Narcissistic mirroring is a manipulation tactic used by narcissistic individuals to create a false sense of connection with another person by mimicking their thoughts, feelings, interests, or behaviors.
The term “mirroring” is commonly used in psychology to describe the natural process where individuals unconsciously mimic the behaviors and body language of others during social interactions to establish rapport and build connection.
The narcissist will closely observe and then imitate their target’s behaviors, interests, attitudes, values, and emotions. Their goal is to establish a bond with the other individual by creating a false sense of similarity and making the other person feel like they have found someone who truly understands and connects with them.
Children learn how to interact and behave by mimicking their caregivers and other significant figures in their lives. In fact, this process of learning through imitation and observation is a fundamental aspect of human development.
Throughout life, we continue to mimic other people, adopting their behaviors, ways of speaking, and attitudes. For example, have you ever noticed that your speech or behavior changes depending on whom you spend time with?
Because mirroring is a way to build rapport with other people, therapists are often taught and trained to use mirroring as a therapeutic technique.
Mirroring a patient’s body language, tone of voice, speech, and emotions can help express trust, understanding, acceptance, and empathy between a therapist and client.
Additionally, neuroscientists have found “mirror neurons,” which appear to activate when an individual performs a specific action and then observes someone else performing the same or a similar action.
Although the exact extent of their role is still debated, they are thought to be a fundamental neural mechanism behind our capacity for empathy, understanding, and connection.
Studies have found that people high in (self-reported) empathy have an especially high activation of their “mirroring system.”
So, if a narcissist’s core trait is a lack of empathy, where does “narcissistic mirroring” fit in?
The Difference Between Healthy Mirroring and Narcissistic Mirroring
The difference between healthy mirroring and narcissistic mirroring lies in the underlying intentions and motivations behind the behavior.
Healthy mirroring, as described above, is a natural and positive part of human interaction; it allows us to learn, empathize, and build strong connections.
It is an unconscious behavior that occurs as a result of genuine empathy and the desire to relate to others. It is not done with the intention of manipulation or exploitation, but rather as an authentic way of showing understanding and attentiveness.
On the other hand, narcissistic mirroring is a self-serving manipulation tactic used by narcissists to exploit and control others.
Although narcissism is associated with a lack of empathy, narcissists seem to possess the ability to emulate empathy. They mimic others to gain their trust, admiration, and control – not because they genuinely empathize with them.
Why Do Narcissists Mirror?
Narcissists engage in mirroring as a manipulative tactic to lure in and manipulate others to serve their own needs. They mirror to:
- Form their own sense of identity
- Gain your trust and create a sense of intimacy
- Gather information and power
It’s important to note that not all narcissists are the same, and there can be significant variations in their behavior and personality traits.
The term “narcissist” encompasses a spectrum of behaviors and traits.
Although there are common traits and patterns observed among narcissistic individuals, each person’s experience and expression of narcissism can differ.
Some narcissists may be more overt and grandiose in their behavior, seeking constant attention and admiration, while others may exhibit covert narcissism, which involves a more subtle and manipulative approach to achieving their goals.
But a common theme among all narcissists is that they are not thinking about anyone else; their sole focus is on themselves. Therefore, their mirroring behavior is self-serving and shallow, used to fulfill their own needs and maintain a sense of superiority.
Keeping this in mind, here are common reasons why narcissists mirror:
To Form Their Identity
Narcissists, specifically the vulnerable type, do not possess a stable identity. Their sense of self is a grandiose delusion that requires constant validation, admiration, and attention from others.
As such, they use mirroring to form their identity.
When they meet you, they may notice traits, behaviors, and interests that they believe will increase their grandiosity and superiority, and then adopt these as their own.
To Win You Over
Clinical psychologist Dr. Ramadi Durvasula suggests that narcissists are “masters of mirroring,” which allows them to establish such an attractive and engaging presence.
By paying close attention to you, they can emulate the perfect partner, colleague, or friend. Once they “win you over,” they have earned a new source of narcissistic supply.
Particularly at the beginning of a relationship, narcissists will make you feel heard, understood, and accepted. Dr. Durvasula notes some strategies narcissists use to charm and seduce others:
- Mimicking their body language and behavior, creating a sense of connection
- Showing a seemingly profound and genuine interest in them
- Highlighting their strengths and successes
- Copying their hobbies and interests to create an illusion of shared values
- Reflecting back to them how they would like to be seen
To Gather “Data”
Narcissistic mirroring often plays a role in a narcissist’s greater scheme. An especially calculating narcissist might allow you to feel safe and understood until you let your guard down.
Then, once you share your fears, traumas, experiences, and weaknesses with them, they will use this information to exploit or manipulate you further.
In other words, they will devalue you by reflecting back to you your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, making you more reliant on their influence.
What Role Does Mirroring Play in the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle?
The narcissistic abuse cycle consists of three phases: idealization (love bombing), devaluation, and discard.
Mirroring usually starts in the idealization phase as a narcissist attempts to draw you in. Once the narcissist feels they have gained enough emotional dependence from you, they will use mirroring to control and maintain their dominance.
When you first meet a narcissist, you might believe you have met your “soul mate” – they seem to understand you deeply, share the same interests and quirks, and see you for who you truly are. When you talk, they seem fascinated, asking questions to try to get to know you better.
Once this phase is over, the devaluation phase creeps in. Now, the narcissist uses what they have learned against you. The mirroring behavior diminishes, and the narcissist’s true, manipulative self emerges.
For example, they may know you are concerned about your weight, so they will comment that “you look bigger.” They will criticize, undermine, and emotionally abuse you, creating a sense of confusion and self-doubt.
Unfortunately, we often believe everything they say to be true.
According to self-verification theory, even when the beliefs we have about ourselves are negative, we subconsciously want others to confirm those beliefs.
In this way, we can become stuck with the narcissist despite their abusive behavior because we still feel like they “get us.”
Dealing with Narcissistic Mirroring
The best way to deal with narcissistic mirroring is to educate yourself so you can identify their behavior early. Understanding narcissism and the tactics narcissists use can help you recognize when they are occurring.
Some common signs of narcissistic mirroring include:
- Love bombing
- Intense pressure to share private information
- Lack of respect for your boundaries
- Copying or mimicking your behavior, interests, and attitudes
If you feel that someone is mirroring you excessively or behaving inauthentically, trust your instincts. Depending on the severity of the situation, you might need to limit your contact or disengage with the individual altogether. If this is not possible, you should establish clear boundaries.
If you do not disengage early on, you might get sucked into an abusive relationship.
And if you are already in a relationship with a narcissist, be cautious about sharing sensitive or personal information with them as they may use this information against you or to manipulate you later on.
A person who truly loves and cares about you does not use your vulnerabilities against you. Mirroring behavior is not genuine empathy or connection.
It is also important that you prioritize your emotional well-being and work on building your self-confidence so that the beliefs you hold about yourself are robustly positive rather than distorted.
True confidence means that the words and actions of others will not make you question your own self-worth. Reaching out to friends, family, or a therapist for support and validation can also be beneficial.
Sources
Durvasula, R. (2020). What is Mirroring? (Video). YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vDiqw337Cwc
Jabbi, M., Swart, M. & Keysers, C. (2007). Empathy for positive and negative emotions in the gustatory cortex. Neuroimage, 34(4), 1744-53.
Jeon, H. & Lee, S.H. (2018). From Neurons to Social Beings: Short Review of the Mirror Neuron System Research and Its Socio-Psychological and Psychiatric Implications. Clinical Psychopharmacology and Neuroscience, 16(1), 18-31.
