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Girlfriend material is a subjective term that varies depending on personal preferences, relationship expectations, and cultural norms.

Nevertheless, certain traits and behaviors are often associated with someone considered girlfriend material. Conversely, some traits and behaviors are red flags and might mean she should be approached cautiously.

Illustration of a man and woman doing 'finger guns' and winking at each other.

If you’re wondering whether the woman in your life is girlfriend material, I recommend reflecting on your values and interests, and considering what might be holding you back from her.

Are there things about her that make you doubt whether she’s girlfriend material? Why is that? On the other hand, what are the things that make her right for you?

If you’re a woman wanting to work on yourself to attract a partner, remember that becoming girlfriend material shouldn’t mean fundamentally changing who you are but rather enhancing your qualities and building healthy relationship skills.

So, in general terms, what makes a woman girlfriend material?

Girlfriend Material Traits

Here are some traits and behaviors that are associated with being girlfriend material.

It’s important to remember everyone’s preferences and priorities regarding relationships and what is considered girlfriend material are different.

Also, no one is perfect, so if she has flaws and habits you don’t like, consider how important those are. Can you forgive certain flaws? Has she accepted yours? Most important is a willingness to work on yourselves and the relationship.

Communication Skills

Open and honest communication is key for a relationship to work.

If she’s able to express herself clearly, doesn’t shy away from difficult conversations, and actively listens and tries to understand your thoughts and feelings, that’s very valuable.

Trustworthiness

Everyone wants a partner they can trust, and this is one of the main pillars of a healthy relationship.

If she’s reliable, honest, and trustworthy, that’s a definite plus point – in fact, without these traits, the relationship probably won’t last.

Supportiveness and Understanding

When you’ve had a bad day or something upsetting or stressful has happened, what’s better than a partner who listens and shows understanding and empathy?

She might ask what you need (e.g., “Do you want to talk, or should I give you space?”), do something nice for you, or simply be by your side.

If you feel you can lean on her and she wants to understand your point of view, that’s worth a lot.

Respect

Does she respect your boundaries, opinions, and autonomy?

Is she respectful towards your friends and family?

Does she treat herself with respect? If so, she’s probably girlfriend material.

Physical and Emotional Intimacy

Having a similar need for physical closeness and sex is important for lasting happiness. Of course, there are times when one person needs/wants it more than the other, but there should be an overall balance.

For example, if your love language is physical touch, but she doesn’t like too much physical contact, you’ll probably both end up feeling unsatisfied.

Emotional closeness is just as important for a healthy relationship so it might be helpful to consider: Do you feel understood, supported, and valued? Are you emotionally connected?

Sense of Humor

Sharing a sense of humor is often overlooked when considering what makes someone a good partner. But if you make each other laugh and you can be yourself around her, that’s very valuable.

Independence

It’s important to spend time together and have shared goals and dreams. But in a healthy relationship, two autonomous individuals have chosen to be together and don’t depend on each other for their happiness.

A woman who has her own life and wants you to have yours while still being invested in the relationship is self-assured and will probably make a good partner.

Commitment

In a healthy relationship, both partners commit to supporting each other and treating each other with respect and understanding. If you sense that you’re on the same page about that, it’s a positive sign.

It’s also important to establish whether your ideas around exclusivity and level of investment (i.e., casual or committed relationship) align.

Compatibility

Although opposites attract, having similar values, morals, and interests is important for a relationship to be successful long-term.

While you don’t have to agree on everything and it’s essential to have your own hobbies and interests, it will be very difficult to have a long-lasting relationship if your values, morals, personality, and interests are entirely incompatible.

For example, if she’s looking for an open relationship but you’re not, it will get complicated.

Or if she’s an introvert and you’re an extrovert (or vice versa) that could cause problems – although it doesn’t have to be an issue if it’s dealt with effectively and you can compromise.

Your Feelings

How do you feel about her?
Do you genuinely care for her and enjoy her company?
Can you see a future together?

Trust your gut instinct when you’re deciding whether she’s girlfriend material for you.

Timing

Are you both in a place in your life in which you want a committed relationship?

Do you both have space and energy for a significant relationship right now?

Is she making an effort and giving you signs that she wants to be with you? That can tell you a lot about her willingness and ability to have a relationship.

Personal Opinions On What Is Girlfriend Material

I asked a few people for their opinions on what makes a woman girlfriend material; here are some of their thoughts:

Paul

“If a woman feels like home, is a moral person, and takes responsibility for her actions, she’s girlfriend material in my eyes. I should also be attracted to her physically – that’s quite important.”

Victor

“She has to have her life together like her finances and health, and she has to have a job. I like a woman who takes care of herself physically and mentally and works on her baggage and issues.

It’s also really important that she can communicate and isn’t avoidant.”

Jasmine

“A woman is girlfriend material to me when I can sense that we could talk about anything and she’s not afraid of confrontation; she tells me when I’m wrong, but she also takes accountability for herself.

It’s also important that I feel like she wants this and has space for me and a relationship in her life – she makes time for me, we make plans together and she introduces me to her people.

If we’re talking long-term relationships, our values have to be aligned like family, lifestyle, diet, spirituality, and tolerance – that kind of thing.”

Dave

“Of course, trust and respect and all those things are important but if you can’t have fun together, it’s just not going to work. For me, that means having a sense of adventure and humor and being silly together.”

How to Be Girlfriend Material

You shouldn’t feel pressured to change who you are.

However, it’s always good to strive towards becoming the best version of yourself and working through your attachment/relationship issues – primarily for the sake of your own happiness. Here’s some advice:

Attachment Issues

Your attachment style can significantly impact your desire and ability to have a healthy and committed relationship.

If you have an insecure attachment style that can make things more difficult, however, it’s possible to work on attachment issues and learn to be more securely attached.

This is great for your well-being and health and makes you more attractive to others.

You might ask yourself:

Do I feel comfortable with intimacy and emotional closeness? Or do I tend to pull away, keep partners at a distance, or fear losing my independence in relationships?
Do I often worry about my partner’s feelings for me and fear abandonment? Do I need a lot of reassurance and get anxious when I don’t hear from them?
Do I have a hard time trusting romantic partners completely? Am I prone to jealousy, checking up on partners, or expecting the worst?
Do I tend to fall quickly into intense, consuming relationships? Do I depend on partners excessively, losing my sense of self and outside interests?
When I’m upset, do I express my feelings clearly and directly? Or do I tend to bottle them up or use indirect strategies like withdrawal or excessive self-reliance?

While our default attachment style can feel hard to change, the first step is self-awareness. It’s also helpful to choose securely attached partners, express needs directly, and build trust gradually.

With insight and effort, it’s possible to shift towards a more secure style and mutually fulfilling relationships over time.

Emotional Intelligence

This means you can understand and manage your own emotions and understand the emotions and perspectives of others. Therefore, emotional intelligence is unsurprisingly an important element of a healthy relationship.

You might try journalling to understand your and other people’s emotions or develop a practice of mindfulness so that when feelings arise you can observe and understand them objectively.

You might ask yourself:

Am I self-aware? Do I pay attention to my own emotions, reactions, and triggers? Am I honest with myself about my strengths and weaknesses?
Do I practice self-regulation? When I’m feeling a strong emotion, can I manage my responses constructively? Do I avoid lashing out or shutting down?
Am I empathetic? Do I try to see things from my partner’s point of view? Can I sense and validate their feelings, even when I disagree with their perspective or actions?
Am I internally motivated to have a healthy relationship? Do I take responsibility for my role and strive to learn and grow? Am I committed to working through challenges?
Do I have strong social skills? Am I able to build understanding, manage conflict, and collaborate with my partner? Do I express appreciation and affection?

Emotional intelligence is a key ingredient for a healthy, fulfilling relationship. It allows us to understand ourselves and our partner on a deeper level, communicate effectively, navigate challenges, and grow together.

While we all have innate strengths and growth areas, emotional intelligence is a skill that can be developed with self-reflection, practice, and a commitment to personal growth.

Asking yourself these questions regularly can help you continually evolve your EQ.

Boundaries

While you should have firm boundaries, it’s also important that you respect those of others.

Respect their independence, opinions, perspectives, and decisions, and develop a habit of communicating openly about boundaries.

You might ask yourself:

Do I have a clear sense of my own needs, wants, values, and limits? Can I articulate them to myself and others?
Do I feel comfortable saying “no” when I need to? Can I decline requests or invitations gracefully, without over-explaining or feeling guilty?
Do I speak up when a boundary is crossed? Do I address it directly and calmly, without attacking the other person or silently seething?
Is there reciprocity in my relationship? Do I feel respected and consider my partner’s boundaries as well as expressing my own?
Do I take responsibility for my own emotions and wellbeing? Can I practice self-care and self-soothing, rather than depending on my partner to “fix” my feelings?

Setting and maintaining boundaries is a skill that many of us didn’t learn growing up. Women, in particular, often struggle with people-pleasing, suppressing their own needs to avoid conflict or rejection.

Codependent tendencies, intense insecurity, and a history of trauma or abuse can make boundary-setting especially challenging.

Self-Development

Many people are attracted to people who are willing to improve and work on themselves, can take constructive feedback, and are accountable for their words and actions.

Conversely, someone who is uninterested in self-development and always blames others or external factors for their problems is often perceived as less attractive.

Self-development involves making small, consistent changes that will bring you closer to your goal. For example, you might try exercising, meditating, connecting with nature, meeting new people, or learning a new skill like drawing or coding.

It’s important to remember that self-acceptance (accepting yourself as you are with compassion and an understanding that no one is perfect) is an essential part of self-development.

You might ask yourself:

Am I open to new experiences and perspectives? Do I actively seek out opportunities to learn and grow, even if they’re unfamiliar or uncomfortable at first?
Do I have a growth mindset? When I face setbacks or challenges, do I view them as opportunities to develop resilience and gain wisdom? Or do I tend to get discouraged and give up easily?
Am I self-reflective? Do I take time to examine my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors with curiosity and compassion? Can I identify my strengths and areas for growth?
Do I take responsibility for my life and choices? Rather than blaming external circumstances or other people, do I focus on what I can control and the steps I can take to create positive change?
Do I have supportive people in my life who encourage my personal growth? Can I be vulnerable with them about my struggles and celebrate my progress?

Self-development is an ongoing, lifelong process. It involves expanding self-awareness, setting meaningful goals, and taking consistent action to reach our full potential.

While it can feel challenging and uncomfortable at times, personal growth allows us to live with greater purpose, fulfillment and resilience.

Women with a high capacity for self-development approach life with curiosity and a willingness to stretch beyond their comfort zone. They’re reflective and take responsibility for their choices.

They view challenges as opportunities for growth and rely on supportive relationships for encouragement.

Communication Skills

Healthy, effective communication is essential for a relationship to work. Work on your ability to express yourself clearly so that you’re assertive, kind, and calm.

Also, develop your empathy and listening skills to ensure your potential partner feels heard and understood.

A few questions you could ask yourself include:

Am I an active listener? Do I give my partner my full attention, avoid interrupting, and strive to understand their perspective before responding?
Do I communicate my needs, feelings, and expectations clearly and calmly? Can I express myself openly and honestly without being passive-aggressive or confrontational?
Am I able to have difficult conversations in a productive way? Can I bring up sensitive topics, share constructive feedback, and work through conflicts maturely?
Do I balance sharing my own thoughts and feelings with being receptive to my partner’s? Do I make space for both of us to express ourselves?
Am I mindful of my nonverbal communication? Do my body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions convey respect, empathy and engagement?

Of course, healthy communication is a two-way street that both partners need to work on continually. And many factors beyond communication contribute to a strong relationship.

However, reflecting honestly on these questions can help women assess their communication strengths and growth areas.

The goal is learning to express yourself and understand your partner in a way that brings you closer.

What Do You Want?

Spend time getting to know yourself and understanding your values, goals, and desires.

When you know who you are and what you want, you’re more confident and, therefore, more attractive to potential partners.

Maybe the issue is that you want to be girlfriend material for a person who isn’t right for you.

When you’re dating, you should think about what you want rather than wanting everyone to like you and find you attractive (i.e., people-pleasing).

So take time to think about: What are you looking for in a partner? Who might be compatible with you?

You might ask yourself:

What are my core values and life goals? Does my partner respect and support them? Do we have a shared vision for the future?
How do I want to feel in a relationship? Loved, respected, secure, inspired, challenged? Does this person consistently make me feel this way through their words and actions?
What are my needs for intimacy, communication, quality time, affection, space, support, and fun? How well do our needs and preferences match up?
Does this person bring out the best in me and encourage my personal growth? Do I feel like I can be my authentic self with them and still feel accepted and appreciated?
When I imagine my ideal relationship five years from now, what does it look like? Is this person a good match for that vision realistically? Why or why not?

Instead of focusing on being “girlfriend material” or gaining approval, these questions help shift the focus to your own needs, wants, and long-term compatibility.

After all, a fulfilling relationship isn’t about molding yourself to another person’s expectations. It’s about being true to yourself and finding a partner who appreciates and complements the real you.

Warning Signs She Might Not Be Girlfriend Material

Certain traits can mean she’s not girlfriend material for you.

Some of these are red flags and would make it very difficult to have a healthy relationship with her; others are things you might be able to deal with as long as she’s willing to work on herself and takes feedback on board.

Manipulative and Abusive

Unfortunately, you often don’t know if someone is manipulative and abusive until later in the relationship when they show their true colors.

However, if you pay close attention to her way of communicating and behaving, it might give you an inclination. For example,

Saying “I’m fine” when she’s clearly not is a sign not only of her having trouble expressing herself honestly, but it can also mean she avoids taking accountability.
Ignoring or ghosting you can be a sign of manipulation.
Gaslighting i.e., making you doubt your memory and sense of reality.
Using guilt and shame to get her way is a manipulative mind game.
Pay attention to the way she interacts with her friends and family – do you see any signs of emotional or verbal abuse?
Does she play hot and cold? This can be a power play.
Does their affection feel excessive, insincere, or manipulative, especially early on?
Do they repeatedly cross your boundaries?

Dishonest and Unfaithful

Does she lie or bend the truth? If so, it will be difficult to establish a relationship that’s based on trust. Constantly having to second-guess someone’s words and actions is a red flag.

Also, if she tells you that she’s been unfaithful in her previous relationships, proceed with caution, as there’s a high chance she’ll be unfaithful to you too.

Unsupportive

Do you feel like she supports your dreams, goals, and aspirations? Does she take an interest in you as a person? If not, she probably won’t be a very supportive partner.

Disrespectful

Aside from trust, respect is a non-negotiable characteristic of a healthy relationship. If she treats or speaks to you disrespectfully, you should draw the line by communicating your boundaries assertively or walking away.

Also pay attention to how she treats other people such as her friends and family, as well as service staff and acquaintances.

Overly Dependent

Autonomy is important for a healthy relationship.

If she’s excessively dependent on you for her happiness, validation, or financial support, proceed with caution as this can turn into a controlling and unhealthy dynamic.

Emotionally Unavailable

If it’s just a fling, it probably matters less if she’s emotionally unavailable. However, emotional intimacy and open and honest communication are essential if you want a fulfilling and healthy relationship that will last.

So, if she avoids all conversations around emotions and is emotionally closed off, she might not be the right fit as a girlfriend (although this is often something that can be worked on if you’re both willing).