Setting boundaries with your adult children can feel like punishing them, but ultimately, having healthy boundaries will help them grow and enable you to have a better relationship.
As a parent, your relationship with your child is very important, and it’s natural to invest in their success and happiness. But are you overly involved in their life and decision-making?
You might experience concern, anxiety, or heartbreak if they’re struggling or suffering, and want to step in and help. You might also feel frustrated and desperate as a result of their behavior, lack of motivation, constant requests, or disregard for your wishes and needs.
While it’s normal for there to be some tensions between parents and their adult children, the relationship should be respectful and mutually understanding and foster autonomy and independence.
Children need to be self-sufficient – they can’t rely on you forever. Life is full of stress, struggles, and failures, and everyone needs to learn how to cope with and solve problems independently.
Eventually, your children will be grateful to you for allowing them to figure life out by themselves (though they may not say that out loud).
When Is It Time to Set Boundaries with Adult Children?
It’s time to set boundaries with your adult children if you feel they’re too dependent; their behavior is causing you to feel overwhelmed and stressed; they’re causing an unnecessary financial, emotional, or physical burden on you; or if the relationship feels exploitative (i.e., you feel your children are exploiting you.)
Take some time to reflect on your relationship with your child(ren) and explore how and why it has developed the way it has.
Maybe you feel overly responsible for them because they seem to struggle a lot. It might be that you feel you’re the only one that can help them.
While there’s nothing wrong with wanting to help and support your child at any age, you must distinguish between support and enabling.
Enabling vs. Supporting
Enabling means you do things for your children that they’re capable of doing themselves. Rather than solving the issues, it perpetuates the problems by shielding them from learning the full consequences of their actions.
For example:
- Bailing out your child whenever they’ve run out of money.
- Making excuses for their poor behavior (“It’s not his fault; he’s just really stressed.”)
- Blaming others for your children’s challenges (“It’s because of her friends.”)
- Avoiding confrontation and difficult conversations.
- Not expecting them to communicate with you respectfully and help with or contribute to the household.
Enabling behaviors like these are a sign that there’s a lack of boundaries, and this can be damaging to your child’s progression and your relationship.
Support means you’re empowering someone to take the necessary steps and help in a situation where they truly can’t help themselves.
For example:
- Supporting your child to become more financially responsible and independent rather than giving them money whenever they ask for it.
- Listening, offering words of encouragement, and providing advice when they ask for it but not getting overly involved.
- Not solving all their problems for them but allowing them to figure it out and offering guidance if needed (without taking responsibility).
Support empowers a person to make their own decisions, and, in the long run, it protects your well-being as well as your children’s.
The aim is to help them to help themselves; as the old saying goes, “Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.”
Examples of Lacking Boundaries in Parent-Child Relationships
Tamara has a 20-year-old daughter, Zoe. She calls Tamara every single day and whenever she’s experiencing the smallest inconvenience. Tamara does more to solve Zoe’s problems than Zoe does and constantly bails her out.
For example, she found university courses for her to apply to, basically did the application for her, and figured out her finances. Zoe leans on Tamara as a mother, friend, counselor, and bank. Tamara feels emotionally drained but worries that her daughter won’t manage on her own.
Ric moved back into his parent’s house because he wasn’t earning much and wanted to save up to go traveling. He refuses to pay rent or contribute to bills, makes a mess but never cleans up, and generally doesn’t help around the house.
His parents feel exploited and resentful but don’t know how to approach a conversation with Ric about his behavior because they’re worried he’ll get angry and upset.
Oli’s parents find his language and behavior towards them extremely rude – he shouts, rolls his eyes, constantly swears and uses coarse language, grunts instead of answering questions and never utters a word of appreciation for all they do for him.
They’ve told him to stop many times, but he doesn’t listen and continues to be disrespectful and inconsiderate.
Implementing Boundaries with Adult Children
Implementing boundaries with your adult children aims to promote a healthy relationship and mutual understanding and respect.
The examples above demonstrate how a lack of boundaries can lead to distress on both sides, damage the relationship, and prevent the child from learning how to stand on their own two feet.
Boundaries should come from a place of love and respect, but they should also be firm and consistent and be communicated assertively.
It’s an ongoing process and requires patience and understanding while you’re navigating the new dynamics.
Allow for mistakes and growth but don’t let it slide or give up – remember, healthy boundaries will improve the relationship and support your child’s development in the long term.
Here are some examples of helpful boundaries:
Financial
Implement boundaries around financial support such as setting a limit for how much money you’re comfortable providing and for what kind of things you’re willing to offer financial support.
Make sure you stick to it and don’t go back on what you’ve said. If they need it, you can always offer them financial advice.
Living at Home
Are you comfortable with your children moving back home? Under which circumstances would you allow them to? What are the expectations around paying rent/bills and helping around the house?
Communicate your limits and expectations clearly including the consequences for overstepping.
Communication
If you treat and speak to your children with respect and kindness, you shouldn’t expect anything less in return.
Communicate your limits around the kind of language they use towards and around you and let them know what the consequences will be if they don’t respect it.
You might also want to set limits around how and how often they contact you e.g., “only call me at work if it’s an emergency”.
Unhealthy Choices
Though it’s difficult to stop your child from smoking, drinking, or doing illegal things in their own time, you can set boundaries for when they’re at your house and in your presence.
For example, you might expect them not to smoke or do anything illegal when they’re under your roof.
Collaborative Approach
Instead of taking on their problems, collaboratively come up with a plan and support them to figure out their issues independently.
Validate their feelings and let them know you believe in their ability to succeed and overcome challenges and difficulties.
Advice on Setting Boundaries with Adult Children
- Lead by example when it comes to listening to each other, respectful communication, and avoiding judgment and criticism.
- Respect their choices, opinions, and lifestyle even if you don’t agree with them – it’s important to acknowledge and support their autonomy and independence.
- Effective communication is key when setting boundaries – be open and honest and express your limits and concerns clearly. Listen to their perspective.
- Be consistent and firm when communicating your boundaries – you might have to repeat yourself several times until it sticks.
- Implement consequences for boundary-crossing, e.g., if you lend them money and they don’t pay it back, don’t lend them money again until they can demonstrate financial responsibility.
- Be patient and understanding while you’re navigating new boundaries and expectations.
- Learn to be comfortable with seeing your child upset or angry – remember that you’re setting boundaries to help them.
- If they put you on the spot by asking for help, don’t feel pressured to give a definite answer immediately. You could tell them that you’ll think about it or that it’s not a good time and let them know you’ll get back to them. Then, decide whether it’s in both of your best interests to provide this help.
- Prioritize self-care and set an example by demonstrating self-respect.
- Seek the support of a therapist, support group, and/or friends and family if you feel it would be helpful.
Boundaries for Children with Addiction
People from all walks of life can fall victim to addiction, whether it’s to alcohol, illicit substances, smoking, prescription drugs, or gambling.
It’s extremely distressing to witness someone you care about suffer from addiction, especially your own child. Unfortunately, you can’t force anybody to stop – all you can do is support and encourage the individual, but ultimately, they have to choose to seek help themselves.
How can you support someone with an addiction?
First, it’s a good idea to educate yourself on addiction to make sense of it and what causes and perpetuates the behavior. Understanding that addiction is a disease that renders people unable to stop alone will help you to support them compassionately.
That being said, it’s not your responsibility to solve their problems. Making excuses and giving in to their every request will actually enable them to continue so you must draw firm boundaries.
Boundaries will help you to cope better and hopefully encourage them to seek help. They will likely test your boundaries so it’s important to stay firm and consistent. Boundaries can include:
- Prohibiting them to use or have drugs on them when they’re with you.
- Not providing any financial support.
- End the conversation if they treat or speak to you disrespectfully.
- Don’t pay their bills, lie for them if they’ve missed school, or bail them out when they’re in trouble with the law.
When you’re communicating your boundaries, make sure you remind them that you’re doing this to support them, not to punish them, and let them know how much you care about them.
Avoid blame, but be honest about the impact their addiction is having on you.
