to your mom, it may signal mommy issues. For example, if she passed away prematurely or was physically absent for most of your life.

However, you can also experience grief if you feel you didn’t have a close or supportive relationship with your mom.

If she didn’t care for you, was emotionally absent, competitive, or abusive, you may be grieving the love and care you didn’t receive but needed.

Types of maternal grief:

Loss due to death: Premature loss of a mother can lead to unresolved grief and developmental challenges. The absence of maternal guidance during crucial life stages can create a lasting void. Unfinished emotional business or unresolved conflicts may complicate the grieving process.
Emotional absence: Grieving the emotional connection that was never formed or was consistently lacking. This can occur even when the mother is physically present but emotionally unavailable. This may result in a deep-seated longing for nurturing and validation.
Physical absence: Mourning a mother who was not physically present during formative years. This could be due to abandonment, work commitments, incarceration, or other factors. this can lead to feelings of rejection and difficulties with attachment.
Unfulfilled expectations: Grieving the idealized mother figure one never had. This involves mourning the loss of what “could have been” or “should have been.” Often accompanied by feelings of disappointment and sometimes guilt for these feelings.

Manifestations of maternal grief:

Maternal grief manifests in various complex emotional patterns that can profoundly impact an individual’s life.

One common manifestation is a persistent undercurrent of sadness or melancholy, which often intensifies during mother-related events such as Mother’s Day, birthdays, or family gatherings.

This sadness may be accompanied by a sense of loss or longing for the maternal relationship one never had or lost prematurely.

Anger and resentment towards the maternal figure are also frequent expressions of this grief. These negative emotions can sometimes generalize, extending to other women and affecting how one perceives and interacts with females in various contexts, including personal and professional settings.

This generalization can stem from unresolved feelings about one’s own mother being projected onto other women.

Many individuals grappling with maternal grief experience deep-seated feelings of abandonment or rejection. These emotions often originate from early experiences with the mother but can significantly impact current relationships.

Trust issues, fear of intimacy, or a tendency to push others away before they can leave may all stem from these unresolved feelings.

Forming close relationships, particularly with women, can be challenging for those experiencing maternal grief. This difficulty may manifest as emotional distance, inability to vulnerably connect, or a pattern of short-lived or tumultuous relationships.

The fear of recreating painful maternal dynamics can lead to avoidance or sabotage of potentially meaningful connections.

Another common manifestation is the polarization of views on motherhood. Some individuals may idealize motherhood to an unrealistic degree, placing all mothers on a pedestal and feeling perpetually disappointed when real-life mothers fall short of this impossible standard.

Conversely, others may harbor extreme criticism towards mothers, viewing them through a lens of skepticism or disdain.

Lastly, many experience cyclical periods of hope and disappointment in their maternal relationship. This roller coaster of emotions often involves repeatedly anticipating positive changes or reconciliation, only to face disappointment when these expectations go unfulfilled.

This cycle can be emotionally exhausting and reinforce feelings of grief and loss.

Triggers for maternal grief

Life transitions can trigger materanl grief:

Becoming a parent oneself: This major life change often brings unresolved maternal issues to the surface. New parents may find themselves grappling with questions about how to parent when they lack a positive maternal model.
Reaching significant age milestones: Turning the age one’s mother was at pivotal moments (e.g., when she had children, when she passed away) can trigger grief.
Career advancements or setbacks: Achievements or challenges that one would typically share with a mother can highlight her absence.
Entering or leaving romantic relationships: These transitions often bring up attachment issues related to maternal bonds.

Witnessing positive mother-child relationships can trigger maternal grief:

Observing nurturing interactions between mothers and children in public spaces
Seeing idealized portrayals of mother-child relationships in media or advertising
Hearing friends discuss close relationships with their mothers
Attending events where mother-child bonds are celebrated (e.g., school events, weddings)

Gender differences:

Though there are many commonalities between how mommy issues affect men and women, there might be some gender-specific differences due to societal and cultural influences.

Mommy issues in men might be characterized by:

Excessive dependence on his mom (often referred to as “momma’s boy”)
Seeking out relationships with women who fulfil the maternal role or have similar traits to his mom.
Avoiding emotional intimacy or connection due to unresolved feelings towards his mom.
Pressure to live up to mother’s expectations of what it means to be a man i.e., hyper-masculinity. This could instill the belief that to have worth as a man he must be physically strong, aggressive, heterosexual, never cry, etc.
If this male ideal was encouraged, he might find experiencing and expressing his emotions difficult, leading to problems in communication.
Suppressing emotions can also lead to excessive anger and aggression.

Mommy issues in women might be characterized by:

Difficulties establishing independence, making her own decisions and setting boundaries with her mom.
Struggling with self-esteem if her mom is invalidating or unsupportive, which may lead her to seek this in other ways, e.g., perfectionism and overachieving.
Seeking out partners who resemble their mother and the relationship in an attempt to resolve complex feelings and conflicts.
Difficulties with trust and intimacy in general or specifically with other women. If her mom was untrustworthy, competitive, or malicious, she may perceive other women to also be like this.
Worrying about repeating the negative patterns from her upbringing with her own children.

Causes of mommy issues

How mommy issues develop is often complex and there’s usually not one single cause. Everyone and every mother-child dynamic is unique but there are some common experiences and behaviors that can contribute:

1. Neglect

Physical and/or emotional neglect can cause attachment issues such as fear of abandonment (expecting others to leave) and dependence. It can instill the belief in child that they don’t matter, which can lead to low self-esteem and worth.

“My mom was physically present, but I always felt like she was disconnected emotionally. She never listened because she was distracted by her own problems. She often told me to just “get over it”. I never felt like my feelings mattered.”

2. Abuse

Experiencing psychological, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse in childhood can have significant long-term consequences for a person.

They may develop attachment insecurities, mental health problems, substance misuse issues, and struggle to live a fulfilling life.

“Whenever I made a mistake, she would slap me. She made fun of me when I didn’t know something and would tell me I was stupid and stuff like that. I avoided her as much as I could, to be honest. She was horrible to me.”

3. Emotional immaturity of the mother

An emotionally immature mother may be unable to regulate her own emotions and struggle to provide consistent emotional support and guidance to her child.

She might have frequent mood swings, have unpredictable reactions or struggle to empathize with her child’s feelings.

Emotional immaturity may also manifest as difficulty expressing emotions and emotional detachment (or emotional unavailability).

As a result, a child may struggle to understand and express their own emotions, which may lead to difficulties setting boundaries, an impaired sense of identity, and emotional instability.

This can make having healthy relationships more difficult.

Enmeshment

When a mother is overly involved in her child’s life, doesn’t respect boundaries, and takes too much control, it can lead to “enmeshment”.

That means, a child may struggle to find their own identity (as it’s intertwined with their mother’s) and become an autonomous adult.

“She read my journals and always wanted to know everything I was doing. If I didn’t want to tell her stuff or wanted to spend time with my friends, she’d say things like “You don’t love me” or “I’m supposed to be your best friend”. I felt guilty all the time.”

Parentification

When a child has to take on the role of an adult (parentification) it can impact their emotional and psychological development.

They might feel overly responsible for looking after their mom and guilty if they can’t meet her needs.

It can cause chronic anxiety, difficulties in relationships, identity issues, and codependency.

“My mom became really depressed when I was 14 and I had to take care of her. She told me all her problems and I felt like it was my responsibility to solve them. I looked after my siblings and did a lot of the cooking and cleaning. I couldn’t go out very much or do normal teenage stuff so I lost a lot of friends as well.”

Criticism and high expectations

Being constantly criticized or feeling like you can never live up to your mom’s expectations can lead to feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem.

This can result in perfectionism and excessively seeking validation and approval from others. However, even when you receive it, it never feels like enough.

“I was a bit chubby growing up and my mom always made comments about it. She was embarrassed by me and constantly told me to lose weight in front of our friends and family. I became obsessed with my weight and alternated between not eating and binge eating and purging. I still struggle with it even though I’d be considered slim by society now.”

Absence or loss

If your mom was absent for long periods of time, left the family, or died prematurely, it can lead to feelings of abandonment and loss in the child.

This grief can have lasting consequences for a person’s life.

For example, it may lead to attachment issues and difficulties forming healthy relationships, mental health or substance misuse issues, and a deep sense of loss.

“After my mom divorced my dad, she just disappeared. She didn’t want anything to do with him anymore, so I guess she felt she had to leave us behind as well. I was like 5 or 6 and I didn’t understand. I’ve always felt like she must have stopped loving us – otherwise, how could she have done that?”

Mental health problems or substance abuse

Having mental health or substance misuse issues can affect a mother’s ability to provide a stable and nurturing environment for her children.

It can lead to neglect, parentification, abuse, and inconsistent love and affection. Though it may not be malicious, it can harm a child’s social, emotional, and physical development.

For example, if a mother has an anxiety disorder, a child may feel like they’re walking on eggshells so as not to cause further anxiety/stress.

Or, if a mother has depression, a child may feel they need to care and support their mother, which can lead to parentification.

Narcissism

A narcissistic mother can be verbally or physically abusive, controlling, envious and competitive, belittling, unpredictable, and manipulative.

Growing up under these circumstances can have long-term consequences for a person’s mental health, self-worth, and ability to form healthy relationships.

“I could never relax growing up because I never knew what mood my mom would be in. She always had to be the center of attention and if she felt anyone was stealing her limelight she’d get angry and violent. If I cried, she’d make fun of me but if I was in a good mood, she’d do everything in her power to upset me.”

Generational

Family patterns and unresolved trauma can be passed on from generation to generation. Thus, your mom may have learned certain behaviors and emotional responses from her own mother/parents.

She may (subconsciously) behave and treat you in the same way if she hasn’t been able to heal her own wounds.

“My mom says that her mom having high expectations and being super strict helped her to become the successful woman she is. She says she wants the same for me and “tough love will prepare you for life”. So I understand why but I can’t help but feel jealous when I see my friends get hugs and kisses and compliments from their moms.”

How to address and resolve mommy issues

How you address and resolve mommy issues depends a lot on the unique dynamic you have with your mom, your preferences, and desired outcomes.

In many cases, it’s helpful to seek professional help (such as from a counsellor or psychologist) as it can be complicated to untangle and resolve these issues on your own.

Nonetheless, there are things you can do yourself that can help you on your journey.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Reflect and build awareness

Understanding where some of your challenges come from starts with reflection. It can be helpful to journal or write things down, but you can also just think about it.

For example, what was your relationship with your mother like growing up?
Did you feel supported, validated, and loved unconditionally?
What was difficult?
What was good?
What’s your relationship with her like now?
Can you see any patterns or similarities between your relationship with your mom and other relationships in your life?

2. Explore underlying emotions

When you’re with your mom or think about her, how do you feel?
Do you experience bodily sensations (like your stomach tightening or heart racing)?
Explore these emotions and feelings – why do you think you experience them?

Whatever you’re experiencing is valid. A mother-child relationship is significant so it’s normal to experience intense or confusing emotions about your mom. Even if your mom did a lot of good, it’s still okay to feel hurt or angry about certain things she did or said.

Exploring your emotions can be triggering and overwhelming at times.

Therefore, it can be helpful to do this with someone you trust or a trained professional who can help you regulate your emotions.

3. Education

Educating yourself on attachment theory and mother-child relationships can feel empowering and help you to understand your situation better.

There are lots of online resources and books on this topic or you might find it helpful to speak to an expert.

4. Set boundaries

If you believe you have mommy issues, it’s likely that your relationship with your mom is still difficult. The dynamic has been created over many years and you may still struggle to connect with her in a healthy way.

If you want to build a healthier relationship, it might be necessary to set certain boundaries. What those boundaries are will depend on your unique situation but here’s some general advice:

Identify the issues, specific behaviors, or interactions that make you feel uncomfortable or cause stress.
Consider what boundaries could help address these issues. For example, you might want to avoid talking about certain sensitive topics or limit what you share with her.
Find a way to communicate your boundaries to your mom that is firm, clear, and respectful.
Try to be consistent with implementing your boundaries – stick to your limits even when it’s difficult. It can take time for both of you to adjust to the new boundaries.
Prepare for pushback – your mom might not accept your boundaries. Try to stay firm otherwise, change will be difficult.
Setting boundaries can sometimes mean limiting contact or taking some time away from your mom to process and gain some perspective on the situation.
Learn to say no without feeling guilty. You have the right to prioritize your well-being – everyone is responsible for their own feelings.
Talk to other people or a therapist for support and guidance.

5. Forgiveness and acceptance

In some cases, it can be helpful to practice forgiveness and acceptance.

Depending on your individual experiences and circumstances, forgiving your mom can give you a sense of relief and liberation, like a burden has been lifted from your shoulders.

You could:

Acknowledge and allow yourself to feel the emotions that come up.
Try to understand your mom’s background, experiences, and upbringing as this might help you to understand (not justify) her behavior.
Have an open and honest conversation with your mom about how you feel. You could ask her about her feelings too and listen to her perspective.
It’s best not to approach this conversation with the intent to blame because that might make things worse.
Find a way to accept her imperfections and mistakes.
Understand that forgiveness is more about freeing yourself than condoning behavior or “letting her off easy”.
Have compassion for yourself – forgiveness is a process.

6. Self-care

Working through mommy issues can be a difficult process so have compassion for yourself and any emotions that come up. Your challenges today are a result of trying to cope with circumstances that were out of your control.

As you work through your issues alone or with support, make sure you make time for self-care. That means, taking intentional steps towards looking after your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

For example, doing regular exercise, eating a balanced diet, prioritizing good sleep, talking to someone about your feelings, journalling, doing mindfulness activities or spiritual practices, doing things you enjoy, learning new things and challenging your mind – whatever makes you feel healthy and balanced.