Although it can be difficult for two people with an anxious attachment style to date, it’s not impossible if both partners are willing to work on themselves and the relationship.
Because of their similarities, a relationship between two people with an anxious attachment style can be challenging but can also provide opportunities for growth.
That being said, relationship compatibility goes beyond attachment style alone. So, while knowing your attachment style can give you good insight into your relationship patterns and insecurities, it’s not the only thing that can make or break a relationship.
Everyone is unique, and their attachment style will express itself differently, for instance, some are more anxious than others.
Therefore, this article is a general exploration of a relationship between two anxious attachment styles, but always keep in mind your individual situation and how attachment anxiety manifests in your life.
Challenges for Two anxious attachment Styles Dating
In a relationship between two anxiously attached individuals, both are likely sensitive to rejection, often feel neglected, and can use controlling behavior (e.g., checking their partner’s phone) in an attempt to ease their anxiety.
So, essentially, the challenge is that both individuals can amplify each other’s attachment anxiety, which can lead to more conflict.
Attachment styles are internal working models of feelings, expectations, and beliefs about the self (negative or positive self-view) and whether the other person will be responsive and available to you.
Someone with an anxious attachment is suspicious of others’ intentions and believes they’ll eventually leave and abandon them. This anxiety means they want to be close to their partner all the time and worry their partner will leave.
To deal with the anxiety, they can become distressed, controlling, “clingy” and excessively seek closeness and reassurance.
If two people in a relationship are like this, it can be challenging if neither is aware of their attachment insecurities or willing to work on them. Here are some of the reasons why:
1. Heightened Anxiety
When both partners are anxious, they might not be able to help each other regulate their distress. Instead of your partner helping you to regain emotional control, their anxiety might make yours worse and vice versa.
The attachment system is activated during times of stress—in other words, when you’re going through something stressful or upsetting, you look to your close relationships for support.
For those with anxious attachment, relationships are a major source of stress because of their internal beliefs about self (“I’m not good enough”) and others (“They’re going to leave me”).
- Heightened emotional sensitivity: Both partners may be more sensitive to perceived threats or signs of rejection, which can lead to frequent misunderstandings and conflicts.
- Hypervigilance: Each partner may monitor the other’s behavior, words, and tone for signs of rejection or abandonment. This heightened sensitivity can lead to a cycle of overanalyzing and misinterpreting each other’s actions.
- Fear of abandonment: When both partners have anxious attachment styles, the fear of abandonment can lead to a complex push-pull dynamic. They may cling to each other for reassurance, while also pushing away due to fear of engulfment.
2. Dependency
Anxiously attached individuals tend to rely heavily on others for validation and reassurance. They want the other to soothe their anxiety around abandonment/rejection, which can lead to clinginess and overdependence.
If both partners struggle with this, it can create a dynamic in which neither partner feels capable of managing their anxiety without the other.
Anxiously attached individuals often seek constant reassurance from their partner, which can be draining for both parties.
If both are excessively seeking reassurance from the other, neither partner will be able to fully respond to the other’s needs (because they’re focused on their own needs), which can lead to more emotional instability and conflict.
This can get in the way of individual growth and autonomy and may eventually lead to feelings of resentment or suffocation.
3. Difficulty Establishing Boundaries
Anxious attachment is associated with having difficulties setting and maintaining boundaries. If you fear being abandoned, it’s natural to do what you believe might make them stay – and you might end up letting your boundaries slide.
However, boundaries are essential for a healthy relationship so if both partners aren’t confident in setting and maintaining boundaries, it can be challenging to find a balance between closeness and autonomy.
A lack of clear boundaries negatively impacts the quality of a relationship as it causes conflict, confusion, and dependence.
4. Communication Issues
Communication can be an issue in a relationship between two anxiously attached people as they may both have difficulty expressing their needs and emotions clearly.
Both individuals might struggle with criticism, become easily offended, and interpret the other’s actions negatively due to their hypersensitivity to rejection/abandonment.
If these insecurities and needs are not expressed in a healthy way (e.g., passive-aggression, clinginess, jealousy, etc.), it can lead to more conflict.
They might be so focused on their own insecurities that it makes it difficult to really listen to the other person. Strong emotions can get in the way of a calm, constructive discussion.
5. Mismatched Dynamic
In some cases, a relationship between two anxiously attached people may not work out because there’s no chase or “push and pull” dynamic, which might make the relationship go stagnant quickly.
To explain, people tend to choose partners who confirm what they think about themselves and others. So, because anxiously attached people often believe they’re not good enough and others will abandon them, they might subconsciously seek a partner who is distant and emotionally unavailable – because it confirms those beliefs (self-fulfilling prophecy).
Another anxiously attached person might not provide this misguided validation.
Thus, although they might enjoy the attention and mutual understanding, it might be less exciting and contradict their belief system (which can lead to the uncomfortable feeling of cognitive dissonance).
6. Harmful Relationship Outcomes
Research into what happens when two people with an anxious attachment date have found the following themes:
- Higher levels of marital conflict
- Partners are perceived as less supportive.
- More distancing behavior (emotionally and physically)
- Women were more likely to use “power assertion behaviors” in conflict, e.g., verbal threats, rejection, and demands.
- Increased relationship violence.
Although research has found these outcomes for the majority of couples they studied, it doesn’t mean every relationship is like this or that it’s impossible for two anxiously attached people to be happy together.
What are the advantages of two people with anxious attachment dating?
While a relationship between two anxiously attached people can be challenging, there are also some potential benefits, such as:
1. Emotional Connection
Two people with anxious attachment styles might bond over their fears and insecurities, which can create a strong emotional connection – at least in the early stages of a relationship.
They might be able to share openly and support each other, making them feel understood and cared for.
However, it’s important to note that this connection may be based on shared anxieties rather than genuine compatibility, which could lead to issues down the line.
2. Mutual Understanding and Validation
Because they share similar anxieties, they might be better at providing the kind of love, validation, and reassurance the other needs to feel secure.
They may be more attuned to each other’s needs for reassurance and validation. However, there’s also a risk of enabling each other’s insecurities and anxieties, rather than challenging each other to grow.
Their shared experience can mean they have more empathy and understanding, which can deepen their bond.
However, there’s also a risk of enabling each other’s insecurities and anxieties, rather than challenging each other to grow.
3. Shared Growth and Healing
If both partners recognize their attachment insecurities and want to address them, they can work together to overcome their anxieties.
This can foster a healthy dynamic and lead to personal growth and healing within the relationship.
However, this requires a high level of self-awareness, communication, and willingness to change from both partners.
How can two anxious attachment styles date each other?
By understanding each other’s fears and insecurities, both anxiously attached partners can work together to build a healthy relationship.
Ultimately, it comes down to your individual personalities, communication styles, and willingness to work through challenges together.
If you’re both aware of your attachment style and insecurities and want the relationship to work, it’s entirely possible to date someone who also has an anxious attachment style.
Here’s some advice on how you can work through the challenges:
1. Effective Communication
Good communication is a practice that requires conscious effort and patience.
It’s respectful and compassionate yet assertive and clear, and both partners actively listen to each other and focus on solutions rather than solely on problems.
Though you may both have an anxious attachment style, your specific insecurities and triggers may vary, so it’s important to listen and find ways to support each other.
2. Mutual Reassurance (and Accountability)
If you both struggle with fears around abandonment, find ways to reassure each other. Have a conversation and openly talk about how you’d like to be loved and supported.
It’s crucial to hold each other accountable for unhelpful behaviors to promote growth. However, it’s also important to be gentle and understanding when anxieties flare up.
Providing reassurance through words and actions can help ease fears of abandonment.
Reassurance can include:
- Telling them how much you care.
- Being consistent in how you interact with them.
- Honor your promises and commitments e.g., call when you said you’d call.
It’s also important to pull each other up on unhelpful behaviors (e.g., clinginess, controlling behavior, jealousy, etc.).
Both should hold the other accountable when their anxieties flare up as this will lead to growth – if you always excuse or ignore unhelpful behavior, it can’t change.
3. Set Boundaries
The first step in setting healthy dating boundaries is to understand what they are (your limits and needs).
You consider what’s important/ non-negotiable to you in a relationship and what you need from a partner (those are your boundaries), and then you communicate that to them.
So, in this case, both partners need to establish their boundaries and discuss them with each other. Importantly, you both need to respect them and avoid crossing each other’s boundaries.
It can be anxiety-provoking as you might interpret the boundary as a sign of rejection, but remember that boundaries are meant to bring you closer together by allowing you the space to love each other freely.
4. Encourage Independence
Encouraging each other’s individuality and autonomy can build trust and reduce anxiety. It’s important to support each other’s interests and goals outside the relationship.
Again, this could be anxiety-provoking for anxiously attached individuals as they try to keep their partner as close as possible (in the hope that will make them stay).
However, in a healthy relationship, partners encourage each other to pursue their own interests, hobbies, and goals outside of the relationship.
It means you respect the other’s individuality and autonomy, which can build trust and enable you to learn how to soothe your anxiety.
5. Be Patient
Healing attachment insecurities takes time and patience. You’re unlikely to resolve all the individual and relationship issues overnight.
Instead, you need to work at it consistently and provide each other with support and encouragement.
Viewing it as a team effort can make it feel more manageable.
If you take on the perspective that you’re a team working on this “project” together, it will be much easier.
6. Seek Professional Help if Needed/Wanted
Navigating attachment styles and insecurities can be complex and sometimes it might be easier to have a trained professional support your journey.
Summary
There are challenges to dating someone with the same anxious attachment style as:
- Amplified attachment anxiety can increase conflict.
- Heavy reliance on each other for validation and reassurance can hinder individual growth and autonomy.
- Boundary issues may arise.
- Communication difficulties due to hypersensitivity to rejection and abandonment.
- Research shows higher levels of marital conflict, less perceived support, more distancing behavior, increased use of power assertion behaviors, and increased relationship violence.
However, there can be some advantages:
- Strong emotional connection through shared fears and insecurities.
- Better ability to provide love, validation, and reassurance due to shared experiences.
- Potential for shared growth and healing if both partners recognize and address their attachment insecurities.
Strategies for success include:
- Practicing effective communication with empathy, active listening, and focus on solutions.
- Providing mutual reassurance and holding each other accountable for unhelpful behaviors.
- Establishing and respecting healthy boundaries to bring partners closer together.
- Encourage independence to build trust and individual autonomy.
- Be patient and consistently work on individual and relationship issues.
- Seek professional help if needed to navigate attachment styles and insecurities.
Sources
Beck, L.A., Pietromonaco, P.R., DeBuse, C.J., Powers, S.I. & Sayer, A.G. (2013). Spouses’ attachment pairings predict neuroendocrine, behavioral, and psychological responses to marital conflict. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 105(3), 388-424.
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