9 Signs Of An Insecure Partner & How To Deal With Their Insecurities

Insecurity in a romantic relationship can manifest in a number of ways and have a significant impact on both partners and the relationship itself.

Common signs that may indicate insecurity in a relationship include excessive jealousy, low self-esteem, overprotectiveness, a fear of criticism, and a constant need for reassurance. These signs can vary in intensity from person to person, and not every insecure individual will exhibit all of them.

Recognizing and addressing the signs of an insecure partner is essential for fostering a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

It’s important to approach a relationship with empathy and understanding when dealing with an insecure partner. Both partners should work together to address these issues through open and honest communication, boundary setting, and the help of a professional, if necessary.

What are the signs of an insecure partner?

Below are some common signs to watch for:

Overprotectiveness

Overprotectiveness is a common manifestation of insecurity in romantic relationships. An insecure partner tends to exhibit behaviors aimed at controlling or monitoring their significant other’s actions and decisions.

They may read their partner’s text messages, check their social media accounts, or track their location in an attempt to maintain a sense of control and minimize perceived threats.

Or, they may try to limit their partner’s interactions with friends and family, particularly those of the opposite gender, out of fear that these connections might lead to infidelity.

Overprotectiveness is rooted in a lack of trust in the relationship as one partner tries to control or monitor the other out of fear of losing them.

Excessive Jealousy

While some level of jealousy is considered healthy in a relationship, excessive or unfounded jealousy can be problematic.

Insecure individuals often experience intense jealousy, even in situations where there is no obvious threat to the relationship. They may become suspicious or anxious about their partner’s interactions with others, fearing that any connection outside the relationship threatens their bond.

Jealousy in a romantic relationship can manifest in a number of ways, and it often includes signs like possessiveness and a constant need for reassurance. Such jealousy can be damaging to a relationship if left unchecked as it erodes trust, creates emotional turmoil, and can ultimately lead to the deterioration of the partnership.

Paranoia

Paranoia in a relationship is characterized by an unfounded and irrational belief that one’s partner is betraying them. It involves persistent and excessive mistrust and suspicion of the partner’s actions and intentions.

A paranoid individual may frequently make baseless accusations of infidelity or betrayal against their partner, often without any concrete evidence to support their claims. They may interpret innocent actions, conversations, or interactions as evidence of betrayal or infidelity.

Paranoia is often accompanied by high levels of anxiety and emotional distress.

Such behavior can be highly damaging to a relationship as it erodes trust, creates conflict, and makes it difficult for both partners to feel secure and emotionally connected.

“One time, when we first started dating, my ex texted me, and I completely ignored the text. When he found out I didn’t automatically block my ex for that, he was so extremely upset and did not get over it for literally a year. Every time we had an argument, he would use it as leverage.”

‘Diana’

Inability to Trust

Trust issues are a common hallmark of insecurity in romantic relationships. Insecure partners often struggle to trust their partner’s words, actions, or intentions, usually due to their own fears, doubts, or past experiences.

Insecure partners may frequently doubt their significant other’s commitment, feelings, and loyalty towards them.

Individuals with an anxious attachment style often find themselves attracted to partners with an avoidant attachment style, who fuel their insecurity by avoiding intimacy and emotional connection.

This dynamic is often referred to as the “the anxious-avoidant trap” or the “push-pull cycle.” Addressing the anxious-avoidant trap often requires both partners to become aware of their attachment styles and how they contribute to the relationship dynamic.

Constant Need for Reassurance

“Nearly every day, throughout the day, he needs constant reassurance I won’t leave him, that I love him. He is always asking me what I am doing, who I am typing or texting, if I am ok even on days that I am 100% fine.”

‘Katherine’

Seeking constant communication, support, and reassurance is a common behavior exhibited by an insecure partner in a romantic relationship.

Insecurity often leads to a deep-seated need for validation and emotional reassurance from their significant other to alleviate their doubts and anxiety.

They may repeatedly ask for verbal affirmations of love and commitment, asking questions such as “Do you still love me?” or “Are you sure you want to be with me?”

Individuals with an anxious attachment style often exhibit this behavior, driven by a fear of abandonment. They often worry that their significant other will leave them if they are not constantly reminded of their importance.

While healthy relationships often involve open communication, support, and reassurance, when these behaviors become excessive and are driven by insecurity, they can create challenges for both partners.

Difficulty with Intimacy

Insecurity can create barriers to intimacy, even when there’s a strong longing for it.

Specifically, people with avoidant attachment styles find it challenging to develop emotional connections with others. They typically have a deep fear of being vulnerable and exposing their true selves, worrying that revealing their insecurities or weaknesses will lead to rejection or criticism.

Insecurity can also lead to a constant state of self-doubt, making it challenging for the individual to believe that their partner genuinely cares for them. This doubt can interfere with one’s ability to fully engage in an intimate connection.

Invasion Of Privacy

Insecurity can lead an individual to invade their partner’s privacy as a way of alleviating their own anxieties and insecurities. This behavior often stems from a need for reassurance and a desire to uncover potential threats to the relationship.

These behaviors might involve going through their partner’s text messages, snooping through their personal belongings, monitoring their social media accounts, or tracking their whereabouts.

Criticizing and Belittling

Some insecure individuals cope with their own insecurities by belittling or criticizing their partner to make themselves feel better.

If your partner criticizes you, puts you down, or makes hurtful remarks about your appearance, abilities, or actions, this could be a sign of insecurity.

An insecure individual might criticize their partner because they:

• Feel threatened by their partner’s success or accomplishments.
• Want to gain control or dominance within the relationship.
• Are shifting blame onto the partner for the individual’s own insecurities or problems.
• Are projecting unresolved trauma or emotional baggage onto their partner.

No matter the intention, this behavior is neither healthy nor productive, and it can lead to a toxic and harmful relationship dynamic.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that involves lying, distorting facts, or denying events, in order to make the other person doubt their own memory, perception, or sanity.

Gaslighting is designed to create doubt in the other person’s mind. Over time, the victim may begin to question their own memory and judgment.

Gaslighting can be highly destructive and emotionally abusive. It can erode the victim’s self-esteem, cause anxiety and confusion, and lead to a sense of powerlessness.

How to deal with a partner’s insecurities

Dealing with a partner’s insecurities requires patience, empathy, and effective communication. It’s important to create a safe and supportive environment in the relationship where both partners can work together to address these issues.

Here are some steps to help you deal with a partner’s insecurities:

Help Them Identify the Problem

Helping your partner identify the underlying issues contributing to their insecurities is an essential step in addressing and working through these challenges.

Ensure that your partner feels comfortable discussing their insecurities with you by making it clear that you are there to listen and support them, not to criticize or judge.

Encourage your partner to open up about their feelings and thoughts by using open-ended questions like, “Can you tell me more about what’s been bothering you?” or “What do you think might be causing these feelings?”

Guide them to reflect on their past experiences, especially those that may have contributed to their insecurities, such as childhood upbringing, past relationships, or significant life events.

“There are profiles of people who… in their family, they’ve been taught that good things don’t last, and they are actively looking for concrete evidence of this. And when they don’t find it, they’ll scramble together whatever little pieces they want to and suddenly come at you with some kind of accusation.”

Susan Winter, Relationship Expert and Author

Regardless of the root causes, it’s crucial to validate your partner’s feelings. Let them know that their emotions are real, even if you don’t fully understand or share the same perspective.

Engage in Open and Honest Communication

Start by having an open and non-judgmental conversation with your partner. Discuss how their behavior makes you feel and then work together to find a solution that works for both of you.

Encourage them to express their feelings without arguing, criticizing, or invalidating their experiences.

Let them know that you are there to listen and understand their feelings.

The book Attached by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller outlines some principles of effective communication:

• Be completely honest about your feelings and concerns.
• Express your needs without criticizing your partner. Focus on what you’re trying to accomplish by using verbs (‘need,’ ‘feel,’ ‘want’).
• Be specific about what is making you insecure (e.g., ‘when you don’t contact me all day…’).
• Wait until you feel calm to have these conversations.
• Don’t blame or accuse your partner or make them feel inadequate.
• ‘Be assertive and nonapologetic.’ While others may not see your relationship needs or concerns as reasonable, they are valid and important for your happiness.

Show Affection, Support, and Empathy

You cannot fix your partner’s insecurities for them. However, you can offer love, support, and empathy.

Try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and understand their perspective. Remind them that you care about them and want to work together to address their insecurities.

Provide them with reassurance that you love, accept, and appreciate them. These small gestures of affection and affirmation can go a long way in boosting their self-esteem.

Overcoming insecurities can take time. Your partner may have deep-seated issues that can’t be resolved overnight, so be patient and supportive as they work on improving their self-esteem and confidence.

Set Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries help define the limits and expectations within a relationship, ensuring that both partners feel respected, safe, and comfortable.

Identify the boundaries that are essential for your well-being and the health of the relationship. These might include boundaries related to personal space, time management, communication, or shared responsibilities.

When sharing your thoughts and feelings about what you need in the relationship, be clear and specific. For example, instead of saying, “I need more space,” you could say, “I’d like to have some alone time for an hour each evening.”

Establish expectations that define appropriate behavior in the relationship to ensure that you both feel safe and respected. Some boundaries may be non-negotiable and essential for your well-being, so it is important to communicate these clearly to your partner and stand firm on them (e.g., if you are not comfortable with them checking your phone, tell them).

Remember that setting healthy boundaries is not about building walls or creating distance in a relationship. Instead, it’s about fostering a sense of security, trust, and respect.

Relationship expert Susan Winters explains that if you find yourself in a constant loop of having to defend yourself for things that you didn’t do to reassure your partner, then this is not a healthy place to be.

She explains that there is a point where you need to firmly and calmly set boundaries with your partner, such as saying, ‘This is not my stuff. This is your history, and you have to fix this because it will ruin our relationship. I will not keep defending myself against these imagined fears that you have.’

Don’t Risk Your Own Needs

It’s crucial to emphasize the importance of not sacrificing your own needs and well-being when dealing with a partner’s insecurities. Try to strike a balance between addressing their insecurities while also safeguarding your own mental health.

As mentioned earlier, setting healthy boundaries includes considering your own needs. You should not compromise your own well-being to accommodate your partner’s insecurities.

Sacrificing your needs for your partner’s insecurities can lead to codependency, where the relationship becomes unhealthy and one-sided. It’s essential for both partners to maintain their individual identities and independence.

While it’s important to be empathetic and supportive of your partner’s insecurities, it should not come at the expense of your own well-being.

Frequently Asked questions

Julia Simkus edited this article.

References

Bartholomew, K., & Horowitz, L. M. (1991). Attachment styles among young adults: A test of a four-category model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(2), 226-244.

Brennan, K. A., Clark, C. L., & Shaver, P. R. (1998). Self-report of attachment styles: An examination of the dimensionality and correlates of self-report measures. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(1), 122-135.

Gillath, O., Karantzas, G., & Orpaz, A. (2008). Attachment and the experience of romantic love. Psychological Science, 19(12), 1397-1400.

Levine, A. (2012). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – And Keep – Love. Tarcherperigee.

Mikulincer, M., Shaver, P. R., & Pereg, D. (2003). Attachment theory and affect regulation in close relationships: A test of the safe haven and secure base hypotheses. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85(1), 95-112.

Caldwell, C., & Pepin, J. (2017). Attachment and relationship satisfaction: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(3), 569-593.

Gillath, O., Diamond, L. M., & Priel, B. (2016). Attachment-based interventions for romantic relationships: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 142(4), 950-984.

Rholes, W. S., Simpson, J. A., & Oriña, M. M. (2017). Attachment theory and close relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 15, 116-121.

Shaver, P. R., Mikulincer, M., & Doi, T. (2017). Attachment Theory in Close Relationships: A Relational Perspective. Guilford Press.